This shitter is like the girl sitting in the library with earbuds in, reading a book with her laptop open with her back to the rest of the room. Hair in face. Bag on the chair next to her. Leave her the fuck alone! Find some other place to hang out.
Due to supply chain issues in the Otherworld, the shitters are making their own 100 proof Coping Syrup.
The graphics in this are seriously out of this fucking world. Take a look at the mitering on the baseboard molding by the back of the vanity. The lines of moldy black water from the toilet’s rim jets. The light throwing facets on the cracked tile. I can really imagine hating every second of hanging out in this place. And therefore, due to the empathy, I gotta say fuck these demons! The shitter is not your ashtray, assholes. You didn’t want to toss it on the ground, and risk ruining that absolute vintage toilet flange rug that keeps your wittle demon feets off the cold, cold tiles! Just standing around smoking cigs waiting for the next vic to show up. Like volunteer rodeo clowns in a damn corn maze.
“There is a shitter in this video. I intended to go back to that stall to get a good long look at it on film. Unfortunately, I fucking shit myself before I had a chance to. I wasn’t pausing to end the clip. I was pausing because I damn near fell out of my chair.”
Hosted by Bucket Brigadier ILikeSocks: “I am straight up not having a good time. 10/10 I am scared. Toluca Prison. It was built in the mid-1800’s as a prison camp for civil war POWs and converted into a regular prison a few years later. Then it was closed in the early 1900s. There was a outbreak of some kind (according to notes) that caused coughing fits, but also maybe that didn’t happen, because I found a note from a nurse saying how no one showed symptoms and asking why they were doing tests.
Also, I dont think the prison actually exists anymore. Kind of confusing because that’s Silent Hill’s thing. But to enter you go to the Silent Hill Historical Society and end up walking down a looooooooooooooooooooooooong ass staircase into the darkness. So I think this part of the game is entirely delusions. And also jumping down the occasional bottomless pit.
Also, I’ve been in the Otherworld since the hospital and I would like to change dimensions now please, thank you. A well-read prison shitter.. I call this other one “a crippling addiction to health syringes shitter”.. Genuinely was to busy shitting myself to notice any others. Except in the A/B block area where the cells don’t even have shitters, just buckets.”
Supernatural shitter hunting game, Silent Hill 2 (The Remake), casts you as flaxen-haired documentarian “James Sunderland” as you trawl the limbo between life and death, Purgatory and Hell, cinematizing the evolution of shitter culture along the way. The metamorphosis of a town which was a total nowheresville to begin with has been difficult for these shitters to comprehend. They signed up for a life of servitude to humanity, and now they serve demons, which don’t shit at all. Their life’s purpose has been dashed, and in turn, they appear despondent, dampened, and seriously down in the dumps.
Many of these shitters appear in denial, or shock, continuing to act out what role they played pre-Otherworld. Some maintain a semblance of cleanliness in spite of it all. But tragically, as you foray deeper into the morass, these shitters merely become increasingly deranged. Many have lost their lids completely. Some appear to be attempting a DIY of their surroundings, mirroring the patchwork of their own sanity. Others have simply lost their shit. And after fully cracking under the pressure, still others have become artists, and mathematicians, a kind of genius only madness can hone.
This entire photo essay/montage was donated with great care by bucket brigadier ILikeSocks, yes these 9 screenshots amount to a $45 donation to the World Toilet Organization on World Toilet Day, which falls on November 19.
The Stoneware Sibyl confers a relic of Past, Present, and Future!
Shimmy through this sludgy kitchen crevice - the sole access point to a sanctified bunker - where camps a font of stoic wisdom! Consult with Cwenburh your most profound uncertainties of fate. And wrench an heirloom from ‘neath the trapway - ‘Tis the very gift of time!
What’s this junk that was clogging the drain? Bucket Brigadier ILikeSocks says: “A clock hand used for a puzzle.” K, but why did Cwenburh have it?
This shitter is a contender for the 2024 Blue Bowl awards.
Not exactly a shitter, but I am not complaining. This is one of the most forward-thinking, steely-gazed, no nonsense opener to a game I’ve seen in some time. Cut right to the chase, where are the shitters? This is the image that greets you as you embark on Shitter Safari into Silent Hill 2 (2024 reboot). Bucket Brigadier ILikeSocks explains: “It looks gorgeous. Never made it far in the original but I feel like everything I’ve seen so far is pretty faithful. But that’s the main menu. Pissers galore. That’s the bathroom where you start off in. It’s the wall opposite the shitters where my character’s back is facing.”
Fuck yeah! This is how we live now! Get with the winning team, lessers, we want to know immediately what the shitter situation is going to be otherwise you are wasting our time and Konami gets it!
From the reigning king of TERROR, bucket brigadier ILikeSocks, this brand fucking new Silent Hill shitter from where you first open the game. One bowl has been forever altered by evil, much like Frodo Baggins, the other remains robust and steadfast much like Samwise Gamgee in this mess. Hover over the image if you want to see what the fuck I’m talking about, because this shit is DARK.
“James Sunderland receives a letter from his wife telling him to meet her in Silent Hill which he finds very confusing considering she’s fucking dead. He goes to meet her there cause apparently he has nothing else going for him and hasn’t moved on after years of being single. He arrives in the town that’s now capable of projecting people’s fears and traumas. The first game, everyone was trapped in someone’s nightmare, but now the town is like.. more shitty, so it can happen to other people as well. So he has to deal with the monsters and shit as he navigates the fog and otherworld and comes to terms with his shit. Revealing his dark traumatic backstory. You start in the restroom with these screenshot-shy shitters behind you, washing your face, I’m pretty sure he was puking his guts up. I immediately turned around to nab the shot.”
Shittacularly Scary season has descended and this month we are fully submerged in the murky waters of FEAR! Descend into madness with bucket brigadier ILikeSocks as he explores this Deadspace shitter with graffiti in blood, no less, and just casually loots lockers while documenting the gore. Really, really messy barracks and idk whose SEVERED LEG that is because none of these other corpses are missing limbs. And just look at that guy’s neck! Anyway, the shitters are remarkably untouched by havoc which is a relief of course. It is the obvious aura of sacred sanitation that protected them from these circumstances, which are otherwise PRETTY BAD!
Join us throughout October as we delight in the nightmares - in shitter form!
Vault-Tec has been guilty (documented) of many crimes, some of which include eugenics, child abuse, elder abuse, systemic racism, corporate proxy warfare, treason, chemical warfare, psychological torture, and various globally-banned experimental sciences like hybrid biology of plants and animals alike, but ain’t it just like Vault-Tec to have something else fucked up they did that we learn about 200 years later?
Ever get to Park Street Station? Take a look at this shit. The upper section is a subway, as you might expect, and here’s that shitter there. Take note: No privacy, busted, broken, there’s a CORPSE. There’s a provisional BUCKET. And then - downstairs? In the back rooms? - Vault 114 has all the amenities you’d expect from civil sanitation including privacy curtains and shiny stainless steel appliances. Hell they give you the Abraxo right on the seat like it’s already clean but if you did want it a little cleaner here’s some Abraxo. Vault 114 has traits of Stage 3 Hoarding with an abundance of shitters in storage, just waiting for their moment, even if I did get ghoul blood on that one. What was their plan? Everyone else can shit on the ground and Vault-Tec gets to keep the nicest shitters left in existence? Guess we can tack institutional classism onto the wiki pages of all their egregious transgressions. Fuck Vault-Tec!
On New Homestead there’s a Chunks “restaurant” (legally we cannot call it that without the quotation marks) with a shitter that appears to be open for use of employee and patron alike! The thing that makes this shitter so exceptional? It’s pronoun pin correctly identifies this location as SHITTER, thank you very much. That’s exactly what it is! This location is for asses, and the things asses produce! The only thing here that’s a little weird is the unsurpassable distance between the seat and the TP. Ignoring the obvious question as to why we are still using TP in this futuristic setting. How do you reach that?
This location on Sumati (in the Narion system) is procedurally-generated. Nevertheless, the bleak scene of utter calamity hits like a punch to the gut. Out here in the cold, dark reaches of the universe this brave soldier was deployed to serve, to uplift humanity perched on the very rim of untold discovery. Never complaining, only eager to contribute, he sacrificed all for the cause of exploration, innovation, and maybe a little adventure. We can only imagine that he became a close confidant of this scientist, who died alongside him when this observation tower collapsed and submerged them both in cosmic dust.
No excuse. Some thoughtless cretin dragged these shitters to Indum IV-d (a moon of Indum IV), a hellscape with Flora (NONE) and Fauna (NONE), radioactive water, and expected them to thrive? Look at the state of things! Mood so bleak, the shitter put a “keep out” sign on the EXIT.
From bucket brigadier ILikeSocks! “Remember the pastel diner shitter? Well, I’m playing through the final draft and I went to the same bathroom in the diner. Turns out it’s an entirely different layout.” Yeah, because Rose was tripping face when she shuffled carafe-first into that 1950s sanitation diorama. And if you think that shitter is waiting to be rescued by the FBI? Guess again. This shitter is the Oracle! Heed carefully his riddles! Go ahead, place your cheeks on this seat. One side makes you grow taller and the other side will make you grow shorter!
Sir?
Hover your mouse over this image to see a man who truly needs some PTO! Says bucket brigadier Rockin’ T: “It’s a horror game about a guy who gets an ‘office job’ but really he’s a witch hunter and it’s like solving puzzles and stuff. The game is also quite silly, so it’s like comedy also.” If you stumbled onto a scene like this in the ol’ Corporate Shithole, would you think this man has been addled by witchcraft? Something tells me the fluorescent lights and lack of free coffee would be the first to take the blame.
Just south of the Rook Family house on the Commonwealth’s East Coast, there’s a lil’ oceanside shitter with a sink on the side of it! I’m a huge fan of sanitation facilities with set-apart sinks, and it looks like this shitter might actually have been mostly for the use of whoever was running this little ticket booth. The shitter itself has been understandably traumatized by WORLD WAR III, and as a result barricaded itself inside the splintery shanty surround. While you can’t open the stall door, if you ask really nicely you can say hello through the massive gap in the stall dividers.
Notice the poster for Back Alley Bowling! Let’s take a look at those shitters while we are on the subject, shall we? Like someone fired a junk cannon full of bowling balls right through the damn walls.
Submitted by bucket brigadier Rockin’ T! These are from the horror game Cat in the Box and interactively jazzes you up for Shitter Safari. High-tech toilets even appear to have sinks on the backs of them. “The game is basically about a YouTuber in a spooky mansion that was once inhabited by a cult. I walked into a new area and got a Steam trophy called “Toilet” for finding the bathroom. At first the stall doors are all closed, so you can only knock on them bc they might be occupied but when you walk over to the left side of the room all the stall doors suddenly and very loudly open at once. Also you can wash your hands in here and flush the toilets. There’s also ANOTHER toilet in a different room, just kinda openly in the middle of this room with a pile of skulls in it.”
Built for beauty rather than accessibility, this purple scallop shell has been repurposed as a shitter that Spongebob could only use uncomfortably. From Spongebob Squarepants: Lights, Camera, Pants! Doubly unethical, as the scallop shell is part of the scallop’s body, or CORPSE in this instance. Scallops are bivalves that build their own shells using minerals excreted by their mantles, and they hold their shells together using their adductor muscles. This is the barbarian equivalent of a chalice made from a skull. Guess this is a horror game.
Submitted by bucket brigadier Rockin’ T!
Damn, next time you try to kill a shitter, you better make sure he’s dead because when the side of Malden Center subway opens up like some crate out of Carfax Abbey to reveal an entombed shitter who is very much alive and pissed, you’ll be wishing you did! And, in case you were thinking about going swimming DO NOT, because if you can read, there is deep cold water here. Actually, just leave these shitters alone. They obviously do not want to pestered, and have been through so much. Although I will say the dandelion yellow tile is rather cheerful.
When the world ended, most people and things ended with it, either because they got vaporized by hydrogen bombs or because their jobs were all eliminated and they couldn’t figure out what to do with themselves next. But not this intrepid shitter, who took one look at the plumbing that was no longer running, the plumbers that were now skeletons, and the plumbing trade unions that were now raider factions wielding sections of pipe as weapons and said, “Somewhere, there’s a new world of purpose for me.” Armed with only her courage, this shitter picked herself up out of the rubble and completely reinvented herself. Ok, so her tank is gone, but look, she’s literally holding down the fort at this campsite. When the world told this shitter she no longer had any value she got herself a whole new career. They all said she was crazy, but baby, maybe you gotta be a little bit crazy to do something wild and brave. And if you think this shitter glances backward even for a second, you’re wrong, kiddo. She’s not the type to ring up her old frienemies just to let them know she’s all right, better than all right, that she’s got a sweet little life she fought like hell for. This shitter is the type to say, “Let them die wrong about me.”
And yes I’m playing Fallout again, I’m missing like 15 achievements.
This one is right in the Baldur’s Gate cemetery, simply called “Graveyard”, located in the Lower City north of the Forge of the Nine. Next time you’re exhuming 8 or 9 corpses for quest items and loot, don’t worry about having urgent needs because there’s a shitter nearby, perfect for when you need to put something back into the ground. Though I am wondering what these buckets were for, and why it’s looking like it was under construction for an addition, possibly an awning or carport?
An array of various prison shitters available for your incarcerated use in Baldur’s Gate. These are from a place called Flymm Cargo. Loving the ‘bunkbed’ style on the middle cell. With a little ladder leading to the top? Something I don’t really get about Baldur’s Gate prisons is how empty they are. Yeah there are always a freaking skeleton, makes no sense, these must have been sitting empty for over 100 years. Mighty puzzling given the breadth of sheer crime saturating the streets. Pretty much you only meet like one guy in all these catacombs and he looves it here! Even if you offer to break him out, and he praises the fact no one bothers him there.
“Alan Wake Episode 1 starts off in a very pastel bathroom with an exposed shitter. You know the fanfic “My Immortal”? This DLC was basically that in video game form. It’s called “Night Springs”, based on Twilight Zone. You play as Rose the Waitress who, in the base game, is kinda airheaded but in the DLC you get to experience what is essentially her poorly-written fanfiction. She’s the world’s greatest waitress, animal sanctuary runner, and fan site admin. You start in the bathroom, leave for the front of the restaurant and do some stuff like collecting pie plates and refilling coffee, then a singing wall fish tells you the main character is in trouble. So you load up a double-barrel shotgun and start blasting the Possessed, who in the DLC are called Haters.”
Submitted by Bucket Brigadier ILikeSocks! Rose encountered some saucer at the truck stop contaminated with liquid acid and just went with it. Big Mouth Billy Bass is her god now but instead of singing “Don’t Be Cruel” by obscure Brooklyn-born R&B singer and songwriter Otis Blackwell, it’s “Mean” by Taylor Swift.
From Bucket Brigadier Rockin T, this shitter is out of the Outer Worlds Murder on Eridanos DLC! Hover the image to reveal the shitter that’s hidden under the green vat thing. Tell me, Brigade, does this half-eaten bellhop’s severed arm evoke the LoZ Phoeni, or is it more like the corpse of a forgotten Planeteer croaked mid-thrust of their ring toward the Heavens, perhaps as they attempted to evoke the power of sanitation?
From Crooked Man, who had a crooked apartment and within this crooked appartment there was a crooked shitter! From Bucket Brigadier Rockin T, who says: “The black space is part of the game and not just me taking a bad screenshot!” Adorable graphics for a horror game. This shitter looks like it never moved out and lives in pink mama’s basement. No shame, the economy is tough!
Congratulations, kiddo, you survived to mid-adulthood, and here’s your reward! In 2018 you’ve moved in with your girlfriend to this absolute mansion with TWO bathrooms and tons of potted plants. This is the FINAL LEVEL of a whole house that is so fun to unpack and arrange, and the shitters are up to the challenge. The first, smaller bathroom is downstairs, with a sink has an INSANE expression that I love. This bathroom is perfect. No fuss! The second one is upstairs, it is huge, and it marks the first time in your life that you’ve figured out a somewhat-sensible method of organizing the toilet paper.
After you broke up with Darren, took a great big long-jump backwards and boo-hooed an entire year of your life away by moving back in with your MOM, you end up living at this apartment that is only slightly less shitty than when you lived with the Dungeoneers. By the way there was no shitter at your mom’s place, otherwise I would have taken a picture of it. But this level is 2013, when you still have way too much shit. It seems you picked up a few bad habits from your 2007 days. Like a TON of action figures and DVDs.
Especially in the bathroom. So full disclosure, this image is actually from the 2015 level which is the same location as the 2013 level except someone new is living here with you. The shitter itself is very nice. It has that “independent woman in the city” personality. But outside of this, what the fuck. Is this the Brooklyn branch of the Shampoo & Conditioning Library? Yes, I’d like to blow my nose with tissues that were stored on the back of the toilet, I’m going to SCREAM. I don’t know why anyone would waste the precious real estate of that sink counter with all that stuff and there’s just a hundred thousand menstrual products taking up the bottom shelf. Every drawer is packed full of things. There’s definitely better ways to organize this life but hey, can’t argue with a Gold Star. Don’t get me wrong, this game is very fun. But boy oh boy, the muscle I use for judging disorganized, cluttered people got a damn workout playing it.
In 2010 you’re living with a total drag who I have named “Darren” who is obsessed with gunmetal gray and has made no room for you in his life. Why did you move in with Darren? Oh, right you got tired of playing Dungeons & Dragons and decided you’d like to play Diminished & Depressed. I hate everything about this bathroom and mostly because of Darren’s stupid stuff. You’re basically brushing your teeth with poop when you leave your toothbrushes out on the sink like this. I thought you morons had college degrees? In fact most of this stuff should not be just out in the open storage like that, including the shaving brush, the ‘clean’ towels, the spare TP, the electric razor, by the way you know you could put a lidded box under the sink with all that stuff and keep it safe? There could even be one for each of you, wouldn’t that be nice? The people have a HUGE closet where these extra towels could go, by the way. But no, Darren’s shoes NEED to be on a shelf otherwise they get their feelings hurt! There is zero reason to be leaving perfume and cologne in a room that has extreme temperature changes. And there’s just too much stuff in general. I don’t get it. I DO NOT GET IT!!! Like again with the naked soap bar. TWO OF THEM!!!! You don’t need that, you don’t need all that shit in the shower. Why does she have FOUR body soaps. You do not need a first aid kit on the shelf in arm’s reach at all times. I bet you CASH that if these people cleaned this room more frequently they would not need that horrible air freshener that is toxic as HELL and a nightmare to recycle. There’s even more stuff in that little drawer! And this is where this shit is supposed to go, look, I got a gold star for arranging it all in this way!
You thought the people you had to share a suite with were pigs? This is a whole new level, in fact this is the 2007 level of Unpacking. This was my least favorite level because of the gross housemates. I lived with people like this once and can definitely say I would never do this again and would not recommend it to anyone. First of all TRUST ME, your housemates ARE using all your shit that you leave out in any area they deem to be “fair use.” The rest of this level is insane. You can almost smell the living room spilling over with cosplay and anime crap and dining area where they just have an eternal Dungeons & Dragons game going for the rest of their lives. No to everything. And in here, it’s just obnoxious. The shampoo bottles on the floor because they’re the jumbo size bigger than the trash can. Do not store your TP rolls and menstrual products on the FLOOR under the SINK, what is wrong with you? I also really do not get this concept of keeping a razor out on an open shelf like first of all that’s germs, second that’s not safe. Oh good thing you have a naked bar of soap on the sink surround like for cleaning your little hands, and all that? It’s not going to get disgusting and absolutely cemented there or anything. Listen roommates, if you have this much shit, keep it in a caddy in your own bedroom. And there was MORE (note the unopened box on the floor). Also, is that just a washer, or just a dryer? It’s not a combo, let me reassure you right now there is no way in hell the landlord of this place is shelling out that kind of cash for people who will probably break it before the lease is up. In Two Thousand and SEVEN.
This is the shitter you get in 2004 when you leave home and move into a suite of fools at the University. I chose to take a picture of it like this because this is how I would have it look if I lived there. But because this is Unpacking, the most relaxing and absolutely chill way to wait around for a Zoom-based webinar to get to the fucking point in the history of mankind, ALAS, you must festoon this otherwise perfect shrine with knick-knacks and sundries. There’s a bunch of random shit you have to stick around various rooms and sometimes it’s your own space, and other times it’s a situation where you’re sharing a spot with other people. This is the first level where you get to see a bathroom. Apparently you’re sharing this dorm space with other people so it’s hardly ideal. Storing your toothbrush on the sink surround, I could never. Ew. No, you’d never find me leaving my belongings laying around a shared bathroom. Sorry, dorms are notoriously pest-ridden and I also have no reason to trust you idiots who are probably going to fail out after months of stumbling around in a hungover haze and using my hair comb for god knows what.
This is a shitter on the Crew Deck of the Obra Dinn in Return of the Obra Dinn. From this angle you can see the corpse of a certain man, who I will not identify, because that would be a spoiler. Elsewhere in the game, you overhear a guy die while using the shitter, but that’s in another part of the boat entirely and there’s not even a shitter there. I think he was just taking a full DUMP in a crawlspace like a filthy dirtbag. This act of VANDALISM is only hinted at through the audible memory of his death that you listen to through your special Memento Mori pocket watch, right before he’s squeezed like a tube of Colgate by the Kraken. This game is fucking amazing by the way and I recommend it without reservation.
From our current Bucket Brigadier of the Year Rockin T these are two shitters from the indie horror game Flesh, Blood, and Concrete. Top Image: “Still quite early in the game but basically my car is fucked, so now I’m walking around a strange apartment building with only one family as its inhabitants.” Bottom Image: “Now THIS one is more interesting. That girl next to me is one of the inhabitants of the apartment building, and the whole building has become more like dreamlike and fucked up horror-y.” Loving the “Lived Experience” art installation on this bathroom!
From Bucket Brigadier of the Year Rockin T! “Miles Morales is a sequel spin-off thing to the first Spider-Man game. Peter Parker’s going on vacation sorta, so Miles is left in charge as the sole Spider-Man for a bit. It’s Christmas and the dude kneeling is looking for bleach to clean a stain. I can’t walk close to the toilet bc the guy (Ganke) can’t be moved past. I’m pretty close to the beginning of the game, but I’m fairly certain it’ll stop being Christmas. There’s something charming about it. You can even see it snowing outside through that window in the back.”
Very nicely designed and you the spectator are kept a celebrity’s distance away from this stunning shitter, wearing what looks to be a Chanel suit.
This is a no entry point! Bedraggled and probably full of spiders is this shitter submitted by ILikeSocks! “I’m infiltrating a terrorist militia in Colorado. It’s part of Hitman: World of Assassination which is the rebooted trilogy’s name, mission # idr. The “new” one. There’s the old Hitman games, then they came out with…Absolution? Something like that, but it was more actiony. Then they rebooted with these games, so it’s Hitman 1, but it’s really like Hitman 5.” Pretty obvious this series was rebooted just to upgrade the shitter optics.
Free them! Why are these shitters corralled at the rear of this event like they’re waiting for the bus to Correctional Vocation Training? Cruelly excluded from the lively celebration taking place nearby, overcrowded, and provided no sun shelter?? It’s gotta be 112 degrees in those shitters. Luckily, our brigadier ILikeSocks was there taking hidden video and still shots for the upcoming expose on Inside Edition, A Current Affair, Hard Copy, and Rock Bottom and drag the dismal treatment of our dear shitters into the light.
Ordinarily I would not condone the use of shitters as weapons, but there were extenuating circumstances. Of course, the clothes you change into are covered in stinky porta-potty water, so idk how great of a disguise it is.
Submitted by Bucket Brigadier ILikeSocks! Impressive multi-reflection graphics in this Hitman shitter that shows Agent 47, Agent 47’s mirror image, the mirror images of the dudes right outside the window, and the dudes outside the window themselves. Imagine the dudes outside getting screamed at by a drill sergeant and they look up and see you staring at them from the throne. “The shitter could use more polygons or something, idk. Also it looks like they have one shitter asset per level, and then they change the room its in. So like. It’s always vanilla cake, but the frosting is pretty dope.”
What in The King And I hell is this? From Bucket Brigadier ILikeSocks from Hitman #6 (also called just HITMAN because Agent 47 needs you to use small words). “Gotta break into some rich spa health resort in Hokkaido, first thing I did was find my room’s shitter.” Something quite funny about this baldy stalking around with all the grace of a chest freezer in this delicate yellow silk robe. Hey, the pattern kind of matches your beauty mark on the back of your shiny bald dome. By the way, nobody could exactly stop you from just fucking off and living here forever. You’d just have to kill anyone who tried to evict you.
From Bucket Brigadier ILikeSocks, this Pacific Drive shitter comes with secrets! “There’s a shitter in the garage that is protected by a 4 digit keypad, for story reasons, with a hidden passage that activates when you use the hand drier.” Think of it as a reward for actually washing your mitts. Take notice because shitters are #DoingMorein2024: This shitter did the smart thing and took advantage of the money they received from the CARES Act to get trained as a security guard.
From Pacific Drive, courtesy of the inimitable ILikeSocks: “The shitter is located in the safe zone/mission hub area that you return to between levels. The zone serves as your garage where you make repairs and build shit before going back out.” Of course the shitter is in the safe zone. The shitter uplifts you. The shitter protects.
From our 2022 Brigadier of the Year ILikeSocks, out of PacificDrive. Intimidation shitters! If Oblivion had shitters I imagine they would look something like this. Whence comes this eerie pink glow? “Oh I threw that flare. Game’s dark as fuck so unless I light them I cant see shit. Uh im really liking the game. It’s my kind of weird. A lot of scavenging and car maintanence.” Here we see increased variety in Pacific Drive shitters, in form as well as function. One is sunk into a fixture surround and clutches a cache of goods that may determine your very survival. The second looks a capitious gargoyle in a standalone gothic cranny in the midst of an ashen midden. Hellfire and native sulfur smite thee if you disrespect these shitters!
Here are some beauties I’ve waited a while to pass on to you, for various reasons: I’ve been busy, and I forgot about them. But The Long Dark is not an entirely forgettable game and I’m pleased to finally share these shitters that were rusting in my files. They’re from 2019, JESUS!! I’m sorry I neglected you, you’re wonderful shitters and have no reason to hide. These are not Shitters Of The Wild, they’re from the optional story. It’s special that the shitters were written into the scenery here. You can get water from the toilet and boil it, would not recommend unless you are desperate and have sterilization tablets.
The first is simply labelled “Restroom” and can be used by anyone left alive after the mysterious Geomagnetic Disaster that freezer burnt the whole world. In our second image we see a shitty end for a bloke who for some reason picked the least comfortable place to die, or maybe he was doing first aid and his brain told him this was the cleanest place to be? Not likely in this scenario, but it does speak to the fact that in your final hour, shitters mean dearly-sought comfort. Final image looks at first not so nice, but think about all the crap you get in this one room. The newspaper is kindling, there’s definitely protein bars in those lockers, and there’s nobody else left alive to object if you wanted to leave a parting gift in the bowl that will never flush.
Don’t look at me that way, that’s the name of this airplane. And this airplane shitter is actually so beautiful. First of all I love there’s a security pinpad on the door. Yes, stay out, lessers! The code for the door is on the first class ticket and IF YOU HAD ONE, you’d be allowed to open this door. And what’s inside? A bunch of raspberry jam, of course! Honestly, it’s fine with me that the gore isn’t hyper-realistic, I’m not into that kind of thing, but what I am into is hyper-realistic shitter aesthetic. The outsplashed blue sanitation liquid. The seat lid on the ground. The pillow compartment? Take a nap in there! This is afterall much more spacious than many metropolitan apartments, and look at all the PANELS!
Grunge is an artform and the only thing that would make this shitter more amazing would be a steel-studded leather cone-shaped brassiere. Vogueing its way to the top of the charts is this Dead Island shitter complete with cinderblock squatty potty, a drumroll of unfurled TP, backlit by a destroyed outer wall. Yes, sister, work the runway! This shitter has vapors of rat plague demigod but with the finery of an aerospace magnate and it is doing the most.
You woke up like this? Can’t help but feel sorry for this shitter who just wanted to be an influencer and ended up in a literal blood bath. This shitter is like the Velveteen Rabbit. When you become REAL, honey, this is what you look like! Thanks to bucket brigadier Swolito for these Dead Island shitters!
This is a multi-occupant, gender-neutral shitter in a fucking hotel and check out what happens when you’re using the urinal and someone walks the fuck in. I would say this is merely a byproduct of The Things We All Must Deal With Since the Bombs, but this was obviously an existing pre-war structure. Again, I simply must bellow mine question to the universe: CAN NOBODY BUILD A DOOR?
Vault 76’s overseer looks like your non-binary 8th grade gym teacher/health class instructor and lives in an absolute château on the Appalachian cliffsides. It’s a two-story palace with the works: stash box, workbenches (armor, weapons, and tinkering), a chem station, and a projector that’s constantly showing a slideshow of local attractions available in Sutton (the town where this is). Quite a nice place and exactly what you’d expect from an overseer, which is utter denial of what the real world is like. Right down to the Vault-Tec approved shitter on the first floor. Gosh, how pretty. I don’t know how she keeps the towels so white, but good for her. Of course, I’d vastly prefer if that plunger was kept in some kind of cabinet because nobody wants to see that.
Here’s a shitter with some history, both because it has been in queue for like three years and also because it was first the home of a dude who survived the initial bombings, then was taken over by raiders, and finally is ‘now’ the home of the Cult of the Mothman! And apparently this is where a quest takes place where you have the option to rescue a radioactive Mole Rat named Noodles. I mean the guy doesn’t need to be rescued. If he wanted to, at any time Noodles could just leave. Let’s be real.
Anyway, let’s take a moment to appreciate how raiders and cultists are basically the equivalent of lesser primates who cannot even use tools. OK, this is the shitter that this place came with. You could not bring yourselves to pick up a hammer and repair or replace at least the DOOR on this thing? Honestly, fucking pathetic and I expect better out of religious folk. And before you admonish me to see the splinter in my own eye or whatever, just know that I care enough about my own shitter to fix it even if the slightest thing goes wrong with it because it is my greatest treasure in this world. Do better, cultists!
Nathaniel is a guy who is hyper religious as an after-effect of experiencing police brutality. You go here while playing as Electronic Policeman Norman Jayden, and your natural instinct is to say “Yeah, I’ll definitely make this worse,” as one of your actual options is to END THIS MAN’S LIFE because he’s being a bit loud - or get him help? Because those are the two types of police. The rest of the apartment is absolutely encrusted with crucifixes - encrucifixed - except for the bathroom where there are none. This is because the shitter itself is a refuge from evil that cannot be made more perfect. It is entirely sinless, irreproachable, without fault, and the place where you go when you want to experience sanctity on this Earth. Saint Bowl is a bit filthy but that’s only because it is also so humble. We could all learn a LOT from this shitter.
This shitter lives in a burnt apartment that has a lizard painted on the door. The key to the Lizard Suite is kept in a little porcelain lizard too! So I guess there’s a theme. During this trial, The Oaf has to cut off a piece of his finger in front of a camera - I guess the allusion is that lizards sometimes lose their tails, except those grow back. The finger, not so much. Good thing you never went to the cops, Oaf, otherwise you might be out of this mess already. But then we never would have seen this shitter, a little grimy but still standing watch like a steadfast soldier. I will admit that the thing this game does really well is having shitters in pretty much every chapter, even if the characters don’t make use of them as Thinking Spots as they ought.
This game is chock-full of stupid people and bad parents. And combinations of both! This shitter from an elder care home where brilliant investigative journalist and Night Club Chameleon Madison Paige learns the true identity of the Origami Killer. And it’s a very funny scene where she acts terrified, shocked, and panicked all at the same time even though the name should mean nothing to her? She never even met him once during the entire game? Anyway this shitter has to sit by and watch the foolishness take place, quite a nice shitter but actually not the best design for a nursing home setting. It’s the private shitter of Ann Sheppard, the killer’s mother, and she is like “oh yeah, I had two sons, one of them died while I wasn’t taking care of him, and that was the one I actually liked. The other one is some guy, idk what happened to him, the government took him away and he’s a Frankenstein’s Monster of morals he picked up on the streets and alleyways when I wasn’t doing my only fucking job.” You know, it’s quite interesting how the Origami Killer ends up killing kids “just to see if their dad will come to the rescue” like his own father never did, but nobody seems to ask what THE MOMS were doing?
Don’t let this five-star glam shitter fool you. Its caretaker is a mess. This shitter is looked after by Lauren Winter, a woman with zero muscles in her neck and sits or walks with a permanent slouch. We are led to infer that her former child, Johnny, was approximately 9 years old but in all his pictures he looks like he could have been Sick Boy’s stunt double. Possibly due to a steady in vitro diet of booze and cigarettes. We are supposed to be rooting for this bitch as she’s basically the story’s hero, I’m not, a slime mold could have beat her to solving the crime. And no, The Oaf is not the hero, he just has the most screen time. Ok, let’s face it, nobody in Heavy Rain is particularly brilliant, not even RoboCop Norman Jayden who has the power of SCIENCE on his side.
BACK TO THE SHITTER, this art deco starlet is like the rose from Beauty and the Beast - Encased in a protective glass gazebo-like cloche, and treated as a shrine where Lauren bedazzles it out with trinkets from her party days. Dahling, this shitter wears an impeccable fur cape and matching hat, and is surrounded at all times by a soft petal-tinted light. She has pink and white gauzy curtains to obscure her nobility from uncultured onlookers. Probably not shitter royalty, but at the very least a marchioness. Perhaps the cousin of a marchioness.
So while all the great thinkers and legendary superthugs are shitting on the ground, those who hold the purse strings - in this case, Nicolaus Slayton - squat atop gilded brass and peer at elegant ballerinas twirling about this freaking stripper pole affixed directly in the boticcino flooring. When you have a bathroom the size of an improv studio it only makes sense to get the most use out of it.
As a scientist on Bessel III you’ve set up your research outpost to do your special investigation on… stuff, and I guess at some point the Crimson Fleet takes over and ransacks that research outpost. But before then - or after? but certainly during - your shitter is a plastic bucket on the floor, just like in the olden days!
Optimal output! The future of Work From Home, at least through the dystopian lens of Volii Alpha’s city of Neon, includes an efficient shit-n-send email system. Sorry, did I say ‘home’? I meant “Work From Shipping Container.”
In the quest Ghost Town you meet Panam Palmer for the first time, who starts out as a badass bitch queen and by the end of your travels together you honestly cannot wait to get rid of her. She’s highly reminiscent of Camp Anawanna’s ginger queef, Bobby Budnick. ALL TALK!! I went from walking on eggshells to burning through this quest and offloading her as soon as I fucking could. Screw you, Panam for making me walk at 3/4 speed through the Aldecaldo camp like 12 times just to hear one line from an NPC. Damn. I almost forgot why we’re here - in the main quest with her you go to this hotel or bar thing to set up an ambush for the tough-as-nails Raffen Shiv nomad gang, so brutally rugged and hardened by the desert that it takes TWO bitches with hand pistols to take them all down. Wait - what’s that lurking in the shadows? Finally, a REAL gangster! Loaded up with a giant dildo and explosives. Hover your mouse over this image and get ready for a surprise.
In Cyberpunk 2077, this is where the game starts when you begin as a wealthy novaclass. Everything is better when you’re rich. Preem edgezone shit.
Here’s your new best choom, not Jackie Welles who gives a fuck about a gonk who dies in the first half of the game? No, I’m talking about this shitter who chills unbothered in a half-trampled shack, with the door blocking the doorway. The ceiling in here is covered in graffiti because when Jackie does something it isn’t subtly. Bottle of bleach IN the bowl, I guess that’s what he thinks cleaning is. Another one on the ledge by the shower, because that’s what he thinks soap is! Good ol Jackie, perfect meat shield and obviously his shitter would look like this.
Meander excessively to the UC building in Jemison to find a Va’Ruun Prisoner named Mir’za- who, per the Galactic Dignity Treaty, has a prison shitter. And apparently gets to keep wearing her body armor? The UC evidently believed the public placement of this shitter would cow Mir’za into feeling less-than, because she would have to use it in front of everyone. But ask yourself, as you take in the kohl kojol sunscreen smudged all over that bald head and (take my word for it) meth mouth, who is really being cowed here? You know Mir’za loves making the shift guard suffer when she situates herself on this perch. She probably stares them down. This shitter is Dark Wilson and with a corner office. The arrow points the way you will avert your gaze from the eyeball assault.
From Bucket Brigadier Mahilo who says: “From the game Cult of the Lamb for your Throne thing. I’ve got outhouses here for my cultists to poop in. You can harvest the poop as fertilizer for your crops. My cult shares everything with each other, gold, poop, corpses, etc. Don’t you want to be a part of something? If you’re going to have to pick between the dark cult of the Old Faith and the dark cult of the Lamb, why not go with the one that’s going to win?” The quest marker text (mouse rollover on image to see) needs to calm down about the putrid mess but I mean if fertilizer is your industry, makes sense!
Courtesy of Bucket Brigadier ILikeSocks: “Pacific Drive. You’re trapped in the Olympic Exclusion Zone located in the Pacific Northwest. It’s sort of a paranatural Chernobyl where some shit clearly went wrong and everything’s abandoned, full of anomalies and monster things. You need to manage your PoS car to cross the zone and escape. Your car even develops anomalies if you’re out too long. Turning my steering wheel causes the headlights to turn off and it takes place like 90% at night. The car becomes self-aware. Now everytime I get in and out of my car it opens my left door. It slammed the trunk door down on my head and caused damage. Anyway.. I’m not sure why there’s an outhouse INSIDE the building… 100% there is no indoor plumbing on this one so that little gas station cabin thing must STINK.”
The graphics in Pacific Drive have a distinctive flair similar to The Long Dark, which is also a post-apocalyptic exploring game. Do the shitters in Pacific Drive become self-aware like the car? And do they need therapy when it happens?
Submitted by 2023 Bucket Brigadier of the Year Rockin T, who says “Barry is the protag and he’s aboard a ship rn looking through the cabins. The girl attacking is a zombie. ALSO there’s a medical office key in that toilet!” The shitter is a very unamused passenger aboard a fancy boat called STARLIGHT and of course got pulled into this ridiculous mess. This shitter is from Resident Evil: Gaiden on Game Boy Color!
CALLING ALL COMMODE VIGILANTES.. In Heavy Rain Chapter 31, you are presented with a challenge from a folded paper shark figurine to take a human life. You (being the shark, I presume) swarm boldly to enforce savage justice a bottom-tier apartment-dwelling drug dealer who is probably peddling Adderall or some shit, along with his HIGH STAKES BOUNTY SHITTER (who is a HOSTAGE in this crime web!). When I played this game, I was unable to get the screenshot while simultaneously executing the quicktime movements and I really don’t feel like playing this game again so it’s up to YOU, BRIGADE. If you can get me this screenshot I’ll donate $15 to the selected sanitation charity of 2024 - that’s three times the normal amount for a Shitter Submitter! This shitter is as yet STILL IN CAPTIVITY and needs your help!
This shitter belongs to Raphael, a smoldering hot Demon Lord who looks like he smells like willowbark aftershave and clean laundry I am HERE FOR IT. His silver-plated plop pot is guarded by this man - Unclean Eternal Debtor - who has the enviable employment as “its admirer, protector, its one true beloved.” Fuck’s sake, man. Get some help. UED dances around it a bit and keeps spectators at a respectful distance. This shitter is everything. A pilgrimage locus, a philosopher’s stone, an anchor point for the shreds of sanity all while holding an exalted position in government!
This shitter is a contender for the 2024 Blue Bowl Awards.
From bucket brigadier ILikeSocks comes a secret shitter out of Hitman: World of Assassination! Fucking ‘Vocab’ magazine on the bathroom floor just exemplifies how people treat the once-precious art of grammar nowadays.
Gorgeous and breathtaking, mesmerizing in their artistry, no two are the same. These snowflake shitters are presented for you in gallery format because it’s been pre-pandemic since I took these screenshots (the backlog is extensive) and I do not remember where each of these places were. I know at least one of them was a bloodfly-infested basement, does that help? The lighting, colors, shadows, atmosphere is everything, everything, everything and makes my eyeballs go yoy-oy-oy! Death of the Outsider is a terrific DLC if you loved Dishonored and just wanted a little more. For the chaotic good stealth archer who hunts shitters (me), Dishonored was as close to God as we were gonna get and it’s been far too long since a game quite like this came out. Enjoy the greatness!
At the Nishina Research Station on Freya III you’ll encounter some fucky dimensional folds that you must navigate in order to save many lives and right many wrongs. Idk, was it really wrong? That’s up to you to decide, but if you ask me, humanoids shouldn’t be just parasitizing every flat surface they come across in the universe but hey, that’s our fucking way. In spite of the ethical quandary of humans not belonging here to begin with, Entangled is one of the better quests and not least of all because you get to see this poor little shitter get a glow up. To accomplish this, you have to blip through aforementioned fucky folds (the glittery wispy thing in the hover image). By traveling to and fro through these circumstantial doggy doors, you can save everyone and get another crew member if you do it correctly but that’s sort of incidental compared to rescuing this little bowl from anaerobic hell.
Ready to play a game? It’s called How Good Do You Have It and this game is fun and easy! To participate, you’re gonna head to Sleepcrate, a kicky concept hotel at Ebbside, the most dreadful fish market at the rear of a deafening nightclub! Once there, buy a Mystery Parcel for a cool 1000 creds. Let’s open ‘er up! Facts you may find fun: The mystery parcel is an entire aluminum shipping container and was actually somebody’s house. Here it is! What did you win? Surprise, it’s a shitter, a layoff, and a creepy feeling that your own life could be a lot worse!
Agamon A (a moon of Agamon) has this shitter you’ll find there if the gods are good. Not just abandoned, but underfunded, this outpost has an Arts & Crafts slapped-together feel. The shitter has 2% privacy opacity (I’m sure the ‘accidents’ are directly related to that) and the lighting/aura of Psychotronics. Hover over the image to see the bowl. This place gives me the heebie-jeebies! No need, however. There’s like 1 total thing in the entire game that could even remotely hurt you and it ain’t here, don’t worry, fella. So go ahead, squat in peace!
…Is it? While approaching Wyrm’s Rock your blinky-balls will zero in like a friggin F/A-18 Hornet on this splintery little stall stapled to the outside of Lord Gortash’s Loire Valley-looking white granite stronghold. I mean wtf is it if not a shitter. We all know it was en vogue for evil castle-dwelling gremlins to just open a hole in the side of the wall and shit through that. Tywin Lannister did it. I was unable to angle the camera to see if there was a little hole on the bottom, and there’s no way to find it from the interior, but there are ZERO shitters inside this entire castle so idk wtf else it could be. It’s just the style of a shithead like Gortash to have only one phantom shitter for himself and none for the hundreds of servants who wait on him hand and foot. We’ve seen it before. Gosh, wouldn’t it have been amazing to corner Gortash’s crumby soul in this little commode and just flush him out like a dirty turd?
The long wait is over, the 2023 Blue Bowl Awards are finally here! As we say good-bye to 2023, let us reflect on a year of incredible shitters and our dedicated brigadiers who provided so many beautiful screenshots that it took me days of solitary contemplation to narrow it down. Behold our final contenders:
And the winner is… The Resident Evil 4 Remake Cubbyhole Shitter! Another three point touchdown from ILikeSocks. This shitter has everything we want in a great safari discovery:
Giving Thrills: Where terror and delight meet, we find this shitter. You don’t want to open that door, but god help you if you don’t! This is what shitter hunting is all about. Leave no stone unturned in the quest for the quintessential shitter of fear.
Bardic Storytelling: This scene is constructed beautifully, with a supporting actor of its own - the ogre holding the shitter hostage!
2024 Mood: A great way to start this new year. This shitter is Sustainable! Why throw away a perfectly good Resident Evil: Village resource that took hours to create and was only used once? And this shitter is Modular! It fits right under the stairs in a hidden storage nook. Lastly, this shitter has Diminished Carbon Footprint! It uses no water whatsoever. Water is a finite resource, within or without the apocalypse, so well done to the people who used to live here for thinking ahead.
Great graphics are also a big plus. The Blue Bowl shitter is a prestigious award that is handed out each year to an exceptional shitter, and signifies a $25 donation to the sanitation charity of our choice in 2024. Now get comfortable in your seat as 2024 begins! There are so many shitters to discover!
If you go exploring in the Flooded District you’ll find it, well, flooded. Yeah, pretty amazing, right? They could turn this into an attraction with gondolas or body surfing but no. There’s just remnants of a crumbled civilization down there… and this is no place for a shitter! This is Empress Emily Kaldwin’s legacy!
Are we sure this is an improvement? Certainly the bathtub, but this washroom in Aramis Stilton’s renovated mansion has only an outrageously opulent bathtub, complete with Roman edifice, while the shitter (a humble chamberpot) has been replaced with NOTHING. Now, ordinarily this would be inexcusable, however, the upgraded Stilton mansion has four separate new bathrooms, some with multiple shitters!
Amid the chasms and megaflora swallowing up an entire city lies the quaint and loot-laden Waning Moon Tavern.
It used to be a watering hole for jolly, plump, rosy-cheeked lads but for the last century it’s been fucked sideways by evil.
Reithwin was the quintessential medieval stopover, all Dutch Tudor homes n’ stone byways n’ shit, but now it’s been shadow-cursed up the ass.
I think it’s safe to say there’s not enough infrastructure-boosting bipartisan funding in the universe that’ll put it back in order.
What’s now a splintering barfbag saloon has ONE potty stall with a CORPSE in it. The shitter is always your final friend!
The outhouse was a great choice for a place to kick the ol’ bucket but when the angels descend, they descend not for thee! The shitter is the only sinless, blameless, perfect little lamb that has been through a LOT and is ready to be assumed into heaven both body and soul.
Yoo-hoo, sweetie! Down here and pressed all the way up against the concrete barricade is a shitter who does not want to be seen with Covenant’s anti-synth tomfuckery. She is ready to scale this wall with her lunchpail and the town’s most valuable item, KNOWLEDGE, which is buried within a single Overdue Book. She is ready to be OUT of this mental prison! Once you take over this town and kick out (read: kill) the Fascist squatters, you can decorate this alley and make it look really nice back there for this shitter. She has been through a lot and deserves some beauty.
For like two hundred years or some shit this radio signal has been broadcasting for two oldsters camped in the safety of a bunker but who couldn’t leave because of the creatures. They died down here (see second image) but thank hell they had this shitter to maintain order during this terrible ordeal. Here’s the question, Brigade - Is this a prison shitter? Is that shitter a Wilson? Perchance a little of both.
After your wife kicks you out and 100% blames you for a tragedy that was actually due to both of your combined failures (as well as the magic of a telepathic clown), you’ll go live in a shanty in the worst part of Murder City that is already disgustingly filthy and you will NEVER clean it.
Even so, Oaf’s hovel has TWO bathrooms, which is very, very swanky for this level of visual depression. The first confined nook is dirty as hell, he’s got newspapers in there for some fucking reason. The one that HAS a sink, as well as both a bathtub AND shower, is so dark and he doesn’t even bother turning on the light so I had to maximize the brightness and colors just so you can see his LOL brand flip phone. Maybe this particular detail, for once, is not the Oaf’s fault, I mean if you look the bathroom has several light switches and no visible light fixtures. So who knows what they’re for. Maybe they turn the shower on. The shitter is so mortified to be witnessed as present in this dreadful abode, but it’s a true friend that will stick by your side even when you’re at rock fucking bottom. Given this Oaf’s track record, I’m thinking that’s probably a box of rat poison on his sink. Well, good thing Shaun (aka, ‘the other one’) is only stuck here one day a week.
Momo is a robo bigshot who is like Stray Doc Emmett Brown in a granny’s shirtdress. He’s kind of a mechanical genius, though doesn’t know where any of his friends are. He’s quite cynical until the Cat shows up to give him new hope again. Momo gets brave before the end, his death is very tragic and I don’t want to talk about it. Meanwhile, this is his shitter, where he stacks cartons of Men’s Socks.
Image 2 is a sad little note from Momo and a reminder to always appreciate and say “thank you” to your microwave.
Bucket Brigadier ILikeSocks submitted this incredible series from Alan Wake 2 with the following commentary:
Cabin shitter: “Theres a sink in there as well, it’s just kinda a weird angle cause the house was mostly pitch black. IDK where to even start; I never finished Alan Wake 1. I played it after playing CONTROL and its gameplay was about as fun as shitting glass. But the premise is you’re a horror/thriller writer (basically Stephen King) and there’s a lake that has the ability to rewrite reality when artists create fiction there. Theres the dark place in the lake that is trying to escape and it takes Alan’s wife hostage. He ends up trapped in the dark place and it slightly adjust events in reality while trying to get him to write its freedom. That’s where the second game takes place. And it’s all tied into CONTROL where this is just another case file for the FBC.
Sheriff Station shitter: A single bare bar of soap that you know won’t lather just from looking at it and TP that looks like the texture of cardboard. High contrast between the utterly filthy sink and pristine toilet.
Creepy Coffee-Themed Park shitters: I knew you’d like this. Out of order when they don’t flush. I REALLY like this universe tho. Alan Wake 2 is my new girlfriend now.
Doctor, I don’t know what I am Anymore shitter: You have a case of shitterformia. You will slowly turn into a shitter.
Video: “I cant tell if there’s a shitter back there.”
This exemplary lineup of five stellar shitters represents a $25 donation to the World Toilet organization!! ILikeSocks, our 2022 bucket brigadier, remains a figurehead in our community, always on high alert for that glint of porcelain.
So I can’t believe we’re already here, but after 10 years of Shitters of Skyrim today we see the very very last bucket in my coffers. I’ve combed Skyrim from stem to stern and there are no more shitters to be found within its borders, so this is a solemn day. This shitter belongs to Aventus Aretino, the Nord child with the Imperial name, who lives all by his lonesome. After his mom died Aventus was made a ward of the state and sent to Honorhall Orphanage. So that place totally sucks and there’s torture tools nailed to the wall where they keep their shitter, and the main bitch who runs the place likes to make the kids cry. She’s the sort of guardian who thinks harsh conditions build character. As you may well know, it is exceedingly rare for any person to actually succeed in breaking free from a high-control system of abuse, but Aventus did it and boldly escaped back to his home of Windhelm where he now spends his days performing the Black Sacrament so Grelod gets what she deserves. As you can see from the second image, his prayers were answered. All he needed was the fucking Dragonborn I guess. I don’t normally have anything against Constance Michel but look at her! She’s not even lifting a finger to help. And what about everybody else in this community? You all know what goes on in this place, you’re not even going to do anything about it, just as long as it’s not happening to you it’s all good, right? Those people are basically as bad as Grelod and I am more than happy to level pickpocket on every one of them.
Brigade, when you’re out on Shitter Safari you may come across a scene that looks every bit the role a true shitter. It has the bucket, the shovel, the stool, and from this first angle you think Yeah, that’s gotta be a shitter! But upon closer inspection, while obtaining the best possible angle for your screenshot you can clearly see this stuff is merely Caveman Sundries for simpleton bandits that think this is a place people live. Don’t be fooled! Stay alert!
The Freestar Rangers have outposts everywhere and here’s the one at Hopetown where the bunk/workout room has an en suite. Within the confines of this shitter is a motivational and beauty inspo graphique pinned above the toilet of the hot, fine, fit, athletic and stylish Violet, now who is Violet you ask? Hover your mouse over this photo to find the most likely answer. This is Violet Ibarra, the finest example of beauty in the entire galaxy. This skilled aesthetician at Paradiso’s ENHANCE! is one of Peter Paul Rubens celebrated divas. Don’t take my word for it, she’ll tell you herself she spent credits to get this perfect. She did a good thing for herself when she quit that team for some self-love. Roller derby or whatever can move over because just now I’m all about this apple cake.
This is your home base shitter, the place where your story begins! And it’s out of order. There’s a metaphor in there, I think. The problem here was caused by Heller, it’s not really his problem so much as everyone’s problem now. No need to call INTERPOL because it’s common knowledge by now but the “correct configuration” for the paper is an argument for lesser minds. There are so many other things about a toilet that actually matter. Obviously actually having paper at all is important, which we will note this bathroom does not. Set thine house in order, Argos! All of this begs the question: How do you suppose one takes a shit while wearing an interstellar snuggie? Is there a flap in the back?
Once in a lifetime opportunity! Not really. But here are some of the most annoying people giving their two differing outlooks on the same shitter and it took some planning to get this one, so I hope you’re thanking me. On the left you have portly egg-shaped Detective Shelby - this is his shitter - and I mean this is just a scene where you lurch around your apartment, take a piss and then someone knocks on your door. Hand washing is 10000% not happening in this scene so think twice before you shake hands with a detective.
On the right you have Madison Paige who really needs at least two y’s in the spelling of her name if she’s gonna sell that personality. Why is SHE in Detective Shelby’s shitter? It’s simple, really. And when I tell you, you should have no more questions. She crawled through the wall whilst escaping an arson inferno. Obviously!
The real bonus here is in the second picture where Shelby is showing us the actual face he makes while he pees. So, now that both you and I have lived through seeing that, what do you do now? Tell your therapist immediately? Have a night terror? Leave your family and become a street corner prophet? You could do all those things and it would never erase this image from your mind. The Origami Killer has more than one method of spoiling your serenity! That’s what makes him such a criminal genius.
Why is it that only the worst people have the best, nicest shitters? Here’s where Norman Osborn takes a crap after taking a crap all over the good people of NYC in his side gig as the Green Goblin. Tons of excessive cut stone slabs and probably endangered wood if we’re being real. In spite of this jackoff’s depraved sense of morality and flippant respect for science, he’s got everything nice in his shitter, except of course - You know what I’m going to say! Who needs a door when nobody wants to spend time around you!
This shitter was submitted by Bucket Brigadier Rockin T! In this scene, MJ currently trespassing trying to find information on a Devil’s Breath antiserum which is a cure for an Oscorp-created plague. The Devil’s Breath, oh PLEASE! Osborn thinks a whole lot about himself. Observe the trash can with no liner, but why bother if you don’t even clean up after your own self. GOT ENOUGH TOWELS? The sheer entitlement!
Today’s submission is from Bucket Briagdier Mahilo who sent in this shitter from a little game called Hello Charlotte: Requiem Aeternam Deo. This scene is from Day 1 when you wake up and explore. Roll your mouse over the image to see that advanced technology in action. It does remind one of Mom’s Shitter from Deltarune. Says our Brigadier: “The ‘location’ is called The House. They say that The House is the world. I was just exploring the House at night. This is called the “First Floor” out of 11 total. Your room is on the first floor, which is as normal as the House gets. It’s got a kitchen and bathroom and stuff. Outside the first floor gets weird. The second floor has your school, which has a bathroom, but I don’t remember seeing any toilets in there. I’m not sure I fully understand it myself…”
It sounds like as you ascend floors you DESCEND into shitterless Hell. Well, here’s hoping little Charlotte doesn’t have to spend too much time in the rest of The House.
Bucket Brigadier Lotus submitted this pair of kings from an atmospheric floater called Derelict PCH and supplies the following: “On this level 1 ship with no crew and 1 HP floating above Niira in the Narion system, I found these shitters. The ship itself is infested with Space Maggots, which killed the crew. The crew was hauling contraband and apparently didn’t realize some of the contraband were these maggots or something. After crawling through the ship, I found 100000 credits worth of contraband, some epic items, and this trashed shitter (img 1). This appears to be the brig shitter and the whole bunk is just poorly maintained. They have a nicer shitter (img 2) on the upper deck.”
That’s a cot in there and according to Lotus the door was locked so it’s definitely a linen closet-turned-brig. Space smugglers make do! In fact both of these shitters look like repurposed linen closets, and ew, though. Who puts exposed towels on open shelves next to the shitter?? The second one is a space-saver deluxe. My, what a strange and radiant future, where you can shower in outer space using water, surrounded by towels that are intended to dry you after. It’s definitely water because there’s a drain. And if you have to take a shit you just sit beneath the sink, mind your LOWER BACK as you stand up to wash your hands, and be sure to take advantage of the streamlined “frustration management” tool. Maybe in NG+ they’ve heard of a sonic sanitation system.
Although the timeline seems a little fucky, this is purportedly where The Drifter was 200 years previously, along with some simpering followers. In spite of the time difference, and much like a Draugr barrow, you’ll find fresh food here as well as this pristine shitter! Although the upwelling of warm fuzzies that a developer put this here just for me were quickly replaced by the jumpscare of Barrett looming like a sleep paralysis demon in yon doorway. Fuck’s sake.
When Crimson Fleet scum invaded a research outpost on Bessel III they fucked this place sideways. Food left out or devoured, smashed furniture, and ROWDY GANG GRAFFITI with big Tunnel Snakes energy turned this science site into a sorry sight. That one guy who worries what the neighbors must think (there’s always one) left notes behind saying “Fix your shit, you barbarian slobs”, which didn’t go over well. Is that his blood on the ground?? Of course, the shitter is the real victim here.
On Saturn’s moon Titan, beneath the frozen lifeless surface, a humble homestead appears to barely cling to dignity. The settlement tour guide nervously chuckled before providing the following hushed admonition: “Some people actually live here, so try to be respectful of that.” Here’s where we can see a fair few of these meager crannies where people are bunking, and in one I found a book entitled Charity in a Godless World. Indeed, it certainly seems as though this is one of those places where people just insist on building in spite of all indications that the biome cannot support human life. But appearances are deceiving. Because LOOK at these shitters. In solid hammered copper with ergonomic backrests, I’m pretty sure these are over $4000 each from the Modo Bath catalogue. Derelicte!!!! The FEMA shipping container aesthetic with a Vault-Tec aroma. There is also a public bathroom, but why would you want to use something so plastic and economical when you have a personalized and naturally anti-bacterial version for your very own, luxurious ass?
Damn, what happened here? Bucket Brigadier ILikeSocks sent this image with zero context or caption.
Starfield is here, and it has shitters. Oh, thank Christ. I feel I would have been charged with a crime if this had not been so. Here we see a gorgeous interstellar shitter on your ship, the Frontier, and it’s the first one you can find! Why are we still using toilet paper in year 2330? Who knows! Nobody’s really asking that question, nobody wants to know the answer, we have shitters and I am not complaining. This is beautiful cabinet shitter has soap, it has a diary entry, and it’s all mine. It used to be Barrett’s, and of course we’re gonna wanna wipe it down before calling this place home, but damn if this isn’t some of the finest hospitality in all the universe. Bless you, Bethesda, for your continued tradition of Shitter Excellence! Shitter Safari, away!
Seems that while condemned to eke out a life on frozen barren shithole planet Grizzit’s civilian outpost, one of the colonists quit this bitch due North into the wilds. Now I’ve been tasked to retrieve him, but I say Why? If I had walked in on this scene of lotion, a box of tissues, and the freshly cracked spine on a brand new edition of War of the Worlds I’d have promptly pirouetted into the tundra as well. You have to ask yourself: Is it the titillating tale of giant lasers transforming humanity into a big goo smear, or the triumph of tiny bacteria over alien invaders that does it for them? I’m not prepared to state that either option would give me the gasms.
You know what? Who can really say, afterall maybe these were the deserter’s own leavings. Maybe his real final straw was the toxic positivity of the encouraging cartoon on the floor of the outpost’s second shitter.
This Yakuza 4 Remastered shitter vid was submitted by bucket brigadier Rockin T!
This fucking game, man. Here’s a shot of the gendered bathrooms in the hottest club in the citay, the Blue Lagoon. For our purposes, we will just refer to it as La Discothèque Benêt, because the managerial squad of this joint share one single exhausted brain cell.
These club shitters are denoted by gauche and florid neon signs featuring ancient Greek pictograms for the elements thouros (iron) and phosphoros (copper). Madison Paige resigns herself to the pink option and goes in to become Scorching Hot as a requisite component of her quest. You see, when ladies access the bathroom in La Discothèque Benêt, it’s because they wish to become even more exceedingly beautiful, thus vending machines with toothbrushes and hair spra (purse size!) are required. By the way you can’t even go into these stalls, but why would you need to because women don’t poop?! They survive with mirrors and cheap disposable cosmetics alone! Who runs this club, a clique of recently-demonetized YouTubing red pillers, with itty bitty little purse-sized brains?
The actual answer is entrepreneurial sigma crime lord Paco Mendes. The mafia runs the Blue Lagoon. There’s no salvaging the lack of shitter, but let’s just swap that vending junk for some essential club sundries. Change out the fresh kisses n’ pretty smiles crap for condoms, and instead of hair spray make it bear spray. Basic supplies for the gun-toting amateur-journalist-turned-rogue-investigator on the go!
Ignore the most disgusting part about this image, that being Detective Scott Shelby erected like a befuddled, hostile moai blockading the entrance to this stellar shitter. Look at that face. No thoughts in head, maybe just wants Pringles.
This is the home of Susan Bowles, a name that clearly states she is a shitter advocate and a woman who didn’t exactly ask for help but Scott Shelby shows up anyway. Without giving up too many details, let’s just say he discovers Susan in the process of ensuring her second child has about as much of a future as her first. Yeesh. But enough about that, get a load of this shitter, the cleanest, most sparkly, gorgeous and artful part of this dreadful scene!
Shitter is gorgeous, gotta give Susan that much credit. It’s good to see she has her priorities straight. But that chipping paint on the door frame has me concerned for baby Emily’s daily intake of lead supplements.
I see you, mother fucker! At this angle, the elevated cistern serves as a beacon saying “Right here, bitches”, so you’re sure to spot it from a mile away.
This Disco Elysium shitter has been gifted by none other than Bucket Brigadier ILikeSocks, who says: “I’m a detective in quasi-1984-meets-Dishonored world in the occupied zone of Revachol. I’m investigating a homicide, looks like a hanging, on day 4 of a 5-day investigation. So far I’ve broken into homes, punched a child, stolen a child’s drugs, my necktie talks to me, my wife left me. I keep doing speed and other drugs to get them sweet sweet stat boosts. I now go by the name Tequila Sunset. I’ve joined Communism, I’m a barely-functioning whacky mess on speed. Sometimes I even remember I’m investigating a homicide.”
Yes, Disasterpiece is both the name of this quest and theme of this mess and we are all saying “Not Me.” Wilson!!!!!!!!! This shitter deserves the Last Friend in the World trophy for the work it is doing holding the entire room together. It’s situated as the lawgiver, counselor, and priest for the eight damned souls who would be sardined into this hokey. This shitter would score ESTJ on the Myers-Briggs. Incredible that there is also a sink, which brings the sanitation level of this prison shitter to ‘ultra-rare.’
This swank shitter from Persona 5 Royal was submitted by our 2023 Bucket Brigadier of the Year ILikeSocks who is just throwing down the shitters one after the next and who gives us this ringing endorsement:
“It’s more of a phantom shitter, but there’s a musical flusssssh. Persona 5 Royal is like an anime you play. It’s got style out the butt. You’re some kid who got expelled and your “punishment” is to move away from your parents, get transferred to a new school, and live alone above a restaurant. This shitter is at the cafe you now live at as part of your probation. You were given the room by the owner because (if I remember this right) your parents know another customer that eats at that restaurant so they asked the owner? Idk. It’s the flimsiest of reasons but whatever free curry. I read the dialogue and my brains went “That’s so fucking stupid it isn’t even really important to the story”, I just live above this restaurant now because main character 🤷🏻♂️. The game opens with you conducting a heist, but you were betrayed shortly after fighting people that turned into giant codpiece-wearing leopard men… From the little I’ve gathered you can go into people, and fight their demons and shit. When it goes all psychedelic everything’s super sexual and BDSM. I’ve only played like 30 minutes of what guessing is a very long and very weird game, but the intro was so groovy I’m committed.”
In this visual demonstration, we will observe the strange juxtaposition of two fates: First, the confident and unflinching outerspace shitter from the Callisto Protocol game intro. It’s a stalwart shitter, military-grade. No nonsense, yet kitted out with some extras. You got your antimicrobial purple light inside the bowl. TP stowed where it stays clean. Although it be a humble bar of green Irish Spring, there is soap. And you got your safety strip on the floor so you watch your step, I guess. Last but not least, the main character is at ease here and he doesn’t even have the HP tracker shit on the back of his neck yet. Haute riche.
But then we see the other side of the coin, or the ‘underside of the seat’, as it were. This shit right here is what happens when both sanitation and humanity goes by the wayside because what do you get? A shitter of fear. This is Solitary Confinement Cell C1. The poor soul that was chucked in this oubliette had to make the best of what they had, which is just really fucking unacceptable in an age of space exploration! Note the desperate attempt to remain tidy, evident in the tooth care supplies stowed in a little cup. Roll your mouse over that if you really wanna see this nightmare of filth.
But the crazy shit is there are people on Earth right now who actually do live in conditions like this, in our modern age. More than 25% of our global population lacks access to basic sanitation, which makes groups like the World Toilet Organization so integral to quality of life and dignity. This generous contribution of two shitters from Bucket Brigadier ILikeSocks qualifies as two separate submissions, translating to a $10 donation to the World Toilet Organization. Check out “Why Toilets?” in the menu to bless your eyes with more information on the WTO. This and all the other Brigadier submissions will be sent in on World Toilet Day which is November 19! Thank you again to all the Bucket Brigadiers for continued excellence in Shitter Hunting.
Here’s a shitter from Marvel’s Spider-Man Remastered submitted by bucket brigadier Rockin T! Ok, it’s not a shitter, it’s the cruel ILLUSION of a shitter; you can’t even go in to see it. “Sadly we cannot enter this bathroom. It’s at a homeless shelter Peter’s Aunt May runs. And honestly the plot rn is sorta like all over the place like it’s not very cohesive, but basically you put this big hotshot villain Kingpin in prison and a ton of smaller criminals are coming out of the woodwork to get control of New York. In particular this group of “Demons” and assorted thugs. So far, the shelter has been relatively important.” A shitter is a really important component to a shelter, Marvel! Show us the pipes! We wanna see human dignity! Actually, wouldn’t it be so fucking bonkers if Aunt May’s shelter didn’t even have a shitter? Like that door’s just painted on? Next-level villain shit!
I’m not afraid of zombies, but I am afraid of AI-controlled zombie extermination units which is technically what Billy really is in Resident Evil Zero. Full disclosure: I cranked the brightness all the way up on these because the entire game is enshrouded in Ultra Evil Aura gray that obscures what we are all here to see: Shitters. Here we see Billy and Rebecca traversing a filthy restroom with a bank of urinals on one side and stalls on the other. GENEROUS portions of toilet paper have been doled out in this apocalyptic horror mess, which is quite comforting. Loving the windows over the urinals! Scenic mood! This shitter was submitted by bucket brigadier Rockin T, and as far as this brigadier can tell it is the only shitter in RE0. What a precious archaeological discovery! Our brigadier says the following: ‘Rebecca Chambers is a young medic for Special Tactics and Rescue Service (STARS) and Billy Coen is a war criminal (or is he?). They’re currently in a bathroom within a ~spooky~ mansion that is infested with specially-developed bioterrorism leeches.’ Rockin T goes on to explain that a Leech Man jumps out to surprise you in this bathroom. You know what surprises ME? There’s no flusher on this toilet?! HELLO? It’s always nice to see shitters in a game, well done Resident Evil, but is what we are seeing here mere Sanitation Theatre? A shitter is so much more than its bowl!
Bucket Brigadier ILikeSocks is back again with another shitter, this one is out of Tom Clancy’s Ghost Recon Wildlands, and sweetie, we are all saying woof at those grainy polygons. I don’t think this would kill you, even though it does look like a shitter at a gas station, but I can’t say anything bad about the sink. Good luck getting your human body out of the stalls (with actual doorknobs) that open fully into the space where you’re intended to be standing. How does the door clear the bowl?
Ah, mead. Doth yet recollect a time when a gent by the name of Sam Guevenne who looked high as a mother fucking kite bade ye quaff of the mead? Eventually your drunk ass wakes up to some daedric-level drama and over the course of fixing your shit you end up here, at Morvunskar, a crumbling pigsty cheerfully adorned with spent liquor bottles and stinky bandits. Here’s a Shitter Safari pro tip: These are not in fact shitters, they are erstwhile recycling bins containing more booze.
This one is out of Star Wars: Jedi Survivor and is brought to us by bucket brigadier ILikeSocks, who says “They knew this would end up on your blog because its one of the few moments in the game where I get a stable 60 FPS.”
From Bucket Brigadier CaptainCow here’s a shitter from Tom Clancy’s Rainbow Six Siege! Our brigadier states the following: “I have zero clue what the context for this toilet is, other than that it’s in a residential home.” Someone spent a fortune on custom tiling trying to hide the 1960’s architectural features in this villa-turned-obstacle course. Please don’t put fabric mats around the base of your toilet unless you’re doing laundry daily.
Another banger from ILikeSocks who never misses with these exemplary showcase thrones. Here’s one from State of Decay 2 that is in the running for the 2023 Blue Bowl awards.
Says our brigadier: “State of Decay is a meh. A solid B Tier. And this shitter is OKAY. I think it loses points in that it’s a camp upgrade, and not organically found in the world. I’m in my friends world because I’m to lazy to play alone, and they built this in their camp.”
Fine, but this shit bucket is impressing the fuck out of me. It’s a 5 gallon homer bucket with a seat on top! Plenty of reading material stacked up on the side table. But you know that’s just going to end up toilet paper once that Last Roll In Existence is used up. Waterproof walls, and on the floor we got some mood lighting. Out here surviving with NO DOOR!!
Once again, our Bucket Brigadier of the Year 2023, ILikeSocks has come through with an amazing Shitter of Fear. This one is right out of Little Whinging, it’s the Shitter under the Stairs but zombie edition because it’s from the Resident Evil 4 (2023 remake edition)! Here’s what Socks has to say about this debacle:
“RE4 follows with LEON BIEBER after RE2 where now he’s tasked to save the President’s daughter from evil Europeans. They may be infected or something, thats not important. What is important is that Leon has a bad case of ADHD and keeps looking for shitters instead of some teenybopper thot. His name is really Leon Kennedy, but since the RE2 remake he looks like Bieber. Why’s there a shitter under the stairs? I’m really not sure. It’s a strange design choice for sure, but who can say what those crafty Europeans are thinking. What happens if you are constipated? Do people walking down the stairs hear you fighting for your life?”
Terrific camera work in this video. The well-placed exclamation of “Shit!” And damn if that dude didn’t get shot in the EYE and still attempt a bear hug body slam. Sorry but it needs to be pointed out, this is the EXACT same tiled toilet platform from the Resident Evil: Village shitter! Granted, the flooring is in fact different. Sustainability starts at home with reusing products you already have.
Here’s a shitter from Hogwarts Legacy, submitted by Bucket Brigadier of the Year for 2023, ILikeSocks:
“HARRY POOPER! HERGWERTS! I don’t remember where this was. It was right after the first bit of quests where they have you do Charms and Defense Against Dark Arts classes. I was goofing around and found a shitter with a treasure chest in it. The needless bend in the pipe bothers me.”
The shitter itself cannot be blamed for being innocently caught in the imbroglio of its surroundings, however I do think it important to focus in on what the fuck is happening there with the stall hinges. Look at this mess. That is NOT how hinges work!
Everyone knows about Fort Snowhawk’s run-down, sub-par facilities that’s just kind of stuck any old place, but did you know there’s actually an officer’s bunk with its own shitter. Oh but it’s ON the bunk. It’s like someone took Fort Snowhawk by the foundation and gave it a little shake.
Featuring guest commentator Rockin’ T!
“This bathroom from Deus Ex: Humana Revolution is in a sort of office building. The protagonist is a cyborg guy and he’s head of security (I think), and some researchers there have been kidnapped. N you have to go like save them. But you can take a detour and go walk around and the bathrooms! And other rooms. HOWEVER (and they don’t tell you this) there is a secret time limit where if you take too long the hostages will be killed. So when I was first walking around I was taking my time, talking to ppl n exploring and came to this bathroom (to get the picture), and then boss guy who told you abt the hostages calls you and is like, “Dude wtf?? What’s taking so long?” And that call made me nervous. So I googled if there was a time limit, and yes there was. Apparently none of the other levels are like this, just the very first one. I DID make sure I went and talked to this one dude who was shittalking me. I was like, I’m gonna say smth, hostages be damned. But they were fine.”
This sounds like some original Die Hard shit! How nefarious and devious of them to try to distract you from something amazing like this shitter with threat to human life. Little do they know that neglect of shitter is in itself a threat to human life! Never neglect your shitter, always take whatever time you need to appreciate your shitter.
Check out this Cyberpunk shitter submission from the newest member of our Bucket Brigade! This is a two-fer with spectacular observations by brigadier Eoino:
“CDPR’s developers have packed Night City and its surroundings with all kinds of allusions to films in the cyberpunk genre, one of which can be found inside V’s apartment. Step through the beaded curtain in the bathroom and you will see, to the right of the toilet, three seashells. These are a sly nod to “Demolition Man,” the 1993 sci-fi action film set in a future where violent crime is virtually nonexistent, every restaurant is a Taco Bell, and toilet paper has been replaced by a system whose design fails to offer any clues about how it’s meant to be used.
Contrasting the seashells’ user-hostility is the litter box for Nibbles, V’s hairless cat. With a design that hasn’t changed since its introduction in the 1940s, the litter box occupies the pinnacle of achievement in industrial design. A kitten presented with a litter box will, with no human prompting, immediately grasp its purpose and functionality. The juxtaposition of these two design philosophies — one human-centered yet enigmatic, the other feline-centered yet perspicacious — stands as a pointed critique of a consumer culture that privileges novelty over accessibility.”
Incredible live footage by Bucket Brigadier of the Year ILikeSocks, here in Dead Space scoring us another Shitter of Fear.
This is more like a repurposed bathroom, because nobody here is using it as it was originally intended. I can’t say I recommend this as a practice at all, because imagine if a person actually needed the bathroom??
The gay Bara RPG Robin Morningwood Adventure is full of gargantuan jiggly cartoon men with barrel chests and in between the weird fetch quests the goal is to fetch some dick anywhere and everywhere you can. This location is a bar, it’s got bars on the window too, censor bars on those asses (which you can remove to reveal the bowling ball backsides of these gents if you hover over the image). It’s naughty. Peek through the Togetherness Hole to see something that makes all three of the stalls occupied at once. Every part of this bathroom is occupied. And it needs a doorframe wide enough to fit an piano through because of the shoulder measurements on every dude in this village. In real life, don’t do any of this in a bathroom. Let the shitters do their jobs.
This shitter submission is from bucket brigadier Emrysin!
A big thanks to bucket brigadier Alec for this Modern Warfare screen capture! Dear brigade, I feel that I can already sense your concerns, and I validate you. “This is ‘modern warfare’? This looks like its from the basement of a NYC office building!” But guess again, this is apparently an oil rig shitter and Jesus H. these people live like orcs. What the fuck, I’m sorry, what is this layout? The sink has misbehaved and is in time-out? Why is it sequestered in a little stall? You have to shimmy past two urinals just to get to the sink. This man’s name may be SOAP, but let’s be real, nobody here is washing their hands.
Another banger from Shitter of Fear aficionado ILikeSocks! This one is from a demo of The Mortuary Assistant. Is it a shitter of fear? The game is all about embalming dead folks and getting surprised by ghosts, so the shitter itself isn’t necessary fearsome to look at, but just knowing there’s probably a ghost nearby gives me the willies! Let’s pick this apart because there’s more to this shitter than meets the mortal eye. First of all, there’s no hover-sparkle required because IT ALREADY HAS A SPARKLE. I cranked up the exposure on this so you can see it clearly. Wow. I seldom seen something quite as meta as this. The seat looks like it’s a polyvinyl cushion, ew, and my but we are quite organized, are we not? This is an assistant who can certainly place “with pride in attention to detail” on that resume. But here’s an idea. How about you don’t decorate your entire bathroom with exposed rolls of toilet tissue and then just completely neglect to put one on the TP tension rod. There’ll be no holiday bonus until you can demonstrate improvement!
Ever get to Hardware Town? You know, the place where you’d normally buy all kinds of DIY shit to buff up your domicile, like lumber and flooring? In this case the VERY STORE needs to look inward because it desperately needs to do the work. The top images are from the showroom. Yes, these shitters were for exhibit only. Back in the day, these were the preeminent shitters that people from all over came to gawk at and admire. Now look at them. A fall from grace, but the shitters did nothing wrong.
The bottom pictures are the employee and customer restrooms at Hardware Town. These are not for show, yet here we are. Excuse me, but what sort of bullshit is going on in the employee restroom, with the 2 urinals and the toilet facing directly at them? Bob Villa doth weep! This is not a good look for Hardware Town. Lastly, those customer toilets are barely hanging on by a thread. Needs a couple caution cones, maybe a sign saying “DO NOT STEP HERE!” And we can learn something from this distressing display. The shitters here could not be crushed beneath the iron fist of nuclear annihilation, which is certainly encouraging.
This ominous message were the only words left by our Bucket Brigadier of the year, ILikeSocks, when he submitted this Dead Space shitter. Let’s enhance… enhance… and squint real hard to see what that graffito on the middle stall says. Another ominous message? A warning??
“Fuck this ship, it’s a shitty capitalist organization.”
Just facts here. As an historic point of interest, shitty capitalist space ship organizations almost always naturally devolve into crew genocide at the hands of slimy aliens.
Get your purple nitrile gloves and your ACE bandages because it’s party time! In this scene from Back 4 Blood you will use a bar’s jukebox as bait for a hillbilly rock-hating, phonophobic wave of zombies. This wave has the population size of a small city, and they will (ideally) attack the source of the music instead of attacking you. From there it’s spray and pray. It’s the same idea behind Fallout 76’s timed event “One Violent Night”, and I’m sure a ton of other games too. There’s no door! There isn’t even any hardware on the frame to indicate that there were intentions for a future door. This room doubles as a storage nook for bottled water and office supplies. Zero respect is given to this shitter, yet it maintains a quiet dignity.
Special thanks to bucket brigadier Emrysin for pausing between the splatter to secure this screenshot.
The investigation into the Origami Killer takes our detectives to the Kramer mansion where a super fun party is taking place. I’ll let you in on a little secret: The party sucks balls, it’s just a bunch of skinny Sims extras doing the Sims Party Dance and many are wearing digital clock face belt buckles that flash the word “COOL” because I guess people have a hard time knowing when and where this party is actually being cool. This festive banquet of amusement is so exclusive that goons are standing guard at the base of the driveway, in the rain, ensuring only COOL people enter. So naturally when an obviously cool guy like Detective Scott Shelby waddles up to the gate in his trench coat, presenting his cardboard invitation, they let him right in. He looks like somebody’s dad and he’s Party Cyanide but nobody seems to notice. Lauren Winter begs you to let her slouch in with you because she is such a GREAT DETECTIVE and has a real sixth sense about PEOPLE, but once she’s here she cries about how loud it is and isn’t having any fun, so you are left to explore by yourself.
Well, Detective Shelby is on the case and the first thing I did was locate the shitter. This is the best shitter these avant riche fools could drum up? It looks like it belongs off the reception area of an acupuncturist’s office. I hate concrete sinks to begin with, but this one is also visibly dirty. Raw brass fixtures and shitty Pier 1 fingerpaints. Gag. That MIGHT be Travertine flooring, but the hideous bare bulb vanity surround does not exactly highlight this room’s best features, if it had some. Explain to me why no one could restock either one of these tp rolls, which I would like to point out are chain bolted to the wall. No, everything is wrong. Torch it and start over.
Faintly interesting fact about Heavy Rain: In this scene, you’ll create a diversion with a drunk dude you call “friend” to get past the meatnecks guarding the way upstairs. You do the very same thing at the Thalmor Embassy during the main quest in Skyrim - a game that was released nearly a year later than Heavy Rain.
Submitted by bucket brigadier Rockin T this is the first-class cabin shitter from Zero Escape: Nine Hours, Nine Persons, Nine Doors! In this moment, we are peering through a crystal ball to reveal The Prophecy! Rockin T explains: “You’re in the Nevada Test Facility, which is studying morphogenetic fields, and is designed to look like the Titanic. Because one of the test facilities is on the sister ship of the Titanic, the Gigantic, which is a replica of the Titanic, and the testing facilities must be identical, the Nevada Test Site ALSO looks like the Titanic. They’re trying to check if human fear is powerful enough to transmit thoughts to another. The idea is one group solves puzzles and transmits the solutions to the other group out of fear for their lives since they’ll die if they don’t solve the puzzles and escape in under 9 hours.”
There’s always a showy, trifling kerfuffle around the ideal configuration by which the toilet paper should unroll, while far less emphasis placed on lowering the lid of the toilet seat so yucky bacterial water doesn’t spray out when you flush the thing. Just do it. Anyway, this backstory is all rather rich if not convoluted and it sounds like the logic for this experiment was birthed from the musings of a 1930s laudanum reverie. But wait, there’s more: “That was in the past, however, because this is a second test, designed to allow Junpei to transmit his thoughts back in time to save his childhood friend Akane, who is CURRENTLY stuck on the Gigantic, but like 10 years ago. She exists in both time periods and essentially remembers the future, so she creates the future in order to allow it to happen. This toilet is in one of the cabins that Junpei must try to escape. Multiple times in the game he finds important items for escaping either in or around the toilet! But he does not actually attempt to flush himself down it.”
Stress can make you really sit up straight so it’s really no surprise that we see this shitter being fastidiously clean as a crutch. What does this shitter gain from being an unpaid time-traveling escape-trinket emissary? Except personal GLORY? Well when the job MUST be done right, trust a shitter. It behooves us as the members of the Maritime Toilet Club to decorate this shitter with the 1912 George V Mercantile Marine War PNG (for services to the timeline while at Sea), which you may gaze upon by mousing over the image above (as always).
Fun Fact: “The Gigantic was invented for the game, but the Titanic DID have sister ships. The Britannic sank in the Aegean Sea on November 21, 1916, killing 30 people. More than 1000 others needed to be rescued. So BOTH the Titanic and its ACTUAL sister ship sunk n killed people.” They learned nothingggggg.
Submitted by bucket brigadier Rockin T! This scene is from the Undertale spinoff Deltarune, a game which is currently in a free and unfinished state of being, and has only two chapters. And yet, remarkably, it has a shitter. A paragon of essential game design!
If you guessed that this is somebody’s mom’s shitter, you would be 100% correct. The character we see here is Kris, protagonist, and this is the house where they live with their mother. Says Rockin T: “The bathroom is just part of the house that you can walk in if you want to, but isn’t lore-important until the second chapter when they’re asked to wash their hands in there.” Aside from the UltraMom decor styling, check out that Poland Spring refill jug size Pert Plus in the shower. It’s just about as large as Kris’ enormous HEAD.
Submitted by bucket brigadier Swolito this potty stall is brought to us from Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain. These stalls are used by Venom Snake as extra pockets for hiding bodies, waiting for time to pass, and I suppose he could hide from a helicopter in here, and other things probably too. Normally you can’t really see inside. Says Swolito: “I blew the door off of it”. Dummy thicc. While I do love a squatty potty let’s just admit that this is probably NOT all that it promises to be. You’re telling me someone dug out a pit to go beneath this? Doubtful. More likely that this is just a crate dropped in with the rest of the camp. The phantom pit! Kudos to Metal Gear for this think piece.
I just want to make one thing abundantly clear and that is in the Heavy Rain universe, these people do NOT believe in handwashing, and they do NOT believe in calling 911. And your own wife will absolutely throw you completely under the bus and tell the cops and the FBI that you are definitely a deranged killer, so you probably should have brought that shoebox full of evidence to the police the minute you got your hands on it.
I initially had some hope left over for this Oaf, but he took a piss in this toilet, and then when I went to use the sink to wash my hands he just splashed water on his face! No soap! I dislike this man, but he is under a lot of stress and it’s not entirely his fault that all this happened. I mean what happened to Jason was completely Jason’s fault, and what happened to Shaun was completely the mother’s fault. What is she doing leaving Shaun alone with this moron after what happened to Jason?
Anyway, you decide to get a room at the Crossroad Motel, and this is the shitter there. Gosh, does it ever look depressed to be mixed up in this story. You’re here to try to solve the crime on your own instead of teaming up with FutureCyberRobocop Norman Jayden, the only guy in this entire shitshow that believes in the healing power of technology. Yes, the only way to bring this killer to justice is to keep it all a secret, just like the bad handwashing habits! The trinkets you’re supposed to use as clues are little NUMBERED origami figurines that all correspond to ordeals you must survive just to get another computer chip with a tiny video clip on it of your kid peering up at you from a drain grate. Okay, then why doesn’t this idiot just open the FINAL ORIGAMI figurine FIRST and just go directly to the finish line? Fucking oaf.
It is here in this room that Madison reemerges in the story to help dress the wounds the Main Oaf sustains crawling through a tunnel of glass that defies the laws of physics as to how it got there and she neither 1) washes her hands before applying first aid, nor 2) calls an ambulance as the Oaf tosses and turns in a fever coma throughout the night. A little while later, Madison reveals her insane lifelong fetish of roleplaying as Unqualified Doctor. So it’s not exactly a mystery that when Madison offers to help the Oaf he completely refuses. Yeah, he’s capable of fucking his life up perfectly well on his own.
This game has a thing for huge walls of windows and shitters in cubbyholes. And idiots in their underwear. This is Madison Paige, journalist, mere seconds before she is mercilessly slain by a pair of identical twin thugs. My God, what are the odds? When you first meet Madison you don’t know yet that she’s a journalist, instead you think she’s got to be a fucking ninja because of the way she fights off a set of matching goons, like she’s Jason Bourne or Noomi Rapace (in any of various Noomi Rapace movies).
This shitter is also truly a miracle to behold because the only way you are ever going to see it is if you execute a series of quicktime events in a sequence that allows Madison to die in her bathroom. Nice, another silent WITNESS to an unspeakable crime. Survivor’s guilt is pretty common in the shitter community and the blame lies squarely on the developers. Yeah you want to put the shitters in the scene because you know that shit sells. But think of the collateral damage! That shitter is now in the witness protection program. That shitter is Waldo! You’ll never see that shitter again or if you do, you better not refer to it by its former name because it will flat out ignore you. She does not know you. Walk away!
I would like to just quickly point out that Madison Paige has a product called “PAIN” on her linen pantry shelf. I don’t know what that is, but a bucket of pain sounds like a pretty good self-defense implement. Anyway bottom line is the entire ordeal is a stupid fake nightmare and Madison doesn’t really die so that shitter only exists on the astral plane. It was just a prank, bro! That shitter existed for only a moment in time and then was gone. Okay, but everything I said before, about the glib bandying of shitters as traumatic crime props remains a legitimate social concern. They are capable of so much more. Lets see more shitters in cinematic roles as administrators and mentors.
The weirdest shit happens in Heavy Rain and it’s all stuff that has nothing to do with the plot.
This is the shitter in your house that you share with your wife, two sons, and a songbird who has no freedom and no windows and that straight up dies on your watch. Shame on this shirtless oaf for his disregard of the happiness of the bird. After 10 min of bumping into walls it is ‘revealed’ that you are thinking about taking a shower. Of course, you can imagine my delight that the first stop on this journey was the bathroom. But yes “bathroom” it was, only, because in this room there is just a sink, a shower, and separate bathtub that’s located just behind Oaf in this picture. To get to the actual shitter you have to leave the bathroom and it’s on your left in a little closet. There are no windows in either of these rooms. Ridiculous. I disapprove!
It gets worse. In Heavy Rain you can only interact with specific objects at specific times, so you can imagine that it gives me no pleasure whatsoever to rat on this Oaf and tell the entire internet that he does not wash his hands after his encounter with the shitter. He just goes back into the bathroom and shaves his face, and then plays with his kid’s toys, unsanitary hands and all. Disgusting!
Heavy Rain has plenty of opportunities for you to exercise your scorn for the Oaf and his gross habits, including purposefully dropping the groceries, drinking the coffee too fast, and rolling around in the lawn like a dog. Lastly, while playing Heartwarming Plastic Toy Sword Battle with your child, you can make sure that you, the adult, makes it perfectly clear who the man of the house is by completely kicking his ass. Afterward, you’ll see your own scorn for the Oaf is no match for that of his sons, as they leave you passed out on the grass while they bolt inside for some delicious lunchies. Fast forward 20 years when only one of the sons still acknowledges you exist. Proper handwashing is so very essential.
From bucket brigadier Emrysin here’s a classic blue sentinel potty stall that squats in the base camp of the apocalypse survival game Back 4 Blood. Now in most zombie apocalypse games you don’t get a lot of time to spend on the actual toilet. Because toilet time is all about repose and serenity, and there is none of that while the world is ending. This game has the foresight to put a shitter right in the camp so at least you have a little time to yourself before you go on missions, and to be clear these missions are not the creeping n’ sniping sort of missions. These are more the ‘mow your way through absurd undead population density.’ You’re like a bug zapper light in this game. Endless splatter. You can’t open the door, but mouse over the image if you want a closer look at that helpful handmade sign.
Here’s a Shitter of Fear from our Brigadier of the Year ILikeSocks! Once again from Callisto Protocol, this was spotted in the hospital wing after our hero escaped an ambush.
That does NOT look good. This is a shitter for a building where you’re supposed to go to get all healed up from your maladies and boo boos? You’re going to get tetanus, trichomoniasis, subhepatic hematoma, functional dyspepsia and all that jazz just stepping over the threshold of this minuscule concrete closet. Callisto Protocol has almost no HUD, but since you’re in a prison on Europa they’re using this prisoner collar on your neck to show your health and track your location and stuff. It’s like an Apple watch for your neck! Does this mean that if you go outside of the map your head explodes or something? Best to assume it does.
This submission is by bucket brigadier Alec! Not much is known about this shitter from Modern Warfare, but we can say a whole lot about it. First of all, this may be modern but this ain’t war. Sorry, kiddo, but this is just somewhat messy. Seat is up, which although is direct disrespect to the shitter does not amount to a war crime. A shitter with the seat up like that just isn’t dressed properly. And your bathroom will stay cleaner in general if you put that shit down, son. Anyway, turns out you can polish a turd because look at that goofy little vase of flowers. I’m pretty sure Thich Nhat Hanh was talking about this shitter when he said, “You cultivate the flower in yourself so that I will be beautiful; I transform the garbage in myself so that you will not have to suffer.”
Similarly to what we see here, I have rented apartments that had bathrooms with no window, and I must say, never again. Although I can confidently assert I endeavor to maintain commodes of a pristine state, bathrooms without windows are dank and not in the premium kind of way. Any place that has a bathroom with no window is hiding some mold problems. Trust.
I still have questions. Where is that light source coming from, what is going on with that square of sunlight when there is no window, what is causing the dual newtonian reflective flares on either side of the room, are we inside some spiritual realm where light does not enter yet is dynamically formed? Truly a shitter to contemplate.
From our 2021 Bucket Brigadier of the Year Emrysin, this rare-ass shitter is from Dragon’s Dogma and it was just in a hallway with no door or anything. So this beautiful example of medieval engineering is not only a shitter, but it is also a siege weapon. Note the arrow hole in the wall: This is very wise placement. The first spot you might think of shitting yourself while you hide from a barbarian onslaught might very well be right at the toilet, but Dragon’s Dogma already thought of that and gave you the resources you need to defend the fortress. Pew pew while you poo poo or whatever. And they’re gonna do you one better because I’ll wager (can’t say for certain because there’s no way to angle the camera down) if there’s an arrow hole in the crapper then the shitter itself is a murder hole so you can rain down holy hell on the invaders below. Unleash a bioweapon of unmitigated scorn. It just makes sense.
There’s something so funny to me about sneaking around to get a peek at this electric purple nightmare shitter with a flashlight powered with D-Cell batteries.
If your parents loved you, they baptized you in the ballpit at Chuck E. Cheese but if they didn’t love you, they only baptized your older sister and left you at home to scratch out a social life telling stories to the backyard trees. I’ll leave it to you to figure out which one I was. Anyway, Freddy’s is like Chuck E. Cheese but without the tragic backstory. Freddy’s horror show is FUN! Freddy is the multifaceted feverdream mascot that children crave.
This glimglam shitter was submitted by bucket brigadier Rockin T! It’s from the horror-ish game Five Nights at Freddy’s: Security Breach. Is it a scary game? Says Rockin T: “Depends on the person!” How wise. This applies to so many situations in this life. Apparently this game has a lot of jumpscares, which to me is more annoying than scary.
Ready for the lore-down? The corkscrew mess in the foreground is detritus left behind by a collectible/quest item. I know, but just accept it for now. It doesn’t really matter why, and it doesn’t need to make sense. In fact you might do more damage trying to flex your noodle around that so best to leave it be. The character on the shitter seat is Glamrock Freddy and his face is the logo for a children’s pizza/fun place. “The Pizzaplex used to be a little pizzeria kids’ place, so they were just plain animals, and now it’s like new and improved and they’re a band. There are many versions of him.” Like animatronic Grateful Dead Dancing Bears that you’d prefer to observe from the quiet side of ballistic glass, the Freddy Bears come in every color of the rainbow and have different personalities too! Apparently, Glamrock Freddy is “naive and friendly.” No wonder he is the face of this shitter!
No, not a flat shitter, a Flat shitter, like another word for apartment.
Stray is a platforming game with vapors of Twilight Princess and killer robotic tardigrades which detract from the pleasant experience. You play an orange tabby (originally a black cat) whose carefree frolicking amid flowers, butterflies, and a loving family is pointlessly derailed. Your vastly superior life takes a sharp left into a trashed, abandoned metropolis. Immediately after tumbling into a pit of broken glass and crushed cans (and taking internal damage, probably), you become a personal detective and solve problems for SELFISH ELECTRONIC STRANGERS! Bullshit, I say. Let me just drink from crystal-clear rain puddles and nap on wildflower meadows! What the fuck!
This apartment is the first real safe place you find and as soon as you enter it you knock shit off a table. The safe space aspect of this location is denoted by the presence of a shitter, although I don’t much like that draft bearing down from the window like that. The decor is awful but you don’t even get to stay here very long to take it all in because there’s already some jerk named B-12 desperately flashing lights in your face demanding your help. And then he just puts a harness on you and rides you around the city, very Midna-like. Luckily for B-12, you’re the world’s smartest pussy because you not only solve puzzles but you can read, count, and play basketball. I guess your motivation is to get back to your family, but B-12 has his own agenda and basically your whole purpose now is to solve that mystery for him.
Anyway, I only bought this game because the probability for shitters seemed high and look, there’s one right here. So I guess I’m the smart pussy who landed on her feet this time.
Here’s a Shitter of Fear brought to us by our reigning Bucket Brigadier of the Year, ILikeSocks, from the terrible yet beautiful Callisto Protocol. Around this time of year BuzzPopNews or whatever bombards your default feed with “I didn’t ask for this”-type articles about words nobody should use anymore in the new year. Let’s try it ourselves starting with Antisocial vs. Asocial. While using this image as a guide, see if you can identify the correct adjective that describes this shitter:
Asocial: adj. Not social, such as rejecting or lacking the capacity for social interaction.
Antisocial: adj. Averse to the society of others. Unsociable; hostile or harmful to organized society, especially being or marked by behavior deviating sharply from the social norm.
The answer we are looking for is obviously the latter. Although the aesthetic here is making me really want a stainless shitter (look at the gleam on that bowl!). While it can be inferred that the ‘interior designer’ of this compound was trying to diminish the dignity of prisoners via exposure, the proximity of the shitter to the door of the cell is quite clearly a punishment for everyone else. Who wants to see that shit? So when you’re describing how you’re feeling on any particular day, think back to this shitter. You don’t want to go out, you don’t want to interact with others, so you’re feeling asocial. If you’re eager for everyone getting a good appraisal of your down-low bits, that’s antisocial. Let the shitter be your guide!
So it’s finally fucking here, something we have all been waiting for! 2022 is over, everyone always says “Last year was a flaming dumpster fire, good riddance!” but wasn’t 2022 quite a bit better than a couple of them previous years, let’s be honest? We’ve had some great shitters in 2022, yes a lot less than usual perhaps and I completely own that because as you have heard me say a thousand times I’ve been in school and it fucking sucks, dude. If I could hunt shitters for my living, I would do it, but so far nobody has stepped up to be my Shitter Daddy (sorry, I won’t say that ever again). Anyway before we get into the winner (not like you can’t immediately see the image) here’s a breakdown of what qualifies (and quantifies) as a Blue Bowl shitter.
This Blue Bowl Award is brought to us by our 2022 Brigadier of the Year, ILikeSocks, and it’s from Callisto Protocol. This one slide down the chute just before the end of the year and she is doing the most. This prison shitter gave me the thrills, and the chills! It’s going above and beyond with all that background glitter. Just based on the shitters alone I would definitely play this game, but you know what, honestly here’s a little review of the game from Socks himself, so you be the judge:
“A overwhelming “Meh”. Wait till sale or GamePass. It’s more unfinished half baked combat. The game looks great, spiritual successor-ish to Dead Space. But the combat is melee focused, not a terrible idea in itself but it’s shallow and quickly gets repetitive and when fighting more than one monster the combat falls apart and gets infuriating. Think melee combat as basic as Hellblade 1… maybe moreso, and where the monsters are happy to just gank the shit out of you and you dodge with the left stick for some reason. The dodge and combat break down when fighting anything more than one monster. For me at least, it’s in the same boat as Alan Wake 1. I really want to push forward with the story, I love the genre (Stephen Kingish Sci-fi Horror) but the gameplay is just to basic, repetitive and like pulling out my teeth. Also it’s mostly cheap jump scares and gore. Not really scary. Then again Dead Space wasn’t scary either. Some of the monsters are cool, but there isn’t much variety so far. Also same review applies for SCORN while we’re at it.”
Game quality and all of that aside, the shitter is fucking delivering. I am flush with more Callisto Protocol Shitters of Fear queued up to flash at you, now that I’m on a solid break so please look forward to it! 2023: The best is waiting for us! I am ready for this shit!
Hunty, what the fuck is “Smile for Me”? It’s a creepy and beautiful acid trip made from mixed media and interactive puzzles. You play Flower Kid, and while at The Habitat you meet strange folks, solve problems on their behalf, and get to sleep in a Cowboy Bed. The main objective is to prevent everyone from “losing their smiles forever” to the vindictive yet sensitive, clownish and gender non-conforming villain Dr. Boris Habit. So here’s the shitter.. and look! there’s a smile right inside it! Turns out this is a quest item. This shitter is submitted by Bucket Brigadier Rockin T!
This shitter is brought to us by Bucket Brigadier Rockin T from the game Gone Home which is serving up Indie Vibes with that font. Says our brigadier: “I actually don’t FULLY remember the plot of this game but it’s the 90s and you’re a woman who’s come home to an empty house and you look through it to unravel the truth of your sister’s first love. Essentially while you’ve been away, your younger sister fell in love with a woman and the family wasn’t supportive and everything sorta fell apart so now the house has been largely abandoned.”
Deplorable, shitty family dynamics need not necessarily translate into deplorable bathroom situations, because as we can see this is a fairly spotless restroom, all things considered. Damn. This shitter has witnessed some truly bad parenting, and although it too was abandoned, we are taking a moment to appreciate it once again because look at that elegant, elevated cistern. Not something I would put in my own bathroom but hey the 90s were crazy baby. AND BY THE WAY, that push-button flusher was patented in 1993, so FINALLY we get video game designers who actually do their RESEARCH! (I’m looking at you, Fallout 76).
Ever just lose your keys and then think “Of course, I’ve left them in the shitter.” If so, the best advice I can give you for this LIFE is to just not take things out of your pocket while you are in the bathroom. It will make everything much easier for you, you will lose less things and touch fewer germs overall. From Bucket Brigadier ILikeSocks, this keyless entry is from Alan Wake remastered, a horror game that isn’t very scary. Our Brigadier-submitted commentary follows thusly:
It takes place in the same universe as Control and one of the DLCs was related to it. I’m expecting a lot of weird paranormal shit and that won’t make sense. It’s like “Totally Not Stephen King” from the 2010s. All their games are weird AF but I love their stories for some reason. Also it’s clear to me now Remedy is a smaller studio because they reuse all the same voice actors. Not that I mind because they all have 10/10 narrator voices.
Alan wake has the worlds weakest flashlight. The battery drains in like 5 seconds. In this scene, our Shitter Safari takes place as the hero tries to find car keys to get back to the cabin. Your wife is missing (I mean you were probably divorcing anyway) and there’s like evil darkness fucking with everything. Fun Fact: The stall on the right there you can’t open because some nerd is waiting to pop out (I had to reset game because the lights went out and I couldn’t take these glam shots). I’m finding manuscripts I haven’t written yet. and it seems like at this place you can write fiction to be real or something.
Cmon, concentrate! If you could write fiction to become reality anywhere in the world, it should be while on the shitter. Everyone knows the best thinking of the day happens right here, after all the gut is lined with brain-equivalence neurons.
Bucket Brigadier ILikeSocks is taking us to the major leagues with a collection of Shitters of Fear from the Future. Horror survival game Callisto Protocol thrills us in the first 30 seconds with a prison shitter, which I love to see. Some sage wisdom from Socks:
“I literally have no idea what’s going on in the story yet. It’s basically a dead space game. Which itself was basically Resident Evil 4 in Space. You crash your “Aliens”-style cargo ship, and they are like “Guess you’re in prison now,” then monsters break out. I was supposed to take an elevator up but it went down because it was broken for plot reasons so they have you go through solitary as an alternate route. This is the Solitary Confinement shitter. Everyone loves shitters of fear, but no one wants one in real life.”
Too fucking true, dude. We delight in the beauty of the Shitter of Fear, but rarely admit the utter debacle it has gone through to acheive that beauty. Let’s break it down: This prisoner was evidently a shrewd DIY crafter because look at all those empty TP rolls. Everyone knows you can make many delightful decorations and ornaments with these! This restroom is obviously a MAKERSPACE. Pair that with copy of the Tao Te Ching you see on the shitterside console and your inner anthropological detective begins to form a portrait of who this prisoner was: A thoughtful introvert who just cared too much. And what a comfort it must have been to have this bulletproof shitter, pulling double-duty as a sink, for a companion during their time of great personal turmoil. Shitters of Perseverance!
Submitted by Bucket Brigadier Rockin T, this shitter comes to us from Danganronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc! A visual novel adventure game, it is exceptional due to the fact that it accounts for the requirement of bathroom breaks in any adventure. This scene shows us the death of Sayaka Maizono, and her corpse is in Makoto Naegi’s dorm bathroom. Her vital fluids are hot pink because this is the cute sort of horror. As told by our Brigadier: “She was killed here trying to frame Makoto for murder by killing Leon, but then Leon tried to kill her instead and she hid in the bathroom, but he managed to kill her with the knife. In this scene, you’re examining the room for evidence! They think the killer is Makoto originally, but you go through the trial and are able to prove that it was Leon! You can’t see it in this screenshot, but behind her, she wrote LEON, but upside-down because she drew it in blood with her finger on the wall so it was facing her. So, it looks like it says 11037 because the line between the N is too smudged. A lot of the trial is figuring out the importance of the code.”
I seem to remember this exact plot from an episode of Matlock wherein a dying woman still had the strength necessary to program her VCR to the time “3:37” because her killer’s name was LEE. She was also upside-down at the time. If you know anything about programming a VCR, it requires every ounce of your concentration plus black magic fuckery and the help of a TI-84 Plus graphing calculator, and a sextant couldn’t hurt, so I have doubts.
The toilet in this scene is very interesting. Fun fact: Contrary to an outsider’s assumption of sheer ignorance, this toilet is NOT behind a transparent partition of performative privacy theater. Rather, this ladycorpse is in a shower, and the toilet could only look on helplessly through the glass as this terrible crime was perpetrated. No one ever asks a shitter to testify, and I think that’s a loophole that killers often capitalize upon!
You know how much I love me a dungeon shitter. Today’s submission is from Bucket Brigadier ILikeSocks who reminds us that in the darkest hour, there’s always a glimmer of hope. In this case, it’s a standard wood-plank crapper with no seat. You’re meant to sit your ass directly on that surface, and imagine the creepy crawlies making a home in there. Says our brigadier: “Resident Evil 8 ended with you dying and saving your daughter. Turns out you were made of mold the entire 7th and 8th game. Shadows of Rose DLC is 16 years after RE8. You go into the mold hivemind/dreamscape to get rid of your powers. Shitter is in the beginning of the DLC. In the dungeons, I think.” This shit reads like a wartime journal entry.
I know what you’re thinking. “What descent into madness?” Can you really call it that, when you have a friend like this for your spirit guide? Look at it, cheerfully waiting to usher you down into the bowels of this stinking pit, where you’ll meet a lunatic who is a pleasure to know. Lorenzo Cabot! He may as well be the Lord of the Underworld, at least in this universe, as he’s the closest to undead without being a ghoul that you’re likely to meet. And he’s so grateful for your help in escaping this shithole, gives you permanent stat buffs for the rest of the game. Can’t really beat that.
Do you aspire to be an alt-legitimate businesswoman, and to one day tunnel into an administrative treasury building? Take a leaf out of of the playbook of Bobbi No-Nose, the steely-eyed ghoul bitch who fucking hates the post-apocalypse Boston government. She’s a couple hundred years ahead of you, so if you wanna get on Bobbi’s level, the first thing you’ll need to do is hire a couple of patsies to do your dirty work. Queens do not sully their own hands.
Unfortunately for Bobbi, the patsy she hires is you and in the course of digging right into the crumbling, decaying bedrock of a once-great city, you kind of completely ruin Bobbi’s plans and her entire life. What makes this so tragic is Bobbi isn’t even worse than any of the murderers, assholes, pill pushers and mafiosos in the Wasteland. If not for the sidequest, this calculating entrepreneuse could have made it into the record books and gotten away with the heist of the millenium!
And where did our #WomanInTech cook up the blueprint for that heist? Right here is where the magic happens, baby! A home office that is also a secure place for stolen goods, also a storage facility, also a fucking pigsty for random garbage and also a SHITTER! Anyone who works from home knows if you want to get anything done you need that shitter close to your workstation and Bobbi closes the gap with this ludicrous life hack.
Wanna see something fucked up? This is what you’ll find in the N&M Freight Depot, the place Bobbi No-Nose tunnels to find the TRUE treasure of Goodneighbor. A secluded shitter, the perfect place to hide from the world, have a smoke, and think about how precious life is.
Ready for some FUN?! The world has gone all topsy-turvy! I have to ask you to try not to shriek … with delight! at this Clown Shitter, which is truly a testament to the brilliance of Bethesda Game Studios circa 2016. The Funhouse is a linear maze of optical illusions, including corridors of mirrors, and a room with a spinning floor with doors all along the walls and if you were to actually grab one of the doorknobs with your hand to try to open it while the room is spinning you’d probably dislocate your shoulder. You know, generic funhouse shit. And there’s this area, which is modelled after a suburban house, except the furniture is glued to the ceilings and walls. The best part of all is of course the shitter. Thank you to the designer that decided this needed to be here. Because it absolutely does.
Listen up, dollface, you’re gonna be a star! Hear me? And we gotta special dressing room ready for you, this is gonna knock your socks clean off, see? Just wait’ll ya see this, kid. Of course it’s private! But you know one or two of us might need to sneak in there to use the toilet now and then. Atta girl, you’re a real team player kiddo! Just mind the splintered floor boards and the ghouls of course and I’ll show you around the joint!
Ya just put cha coat heah, ya gotcha comic books heah, it- it’s ..carpeted, it’s state-of-the-art carpeting, too! Look how textured it is! And just look at this soundproofing! Ain’t nothin’ gettin’ through bricks, kid. All right we’ll leave ya here to get settled in. Welcome to Hollywood!
Even in the barren wastes of the Badlands, you can find beauty. This shitter is something special. It’s located in the Aldecaldos camp where squats Panam Palmer’s misfit family. This shitter is an example of how a little ingenuity and know-how can be the difference between living the high life and merely surviving. I’ll leave it to you to determine which one is happening here.
Notice the platform of plastic palettes that lift the shitters about 6 inches from the ground. This is an important step to constructing an outdoor shitter, because the scorpions, sand fleas, crickets, cockroaches, and other icky crawlers have a harder time getting near where you place your ass. Regardless, you’re gonna wanna lift and slam down that seat lid at least once before sitting, just in case. The spray left on the unit surfaces is a nice touch. The plastic curtain is okay, I guess, it at least gives the illusion of privacy and it’s better than anything opaque since you never know what kind of scum is lurking around taking pictures in the toilets. I’m going to guess the cartons are for holding various shitter sundries such as more pest control measures and toilet paper. The magazine on the ground is a No. That’s just more fuel for pests to use for nesting material, or to hide under. But let’s cut these folks some slack. At least they set this up, and that’s more than most would do in this situation. That’s saying a lot considering the average Aldecaldo education extends as far as “driving stick.”
IDEK what to call this bullshit. Let me set the stage for you here. Bradley Costigan was an “inside choom” at a Militech prison, but he decided he’s not into that choomery anymore and the Tyger Claws didn’t like hearing that. Unfortunately for his wife Lauren, that means she gets kidnapped and thrown into this absolute fucking travesty of a holding cell, and I have just one question - Where? Is? The Shitter? Taki Kazo, the United Nations wants to have a word with you because as the boss of this little band of criminally-violent street urchins, you are responsible for this shit!
Lauren is basically non-responsive when I find her in a filthy mess of cardboard and graffiti, but she perks right up when heroically rescued from this condemned concrete pit. Incredible how that works. I did this one as a stealth mission, but trust me when I say as soon as I completed it, I went back through here and taught each one of these Tyger Claw idiots a lesson in human decency.
It’s another shitstorm of corruption, murder, and espionage in Night City. This time, some nobody on the Night City Council killed a journalist with computer magic. While sneaking around in the station that houses the CCTV footage you need, you find a man getting the shit beaten out of him in a bathroom. And the only real reason I’m here is to get snaps of the shitters, so when I shook him by the collar and demanded to know - “Are there any other shitters in the building?! Tell me!!” - he had the gall to say purely the most disgusting thing ever. Every shitter is unique and precious! Though this one has seen better days. What could compel someone to scrawl “No Future” on a substandard privacy barrier? I’m guessing it was the mystery meat kebabs.
Torres Piombo is listed as a “minor character” in the cast of Hitman, but if we’re getting honest, he’s probably the biggest character because he provides so much ocular spice. In the classy Mediterranean town of Sapienza, Torres Piombo is simultaneously just one man, and somehow also a buffet of eclectic colors, style, and aromas. The ankle bracelet-clad Bohemian alpha male exudes rainbow-hued bachelor aura waves from his penthouse apartment above the (checks notes) Town Hall? Lose yourself in the peaceful swirling and twirling to the music emanating from his Zen den. Marvel at his collection of cans, bottles, and Buddhist figurines, while partaking of his whacky weed. Sink your toes into the luxury of the garnet shag bathroom rug set. Get fired up to punch a Nazi after experiencing the unbridled testosterone of his Fascism-killing acoustic musical implement!
In this screenshot, submitted by bucket brigadier Swolito, we see beatnik lamb Torres needlessly slaughtered. At least his dearest companion in this life was at his side during his final moments! Alas, a shitter cannot give testimony in RICO trials.
From our Bucket Brigadier of the Year 2021, Emrysin, here are two gendered toilet banks in an actual Dungeons and Dragons tavern map. This is a rare Birdseye View shitter. Says Emrysin: “That’s the tavern we were staying at while investigating a series of murders tied to un underworld crime syndicate. The well in the center of the room goes down into the sketchy place. When we entered the tavern the first time, some slimes and a troll came out of the hole. The tavern is known for the hole in the middle of it, it’s named after it, if I remember correctly.”
How do the toilets factor into the dice rolling? If you go in there and roll a 2, is that a good thing? According to Emrysin, “A giga-slime creature did come out of the toilet, that we had to fight too. It was all very questionable.”
Delamain is the AI taxi service with a whole mess of problems. The fastidious, tight-laced queen running the show in blue lipstick keeps losing its shit, and there’s a rambling treasure hunt you must complete if you ever want to see this shitter.
Throughout the game, the storyline keeps trying to convince you that computers are the wave of the future, but Delamain is run entirely by computers and machines, and its rather a troubled beast. If you’re anything like me, when you got a look at this you asked yourself, “Why?” Who even is using this shitter, as there are no humanoid employees with humanoid, shitter-using asses within this corporation? Peek around in the old email logs and you’ll find out there used to be a lot of human employees until they transferred all the power over to an AI, which soon took over the company and fired everyone.
Oddly enough, the AI controls helper-bots of all shapes and sizes and yet never bothered to clean this room. Creepy and barely usable, one stall is entirely inaccessible and the other is just a very big NO. Reminiscent of the shitters from Prey, a dank-ass area rug half soaked in what could be any kind of liquid lays crumpled beneath the bank of sinks. Nearby stands a trough of urinals. The green tint of it all makes you wonder which of the strewn trash items will turn out to be a mimic. And this is where I start to question the power of artificial intelligence. Even if robot asses have no use for this space, they could have scoured it of the former human filth and garbage and reallocated its purpose. Seems as though the human programmers never considered the necessity of cleanliness and sanitation as part of their day-to-day, and thus did not program a janitor function. That “hacker stink” has roots in habitual negligence.
Fun fact! The book on the back of the toilet is a smut mag called “Sex and Chrome.”
You have been tasked with some detective work to find out how a Valentino gangster named José Luis got away with homicide. After tiptoeing into a Heywood car depot, easily bypass the many chauffeurs and sentries to locate José Luis, who looks like he emits the combined odors of Drakkar Noir, rancid onions, and a pet shop that only sells lizards. Before you dump him and his shiny tattoos into the boot of an awaiting car, get a peak at his shitter!
This sight took my breath away and I found myself staring agape at the glaring brilliance of this shitter. This bathroom is fucking amazing. Trash and detritus all over the place. Particles of disintegrating insulation float through god rays that remind you that you ARE in the presence of something magnificent and sacred and tragically beautiful. There is a lone square, black candle by the toilet (off-camera) that I’m certain is Drakkar Noir-scented and is intended as a vigil to lost innocence. The “On A Roll” magazine strategically placed, yet barely any toilet paper, the bucket under the sink pipe, and that towel as if anyone is actually washing their hands here? José Luis! Your shitter is supposed to be your greatest ally in this life! How can he treat his bathroom in this way, with impunity? Did the shitter itself spraypaint that graffiti because I’m starting to think when Marissa sang “She’s Broken, He’s OK” she was talking about THIS shitter and JOSE LUIS! The things monsters do to the ones that care about them the most! José Luis deserves everything that’s coming to him!
This shitter with icky chipped wood wainscoting and cleaning supplies scattered about is from The Evil Within 2. You’d think this is just a janitor’s haunt in some drippy basement but did you know this is a Dream Shitter conjured up by an AI?? This was submitted by bucket brigadier ILikeSocks, who says this:
“Game isn’t terrible and the settings are kinda cool in a weird dreamscape kinda way, it’s just got that B Movie acting. This shitter is in a machine that connects human consciousnesses together. The “core brain” went missing in the system so now everything’s corrupted and fucky. It’s kinda like a matrix sim, made to look and feel real so I’m guessing that’s why there’s shitters. The obviously-evil org wants to use this computer/sim technology to control the world/reality somehow. A SHITTERLESS REALITY. Anyway the guy’s daughter Lily, who he thought was dead, her consciousness is being used as the core so that’s why they send him in. That’s the gist. Go looking for daughter, shitter scavenger hunt instead.”
Do you love this alt-textured, expertly-clipped, HIGH ART shitter? This one was submitted by Bucket Brigadier Omni and it was created by someone he knows named The Fashionista Cineon. The mood in this bathroom is everything. The rainbow prism suncatcher, scattering beauty across the walls and floor. The air-scrubbing, friendly plants hanging in the sun that simply pours in through the windows. That Hollywood-grade vanity sparks joy with its clutter-free surface, lit from above by a gentle green Fae lamp! And the tile is actually my favorite flooring in the game. This bathroom is giving me face, body and face!
Let’s talk about the shitter itself, which I believe is an Alpine chair with some kind of pedestal clipped into it. So exceptional. There aren’t any actual shitters in Final Fantasy XIV, which is kind of strange, given Japan’s notoriously positive Toilet Culture. So it’s up to intrepid designers like Cineon to craft them from the raw materials they find in the wild. Well done, Fashionista!
I hope you like the design of this collage, brought to us by Bucket Brigadier Alec! These shitters come from three different locations in Fallout: New Vegas, with the following commentary: “The first one is from the Lucky 38’s Presidential Suite. The second one is from a casino, and everyone got murdered in the casino and that’s all I know about it. That last one is the Crimson Caravan Company.” I’m sorry, I just have to jump in here and ask how freaking presidential is that first shitter?? Am I right or am I right? YES, give me all the slate-gray, high-traffic, low-pile, airport-quality, wall-to-wall CARPET in my bathroom, Mr. President!
Thank you for your submission Alec! Every submission represents a donation to the 2021 World Toilet Day!.
Did you know that shitters can actually produce reality-bending effects on the mind?? This postulate is certainly implied by what we see here. These shitters are from The Sims and you can see the effects of the shitters’ psychedelic, strange auras on the very impressionable AIs. In the first place, we see a Happy Child - now, she could be happy because of the beautiful shitter, or is she happy because of the Neighborhood Brawl? Second observe, the Very Sad Woman - Why is she sad? The shitter is different, but the Neighborhood Brawl is the same. So, her warped mindset must be owed to the otherworldly aura of the shitter! Lastly, we see the maddening effect that multiple types of shitters have on the little people, as the third woman paces, gesticulates, and mutters to herself. This is likely due to the dramatic variations in shitters present! The power of the shitter is something we truly have yet begun to unravel.
These shitters were presented by Bucket Brigadier Emrysin!
Pristine. Gorgeous. Unblemished by viscera. These are the terms which percolate into my mind’s eye as I gaze up on this veritable buddha of a shitter, present in the horror survival game Alien: Isolation! I’m just imagining the telltale clacking of Xenomorph claws and tail whippin’ around in this cubicle as you scramble to wriggle out of Death’s way. This is definitely a pre-death cubicle. Good thing the surface is so easy to wipe clean. So, no door? Or that door is held open by the helpful “slippery surface” board (as in, Caution: Slipping hazard is the worst of your worries in this area, trust me!). This image has been gifted unto our eyeballs by the prolific Bucket Brigadier ILikeSocks, who adds the following:
“I had to crop the image like crazy. This is right at the start on the space truck while you’re walking around in your underwear (they’re stylish). You’re Ripley’s daughter Amanda, who’s going to a station that has the Nostromo flight recorder. There’s a xenomorph onboard the station and everything’s already fallen apart when you get there. It’s pretty good so far. It actually has pacing and atmosphere, unlike 90% of other horror games. I haven’t found ol’ penis-head yet, but it’s gotten me to jump a few times.”
Well, at least you have this, which looks to be the perfect place to shit yourself as you fruitlessly beg your indifferent Overgod to see fit to spare your wittle life. Do you think the Xenomorph is religious enough to be truly thankful as it makes you its meal?
From the Shitters of Fear anthology, our Bucket Brigadier ILikeSocks shares this gorgeous outhouse from Resident Evil: Village. Bravely reporting live from a super frightening place, and getting us all in the mood for Halloween, Socks says “I had to crop the RE8 ones like crazy to get them to send.” We all make concessions, why I myself had to ruin the mood on the second image rollover by turning the brightness all the way tf up because couldn’t see a god damn thing. Turns out light levels play a major role in scary-ness, because this potty is actually quite nice. I mean, it’s brick, and brick is ick, if we’re being honest, but overall, it’s a solid shitter. Such architecture could probably withstand a hurricane, so definitely a place I would hide from zombies and ghosts. Watch out, or the Babadookie will get you!
What’s sad, Brigade? I mean what’s really, really sad. How about a family of Redguards dying at the hands of eyeless, cannibal ghouls in an icy prison at the edge of the world? If that was your guess, go ahead and pat yourself on the back because baby, you earned it.
Yes, I’m playing Skyrim again. Why? Because I feel like it, okay! And also, I realized that Elder Scrolls VI is coming out pretty “soon” and I haven’t gotten all the achievements yet on the Legendary edition. So here we are. But it’s a good thing, because BEHOLD! Frostflow Lighthouse has a couple of chamber pots in the living quarters. When you stumble onto this scene of carnage in the middle of the frosty armpit of the world, it’s very messy, and there’s locked doors and mysterious mystery. Fortunately, they left behind a lot of diaries and notes that really spell it out for you. Ramati and Habd bought this lighthouse for their family home, and although their children hated it and one was even fixing to run away, they tried to make a life here. But then that life was met by terrible Death! Who could have done this? And what is the strange clicking sound coming from the basement? Speaking of which, if you want to get into said basement you will need to find the key, hidden in “Mother’s Favorite Keepsake.” Happens to be a burial urn. Fuck’s sake, Ma.
After stepping ginglerly over cracked femurs and shimmying down a thrilling ice chute slip-n-slide, locating the party responsible, and destroying it, you get a chance to recover Habd’s remains and do the decent thing by giving him a proper burial. In return, you’ll receive a nice buff to your Restoration skills.
Remnant: From the Ashes is a co-op survival game with shitters! Check out this contribution from Bucket Brigadier Emrysin:
“These are actually two different toilets. The glowing thing is a healing potion; it’s called bloodwort, and it’s inside of the toilet. As we were exploring the DLC, I saw this abandoned farmhouse and I thought, ‘I wonder if there’s a toilet.’ So I asked Alec, ‘Have you seen a toilet,’ and he said, ‘What do you mean, I was JUST in the bathroom.’ There was an event that happened right outside the farmhouse, it was called Survive the Swarm. After surviving the swarm of corruption, I found time to relax in this restroom.”
Incredible reporting from this Brigadier. And welcome to the newest member of the Bucket Brigade, Alec! Not sure how I feel about HP potions inside toilets, but I guess you have to do whatever it takes to survive! I had to turn up the brightness on these screenshots because this is one dank farmhouse but I’m enjoying the wallpaper, the handicap-accessible doorframes, and the push-button flush mechanism on the shitters. Whenever I see one of these in a game, I think about that one anachronism from Fallout 76.
It’s fancy. And I’m not sure if that’s because it has a woodgrain toilet seat, or if it’s because of the goldtone flush handle, or maybe because it remains intact while the entire wall behind it has been annihilated. “DIY’d into a walk-through garden passway!” is what the MLS listing for this house would read. Granted, I haven’t seen the other shitters in this game (if any), so I don’t know how fancy it is compared to those. This shitter comes to us from bucket brigadier Emrysin and it’s from the game 7 Days to Die. According to our brigadier, you can’t use the toilet, it’s merely decorative. And maybe provides minimal cover for your bow and arrow when the time comes to defend your hovel against the legions of the undead, but I wouldn’t stake my life on it.
This game came out in 2016 and it’s still easily one of the best, most relaxing brain teasers available. As you may know, in the very first zone there’s an archway that presents as a puzzle and if you complete it, you get to see the game credits. It meanders and leads you to this alternate ending where you see one of the game creators waking up from a VR sleep, connected to a piss bottle. I sadly didn’t get a shot of the piss bottle (you’re welcome). This bloke wanders around eating cookies and stuff and he also shows you where the bathroom is. So this is the only shitter in The Witness. You don’t get to see the inside, he just stands there caressing the sigil and then moves on, but it deserves to be documented regardless. It’s here in this hallway, take a right after the Christmas Tree and it’s just before you get to the lovely, ornamental, backyard, urban zen garden.
Have you ever wondered where angels, Morpheus, and Elon Musk all prefer to spend their thinking time? It’s right here. Thank you to our Bucket Brigadier ILikeSocks for being the oracle of this porcelain messiah. From Control, this is the Astral Plane shitter! Get your reiki-charged moonwater enemas ready and make sure those amethyst crystals are up your butt, cos this is where you shit them out. Incredibly, there’s even a secret achievement associated with this shitter.
This shitter is a contender for the esteemed Blue Bowl of 2021.
Bucket Brigadier ILikeSocks has blessed our eyeballs with these gorgeous shitters! These are all from the game Control. First, we have an exceptional shiny metal specimen! Please note the bling bling reflections, the toxic waste, plus a magazine labeled CHICKEN. I really do like the “Sink Twice” model here, fully clad in modern AF stainless steel, and the sign here seems to indicate that yes, you can dump that toxic sludge you’ve been looking to dispose of down this very drain. Although it still has a ways to go to be fully environmentally-conscious, as there’s both TP and HP (Hand Paper) being dispensed in this room.
Second, this bank of shitters. You set forth on the noble quest to obtain mold spores called “Type B”, aka butt variety. From our brigadier: “I got a side quest that involves getting some mold samples, and one of them specifically says I gotta find it near toilets.” Quests involving shitters will always win my heart over, so I’ll go ahead and endorse this game I haven’t played yet. Gotta be a good one if it features shitters as NPCs.
This shitter is a contender for the esteemed Blue Bowl of 2021.
I wasn’t sure what to call this one because it’s just from a random map in Dead by Daylight. This rather tragic story is brought to us by bucket brigadier Emrysin who suffered horribly to get us this photograph. So at least try to stifle your horrified laughter as you take in this quite dramatic and heroic yarn:
“I said to my teammate, ‘We have to find the shitter.’ We ran by the house, I photographed the toilet, and I realize I should have made it more of a central focus of the photo, but as we are in the house I hear this noise and I think Oh whatever, it’s a noise, but then the killer found me. And I got the special kind of murder. In this match, the killer was The Hag and she - you can see her in the last photo - well, I’m bleeding out on the ground, and she has approached me and my teammate is there, and he is running away. As you can see. And you can see how I am being murdered. She sliced me and then she stuck her hand in and pulled out a thing and my teammate is there teabagging me before he runs away and this is what happened to me when I had to get that toilet. This is the fate that befell me.”
This one is part of the “Shitters of Fear” Anthology. From bucket brigadier ILikeSocks! I asked him if this doll was significant somehow to the plot? He says:
“Oh lol. It’s just a mannequin. You got captured by the cannibal mold people. It’s right after you escape the main house and reach the trailer to save before you move to the next area. There’s all this creepy shit throughout the house. Mannequins with barbed wire and babies wrapped in it hanging from the bridge.”
It’s this forced-fear shit that really makes you stop and think, Who is setting up this scene? Guys, we need more barbed wire and babies in here, or we’re not convincing anybody!
Dead by Daylight has only one Silent Hill map - it’s this one, and it has a shitter! This one is brought to us by bucket brigadier Emrysin. I know we have seen in the past where bathrooms make great squats for would-be killers and their ofttimes victims, but here’s a story that teaches us that shitters can be a bridge for community between these warring factions:
“First picture is obviously a solid shot of the toilet. Actually, this bathroom has a secret passage connected to it that goes from the upstairs to the downstairs portion of the bathroom. It has pipes and things, and the only way that you can get to it is if the killer breaks open the passageway. Well, sometimes you’ll encounter troll killers who are friendly and instead of killing you they fuck around with you, in a nice way. After NOT getting a troll killer for a long time, we happened to get one on this map; it was Ghost Face. In the first picture you’ll see this Ghost Face who is wearing an outfit with a red demon mask and is, in fact, not murdering us. Also apparently ugly sweaters are a thing and everyone insisted upon wearing their ugly sweater.
So this killer, we brought him to the bathroom. We were like, wash your hands, it’s important. We kept pointing at the sinks and he did a lot of crouching up and down, and I hid in a locker, and he ripped me out of the locker to carry me (as killers do). In the last photo, the bar at the top indicates the match is ending, and so we did a crouch dance for the killer. And he was very pleased.”
Submitted by bucket brigadier Emrysin! This is a secret clubhouse shitter. This cave, called the Whispering Depths, is hidden beneath a brew pub in a fucked-over/abandoned/ruined town which is now just called “Blighted Village”. Yes, once goblins get ahold of your town it just takes on this tainted moniker and you can forget about the picket fences and the bunting! This cavern is where a lot of spiders and desiccated corpses hang out, and they’ve been chilling here for a lot longer than the goblins. Trust. Turns out there’s a full-on Necromancer that’s been camping out in there as well, and this is where he would sometimes go to read and be alone. Similar to how a small child might claim a crawlspace, and maybe set up a beanbag, a tiny table, and some snacks and comics, the Necromancer has a little bunk here where he broods over his love of spiders, dark gemstones, and shadows. There are numerous diaries, lots of nondescript and dirty fabric, crumbling scrolls, unlabeled dusty bottles, and a SHITTER!!
Today’s shitter is brought to us by bucket brigadier Casper! This Wild West outhouse comes with quite the backstory. This is a legacy shitter, and the hero character’s name is JOHN! Destiny is calling. Gather ‘round the campfire, brigadiers, as Casper spins us the yarn of this remarkable loo:
“This may be the shitter I am most passionate about. Now, it doesnt look like much. But that crap shack and outhouse are what paved the way for the ultimate end of one of the greatest Western stories ever told. This is the MOST important crapper in the West, I’m telling you! There is SO much owed to this shitter, you have no idea. Let me educate you…
The land around this cabin, and that shit shack ahead of it, is the land of Beecher’s Hope. That shack and shitter were part of the previous landowner’s home, who as it turns out doesn’t need either anymore. With the help of two of his closest friends, John Marston (a future hero of the West) builds his family home all by hand. But the shitter is what kept those men comfortable while they built a legendary home. Sure, by the end they had a proper ‘modern toilet’, but where would those men have deposited the goods beforehand? The modern shitter might be more difficult to find. I’d have to swap consoles, hope it’s in that version. If it isn’t, then I’ll play the first game and get to the end just to see it.
There’s more. THAT SHITTER RIGHT THERE is why John’s family is taken, and why he ventures across the old Western America and even into Mexico. That shitter led to the downfall of what was left of the old gang and eventually gave John the land of his final resting place. This is the shitter of the American Dream. Because if that lonely shitter wasnt there, then John probably wouldn’t have build his family home. And the downfall of the gang is because they end up being the villains of the next game! There is FAR too much to say about this long-drop.”
Wow, this outhouse is like the architect of dreams and nightmares. And that Grim Reaper’s scythe leaning against the door? Savage. Get yourself right with Sanitation. Judgement Day is coming; the shitters shall decide.
This shitter is a contender for the esteemed Blue Bowl of 2021.
Submitted by bucket brigadier Clay! Here’s the story as we learned from Clay:
“Graham Grundy is some dead guy you find outside the mega city, and you take his u-chip (which is like his identity in a chip). You go to his house because you’re trying to find these missing kids, and he’s somehow connected. His wife is there already being interviewed by a guy from the Ministry of Wellbeing, he’s asking about her missing husband and then you pretend to BE him… Anyway you wander around his house trying to learn more about him while she is distracting the guy, and this is his bathroom! Where he hung his employee of the month pic, lol.”
I guess a lot of people do take selfies in the bathroom and you know that selfie is gonna be a banger when you get that Employee of the Month pic in the background of it. Graham Grundy knew what was up. Watching the likes roll in on his selfies with that booster floating in the bg. Get it, Graham.
If 2020 taught us anything, it’s that we have to work hard to build the world we want. As such, the Gaming Thrones Blue Bowl Committee (it’s me) has unanimously recognized this phenomenal shitter, hand-crafted by Final Fantasy XIV player Ashen Bride, as 2020’s first place winner!
Clever and introspective, charming in every way. This design is coating my eyeballs in “home-sweet-home” energy! The shitter itself is made of at least four different furniture pieces, masterfully clipped together. The utility of the room is modern and efficient, with a stacking washer-dryer combo, complete with upper cabinetry, and a tiled shower stall. But the details are what complete this award-worthy shitter: Wainscotting along the rear wall, an empty baguette basket as a wastepaper basket, the little shelf items, and plenty of “natural” lighting. So much careful consideration has gone into this fantastic design!
Let’s all be like Ashen Bride, and craft a beautiful world for ourselves and each other. Happy New Year! It’s going to take work, it is my ardent prayer that in 2021, we attain everything we yearn for: The security and comfort of a well-appointed, custom-decorated shitter!
This shitter was submitted to me by Bucket Brigadier Solo Espresso, so $5 will be donated by Gaming Thrones to the World Toilet Organization. Thank you for your submission, brigadier!
Here’s two shitters I found with our Bucket Brigadier of 2020, Azi! Look, there’s one for both of us.
I gotta say I don’t really understand these medieval shitters. If you take logic into consideration, they would likely be a seat atop an 8-foot-deep pit in the ground that gets covered up when it’s full. It’s gotta be used about 700 times a day, on the roadside like it is. If we’re honest, nobody is emptying this. So why did this township elect to place their shitter right here, 3 feet from the road? It really ought to be set further back from the main thoroughfare.
But anyway. This little blonde shit is named Pidge and he lives in the sad little town called Driftwood. Pidge for real just hangs out at the toilets and waits to talk to you about Ascension. I guess for a medieval child, there’s not a ton of fun to be had. He doesn’t even have a hoop to chase with a stick, and life is short and dark in Driftwood, so this is his calling in life. Damn, Divinity 2: Original Sin is tragic as fuck.
Brought to you by ヴァニーニャ from GameSpark, who says the following: “汚いトイレもありました!” I love the gritty atmosphere of this shitter. Very punk indeed, and mysterious! Where is this shitter? Is it in a slum? Or in a high-end, exclusive, jet-setting dance club? That tarp with the spray paint? Maybe it’s not a tarp at all. Maybe it’s an art piece, and it was expensive as shit.
This impeccable article on Polygon cannot be eclipsed, in either writing or explanation of what is happening in its video so I encourage you to check out the article, and watch the video! 2020 hit us all like a Roto-Rooter, and as a casualty of this entire year I have not played as many games as I would have liked. But others have played them. And it has helped me immeasurably that I can read about this on Polygon, instead of continuing on into the future like a dummy, without knowing that in Death Stranding, you CAN poop, you can ONLY poop in this one area, and that poop gets turned into grenades. Then he flips you off at the end of the video. What I like about this is that we start talking about how normal the function of pooping is. As Jack Sim stated at the 2020 World Toilet Summit, we always talk about what we are eating, but we never talk about what happens afterward. What happens afterward is we make scifi weapons!!
Please note: At no point in this video does Norman Reedus wash his hands. What in anti-Science HELL?
Bob Vila might say this three-story woodframe farmhouse has some excellent bones, because it’s still standing just fucking fine after all the bombing, raiding, and mutating occurring all around it since Shit Went Down. The squatters who claim this abode are incredibly verbally hostile, but they’re cool with you photographing the shitter. Just going to come out and say it… Caveman had better standards of cleanliness. And it’s bullshit to claim that in a world without Kroger, there’s no way to get your hands on some soap! Unless you want to end up like these guys, scrounging through the Libraries of Yesteryear for Soapmaking Lore, do yourself a favor and read up on making cleaning products from wood ash while the internet is still a thing.
While strolling around the township of Foundation, you’ll find these two basic-bitch wooden potty stalls. They’re identical, and even the toilet paper inside has been placed in the exact spot within each. But these no-nonsense shitters aren’t the only squats to spot here at Foundation. Within the underground part of the town, there’s this other rather gorgeous shitter, lit from above with the golden light of heaven a single bare bulb. The metal push-button toilet is very industrial-chic for sure, but here’s the awkward problem - according to US Patent #5291620A, this type of toilet wasn’t invented until 1993 - far outside the timeline in which the Fallout story takes place. It’s also not exactly functional because the lid doesn’t raise, but it’s a nice art piece.
Submitted by 2019 Bucket Brigadier of the Year, Khazya! Now here’s an example of “don’t judge a game by it’s initial lack of shitters,” brigade. I tried Destiny 2 a little over a year ago. After scouring the starter zone for any evidence of a shitter - and finding none - I decided No shitters? NO LOVE. But I was wrong, brigade.
This crapper can be found on Europa, behind a fully transparent surround, although there’s a cardboard privacy standee kind of propped up next to it. Tons of toilet paper. This is some loot right here. Also a very comfy bed! It does look like a bare mattress from here, but I saw it up close and it was a sleeping bag made from that reflective survival bedding that astronauts use. Not a bad spot to squat.
From bucket brigadier ThatOneCroatian, the busted, pink AF tiles of this Half-life: Alyx washroom match the pink alien ooze that covers the walls and floors. Decorating perfection is having the forethought to select tiling, fixtures, and even soap that coordinates with an infestation occurring possibly decades later.
Amazing! From bucket brigadier Casper, straight from Hitman: Blood Money. I’ll let our brigadier take it from here: “What you don’t see is the Secret Service outside the bathroom, VERY upset with my trespassing. This is actually the most difficulty I’ve had looking for a toilet!” THIS is the presidential shitter? This is a butler’s broom closet! Is there even a shower? “That was it unfortunately. It’s insulting, isn’t it? Haha.” What the fuck, brigade? Look at this shit. A tiny red carpet with gold trim. The back of the toilet is even gold. Honestly perfect, don’t change a thing. And a little piano bench or something? Is that what an Executive Manservant sits on while they wait for Freedom to poop? Are we going to let these developers get away with it, or are we going to write to our State Representatives and demand better representation of government shitters?
You don’t have to answer that. Back to Casper, who gains a significant edge in the race for 2020’s Brigadier of the Year with his contribution during election season! And he further promises, “If all goes well, you may have your choice of White House toilets.” What can it mean?? I’m so excited! Tune in to blast the lid off this mystery!
Can you believe that Seneca Gang has even MORE shitters on their (abandoned) property? I was on a second trip to the camp to visit the best of the gondola shitters, and I was completely bowled over to find they also have these sweet shitters that are not exactly shitters? They’re the shells of outhouses but have been repurposed into.. stuff…. Here’s one, it’s some kind of hideout, a looky-loo if you will, with a little chair for upon which a CREEPER may perch, perfect for an evil gnome. How would you like to round the corner and see that?
And this one! Sick, dude! I would expect nothing less from my boys the Seneca Gang. Here’s a shitter that’s – OH, SHIT! The switcheroo! It’s really a shot gun that will blast your ass, if you don’t watch your ass! But honestly, by now we all know to walk around these things with EXTREME caution.
A fun obstacle course reminiscent of one of those late-70s wooden playgrounds, Bloody Frank’s is a gross raider restaurant with a health code rating that would make Gordon Ramsay scream like a spinto soprano. It’s a teetering pile of splintered garbage, stapled together with walkways, stairs, and booby traps, all leading up to a princess parapet in the sky - and here’s the princess suite. An employee’s restroom where you’ll find collectable loot, like Dishwasher Steve’s note: A passive-aggressive, limp-dicked grievance, and the content is what you’ve come to expect from a disgruntled post-Apocalyptic chef. Yeah, he’s irritated with life, and has the urge to chop up his comrades for the next meal. How’d you ever guess?
Brought to you by bucket brigadier Omninut! This was the site upon which our brigadier met his painful death by getting his melon dome twisted all the way around. Is that the entrance to the Chamber of Secrets I see? Omninut’s commentary is as follows: “The hole that you see next to the shitters is in fact an escape route!” Be honest - would you use a shitter escape chute?
If you want to meet your new and intermittent best friend Beckett, you’ll have to make a stop at Rollins Labor Camp where he is imprisoned for mischief. Well, more specifically, he started dabbling in chems as part of his initiation into the Blood Eagles (sickguitarriff.wav) and got to thinking he could be boss. So they threw him in here and he wants YOU to get him out so he can go rescue his brother Frankie, who he abandoned in pursuit of his raider dreams (mutedsadtrombone.midi). Anyway, there’s his shitter! It’s legitimately a stock pot, which is huge, enormous and heavy and there’s actually a real bucket in the halway outside of his stall with some Abraxo in it, so I’m at a bit of a loss.
Full disclosure: I had actually taken a pic of this one myself, but my screenshot totally sucked so I found this excellent version on the guides website (referenced below). Admittedly, the guide was trying to highlight the quest item on the table there but you and I both know that we are here for the antiquated crap bucket.
High Judge Orivand shits in all his high-falutin glory in this friggin place - a crumbling fortress decked out in iron bars and coarse, red hempen banners. He has a very fancy bath, where he likes to scrubadub all under his judgmental fingernails and between his inquisitorial toes. That bucket next to the washtub? We all know what that is. The servant who brings the water isn’t leaving the water bucket there and there’s no water in this scene anyway so don’t even start with me. What you are looking at is the genuine article: A shit bucket from the Dark Ages!
So you’re on your way to sunny Fort Joy, a vacation destination of relaxation and recreation? Well fella, I hope for your sake that your ticket says The Merryweather, a steamship of unsurpassed luxury. With entertainment venues on every deck! Here’s the exclusive VIP cabin. Though your bunk is connected securely to the floor via direct contact, just close your eyes to experience virtual hammock-swaying action, thanks to the turbulent rolling of furious ocean waves. Water isn’t leaking in from the walls and ceiling, it’s actively freshening the air with a seasalt spray! The lumps in the corners are just lumps. Try not to think about them! Or touch them. Wave to your neighbor through the rusty rustic room-dividing privacy curtain! You have a shitter and he doesn’t. That’s what makes this bunk VIP. No in-transit food will be served. Bon voyage.
Submitted by bucket brigadier Casper! Can you believe this shit? This tiny-ass cramped little closet looking like it belongs in a RV is Captain America’s own throne? This humble bowl? Tell us about it, Casper:
*It’s inside his room on the Chimera. Well each Avenger has their own shitter, so there are tecnically 7 Avenger poopers. There is also a crew quarters, but I can’t get in there, so I have no idea how many are there. Each bathroom looks the exact same, haha.”
Well, there you have it, difficult as it might be to fathom that even the actor who plays Captain America would feel enthusiasm over the prospect. I’m including the second picture as proof because this is one lackluster little loo.
Today’s content dump is brought to you by bucket brigadier Azi!!
“The best part is it flushes when she gets off. So you cant be like, ‘Well, maybe she’s just sitting.’ God dammit I talked to her and she sat down again. Good luck Ankha.”
Submitted by bucket brigadier Azi! This non-interactable outhouse is located in the settlement of Dayspring. To see inside, our intrepid brigadier had to angle his camera all crazy-like. His report: “Since you asked, there are some shitters in New World. Extremely basic on the inside, I expect improvements before launch.” Inside the outhouse we can see there is a seat. That’s good! But, I consider the amount of care and attention in the design of a game’s shitters to be a reflection of the depth and detail you’ll get from the gaming experience in general, so improvements? I certainly fucking hope so! Can you hear the people cry out, Amazon Game Studios? They are saying, “Make Better Shitters!”
Submitted by Bucket Brigadier ThatOneCroatian! While on Safari, this is the first shitter we came across at the train yard, which is still in the informal tutorial section of Half-Life: Alyx. This VR game is incredible even from a spectator’s POV. There’s tons of things to interact with, including glass bottles of beer that you can really shake, watch foam up, and break into a fizzy mess. Our bucket brigadier reports that he could hear the flies buzzing inside this potty. On the ground outside, we see a bucket, which I of course appreciate a great deal.
There’s plenty of guts and slimy things in this game but I was intrigued to learn that a distinct boundary was drawn here, in terms of the icky and nasty. The rat, in the second slide, was lowered into the potty to demonstrate physics. We learned that the reflective surface of the inside of the potty chamber is actually flat and solid, so there’s no water in there.
The long and rambling chain quest, Thicker Than Water, will take you deep into the bowels of the Watoga Underground where you’ll help Beckett work things out with his estranged brother Frankie. This is the men’s and the women’s rooms found in the Underground. Though basic in appearance, they sit like two sphinx guardians, flanking a hallway that leads down, down, down into the discovery of the terrible truth of what happened to Frankie! Did your naive mind think Frankie got hazed into serving The Claw (a shadowy leader of the raiding band the Blood Eagles)? Get ready for your eyes to pop right out of your skull when you learn that Frankie IS The Claw! How did it all go so wrong? Well, I’ll tell you one thing, it has a lot to do with Frankie’s childhood. Yeesh. I mean, Jesus, dude. When I opened the door to Frankie’s “shrine to my toddler years,” which is of course a time of blissful innocence that each of us remember with remarkable clarity, I discreetly snapped a screenshot and then quickly shut that shit back up.
And I gained a lot from this ordeal. Yeah, Beckett and I bonded tons during this very long quest. We laughed, we cringed, we never spoke of it again.
These wooden outhouses are a key component in the Divinity 2: Original Sin quest called Aggressive Takeover. The ghost of the dude who gets murdered in this quest, Liam, tells you outright the name of his killer - It’s some guy named Garvan who is at a tavern in Driftwood. So when you decide, ‘Yeah, it’s my place to deliver the hammer of justice,’ you head to the Driftwood Tavern and somehow convince this man to eat Tainted Meat. When he inevitably gets sick, you slay him out back by the toilets. Really, the meat alone should have killed him, but I don’t make the rules.
Aside from the Tainted Meat, some other things don’t sit quite right about this quest. For instance, Ghost Liam needs “proof” that you killed Garvan. Don’t ghosts normally just know when they’ve been avenged? And I’m not sure how I feel about the toilets being a part of the revenge plot, because who the hell is Liam? I mean, a shitter as a quest object is always awesome, but was Liam some kind of saint? All we really know is he was a tradesperson. And by the way, when you find his dead body, the method by which you commune with his spirit is having an elf in your group eat his leg. That is just so bonkers to me.
I could be wrong, but I think this was recently added! Because I have been hunting these shitters, let me tell you, and I did not see you here before, Gauley Mine outhouse! Look at the goodies inside. The colors are all fucky because it was night time when I found this, but I wasn’t going to hang around til morning because this place is crawling with icky bugs and crispy zombies. The exterior’s decoration - a crate of explosives - is a saucy wink enticing you to take a peek inside. And inside, there’s gangly little teddy bears, clumps of matted, fallen leaves and part of a butter churn: An addition that is both disgusting, and at the same time so very interesting. Thumbs up to this shitter.
Greetings from scenic Taiga! When you first enter this zone, there’s a whole kerfuffle as you’re ambushed by a forest tribe, and then rescued from drowning by a beautiful forest warrior. When you finally stagger to your feet, you’re outside a tumbledown farmhouse. And right there, this gorgeous, rustic shitter is waiting for you; its door open wide, without words it seems to ask, “Are you okay?” There’s even a heart on the door! A great omen right at the start of this zone.
This one is hard to look at, brigade. So if you have a heart beating inside your chest it is gonna ache when you get a load of this shit.
In the Caspian Sea segment of Metro: Exodus you’ll have to crawl through a sewer, and within the caverns you’ll find a truly terrible sight. Some group associated with The Baron keeps slaves down here. There are vicious dogs, cages for animals and people alike, cardboard sleeping mats, and just all around heartbreaking shit. It’s hard to look at, but note how the slaves have to sleep right next to the shitters. No one should have to live like this. The Baron and his evil crew truly have no humanity, and deserve everything they get. I came back through here after my no-kill run and cracked their skulls like watermelons!
Submitted by bucket brigadier fabronaut, who contributes the following:
“Hey, look! A shitter! Been so long since I played a game with anything like that. Mass Effect Andromeda, on board the ship – I already forget the name of it. The Tempest? Haven’t played any single player games in aaaaaaaaaages hence finally seeing a can I can take a snap of!
Brothers: A Tale of Two Sons is a single-player game in which the the single player (you) controls two player characters (older brother and younger brother) at the same time, or separately, with different areas of the keyboard or controller. It’s a bit challenging and different, and the gameplay and obstacles are reminiscent of LoZ: Twilight Princess, which I love. I’ve only played a couple of hours so far, but already very early on in the game before the boys even leave their hometown, I found an interactive shitter. When I saw the structure, I had only mere hopes (from the outside, it could even be a garden shed). To my delight, I discovered that not only is it in fact an outhouse, but you get two interactions here, which makes this a blue ribbon shitter, even if you can’t open the door. In the first interaction, the big brother leans toward the structure, quickly realizes it stinks, and waves his hand while making a mournful sound. In the second interaction, the little brother pounds on the door and laughs, causing the occupant to holler.
If you play through the Wastelanders quest line, you’ll find a ghoul scientist down here in the Hornwright Saferoom testing the programs of the Motherlode (a high-powered AI deep drill that shits out chunks of metal ore). The scientist, Penelope Hornwright, was once the top graduate at Vault-Tec University. Now that she’s a ghoul, she has tons of time to pursue her passion for technology, and do sciency things in the deeper crevices of the wasteland. This portion of the zone showcases her powder room, reminiscent of the shitter at Agatha’s house from Fallout 3. If Penelope herself wasn’t in the room as you explore it, you’d still know right away that this is lady’s crapper. It’s remarkable that this area, which exists only for the player to have a conversation with Penelope, has enough aesthetic presence to house a shitter. It rests on a raised platform, with privacy screens practically growing out of the base, causing one to ask from whom does Penelope seek privacy? It wasn’t exactly easy to get here. Gaining the access keycard to this room took me a little minute, and by that I mean hours, and veritable bandoliers of ammo, so when I saw this elegant shit I realized I was sharing company with a real mademoiselle.
Here we see the skeleton of Drokt, a self-described simple man who chose to die rather than give up solving a Dwemer puzzle. He leaves behind a diary entry that details the trouble he encounters with the contraption. He may not have had the extreme intelligence of the Dovahkiin (from right to left, you just keep pressing each button until it won’t go anymore and the puzzle will unlock), but at least he had a shitter.
Submitted by bucket brigadier ThatOneCroatian! We went on shitter safari together where he showed me how Payday 2 has shitters like these. I can’t seem to correctly recall exactly what this place was because at the time there was a lot going on (explosions, flash grenades, tons of people in masks, darkness, neon lights) but I think this is either the interior of a club, or a bowling alley. Something like that. Payday 2’s shitters are cheerful and energetic, with lots of graffiti and textural details, like this reptile-themed condom dispenser.
This is a shitter that you (the main dude, Henry) may find while exploring the castle in Rattay. It’s pretty great, right? I’d wager the lid (when actually in use) keeps things like bats and sparrows from coming into the castle, but you know what else would help? A door.
You’ll find this shitter on your way to a meeting with Sirs Hanush and Radzig. Here’s a still frame of a cutscene from that meeting. Fun fact: One of the quests in this town is finding shit-shoveling jobs for the displaced survivors of the Skalitz massacre.
The personal shitter of Baron Sebastian vom Berg! This one, in a private bedchamber and NOT a public hallway, has a door! It also has a bucket. In my experience, a bucket of this time period placed thusly is a sufficient shitter, but this monastery bedroom gets a little of both.
Every now and then a game redeems itself with some top notch shitters. Say what you will about nearly everything having to do with Fallout 76, but the shitter safaris almost always bring home a trophy.
Here’s the men’s and women’s restrooms at The Rusty Pick, an odd little shoppe where you can exchange scrips for legendary items. The women’s room is completely blocked off as storage for arcade cabinets, because we know what a barrel of fun it is to be a chick during the apocalypse. It looks like the the shopkeeper (a molewoman?) has designated this as an employees-only lavatory. The men’s room is where all the action happens. I guess this is how molepeople think humans live. Mole Girl has collected dressmaker’s ephemera and nailed it along the walls for that “huh?” element. With two stalls conveniently separated by the unparalleled privacy of chainlink fencing, there is also a bank of urinals, and a tinker’s bench, in case you want to touch things and do fine craftwork while you’re in there. At least there are sinks.
Something you learn right away when playing the Outer Worlds is that in this universe, the wrong people always get locked up. And this is just one of the places where innocent people are held for bad reasons - the Edgewater Constabulary! That one doing paperwork has decent intentions I suppose, but watch how it absolutely blows her mind when you don’t immediately rat on the guy who saved your life in the first 3 minutes of the game, the “notorious criminal” Phineas Welles.
Wonderful example of a classic prison shitter. The spot where ya crap is in full view of the front door to the Constabulary, and the “public shower” flooring, somehow coated in standing water though the cell remains empty, only adds to the total fucking bummer this place is.
The Emerald Vale Community Center is very fucked. It’s supposed to be considered abandoned, yet you can see here there’s tons of unclaimed settler bodies, and the surrounding grounds are swarming with Marauders and gross killer insectoids. A quest to find some kind of manual or comic book (maybe a combination of the two) sends you to this location, but as I have demonstrated, the only real reason to come here is Shitter Safari tourism. A bank of toilets with minimal privacy, but dignity is on the back burner at most places in this universe.
In the future, when there’s no more society, nor indoor heat, and everything sucks, you’re gonna want to set up your junkyard commune in a way that really feels like home. The assholes at Crimson Prospect boast a certain Raider ingenuity with the variety of their shitters. They’ve got the traditional green sentinal, but it’s juxtaposed against an open-roof cousin with a concrete and repurposed wood palette surround. There’s something to be said about the exposed, vulnerable charm of this outhouse. It looks great, and I imagine it feels great too: Whether you’re watching cloud formations in the blistering heat of ambient irradiated fog, or getting pelted by irradiated rain, or contemplating nature while being attacked by mutated, irradiated flying insects.
Submitted by bucket brigadier ILikeSocks! There is so much shit going on in this picture, it doesn’t even need a rollover. Our brigadier says this about his experience:
“This is from the Borderlands 3 DLC, Love Guns & Tentacles. It’s about a gay Lovecraft wedding. This one is in the safe area. They all say “keep clear” and “blast zone”, etc. When you interact with the flusher, this tentacle pops up and throws ammo and stuff at you.
There’s some grubby toilet paper the color of pine ash. When asked if the shitter has a sink, ILikeSocks stated, “Yes; it’s a haunted mirror, with a spooky face.” This is more of an ornament or museum piece, than a shitter one would actually use. The ‘tentacle’ is great. And by great I mean really gross, sorry. If we’re being real, we can admit what we are looking at here, and I’m going to say no thanks.
Submitted by Bucket Brigadier Azi! He shares the following:
“I’m decorating a bathroom in my house. I have a magic/technologically-advanced shitter that opens the lid as you approach. Eating fruit fills an energy meter that lets you dig up trees or smash rocks; you can use a toilet to remove that in case you don’t want to break stuff.”
Welcome, Brigade, to the Age of Reason. No longer is the video game bathroom merely an aesthetic. Animal Crossing includes an interactive shitting mechanic that influences your player actions. I know 2020 has fucked the world sideways but at least we have this. And the use of the sink in the video? I commend you, Azi the Bucket Brigadier we need and deserve. An example to all.
Note the three different shitters here. The classic bucket, the classic throne, and the FutureThrone. As to why there is no toilet paper, Azi writes, “It hasnt been in my shop. Very typical. The ingame store only sells a handful of random items each day.” I’ll let this one slide.
Submitted by Bucket Brigadier Goobens, who was bestowed a sprinkle of mercy from an unknown and all-powerful entity in clouds:
“Sorry for the potato quality. So my girlfriend found a present - attached to a balloon - flying in the sky, and shot it down with her slingshot; She opened it up, expecting some kind of rare item, but was met instead with the face of a porcelain god. She huffed, and immediately shoved it in her house, so I decided to shit in it. And here we are.”
The Stanley Parable, free to download from Epic Games, is not so much a parable as a somewhat irritating quandary. The player quickly beats the game by following the directions of the narrator, and then replays the game via unending loop in a quest to somehow find a purpose to the game itself. The Stanley Parable receives an automatic passing grade for the inclusion of an Executive Bathroom located in the boss’s top floor office, but this one is in the upper eschelon of video game shitters. It’s very meta, featuring philosophical wall scrawlings, and it has its own ego, in the form of an self-absorbed tabloid on the side table. This shitter has self-actualized. It has attained a level of enlightenment heretofore unheard-of. It is a cleric, possibly a high priest among shitters.
This shitter is a contender for the esteemed Blue Bowl of 2020.
So dedicated am I, dear Brigade, to bringing you the ultimate gaming restroom experience that I paused halfway through this deathdrap to bring you these shitters in the Spider Bunker! As relieved as I was to find these, I have to admit I was shitting myself as I tried to capture some memories while avoiding attacks from oversized, photophobic spiders and scorpions. I’m talking the size of Neapolitan Mastiffs. Apparently the tiny flashlight on my hat is enough to scare them away, and I made it out alive, but as you can see from my visor, I got fucked up in the process. I regret nothing!
Playing through the storyline of the main Metro: Exodus quest will bring you to this enemy camp in the Taiga territory. The highlight of the camp is definitely this bank of outhouses! Note how the two flanking structures are blocked off, showcasing a central, slightly raised shitter, which serves an additional purpose as a shrine to a JEM! looking rockstar lady. An accordion and book stashed inside implies this shitter is a place of inspiration and culture for the people who live here. After civilization collapses you’re not gonna have have a mobile phone to bring with you to the crapper, but an accordion is so much cooler.
Here on the science station, we call this a medical facility. Trevor J. Young was attacked by a terrible creature, and then the administration (of which I am party to, and ashamed by that fact) threw him in this shithole here because they didn’t know how to handle it. Actually quite appalling and another reason why Talos I is a human rights disaster area. Don’t worry about Trevor J. Young. He’s gonna be okay. I managed to save him after reloading my game like 3 times to make sure he didn’t end up dying in this awful place. He somehow managed to scrawl this office door password into the wall which is certainly convenient, thank you Trevor, but also, how the fuck did he do it. Like what did he use to pierce the walls like that. Anyway, the shitter is steadfast in nature, upright and maintaining its dignity, always there for you like a prison shitter should be. Yes, this is a prison, in spite of any spaceship clown doctor trying to tell you otherwise.
As I creeped around the Neuromod Division I came across a baracaded men’s room. By golly, I was determined to get inside and get a picture of that interior. But when I gained access to the restroom, I saw this peculiar scene. A murder! Whodunit? I’m going to get to the bottom of this. And it better not turn out to be that really hostile alien monster that we’ve been experimenting on for the last 8 months and which has currently taken over the entire space station.
The shitters were unharmed in this scene of wanton terror.
This is at an unmarked location east of Evergreen Mills. But, we’ll call it the First Iconoclast Church of the Badlands shitter. Pretty nice actual throne, a sink, and a partition in tact enough for you to pretend you have some privacy. Of course, raiders seem to just regularly crash here, as evidenced by this team of jackoffs, who rolled up just as I was taking this picture. Check out the human corpse strung up over a burn barrel. We get it guys, you’re hardcore. Don’t mess with the Church Mice!
During the trek across Irradiated Russia, your steam engine, The Aurora, starts to get a little crowded because of all the weirdos, loners and vagabonds you keep picking up. Thankfully, the gang meets a really nice mechanic, who isn’t even a mutant freak. As if that’s not miracle enough, he says there’s a sleeper car somewhere in the Volga territory. If you drive it back to the engine, he can even install it for you. Great.
Even better, it has a shitter. The colors are fucky because it was dark as all hell in there, but the hover image shows it with nightvision. When you first find the car, you have to eliminate all the guys who are abusing the shit out of it. They’re not taking care of the place, they’re really just squatting. As you can see, the facilities in this train car are in a sorry state. Don’t worry about the guy on the ground. He’s completely fine.
Once you triumphantly return with the train car, everyone works together to shine it up like a Hyrule powergem and look at the results! Glimmering chrome and a floor cleared of detritus! There’s also no bodies. I don’t know where he went, but I didn’t kill anyone during this playthrough, so maybe we simply dumped him out the back door. Who cares if the toilet paper on the wall-mounted dispenser is in the exact configuration in both the before and after? There’s a signed biker chick calender on the wall now, and you really can’t beat that, so please cut the crap and enjoy this beautiful bathroom, hero!
When bucket brigadier Solo Espresso told me he was playing Borderlands 3, the first question I asked was, of course, ‘Does it have shitters.’ This was his response. His commentary on these outhouses:
“It’s a place outside the starting zone. After the intro stuff, you get this. Kind of a mini-junkyard, but it isn’t. Second picture is same place as previous one, just a second one.
That silver beam of light looking like excalibur in the toilet is an ammo clip. The surrounding scrapheap makes for quite the dismal dump, but my say something nice is the colorful bunting is cheerful at best. Better than nothing, but still, it would bum me out to have to use this.
I guess to sidestep the inevitable inquiry of who maintains these shitters, the designers popped what looks like a vacuum cleaner onto the side of them so you get the impression they are some kind of automated composting toilet. That effort is admirable, but I still have questions. As far as I can tell, there’s no lore in the game that states what happens to the compost after it is processed. Does it just go into the ground? In what way does this impact the land? Is there a monster somewhere deep beneath the planet’s crust who is angered by the intrusion of the compost? I get the feeling the designers don’t want you to think too much about it. It’s just a crapper, so move on, gamer. Well, I think about these things!
Each year, the illustrious committee of experts at Gaming Thones, consisting of myself, likes to give a nod where it’s due to the best of the bowls. There were a lot of great potentials this year, but the clear winner for 2019 is the train depot shitter from Metro: Exodus. I’ll tell you what makes this shitter so outstanding:
It’s dreadful. Look at this fucking thing. Metro: Exodus is in the horror genre, and this shitter itself is a nightmare. There is no seat. It’s a metal basin that was probably originally intended for a urinal, with a concrete surround. It’s almost completely exposed to the elements, including radioactive snow that is currently falling right onto it.
It’s not clear where the thing drains to. Does it just empty out directly underneath the basin? Why would anyone use this? And clearly people do. Because there are several books and someone even left the lights on, implying they plan to return.
Metro: Exodus shows us the current demand for shitters is relevant. The game came out this year, and the presence of shitters of this design quality indicates not only that video game shitters are no passing trend, but that in time they may only improve.
Our second place winner is this prison shitter from Dishonored 2. As you know, I love me a good prison shitter. The tiny bucket in the corner is, for me, a joy to behold. That bucket says, “I know this is the last place on Earth you ever want to end up, and it’s probably the last place you’ll ever be. But I want you to know, I’m here for you.” When the going gets rough, a prison shitter is the one friend who will stay by your side, also because you aren’t allowed any contact with the outside world. You better appreciate a prison shitter. A terrific note on which we finish off 2019 - In gratitude, we thank our shitters, which provide comfort in even these terrible places.
This solitary toilet can be found cowering from abuse and disrepair at the vast bunker at Mt. Yamantau. The rollover image shows the exquisite detail afforded by the miracle of nightvision goggles! This is the only shitter on the level that I had access to, but I have to believe there are others in the unexplored areas. In addition to the grunts, this bunker was supposed to boast heads of state and the finest military minds, and I can’t believe they’d all be shitting together in harmony.
The Yamantau Cannibal Troupe are truly evil creatures. It’s terrible what they did to this room. That urinal doubles as a deadly weapon. If the cave troll from Moria came after you, you could actually use this urinal to defend yourself against it. I’d really love to know why I keep having to ask ‘where is the sink’, and I would vastly prefer if the alternative was our customary standard of sanitation. I cannot stress this enough: The bathroom is the staging ground for a multi-step process, and one of those steps is washing your god damn hands when you’re through!
At this point, I have to pause, because question marks have started percolating around my ears. In Metro: Exodus, the elevated cistern flushable toilet boasts significant popularity all across Russia, and it shows up in a lot of my screenshots. The design dates back to the era of Queen Elizabeth I (c. 1592). It’s certainly a conversation piece, and though some (who?) might deem it elegant, the presence of this ancient machine here at the Yamantau Bunker poses several issues. First, the issue of materials efficiency. If this thing breaks, where’s anyone going to find the obsolete valves and gaskets it needs? And actually maybe that’s why it looks this way, because there is actually no way to fix it. Second, there was extensive bombing in this region in the decades prior to our groups arrival (in fact, we passed a city-sized crater right before the main entrance came into view). The heaving of the ground, along with tremors, would have caused this tank to topple and smash, so it’s just not practical. Perhaps the entire machine was salvaged and installed by a scouting team after the bombing ceased, but I find that to be the most unlikely possibility of all. They would have had to find this object somewhere in Russia, but it probably wouldn’t have even been in a museum because by the time most households in the region had indoor plumbing the design had changed. These anachronisms have me wondering if Artyom snorted a little too much of that blue-green mold, and now he’s got a case of the Fantasies.
Submitted by Bucket Brigadier Gunmetal! This is from the game Little Nightmares, in which the protagonist (a wee child) experiences the thrill of being a prisoner of the mind and running from their nightmares. Thank you for your sacrifice, Gunmetal. Though the graphics for Little Nightmares are genuinely innovative and quite beautifully drawn, I could never play this. Describing the scene for us, a dining hall on a cruise ship called The Moor, Gunmetal says the following:
“In this level there are these two creepy ugly chef guys that you keep having to hide and run from, my only guess is that they shit in tandem with each other.”
During my independent research, I observed the following: One, during some parts of the game, the chefs are attached to each other in much the same way as this toilet, and it’s very interesting that the game reserves for them a custom shitter. Commendable accomodations for the differently-abled.
Second, the level starts with the following description: “The Twin Chefs sense something that makes their skin itch. A dirty, unwelcome presence. Vermin will not be tolerated in the kitchen.” Of course, they’re referring to the player. Oh really? Do you see the state of this bathroom, wherein both chefs have left toilet paper rolls on the floor next to the crappers. The filthy assholes. Calling me a vermin? That really gets me fucking steamed. They also leave soap suds pooling on the floor around the overloaded washing unit, which will almost certainly cause a slip-and-fall accident, but maybe they figure they’ll get their hands clean in the dishwater because this bathroom doesn’t even have a sink! And no one is bussing the tables that continually pile higher and higher with dishes. The mood of gluttony is reminiscent of the transformation scene at the beginning of Spirited Away, and though I don’t believe that movie features even one solitary shitter, I can probably guarantee you the restrooms at Yubaba’s Bathhouse are in a higher eschelon of cleanliness than what we see here. Let me just change that health inspection grade of C to an F because this place is a fucking tip.
While still in the beginning of the game, at some point Anna (the protagonist’s wife) gets kidnapped by a group called Hansa. I kinda fought back, and maybe might have been shot and left for dead in a culvert. But, I found a medkit on a corpse, dusted it off, patched meself up good as new, and broke in to where Hansa was keeping Anna - A train depot, with tons of armed guards. God damn it, Anna, I loves ya, but you’re really a lot of work.
Upon rescuing Anna, a stealth mission begins, and you can’t even save during it, so it’s a great challenge. I found this shitter near the beginning of the level, so it’s almost like they give you the reward before you do the mission. This is a Минстрой-approved sanitation device, with a proper seat. It doesn’t even look cobbled together. This is some pre-war shit! Even if it doesn’t have a door, it is still somewhat sheltered from the elements due to the surrounding crates and concrete slabs. The candle and reading materials give it a reminiscent wink of comfort. I’m sure that book is left open because it’s impossible to fumble with the pages in subzero temperatures.
This shitter is a contender for the esteemed Blue Bowl of 2019.
Metro: Exodus is a post-apocalyptic, open-world stealth FPS, with shitters. For me, that is the golden ratio. It is like receiving a card in the mail full of hundreds. Set in Russia, this game was released in the early part of 2019, but I’m just getting around to it now, and boy howdy, this game is a goldmine of shitters.
Here are two shitters you find when you visit the Church of the Fanatics. It’s right as you first enter the Volga territory. Led by Father Silantius, the congregation first welcomes you by clanging a bell, waving enthusiastically, and cheering at you. “Come on in my brother, and receive our blessings!” So you know right away things are about to get freaky. Say what you will about homicidal psychotics, but these folks are OK in my book because look at these shitters. I’m the non-lethal type anyway when it comes to these games, so it worked out.
First time you find a shitter at the Fanatics church, it’s in the belfry. This one belongs to Katya and her daughter, civilians who warn you about the Fanatics hostile intentions. A simple bucket, tucked into an alcove, with a curtain for privacy. прекрасный!
The second shitter is downstairs in the main area of the church. It’s a proper bench-style, with a little candle, some books, and a sink outside for washing up after. In terms of post-apocalyptic sanitation, this is true luxury. I would say this is the высший shitter, and the amentities here are almost enough to make you wanna join the Fanatics! I chose non-lethal takedown of everyone present, but I’m thinking of coming back some day and settling down here. This is a four-bedroom, two-bath lakefront property with no mortgage, filled to the gills with glass jars of weird preserved carrots and stuff. дом, милый дом наконец!
As 2019 draws to a close, let’s take a look at some of the Dishonored 2 shitters that are awesome just for existing, but maybe not awesome enough to warrant their own article.
First we have the Dust District’s Black Market shitter! The fanciest black market in the whole game, it has its very own shitter. The “I’m trying so hard to make it through this life” vibe is strong in this bathroom. The merchant’s clothing is laid out for the next day, or perhaps a night on the town? So you know that despair hasn’t fully sunk in yet. The towels are almost black with filth, yet neatly folded. I admire your spirit, black market vendor (who I totally choked out and robbed).
Next, we have the Karnaca Enclave Guardhouse shitter! It’s definitely a closet, and from the looks of it, that carpetting was installed in the time of Emperor Euhorn. Yeesh.
Additionally, take a gander at the Dockyard Quarter shitter, found during the Addermire Institute mission. Astoundingly clean and organized, albeit tarnished slightly by some NPC’s endless complaining.
The last one for this roundup is the shitter in Lucia Pastor’s mother’s apartment. Full disclosure: I don’t know if this is actually her mother’s apartment, or Lucia’s own apartment that she moved out of. I only know I found a letter in there addressed to the mother, so either Lucia lived here and never sent it, or the mother lived here and so that’s where she received it. Check out the mood candles. Very swanky.
The “pork” factory on Monarch is run by a piece of shit cannibal named Clive Lumbergh. The top thug at SubLight wants to seize the factory, so she ordered me to fuck his assembly line all the way up and drive him out of business. I was given a few options: One was to poison the animals, but since they have a hard enough time as it is, I tried to show some compassion and left them alone. Another way was to enter new parameters into the security robot subroutines, causing them to kill all the human workers - I didn’t see the point in that either. But another option was to just sneak into his office and forge some of his tax records. Because in The Outer Worlds, it’s much worse to be a tax evader than to grind your workers into sausage. On my way out, I was surprised and thrilled to find the factory has an employee bathroom, which, at the time, was in use by this dude. You can imagine how thrilled and surprised he was to see me.
Roseway Gardens was an Auntie Cleo’s operation located on Terra II. I say ‘was’, because as you can see, though it is surrounded by idyllic, volcanic farmland, at some point it all went tits-up when the compound suffered a terrible tragedy. And by terrible, I mean a breathtaking karmic rainbow stretched across the sky above Roseway, while a booming voice from the heavens sounded “You bastards deserved what you got.” The function of Roseway Gardens was the manufactory of beauty and home products. They accomplished this by experimenting on, and extracting the glandular secretions of, dinosauric reptiles. Yes, the creatures are mean, savage, and as big as a bus, but they are still entitled to their sanctity of life. And I’m not here to rescue animal mutilators from their shitty selves, so I took pictures and other evidence for the inevitable PETA tribunal.
Here’s another victim of Roseway’s corporate ugliness. This shitter was living its best life in selfless servitude on the Galactical Frontier. This shitter never harmed anyone! Now there’s windows where the wall once was, most of the ceiling is on the floor, and instead of a shitter it is now a shit hole. Fuck Auntie Cleo’s!
While I strolled around not helping anybody because I was so goddamn appalled, I found this recipe for a festive Holiday Hooch. 190 proof grain alcohol? These people don’t need my help. They’re going to solve their own problems.
You enter this building to loot petty goods via the balcony. At first, you might think there’s not too much purpose to being in this building, until you realize the thrill of sneaking past the chattering secretaries, who are poised like two basilisks, typing at their desks, just to take a picture of their shitter. I felt like I was in Smaug’s chamber, seeking the Arkenstone. This is just me, Corvo Baggins, hunting down the Arkenthrone.
Brought to you by honorary Bucket Brigadier Ashley! It is the dawn of a new era, Brigade. The porcelain ceiling is about to be smashed! Ashley’s mandragora toilet is a finalist in FFXIV’s furnishing design contest for 2019. The vision here is exceptional. A mandragora peeping at you when the lid is left up is the perfect reminder. I only hope the leaves on top have a sparkle effect, and hopefully, a flush sound. If this thing wins, FFXIV would finally boast, among the throngs of bookshelves and teapots, the most essential housing furnishing ever. What could be next? Think of the possibilities. Gerolt’s Forge shitter. Rowena’s Cultural Appropriation shitter. There even could be one for each Primal. A Shitter of Crags! Rngsus bless this designer. Best of luck for a win, Ashley. I want a fleet of these in my Free Company mansion.
The universe loves me, Brigade. The Outer Worlds came out on October 23, and one of the first quests in the starter town features a shitter. Meet Ludwig Miller! He hates robots, who have come to replace our jobs and our very lives. He wants to see them suffer before they’re destroyed, and the time to strike is now! All he needs is a key component to his plan, which he stashed in the safest spot he could think of: The latrine of the Spacer’s Choice Cantina. The last place a robot would ever look. Genius! This is a powerful life lesson for our modern age. Know anyone who never uses a toilet, or who doesn’t even think about toilets? They might be a robot.
Submitted by Bucket Brigadier ThatOneCroatian!
The collaborative puzzle-solving game We Were Here Together involves the use of voice chat to pass clues to a partner and interact with objects on separate map planes. But turns out, its even more than that. Because this game has shitters, my friends!
Look at this frozen shithole. This doorless portal to HELL is located at a spot called The Wall. How would you like to sit on that? It’s difficult to say for sure, but I’d call that a lethal drop. There’s an elevator puzzle on this level, and I know what you’re going to say, but no. The shitter itself is not part of this puzzle.
Submitted by Bucket Brigadier Khazya!
Durante was a man who came to be detained by the Grand Guard for suspicious activity. He did a number of odd yet significant jobs for the Howlers. One such task was kidnapping drunk people to exchange for Howlers hostages via Mr. Modotti, the local silvergrapher and liaison for Shindaerey Mining Company. In that sense, I would say Durante was a devil. But his other job was delivering food, water, and sundries to Aramis Stilton. That’s why he has the combination to Stilton’s front door. So, is he also the one who emptied Stilton’s chamber pot? That’s one conclusion, and for that reason I say this man was an angel.
Shitter Hero Durante was imprisoned in the basement of the Grand Guard’s Batista District outpost, in the most morally degrading conditions imaginable. Grim and bleak, this room is practically yodeling “You’re not coming out of here alive.” There are rats. There’s crumbling plaster walls. A CorningWare® basin to weep into. A gruesome, bare mattress to die on. An unadorned metal pail for your Last Business. And it might be the best prison shitter I have ever seen.
This shitter is a contender for the esteemed Blue Bowl of 2019.
Submitted by Bucket Brigadier Solo Espresso!
There’s some hidden secrets in the Jakobs Estate, including a golden bust of Lenin, and a secret door behind a bookcase! But you know what else is in this zone? A shitter.
I have questions. Is the Eden-6 neighborhood a Homeowner’s Association? This shitter looks remarkably similar to the one at Blackbarrel Cellars, though there are certain nuanced differences. Why did both these locations require bathside gramophones? Why do both of them have crappy curtain installations - What is that filthy painter’s dropcloth-looking thing hanging from above the toilet? And neither have doors. So, why doesn’t Jakobs Estate deserve a nod in the Blue Bowl potentials? Simply put, this location seems to have a better grasp of fire safety, and that bores me.
Submitted by Bucket Brigadier Solo Espresso!
This shitter is fantastic. What am I looking at here? Someone in the tub with a TV head? Is the person dead? Is that someone relevant to the story in any way? Is that a gramophone, or something like it? Detective Espresso has the answers!
“Yeah, apparently. I have no clue, it’s no one important. Just a random idiot mob. And that is a gramophone, I think it’s what it’s called, in the game. It’s such a pretty bathroom, and I love everything in it.”
It is pretty great. But you know what, Borderlands 3, you are really showing your ass here. The curtains are clipping into the walls. The pipes are wrapping around some of the curtains - how doth one closeth thine drapery? And my favorite thing used to be rugs with unfixable wrinkles. My new favorite thing is wrinkled carpet with candles that have been left burning on top of them. This crapper is a tinderbox. Yikes.
This shitter is a contender for the esteemed Blue Bowl of 2019.
Submitted by Bucket Brigadier Solo Espresso, who writes:
“Look it’s a double toilet! Just right there. Inside a shipping container two of them. #ToiletsWithThreateningAuras”
It’s not just remarkable that this unassuming shipping container sports two shitcans, which appear to have, somehow, a working flush function. It’s also wired for electricity!
Submitted by Bucket Brigadier Khazya! Whether you’re a rented security officer, a bellhop, or stomping on the fingers of the little guy as a Grand Guard, y’all shit just the same. Here’s where you’d do it! This one can be found on your way to the Jindosh Mansion. It’s easy to overlook, because it isn’t anywhere a normal person would put a public bathroom (on the top floor in a multi-level high-rise). It’s dismal as fuck, so a great place for Corvo to stash the chumps who get in his way. ‘Twas a dark a gloomy shitter!
Ralis Sedarys is a Dunmer who has archeological ambitions and dreams. He needs some funds from you (11,000 Septims total) to dig through the layers of volcanic ash on Solstheim’s southern shore, because he says there’s gems and stuff down there. At this point in the game you already have a lot of cash, so the coins you toss at him in installments to get to the bottom of all this is really just a drop in the bucket. If you’re really that worried about it, go sell three Ebony greatswords and your costs are covered.
Things get more and more weird as Ralis makes progress, but because you’re the Dragonborn, you basically just watch him gradually lose his friggin mind, while you loot the barrow, and then save the day afterward. Here’s a shitter that can be found once Ralis sets up camp. Its placement changes slightly over the course of the quest, but like any good shitter, it’s a steadfast pal who sticks with ya ‘til the end.
Ever go searching for Winterhold College’s missing apprentices? Here’s one of them - Borvir, a barefoot corpse, lays within arm’s reach of his boots, and shitter. He came out here to study mead, the production of mead, and the effects of frost magic on mead. Little did he know he would be studying nothing, because he’s dead at the hands of a few bandits.
Today’s lesson takes us to the Dwemer ruin of Mzinchaleft. In a foyer near the entrance, we find a campsite with what looks like a shitter. On cursory glance, it has all the traditional expectations of a shitter for this setting. I caution you, Brigade, against complacency, and the fog of simple-minded speculation! A closer examination shows the campers were just using this bucket to tote around weird herbs.
The Nord ruin of Forelhost is a mess of fallen masonry, empty treasure chests, and dead chumps (tricked into treasure hunting by Captain Valmir, a Dunmer camped by the entrance). Pick your way through the obstacle course of rusted spinning blade traps and fire that shoots out of the walls to find a shitter. Careful, Dovahkiin! This skelebones from a billion years ago was killed when he tried using the water closet!
Submitted by Bucket Brigadier Khazya! This shitter is located at a defunct saloon. You’ll find it near the beginning of the Addermire Institute mission. I’m really into these humble-proud Shopkeeper Shitters lately. Given how poorly the rest of this building is looking, the barkeep has kept his personal space quite neat and tidy in contrast! His affairs are all in order on that desk. The blankets are folded very nicely! He’s trying so hard to keep semblance of order in this crock of shit that we call The Empire of the Isles. Doing his duty! If this guy traded spots with Emily Kaldwin for a day, I think we’d see at least some of the daily necessities addressed.
Here’s a place in Amh Araeng that will leave you asking “…Is it?” Near a mining camp called Nuvy’s Leavings, you’ll find a strange building resembling an outhouse. If you smash your camera into the door frame, you can see that there is nothing inside except some grass that clips through the raised floorboards. The unusual door on this itty bitty outbuilding begs the question. It’s clearly designed to allow for visual inspection of feet beneath the door, which suggests the building is an outhouse. But if it is, it is the first such structure of its kind in Final Fantasy 14.
I’ve been away for a little minute taking some summer classes, but don’t think I’ve forgotten about you, Brigade! Here’s a nice spot to freshen up off the main room of a barber shop in the Karnaca Enclave. This is really an example of an excellent shitter. For the location, it’s very clean. There’s a lot of detail in this one - The decorative floor tiling, the busted paint job, the personal care products on the sink, even that storage locker that seems a bit out of place. It’s both humble and proud, with that fantastic “I’m just doing my best” ambiance that I adore in a Shopkeeper Shitter. I like to imagine the designer getting into the mindset of the NPC who runs this place and setting up the backdrop accordingly. Definitely a blue ribbon shitter.
Paolo’s hideaway of The Crone’s Hand Saloon features two shitters - First, a cozy W.C. with buckets (because why not), a wastepaper basket, and receptacle for floor cigarettes. It flushes. Not much else to say.
Second, a very nice bedroom suite shitter with the usual trimmings, plus a convenient cutout in the wall for assassins like me. I’m sure you noticed too that these thugs just toss their dirty shirts on the bathroom floor because they’re living the high life. All rich people do it. It’s a silent declaration of “Fuck you. My 8-button, dupioni collared garment is now on the floor because I am bored of it.” Full disclosure: The wealth of the Howlers Gang is entirely comprised of wealth they co-opted from the pockets of other people.
Remember the unexpected storage hallway shitter that caught you unawares, right before you left Dunwall Tower? Well look who’s still here at the end of the game, waiting right by the door when you return home, like a grizzled, faithful hound!
Has your old pal, Hall Shitter, suffered from use, disrespect, and maltreatment since you’ve been gone? I don’t think so. From the looks of it, Hall Shitter was picked up with the entire grouping of backwards-facing paintings and elevated just a few inches higher onto a desk. Other than that, it seems to be in one piece, apart from just having missed you so darn much while you were away. Now if you’re wondering about the wellbeing of the Brigmore Witch pictured here, yes, that bitch is dead. I was playing High Chaos, so I had very little other option.
This apartment is actually really pretty. It’s in a historic building with a back patio, a balcony overlooking a prominent boulevard, and the windows allow for a portion of it to act as a greenhouse. This is the apartment’s clean and tidy shitter. Look how pleasant and lovely it is. When Dr. Hypatia got her shit fucked up by Delilah, she abandoned all this peace, tranquility, and humble opulence for a permanent residence in Addermire Institute, surrounded by gross disease and icky death. Once you help her out (which involves injection of Stop Killing People), she’ll move out of there, get back to being her old self, and start making pretty butterfly collections again.
If there’s anything that makes me hang around in a place long after beating the level, it’s the promise of finding a shitter. On my way out of Stilton Manor, I crawled along the convenient shelf-style molding that wraps around the ceiling and looked for special changes. You can’t imagine my excitement when I saw the storage room off the renovated kitchen was now labeled “Restroom.” Excitedly, I did a somersault over the heads of the workmen and slipped through the door to take a look!
In the first slide, we see the storage room as it appears in 1849. Don’t worry, these ladies are just sleeping. I compassionately stashed them in here so I could rummage through their kitchen properly. They’ll be all right.
In the second slide, we see the room is now a shitter in the alternate future of 1852. It was difficult to get before and after pictures here because the room has changed so much, but this room now has two separate stalls and a utility sink.
Appreciation of the new utopia of Stilton Manor must be properly contrasted against the shitter-less Hell that is Jindosh Mansion. And we should all be more like Aramis Stilton (artistic, thoughtful, and hygienic). Jindosh has one personal shitter, and one prison shitter for his Sokolov Holding Cell. But Stilton Manor has so many, I haven’t even posted them all!
Here’s another slide for our presentation of “Emily Kaldwin Should Not Be Empress.” This bloodfly-riddled apartment in the Dust District is supposed to be a “Doctor’s Office.” I’m sure it was at some point, but a while back it became a portal to Hell. Based on cursory observation, Nature has been reclaiming this building for a lot longer than a few weeks or days.
For those of us who like to keep receipts, here’s an Accounting Book that Dr. Nobody kept of all his snake oil sales. Can’t sleep? Eat some onions! Everyone knows that. Poor Mr. Viteri (the final entry) was a dead man walking after the Doctor’s “treatment,” but isn’t it slightly heartening that this charlatan never actually collected money for his goofery? No? Well, at least Doc is probably dead now, and we can all sleep a little better at night knowing Corvo Attano fumigated this apartment with fire to clear out the bloodflies.
Bucket Brigadier Casper submitted this pastoral cliffside shitter! It’s empty. You don’t get a door, but it’s positioned facing away from a fenced cliff’s edge, so at least you’ll see if a bear is coming right at you. Do you think the fear element is a help, or a hindrance to use of this facility?
This Red Dead Redemption 2 shitter was submitted by Bucket Brigadier Casper, who provides the following commentary: “Even amidst the dangerous West in the year 1899, prisoners were looked after better than some of the ranchers. This one in particular I can only assume sat a bandit leader for his last.. you know.”
Somebody at Arkane Studios loves me! Whoever had enough wherewithal to consider a shitter for Aramis Stilton’s “holding cell” in the fucked version of 1852 is an asset to the company and deserves a promotion to team lead immediately.
But let’s talk about the actual viability of this shitter. While I fully understand that video games are not intended to mirror, but merely mimic and mock, reality, I could not help but feel my suspension of disbelief stretched a bit too far when it came to Aramis Stilton’s chamber pot - the one imprisoned with him at the start of the “A Crack in the Slab” mission. We know Duke Abele is paying The Howlers to bring food and candles and stuff for Stilton while he’s locked up in here. The entrance to his room has restricted access, and has been barricaded with furniture. There’s not enough space under the barricade to pass anything more than a plate of food in and out of the room. So, how does he empty this chamber pot? It’s clean, so we know somebody is changing it out for him when they visit. The windows in this room don’t open, so you’d think it would present a problem, since he has been kept in here for three years.
Ultimately, whatever incomprehensible human rights quandary this setup presented is resolved when you help Stilton out by knocking him the fuck out, because multiple additional or renovated shitters appear around Stilton Manor in the fabulously altered 1852 at the end of the mission.
Y’all ready to recuperate? Head to the Addermire Institute of Infectious Diseases, where this bunk is reserved just for you and your recuperation. These are the amenities that await you here: A minibar filled with ether and highly flammable liquor! Loads of cheery sunlight just streaming through the windows! The ambient sounds of bloodflies nesting in the walls! Natural grass flooring? And a chamber pot that is mostly yours, mere inches from your pillow. Plus, the Good Doctor’s office is right next door, so just give a yelp if you need anything at all. If this place yelps anything, it is certainly “recuperation”! I can feel myself already recuperating just looking at this.
Addermire Institute’s one and only janitor, Joe Hamilton, lives in a little apartment at the tippy top of the building’s central stairway. Janitor? That has to be a joke, right? While I can believe someone is paying him to hold the title of janitor, there’s no way he’s doing any work there. The place is too far gone - too “steeped in raw filth” - to be receiving any scheduled cleaning. Joe keeps a huge poster of Corvo Attano (hey, that’s me!) pinned to his vision board. He is so frightened of the Crown Killer that he barricades his room with the furniture you see here, as well as a tripwire just outside the door. The job sucks, and he’s under a lot of stress, which might explain his use of chamber pots as receptacles for HP potions.
Mindy is a tattoo artist, originally from Morley, who graces Wanted posters throughout Karnaca. This is the shitter in Mindy’s apartment! Note how she has changed out the traditional porcelain chamber pot with a fruit bowl. I love Mindy’s overall gritty aesthetic. Improvisation is both a survival skill, and a design element in the era of the Bloodfly Plague!
On your way to Jindosh Mansion, climb over a balcony to find this shitter with a view of a dark-sided shrine to the Outsider. Spooky! It looks to me, based on the splash pattern of the debris, that the bathroom was broken into from the side of the shrine. Priorities.
Real-world shitters that look quite a lot like FF14 locations!
Care to have dinner with Delilah the Rampaging Despot? Ms. Lucile Clothilda was invited to Dunwall Tower to do just that. I’m not sure what exactly transpired to cause her to wind up face-down in the shitter, but through careful detective work (read the letter attached to her ass) we can know that she arrived at Dunwall Tower believing that she would be treated to a sumptuous meal. Maybe her shellfish was poisoned, or maybe it was the clockwork Jindosh Soldier with the razor hands patrolling up and down the hallway, just outside this bathroom, that caused her a mortal wound? None can say for certain.
Mr. Calvin van Lowe was a taxidermist who decorated his place of business in Lewisburg with trussed animal corpses and their various bones. This is the restroom on the 3rd floor of the Taxidermy; note the inventive, however unsanitary, method of storing toilet paper.
Bucket Brigadier Arnie019 found this incredible shitter while playing Fortnite!
Finding bathrooms is always the best part of playing any game, and I was pleased when I located this outhouse next to a cabin near Mystery Lake. It can be found on the western edge of the map, north of the Trapper’s Homestead. Its green door is very attractive. Sadly, it seems that shitters in The Long Dark are mere aesthetic props added for ambience, as this outhouse could not be entered, nor interacted with in any way.
The following is a lesson in the wealth disparity of residents on Ravina Boulevard, located in the Palace District of Karnaca. We can see that some residents enjoy numerous creature comforts, including rugs, carved wooden cabinetry, indoor plumbing, and even lovely wall hangings.
Other residents of the same district live in a contrast of poverty. No bathtubs here, only wash basins. They have to empty the chamber pot somewhere, and the “wall hangings” consist of peeling paper. Their very surroundings are sepia-toned.
However, perhaps “wealth” is a subjective matter. The occupant of the second residence evidently bathes their feet in milk, which is quite luxurious, actually.
Right at the beginning of Dishonored 2, you’ll make your way downstairs to eavesdrop on Mortimer Ramsey and pass this nook filled floor-to-ceiling with chamber pots. They’re all being used for houseplants. I thought this intriguing, but not that unusual. I, too, keep a houseplant in a chamber pot. Well, come back later when you’re ready to face down Delilah and you may ask yourself, “Am I seeing shit?” You’ll find this mess in the room where the pots used to be - This time, the plants are taking root in the floor, and the chamber pots are back to their original intended use!
Dull. Formulaic. Pedantic. What image do these words conjure? For me, it’s Duke Abele’s personal shitter.
The Duke of Serkonos favors the interior design stylings of a sterile hospital, which is ironic, considering the actual working condition of the Addermire Institute, which falls under the Duke’s rule. The cold marble floors, the emotionless floral arrangement, the neatly organized desk accessories - All this gives the impression of a regime on the straight and narrow. Don’t be fooled! In actuality, it is all symptomatic of a man deeply at odds with himself. In spite of his home’s design affect, this dude also attends orgies and has dead bodies piling up in his drug den (located near the guard outpost!).
Special bonus features: That unconscious body in the doorway is the Duke himself! And secondly, a brave “self-portrait” the Duke tried to hide from me on his balcony. Sorry, but I make it my business to enter a building through the roof, and couldn’t help but capture this masterpiece for eternity on my hard drive. This two-dimensional derpy mug, and its numerous chins, must to be celebrated. Hiding this genius from the world would be a crime.
This lavatory can be found on Billie Lurk’s skiff, the Dreadful Wale, which is also an anagram for “Farewell Daud.” Pause for a collective eyeroll. Note the features of this shitter: Handrails, cozy lighting, some flagged books, and no sink. That’s okay, if you’re completing the game with zero deaths, you come out with Clean Hands at the end anyway.
So, they just dump the chamberpot over the side of the boat when they’re done, right? Tell you what, Dunwall. Once you get this whole ‘extremely deadly lack of sanitation’ thing under control, with the rat infestation and all that, might be a good idea to channel some of the funding you set aside for solid marble edifices into Science and Education.
Submitted by junior shitter hunter and bucket brigadier Maven from Maven’s Madness! I am proud to present the results of Maven’s first ever shitter safari - These two bathrooms are from the beginning of Bioshock Infinite. Here is some commentary from Maven: “How much do I weigh after using the shitter?” and, “Is this a lounge toilet?”
So… let’s talk for a minute about Emily Kaldwin, and her “reign as Empress.” Young Emily came to power in 1827, in the original Dishonored, when she was about 10 years old. She remained Empress for 15 years until she was temporarily deposed by Delilah in Dishonored 2. As the heir, she was raised to become Empress, and during the 15 years of actually being the Empress, she did fuckall, let’s be honest. These damning photos are from the Addermire Institute of Infectious Disease.
This horrendous display caused me to exclaim, “Where were you, Emily?!” I had to jack the brightness all the way up just to see anything in this dark-as-fuck hallway. These are the only shitters I could find in the entire complex, and where the people in charge (Emily Kaldwin and Co) expect you to find repose when you’re being treated for plague. This ain’t clean, Empress! And I took these pictures at great personal risk, as there were fat, jingling loot sacks (also called ‘guards’) patrolling up and down, whining about how hard they work. A swarm of them even parked themselves in the stairwell so they could play dice.
This fucking place. No one was running inspections here. It is busted, sad, and an affront to human dignity. None of us who has suffered from a secondary infection while in a hospital can fail to experience a fountain of fury bubbling up inside after witnessing this mess. Let’s all stand and salute the shitters; these noble, stoic sentries, keeping it together in the face of extreme bullcrap.
Emily Kaldwin was a shit Empress, and she deserved to be kicked off the throne. Hopefully, she learned something! If you play Dishonored 2 as Emily, try to earn back the title, won’t you?
Here’s a bathroom in a residence not far from Stilton manor, with about 4 inches of silver dust piling up on the floor, and boarded-up windows that barely let the light in. Hard labor in the silver mines of Karnaca is tough, and the most naïve among us suffer the greatest - in this case, the shitters. Oh, don’t look at me like that. The resident of this apartment didn’t really ‘break their back’ in Stilton Mines. They’re definitely exaggerating! First of all, that slogan is slapped on walls and alleyways all up and down this street. And second, how’d they reach over the clawfoot porcelain tub like that to write on the wall with a broken back? No, the one who has it the worst is the shitter, because God knows what terrible fate befell it. My shocked face quickly shifted into my sad face when I saw this wooden potty with no chamberpot inside. Let’s cross our fingers that the bowl got lucky, hopped a ferry, and is living out the rest of its days on a vineyard somewhere in Tyvia.
Submitted by Bucket Brigadier Minjianaxx, who says: “This was in the research facility for Argent Energy, which is an energy source found in Hell that can make infinite energy. The leader fucked up and let some bitch open a hell wave on Mars turning 60% of the people into demons, and the rest got killed horribly by said demons.”
A hatch hangs open on the ceiling. That doesn’t look safe, gamer! Exceptional photography by this Brigadier, who snapped a shot of the shitter itself in the midst of a melee.
If you were at all skeptical over the virtue of your deus ex machina actions concerning Aramis Stilton, allow this to allay your doubts.
A little backstory: When you first tiptoe through Stilton Manor, you’ll find evidence of a lot of interrupted renovation work. There’s stone and mortar piled about, new layout maps, and notes left here and there mentioning a planned housing expansion. But this was all halted, and due to the witchcraft debacle of 1849, Stilton Manor was never renovated. But if you use the Outsider’s timepiece to travel back to that fateful day, and throw a wrench into Delilah’s plans (just knock Stilton out with a sleep dart while he’s muttering to himself on the back patio), the timeline changes, and so does Stilton Manor. Instead of a festering heap of copious bloodfly hives, the mansion will transform into an airy, artsy retreat with endless halls of smooth white marble.
And here’s the real proof that you did the right thing, hero. In the alternate present, this area, once blocked off for renovation, becomes an office with an en suite. The penultimate reward for a job well done is this immaculate shitter, which would not even exist, if not for you.
Venture into the Neuro Mod Division’s waterlogged and partially-electrified gender-neutral bathroom to see a spooky shitter! Proceed into the inky blackness with extreme caution, using your flashlight to identify the corpses of various crew members. If you are brave enough to make it to the shitter, there’s an unusual prize waiting for you: A pile of eel scraps! Neat!
Here’s some more Before & After Action brought to you by the Designing House of Brigmore. At the start of the game, this is possibly the first shitter you see. It is located at the end of the hall of the Bedchamber Suite. What I’m assuming is that Emily and Corvo share this, as neither of their bedrooms have private shitters. This room provides a convenient spot to stash the body of the guard you choke out in the hall (just plunk him right into the bathtub).
You see this room again when you return to Dunwall Tower to eliminate Delilah for good. The Royal Washroom got a facelift, and a faceplant right into some conjured brambles! To get this LOOK for yourself, take any container you see, tip its contents on the floor, and use the mess to anchor a bunch of tallow candles. Your guests will appreciate the bathtub daybed, complete with Hug-Me Hartebeest Head. Random wig stands provide the perfect “Je ne sais quoi dafuq” that you need to keep your visitors nervous and guessing. Break and stain shit, but don’t smooth out the original wrinkles in the floor coverings, especially if you love the sound of guests clenching their teeth until they crack.
As you exit the Kaldwin Saferoom, through the back door and onto the rooftops of the city, you must pass through a narrow corridor stuffed with the things that rich people hang onto, like extra couches and paintings (like, four dozen couches and paintings). In your haste to get to the meat and potatoes of the game, you might say to yourself (as I did), “Surely there wouldn’t be a shitter in here.” Au contraire, Brigade! It is yet unclear if this shitter is supposed to just be stored here, or if anyone actually uses it. I guess if you wanted to toss the contents out over the city of Dunwall when you’re through, that’s your perogative as a member of the ruling elite.
Emily Kaldwin’s super secret clubhouse is festooned with all the comforts and privileges a lil Empress could desire. That means platters of fresh, firm fruit, crisp bedlinens and laundered coverlets, and shelves of stiffly-bound books, trinkets, memorabilia, and baubles. There are two iron-clad safes full of gold bullion, and a humming furnace. It even has a secret entrance (accessible only with a special key that is in the form of the Royal Signet ring). Seems the perfect place to cuddle up with a copy of Tale of the Mariner’s Voyage, and hide from one’s responsibilities for hours.
Well, you can fuck right off with that highborn shit, because Delilah Copperspoon is here off the mean streets of Dunwall with some decorating ideas of her own. And she prefers to use Nature’s Palette of tracked-in grime and runoff rainwater! Clutch your pearls! The Designing House of Brigmore demands a looser grip on that stuffy notion of “a reasonable degree of filth.” When Delilah wrested control of this circus, she blasted that locked door right off its hinges and did away with the posh linens, satins, and silks. Gone are the snacks and the knick-knacks! Gone are yesterday’s useless heirlooms (note that poor Mrs. Pilsen has been tossed right in the fucking toilet)! This isn’t even the full room. This is just the part of the room with the shitter in it. Elsewhere in the Saferoom, there was a marble carving of a female figure, but when Delilah took over, she replaced it with an actual human man encased in splintery black witch crystals.
What do you say, Brigade? Which version is better: Rich Girl’s Refuge, or Profane Pigsty?
A private citizen is holed up in this bathroom in Dunwall Tower. He’s scared to leave because there’s a killer robot roaming the hall outside the blocked-up door, but you can get in by crawling through an opening near the ceiling. Once inside, you’ll be able to reassure him that help is on the way and he’ll be rescued from Delilah very soon, but mostly you’re here to check out the shitter.
Don’t worry about him, the dude’s hierarchy of needs are more than met. There’s some shitter food in here and I know he’s got plenty of that desalinated tap water fresh from the sea waters surrounding Dunwall Tower. He’s got a couple of dressmaker dummies for company and some lorebooks for when he gets bored. A shitter is the best possible place to have to hide out in the event of a Witchcraft Coup.
Here’s a room that was created for the sole purpose of making sure there was a shitter in this building. Thank you very much, Arkane Studios. There’s nothing in this room aside from a functioning toilet, a dead guy, and two bullets.
The Duke lives steeped in opulence in the nouveau-riche, modern expressionist Royal Palace, that sports a ghastly cast plaster exterior. Aramis Stilton has more taste, and I think the Duke is trying to play catch-up. Abele spent a lot of cash on his palace, but cut corners on the facilities for his support staff. I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t want to shit here. It is slightly less dreary than a workcamp barracks, and Duke Abele obviously didn’t feel the need to spring for any kind of floor coverings, a second sink, or even a second coat of paint. The shitter itself is fine; it is innocent, and is just trying to do its job.
In case you were wondering, no, I didn’t incapacitate these guards, they were already slumped over drunk when I got here!
An exquisite guest bath featuring a rip in the very fabric of time. Speaking of fabric and time, it’s interesting to see the dirty laundry has remained unshifted in both past and present. Note the fabulous addition of mannequin heads in both the tub and the shitter bowl. A unique feature of this shitter, aside from the whole timewarp thing, is the alcove-type nook with interrogation lighting. Sit your ass down and explain your shit, Stilton!
You might recognize this spot from the first Dishonored, as the location where the Lord Regent is arrested after you expose his crimes via loudspeaker. Just look at how the plucky Brigmore Witches have transformed this dull, ordinary hallway into a cluster of shit stalls, decorated with profane scrawlings and filth! These ladies really know how to make a house a home. If you need to get all dolled up for a visit from the Duke, this is the spot to get fresh, pretty and demure. What do you think you’d find if you turned that chamber pot in the middle rightside-up? I’m fully certain there’d be a nice bouquet of colorful roses.
Slippery eel and Outsider enthusiast Paolo (no last name, because he is a standalone rockstar) calls a near-empty apartment above the Crone’s Hand Pub home. This is Paolo’s very own shitter - Notice there is no toilet! I don’t think he’s using that bucket, either. Paolo is a sorcerer who can transfigure into a cloud of rats like Sewer Dracula, so he might not need a normal shitter at all. I can definitely imagine this grimy little weasel crimelord just blooming into a swarm of rats and shitting all over the city that way.
Fun Fact: The character Paolo is voiced by Pedro Pascal!
Due to a helpful letter left behind, we can know that Ms. Fenella Reid worked for the Boyle company, and at the time of Peak Delilah she was living in a collapsing, ruined townhouse on Kaldwin Boulevard. Though Fenella eventually left town, her shitter stayed behind as a testament to the vulgar inhumanity of dark-sided witchcraft! When I saw this puddle of smashed porcelain, I just wanted to drop to my knees and scream “why, why, WHY?”, but since I’m going for the Ghostly achievement I just silently took a dignified picture, like a professional combat correspondent. I definitely choked out the Brigmore Witch that was standing lookout at the top of the townhouse. Earlier in the game, you overhear two witches cackling about how satisfying it is to smash precious dishware. I’m sure this was her doing, the villain.
Aramis Stilton gives the impression of a well-meaning, if not simple-hearted fellow who just wants to collect art and arrange flowers. How did his manor fall into such disrepair? The long and short of it is Stilton permitted Duke Abele and his shitty cronies to use his home for a séance that ultimately gave physical form to the spirit of Delilah. Now he’s trapped in a prison in his mind, but you can free him using a hand-held, dark-sided timepiece and a strategic bump on the noggin.
The timepiece can also be used to check out Stilton’s phenomenal shitters. You can use the timepiece to either take a little peek back in time through a glass, or transition entirely from the present to the past. Clearly, time and witchcraft has taken a toll on Stilton’s master bathroom. Though the decor was quite nice back then, nature added some beautiful and dignified additions of her own. Some fallen pipes now house ornamental grasses, vines, and god knows what else, and a brass alligator statue salutes us from the bow of that bathtub. The shitter itself remains whole and in working order in both timeframes. The complexity of this washroom is yet unsurpassed.
This shitter is a contender for the esteemed Blue Bowl of 2019.
Towering high above the rat-infested streets of Dunwall is the Clockwork Mansion of Kirin Jindosh! It has four floors and two bathrooms. Fuck you I guess if you work here.
If you want to complete the game without ever being seen, you’ll want to traverse the entire map of the Clockwork Mansion without using any floor-shifting levers even once. This is possible if you smash the skylight in his entryway with a bottle and climb around in the ceilings above all the moving parts. However, if you want to take a picture of Kirin Jindosh’s private shitter, you’ll need to move one or two levers.
Jindosh is a weird guy, and not because he spends his life disguising his torture-lab as a quirky, upper-class amusement park. His washroom is way bigger than most entire apartments in Dunwall, and it looks like he mixes his relaxations with his work because there’s a microscope on the table near his bathtub. Maybe he likes to look at his toenail lint under magnification. Freak.
The washroom, which doesn’t even have a chamberpot, let alone a toilet, is in a fussy configuration to the bedroom, which houses the toilet in a little closet. The shitter itself has terrible lighting and is rather unremarkable. Frankly, Jindosh, I’m disappointed in you! To access either one, you’d have to be standing on the other side and use a lever. That part might not so much weird as it is overly complicated, but he has peppered the walls of his washroom and his shitter with portraits of nogoodniks and criminals (including Delilah, Luca Abele and Aramis Stilton), and that part is very weird!
The second shitter in the Clockwork Mansion is located in the basement, within the shifting maze that imprisons Anton Sokolov. In the first Dishonored, Sokolov is a jackass who gets happy watching rats cannibalize each other. But in Dishonored II, he’s portrayed as a grandfatherly figure to Emily Kaldwin. Anyway, here’s his prison shitter.
Does it say something ‘nice’ about Kirin Jindosh that he provides a shriveled ancient like Sokolov with a satisfactory shitter like this one? Not necessarily; it just implies Jindosh is hoping to keep Sokolov locked up for a very, very long time.
Mirell Hoofbeat lives at a backwater settlement on The Farmers’ Coast. He has a barbaric iron-barred cell in his basement where he keeps his daughter, Bea, who is sick with worms. See, to keep Bea from biting people and burning houses, Mirell has to keep her locked in the basement. Yes, worms are to blame for this!
Well, it ain’t worms, it’s the Red Madness, but anyone with a brain could see that. I shouldn’t be too harsh on Mirell. He’s likely illiterate, has a maximum of nine teeth, and no birth certificate.
When you explain it to Mirell, carefully, and using very small words, he’ll give you a family heirloom in exchange for advice on how to put her down like a sick horse. When you come back in a few days, Mirell claims he did it with a poison tea, but I doubt that. Look at how this cell is all covered in blood! Are you just going to leave it like this, you filthy pig? At least he had the basic humanity to offer Bea a shitter while she was in captivity.
Enderal: The Forgotten Stories is a mod for Skyrim which is takes place on a landmass entirely separate from Tamriel. It is available for free on Steam.
Behold a trashed party house at Fraternity Row in Morgantown. I can’t say they didn’t have their priorities straight when they plunked a shitter down directly on the front sidewalk.
The other shitter is in the frat house basement. I’ve known people who live like this, and it’s impossible to interact with them. Since all the people from this frat house are skeletons, it’s almost the same experience, except less talking. Note the triangular anatomy chart on the shower wall. Get a shitty education with your brain damage!
Sorry, aristocracy, but your shitters suck. The bathrooms in the Boyle mansion are bland, lame, and boring as fuck! For all their finery, these shitters have none of the nuance and mirth of even the poorest shitters of Dunwall. I guess it does speak to how the rich, creamy ruling class finds their own existence to be so utterly tedious, darling.
The most no-nonsense shitter of them all, full of shiny loots and resting alongside a stack of books to ponder. The noble chamber pot, located in a nook of the Distillery District, is primarily used by Slackjaw’s gang. But don’t think this is enough for the likes of The Bottlestreet Gang. There’s something beautiful about a bunch of big ‘n tall thugs perching delicately on the edge of a porcelain saucer.
And if you want insight into class disparity during Gristol’s rat plague, compare this hovel to the carved, solid walnut in the Boyle Mansion shitters.
Hiram Burrows, Lord Regent and main antagonist for two-thirds of Dishonored, is a dreadful boogeyman who concocted a coup against Empress Jessamine and framed you, Corvo Attano, for her murder. This is where he shits: A darling and precious chamberpot that did not deserve this life. From the observer’s POV, this looks like a great government job. The opulent surroundings of Dunwall Tower, with all the finest appointments of a steampunk dystopia, and you get to bask in the eerie pale blue glow of this gaudy bedchamber. But, and I think all chamberpots everywhere would agree, you’d probably rather lay broken in an alleyway than be the personal shitpot of a genocidal dictator.
Don’t get the Lord Regent of Gristol confused with Hiram Burrows of Port Jervis, NY. Check out this mention of a real Hiram Burrows, who died of Typhoid, in an 1869 issue of The Evening Gazette.
This one is a little fucky, but I’m not convinced that it’s the shitter’s fault. You can see the chamberpot is clipping into the wooden seat of the shitter. Is it trying to run? Maybe it has to do with the fact that there’s a highly combustible drum of whale oil, alongside the open fucking flame of a lantern mere feet from where you are supposed to feel most at ease. The wooden hinged lid is spattered with whale oil. This room reminds me a lot of this shitter on Talos I. The rogue government of Gristol can make hydraulic super soldiers that shoot rockets with no problem, but trust them to jerry rig a veritable bomb in a restroom. What a filthy debacle.
This quaint, riverfront cottage looks like it practically built itself from sentient debris floating on the Kanawha River. It blends right in, which is why you might even miss the shitter that doubles as a lookout tower and a shelter from Super Mutant passersby. It’s a pretty great shack. In addition to the wooden potty stall, there’s a radio, a bed, and a perimeter of razor wire fencing. You can pretend it’s yours. A note left by Charleston’s former pastor (there’s a condemned chapel across the water) lays next to the radio. It indicates the previous owner was killed by a sniper from an office building overhead, but you won’t need to worry about such a fate, since you likely have a chameleon left leg, and are ambulating in a crab-like stealth crouch at all times.
Hey, sweet digs. This sprawling, three bedroom farmhouse (that’s debatable, but there are three beds, including a double bed, a little mattress on the floor, and the skeleton of a bed half-hidden under rubble) has every trimmin’ and fixin’ you could desire! You get a floor safe, two radios, a culinary cauldron, and one very large skylight. Note the tub propped against the wall like a coffin for a shitter vampire. This location is special because you can find a rare plushie here named “Pristine Teddy Bear”! The wikia describes it as a “junk item.” That’s rude.
Have you ever lived in a crawlspace under an ancient city corrupted by wealth and greed, using a communal shitter shared by seven other people? You know, I haven’t either, but if you’re curious about what that would look like, head to The Warrens, an absolute trash heap in Markarth. It is one of many disgraces of this city. The entrance is right next to the place where they drown thieves, so you can’t miss it.
The wikia article states the following: ‘There is absolutely nothing of value in the main hallway, with the exception of some firewood near the central fire.’ BEG PARDON? Is no one going to acknowledge the brave, solitary, wooden hero that deserves all the commendations and medals ever made, and the only thing here that’s keeping this shit together?
“This particular shitter is from Nehrim: At Fate’s Edge, a full conversion mod for Oblivion, and a great game. This really nice shitter actually gets its own little private room. It’s located aboard the Soul Train, which transports the dead to the afterlife. I suppose this means even ghosts need to go from time to time.”
A fantastic submission from Bucket Brigadier ask-plasma! Incredibly, this is the first and only Oblivion shitter on this blog. Some intense philosophical questions bouncing around upstairs for me on this one.
These questions keep me up at night!
Back before the bombs fell, people in Appalachia liked to reminisce about the Civil War a lot. There are a fair few monuments on the map dedicated to this purpose. One such landmark, Phillipi Battlefield Cemetery, has a gift shop in a rickety old house. If the infestation of mutated bugs doesn’t exactly bother you, there’s a bunch of dress-up clothes that you can rifle through and steal. In the parking lot you’ll find these shitters that double as planter boxes for majestic Freedom Corn! Wow!
Responsible campsite upkeep is important. You don’t want to be creating a mess for future campers. The Golden Rule of camping in Skyrim is: Take only deer pelts, butterfly wings, thistle, hawk feathers, spiky grass, and Dragon Priest artifacts; leave only footprints.
This one is kind of a bummer, Brigade. It appears that rather than face the wrath of nuclear destruction, the affluent resident of this penthouse apartment paddled into the washroom in his blue bedroom slippers, boarded up the windows, and took his final bubble bath with a bottle of wine and some chems.
I’ve enhanced the lighting on the rollover so you can get a better look at this veritable Pharaoh’s tomb! The finely-appointed shitter has a shaving station, grimy towels, a ceiling fan, and an intact mirror on an extending arm, which is very neat. This shitter looks to be the depressed, emo twin of the shitter in Vault 76, which, by comparison, is cheerful, optimistic, and has no corpses.
Nyeehehe! Yes, yes! Do come in!
Here we see the Common Garden Gnome in his natural habitat: An acid-bath of humanity’s collective sorrow and regrets. Yes, do come closer! Partake in the hospitality of his beautiful home, this pastoral lakeside getaway! Where only scientifically-unknown bacteria, and Ghouls, can survive.
Kiddie Corner Cabins are a series of small wooden buildings that have seen some shit. The potty stall is still standing, but so is a crisp husk of a dead chump, right in the doorway, so that’s a no-go. There’s a dinner tray in there, and some TP, as if they’d ever see use again.
Despite the carnage, or perhaps especially because of it, this shitter is a role model and a champ. Everything else around it has given in to the pressure, and crumbled to crap, but this shitter is still upright and proud, because it has nothing to be ashamed of.
I climbed over splintered wood and rusty, exposed rebar to investigate this shithole. From the outside, any reasonable person would already know there is most likely a serial killer hiding in this poolside public shower. The building had a lot of nice fixtures originally, but it probably would have been a hideout for a killer even before the bombs. And you can bet from the picture of the innertube that there’s something terrible in the stall on the left. Even so, my blood ran cold when I opened it up to reveal this maniac, just laying in wait! Gnomes are all reverse-stalkers. They wait a long time for you to show up, just to scare the shit out of you.
“One for sorrow, two for joy! Three for a girl, four for a boy! Five for silver, six for gold! Seven for a secret, never to be told!
Answer me riddle, and the paper is yours! Otherwise, your fate is the same as Bubblegum Bear’s! Yeeehehehehee!”
This DIY urban campsite has a chair made from cement blocks, a weight bench improvised out of existing heating exhaust hardware, and a cute little shack right out of a post-Apocalyptic storybook. It also has a shitter! The bucket on the left sits next to a shitter’s best friend, a full roll of toilet paper. This camper preferred to sleep outside the existing structures in Morgantown, possibly because they are teeming with ghouls. The whole surface area is also doused with kerosene, which would have made for a certain exit from this mortal coil if the ghouls had attacked in the night.
The camper, no longer in residence at this property, was Alicia Parker. We know it’s her shitter, because a holotape labeled with her name and a message from her about the state of society has been left next to the bucket. That’s a very personal gesture.
Access to this shitter is restricted by a level 3 lock in the reception area of the Nuka-Cola Plant at Kanawha. Was it even worth locking? There’s only an empty fizzypop bottle in here.
If you’re a basic bitch who wants the most generic witch or clown outfit, you can find them littered about the ruins of this costume store. But if that’s all very 2077, and bores the shit out of you, just poke around a little more and you’ll find two shitters and a secret clubhouse!
Scurry up Freddy Fear’s fire escape, where this little shelter has been slapped together on the roof. There’s a disease-ridden floor bed, some supplies, a dead chump, and a shitter! Yuck!
Just behind you, a locked door requires a special key. Take a hike to a remote and barren hellscape (it’s marked by a cartoon butterfly on the map). The key is guarded by this legendary boss shitter, lurking in a pool of deadly sulfuric acid! Fish out the key (and an Alien Blaster gun) and use it to open Freddy’s awesome alien-themed clubhouse.
Halloween was just around the corner before the bombs dropped in 2077, so it’s no wonder you can continually find plastic pumpkin-shaped treat buckets all over the fucking place in any Fallout game. At the spooky Pumpkin House of West Virginia, there’s plastic pumpkins and glowing, irradiated, carved pumpkins! As well as this fantastic shitter, all decked out for Halloween.
It’s a nice little spot. You get an unbroken mirror, a full roll of toilet paper, a grimy towel for drying your hands after using the sink that actually works, and even some Shitter Soda. The trade-off is there are icky bugs, and you could maybe even twist your ankle on these rotted floorboards!
Better play it safe and cross the street to this little campsite shitter. If you sneak, you might not even have to shoot packs of wild dogs, ghouls, and a scorchbeast that all live there.
Since there are two skeletons already lining up to use this stall, why don’t you keep going and mosey to the other side of the property, where you can find a rare treat: Aside from the fragile husks of dead people that will crumble into toxic, airborne powder at the slightest touch, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with this bank of potties, which come with their own privacy fencing!
The raiders who lived at Skullbone Vantage (a name you can’t say without summoning a disembodied electric guitar riff accompaniment) were so badass! Their couches are made from sports cars, and skeletons riding tire swings dangle from twisted metal merlons. Another architectural triumph of this raider camp is these incredible shitters! Two lovely red gondolas have been repurposed. One appears to be occupied, but the other is probably completely safe.
I know there’s a half-dead alien blob pinned in the bowl by a wrench somebody threw before fleeing in terror. But the other shitter here still works, so have at it.
Take note as well that this bathroom is absolutely fucked. For Morgan Yu, the main character, this crisis began only hours ago. But how long has this really been going on for? Almost all the floor tiles have been ripped off, and the electrical wiring has shitted out. Once you’ve completed the game, this kind of thing is an interesting detail on the subconscious of the story.
Here’s another water closet - like an actual closet - in the science vessel Talos I. If you look past all the carnage and the things that are obviously wrong here, you can focus on the gorgeous stainless steel throne with its industrial piping! Wow!
Ok, now let’s be honest - What even is this shit? Is there a door? There isn’t. Great. A corpse has been dragged in here, or maybe something has schlorped away from the corpse, leaving a trail. There’s just cardboard storage boxes, and exposed insulation, and exposed circuit boards, and biohazard fluid in pouches, on the fucking floor. A “NO SMOKING” sign! That’s exactly the kind of thing you need on a Space Station. There is no way a human wrote this portion of the sim. Only an alien, or a robot, would think any of this is normal. But the toilet itself is stellar!
The entity that lives in the lavatories of the many incarnations of Legend of Zelda will spook AND reward you. Don’t worry, Phoeni only wants some toilet paper, and it is consistently lucrative for you to abide by his wishes. The whole thing is based around different Japanese legends of ghosts that haunt toilets.
Majora’s Mask: At the Stock Pot Inn in Clock Town, hand him any of various paper items and he’ll reward you with a heart piece that “fell in”!
Oracle of the Ancients: This time, in exchange for paper, Phoeni will toss you a “Stink Bag.” This is a component in a complicated trade agreement between MANY parties that ultimately results in a sword that shoots fucking lasers.
Get a clock from Poe; trade to the postman for Stationery; trade to Pheoni for Stink Bag; trade to the Tokay cook for Tasty Meat; trade to Happy Mask Salesman for Doggie Mask; trade to Mamamu Yan for a Dumbbell; trade to Thomas for a Cheesy Mustache; trade to the comedian in Lynna City for a Funny Joke; trade to Dekadin for a Touching Book; trade to Maple for Magic Oar; trade to Rafton for the Sea Ukulele; trade to Old Zora for the Broken Sword; and finally, trade to Patch for the Noble Sword.
Holy fucking shit! That’s a lot of garbage to pass around just to get a sword, but you can trade THIS one for a Master Sword later, so it’s worth it. For some this trading chain is a nightmare, but if you’re the type to drool over fetch quests, here’s your drug of choice. Let’s be honest. If this was Skyrim, you could just lockpick your way into Old Zora’s house, pickpocket the Broken Sword off his ass while he’s asleep, and trundle off to Patch to exchange it for the Noble Sword.
Skyward Sword: This version is icky! In your travels as Link, you’ll hear a rumor about strange sounds in the Knight Academy bathroom. Once again, it’s Phoeni, who wants paper. If Cawlin has asked you to give Karane a love letter, you can punish Cawlin for being too meek to do it himself by giving the love letter to Pheoni. This will produce several results: Cawlin will become depressed, Phoeni will visit Cawlin while he’s sleeping (and stroke his face), and YOU will receive five Gratitude Crystals!
This shot has terrible lighting, but they sleep in their basement and only have these rudimentary horn candles to see by.
A love story of pure solid gold is that of newlyweds Addvild and Leonara Arius. They work Snowshod Farm together. If you talk to Leonara, she’ll tell you about how she fled Cyrodiil, knocked on the first door she found, and it happened to be this Addvild guy. Conveniently, they fell in love! Here’s where they sleep, dress, and crap. I think they have a His and Hers thing going on.
How would you like to camp out at this unmarked location in Far Harbor? There’s a super spooky shitter for you to use, and the Stachybotrys is absolutely free.
I guess there are certain levels of existance that people are willing to sink to when the shit hits the fan. Here’s the lifeless bunker of Calvert Labs, completely devoid of interior design. You got your cot, your shit bucket, and your harsh subway lighting. There’s a first aid kit outside in case your wittle soul aches for some art, or human contact! Boo hoo, you big baby.
Desmond Lockheart has a Panic Room under Calvert Mansion, and its full of goodies. There’s a bucket here. I don’t think it’s for shitting. It’s too close to the food items. But who knows? I’ve been wrong before.
Lastly, also in Calvert Labs, we have Bethesda serving up some Western Healthcare realness with a very distinct prop placement.
Portal begins in this exhibitionist’s cube - or “Relaxation Vault” - its sole purpose being for you to escape it. Alongside your cozy bed and a small table where someone has inconsiderately left behind a dirty coffee mug and testing data, we find the real star of the scene. The shitter itself is oddly spherical, and even stranger, there is no portal inside the bowl which would eliminate the need for plumbing.
This unexpected, private bathroom is in an unmarked location near a shack north of Ten Pines Bluff. It’s right on the shores of a super-irradiated pond of runoff water, which will kill you pretty quickly if you stray too close. Inside is a shitter and a creepy mannequin who will watch you. The newspaper is serving double duty. First you can read about the moronic dramas of times gone way by, then you can use the paper for the only real purpose it has left. Finally, you may wonder how they wired a lamp to work all the way out here, but your wonders will be replaced with the sads when you find the corpse of some guy in this here tub. Marvelous.
In the gender-neutral shitter of the Life Support division of Talos I, you’ll find this fuckery. Since nobody is left alive to tell the tale, we have to piece the story together from what remains. We know from a nearby Transcribe that a Typhon took over Kirk Remmer’s body and killed everyone. Based on this, my guess is in their haste incapacitate Remmer, someone sprayed Gloo all over the place, and in their panic accidentally popped Alton Weber (the corpse on the floor) right in the face.
But look past the carnage that resulted from unprepared professionals, and check out this cool Creamsicle aesthetic. Explore this bathroom to find a hidden compartment containing a useful keycard!
Fallout 4’s Settlement functions allow the player to add many fun, creative structures to claimed towns. Here’s a shitter I made in Sanctuary Hills. Now I know that the plumbing wouldn’t really work, but if you pretend that it would, you’d probably use that enamel bucket to bring water to the bowl to make it flush. The boxes and stuff are for all kinds of supplies you’ll need in an open-air shitter such as this (tp, antibacterial soap, and a .44 to fend off the radroaches). There’s some lovely decor, including a rug that ought to keep down the radioactive vines and stuff. The ash tray is handy for burning some incense after you’re done to keep it smelling OK. Building this for my settlers gave me a feeling of satisfaction, however, I felt that it was total bullshit that that crafting a custom shitter, with love, did nothing to improve their overall happiness.
This unmarked shitter appears to be camping here independent of any surrounding territory. I am guessing a Wastelander NPC constructed this from found objects. It seems a pleasant spot to squat. Enclosed in pieces of fencing, this doorless outhouse is accompanied by a whole bathtub and some Standard Shitter Goodies can be found within - A random assortment of beverage and first aid.
This installment of Famous Toilet Episodes is pulled from one of my favorite films: Mel Brooks’ Robin Hood: Men in Tights. In this scene, Blinkin, the Loxley family servant, is “looking at porn” while ‘in’ the bathroom (which is really a fold-out relief on paper, because he’s blind). This is a pretty standard Castle Shitter, essentially a hole in the top of a wooden box that leads ‘somewhere.’ We generally assume this leads to a chamber and a huge pile that some poor asshole has to shovel out, because we all know Castle Loxley didn’t have running water or a sewer. Obviously Mel Brooks had a lot of influence over me growing up, because I too now believe you can’t call yourself ‘classic cinema’ without having at least one shitter in the production.
While playing Prey, there have been moments where I realized that the fuckers working on Talos I got exactly what they deserved. Finding these rooms was one of those moments. Check out the shitty, dehumanizing conditions prepared for mental health ailments. The “bed” is a plywood platform with a paper-thin mattress. Or maybe it’s a sofa, and they expect the person to sleep on the cot?
It has a radiator. Can we just talk about that for a second? What twisted, illiterate contractor decided this was the go-to technology for the year 2031 on a fucking Space Station? Why do they even need heating units like this? Doesn’t Talos I use thermal padding and the Magnetosphere like any other structure of its kind?
You’ll notice as well that there’s aluminum trays, and metal cutlery. In a psychiatric ward! Maybe their excuse starts out as, “Well, we didn’t anticipate we would have psych patients needing special cutlery in Outer Space.” But you had the forethought to build multiple padded cells, so what the fuck? You have fabricators that could just poof the proper items out of polymer resin! Explain your bullshit! These aren’t even the only rooms like this on the Station. Have some floor food, you breathing liability, and a journal so you can take notes on this bullshit to present to the UN later.
For future reference, being locked in a psych ward does NOT protect you from aliens. When I got to the second room, there was a mimic in there. I think it was pretending to be toilet paper. Additionally, if you had any doubts left that this place is pure simulacrum, take a look at the poster on the wall. The dude on the poster, Aaron Ingram, is the same guy you free from the experiment chamber.
It’s all very sad and you can see from these photos that the residents of these cells have been here for quite some time (note the walls covered in hatch marks). At least they get a shitter, even they just have the toilet paper thrown in there on the floor like they’re animals or something.
At Camden Park, you’ll find no lines at the rides, the games, nor the shitters! There’s also no working electricity and no First Aid Station, so watch out for broken glass. Here’s a little fella who is determined to enjoy himself no matter what. He’s all set with his cotton candy, his milkshake AND his beer hat, plus front-row seats to a parking lot full of explosive cars and ghouls, which makes for an exciting demolition derby.
The most eerie thing about Prey is continually finding shit like this which makes you pause and say to yourself, “Now this doesn’t look like a Space Station.” This shitter in the G.U.T.S. (Gravitational Utility Tunnel System) of Talos I is little more than a closet, with an obvious water leak, stuff laying around on open metal shelving and a pouch of biohazard fluid in the sink. What the fuck, scientists? Why isn’t everything nailed to the damn floor? What happens if a catastrophic event occurs - much like the one we find ourselves in while playing Prey - and we enter Zero G? You’re telling me that pouch is going to be flying around the room and bean me in the face like a paint ball pellet? Who is in charge here?
Oh, right. It’s Alex Yu. The guy who spends more time on the phone than in the lab. The guy whose kitchen is so crammed full of snacks that he has crates of it stacked ON his exercise equipment and whose body mass exceeds the limit allowed by NASA.
Anyway this is a sad little cubby that someone plunked a toilet into and called it good. It’s very convincing. Now, please wake me up from this nightmare and show me where the real Outer Space bathrooms are? Documenting your shitters is the only reason I am here.
Having a small business wasn’t enough for the guy who used to run this vacation destination. In a bid for a spot on Haunted Tours of West Virginia, the cabins were wired so the paintings would rotate and the floors would shake. There are a number of buildings at this location, along with some outdoor cook areas, but just one outhouse.
Here’s the Most Haunted Shitter in Appalachia. Note the secondary bucket inside the stall. There’s also a rocking chair outside. Maybe it creaks ominously when you approach, I don’t know. But there’s a water pump for washing your hands after, and the fact there’s a functioning door is enough for me; I’m sold.
This pure mood from Appalachia sums it all up pretty fast - “Slumped backwards over the shitter with some booze” is how we’re all feeling, sweetie. Don’t worry, there’s an unoccupied stump of a throne in the back so you can flop over, too. At least there’s plenty of toilet paper to go around.
This mysterious button is curious indeed. This is the end point from a shaft that shoots you up from deep within the earth and up through a crapper after you fuck around with a nuclear launch. Convenient and gross as all hell. Imagine if someone was in there when you arrived?
Some irony in the second picture. Vault Boy disapproves of reducing the gravity of nuclear war to a dance of bluffing and one-upmanship!
Rivet Shitty. I have my doubts about this one. Though it may be possible that all these fixtures are actually hooked up to working plumbing, they never bothered to get around to tossing up some privacy curtains and the place is filthy. This is the one place they really should be cleaning. And I know for a fact that Abraxo exists in this town. Moreover, given there’s a makeshift bar littered with hooch, I’m wondering if this is where survivors of the Apocalypse go to cry. This room reminds me a lot of Skyrim’s Redwater Den. I’m surprised there aren’t pinch pots of moon sugar on that table.
In the “facilities” area of the Mechanics Division you’ll find this area labeled “Locker Room.” But it wears many hats, and functions as a shitter, and compact office for the scholar searching for reasons why the people on Talos I deserve to live. It’s even a secret loot chamber. After you successfully launch Emmanuella and Frank’s escape pod, you learn that Emmanuella left a little goodie bag hidden in that room. Just take it, barely anybody else is even alive to appreciate it.
The lobby area of Talos I is so swanky, from the bombastic tiling, to the brass trimmings, you may pause to ask yourself, “Am I on a Space Station, or in an overpriced hotel?” Just look at how much Space Station real estate they wasted on a separate male and female restroom. The second photo is the Men’s Room. It’s in pretty good shape, and you could probably even reuse it, if you cleared out the dead guy. What’s in the Women’s Room (seen sealed-off in the first photo)? A devil creature from Hell, and a couple of magazines. Why did Talos I even bother with this fussy, separate male and female restrooms? At this stage, it’s unclear.
This shitter is located in your apartment when you start a new game in Prey. Looks pretty great, right? Real cozy? Well, guess again! This shitter is fake! It’s a simulation! I know I just rocked your world and exposed the plot and revealed what you actually learn directly following the tutorial, but I thought it was essential that you know now, so you don’t get your hopes up. That shitter ain’t real, kid. It’s a lie. There are a couple of real-deal shitters in Prey that are kind of wild, and we’ll get to those. But for now this Simulated Apartment Shitter is documented here, for perspective, and posterity.
Another ‘amusement park’ in Columbia, Soldier’s Field features a baffling puzzle that only the most discerning simpleton could ever solve.
In the first photo, we see the Men’s Room (you can tell it’s a Men’s Room because it has a dead dude in it) with a crass graffito scrawled across the urinal station. Elizabeth suggests you start looking for clues. Luckily for you, a huge clue to what the mysterious message says can be found in the hand of the corpse on the floor.
Follow the clue to discover a secret door in a location that is pretty much shouting “This right here is a secret door.” It’s in the empty stall in the adjacent Women’s Room. Sleuthy!
These shitters are brought to you by Bucket Brigadier Minjianaxx! The bathrooms at this entertainment resort are segregated, with obnoxious, rude signs indicating where it is legal or illegal to shit. The nerve of this place. You can’t tell me where to squat.
First we see the “Whites Only” restroom, and if you live in the sky city of Columbia, there is definitely something in the water making you stupid if you saw this and never thought it was bullshit. Velvet drapes? Gross!! The toilet seats don’t even have real lids on them. Every time you flush, there’s a fine mist coating these curtains, and then you’re touching them! The fussy granite urinals positively scream “You’re trying too hard, Prophet.” Additionally, somebody left food in this purse on the floor. Would you eat a shitter apple?
Apart from this, we also have the “Colored/Irish” restroom, which is, well, different, by comparison. The Prophet obviously didn’t shell out the big bucks for contractors on these sinks. Though I have to say, I do not think what is happening with that one sink is actually possible. Princess Comstock will carry on about how it smells in here, right in front of this guy who is just doing his best with what he has to work with. He’s trying so hard, so back off, Elizabeth. Lastly, the “urinal station” is just a trough in the floor. This design element is quite popular in some punk rock clubs in Los Angeles, so maybe they’re onto something.
Right away when you start Duke Nukem Forever you find yourself in this setting, which really lays the foundation for what you can expect out of the game, in the way of humor and maturity. Needless to say, I felt electrified with a feverish enthusiasm to explore this complex storyline and multifaceted main character after zoning in to a bathroom first thing. These shitters are 100% interactive, a somewhat rare quality in a game shitter.
In the very next room, you’ll find this marker board which is also interactive. I was invited to use it to modify our plans as necessary, so I drew a cartoon dick. I was sure this was what they were after, and I did get praise from my friend here, but I still have a feeling that Duke is underappreciated as an artist.
In the twisted, shifting landscape of dystopian Appalachia, things are not always as they seem! These potty stalls face away from the main attraction at Abandoned Mineshaft 4. So, imagine how, just as you round the corner, your expectation, curiosity and childlike wonder would quick turn to horror, shock, dismay, and confusion - - because where? Are? The shitters?! Who has abducted them? What do they want? Are they truly just cruel thieves? Or did someone forget? Maybe, whoever was in charge of installation simply ran out of time.
If you bust apart this port-a-potty, you get a special achievement called “Daily Routine”! To effectively complete this goal, I attached an automatic baseball pitching machine to my goat body.
This scene is found in the shitter of a roadside cottage, south of Kanawha Nuka-Cola Plant. Loot the body of this very dapper gent to find a wearable wedding band that even shows up on your hand when you equip it!
If you have the misfortune to need use of the facilities in the necromancers’ hideaway of Sunderstone Gorge, be sure to bring along antibacterial wipes, gloves, hand soap, a Tetanus shot, Neosporin, some Swiffer cloths, Lysol, and a Benadryl.
It was never clear to me why Raiders were always harassing Abernathy Farm. I mean, aside from the fact that Raiders are simple-minded assholes who crush anything good, but Abernathy Farm doesn’t even have a decent shitter. This craptastic pile of broken porcelain is the only thing close to one, and it’s located just outside the boundaries of the farm.
While most of us are out there in the wasteland scrounging for water where we can, the clowns at Whitespring are living large with functioning plumbing that they flush in excess. Water is a precious resource! You’d think by now, the Enclave robots would dig us some decent composting toilets. But I guess they think that time is better spent seducing the few of us who remain into annihilating each other with nuclear bombs, using MODUS’ sexy Death Daddy voice.
Out of all the gondola shitters in Appalachia, this is the only one to provide privacy curtains. Such accomodations are normally a major improvement for any rest stop, however, the corpse begs the question. Perhaps this visual impairment is what caused the untimely demise of the raider, seen here seated on the throne?
Do you see this shit? This is somebody’s idea of “saving time.” Don’t put your mouth, or a toothbrush (which goes in your mouth), anywhere near a shitter! You may think you’re saving time now, but when you start getting canker sores, you’re going to feel like a real dummy.
This attraction can be found in the Wyrmstooth addon for Skyrim. Here we see an “annoying bard” complaining about the era’s only toilet choice.
Do you revere Mothman, but DESPISE doors on your shitters? This is the bathroom for you, my friend. The central worshipping temple of Mothman is accessed via this unisex restroom. Within this small room, turn left and you’ll see a second doorway, also missing a door (it’s busted down), and a stairway leading down to this picturesque country chapel. You bought Fallout 76 to fulfill your fantasy as the pastor of an imaginary, feathery insect with glowing eyes, didn’t you? Bethesda has a little something for everyone!
Not a true shitter, unless you are a savage freak, but it deserves a mention for the following reasons: The extraneous floral arrangement, the gnome Honor Guard, and the splashmat of mutated fungus make this a rest stop of note. Something else to make note of is that while all the residents of Hunter’s Ridge are corpses, this gnome remains on site, with his unnerving, emotionless grin. Shocking, I know.
Oh, look. Someone was making hot dogs over the crapper. Why does everyone in Appalachia seem to think this is such a great idea? I mean, you could always build a fire. Or, if you’re trying to avoid drawing attention to yourself, eat the hot dogs raw! It’s not even real meat! What harm could you really do eating it uncooked? Are you really improving this item by altering it in this manner? Actually, the better question is, Did you get a head injury out there? Because you are NOT cooking the item by doing what it shows in this picture.
Hey, little buddy, you’re far from home. This gondola shitter is oddly placed in an overgrown meadow of lush grasses and defunct appliances. A scorched wastelander extends an arm toward the bowl, as though expecting salvation. In another lifetime, perhaps.
Anyway, if you don’t like the looks of this restroom, that’s too bad, because there are no other toilets on the grounds of Bolton Greens. The closest you’re going to get is what you see in the second picture. How’d you like to freshen up in this powder room?
At Isolated Cabin’s wooden potty stall, you’ll find the finest of baleful magnetic fridge poetry. This ballad of malaise, torn from the Post-Nuclear Poetic Edda, succinctly delivers an acrimonious summary of the human condition in the year 2102, and says pretty much what we were all thinking about the spiced eggs. If civilization were still a thing, I’m sure this morose narrative would be crowned with all the Hugo Awards we could find.
Take me to the river and drop me in the water!
Dip me in the river, drop me in the water!
I don’t know why I love you like I do,
all the troubles you put me through.
My home is a toilet, my home is a bowl,
and here am I, the biggest fool of them all.
Submitted by Bucket Brigadier Minjianaxx, these images come from the South Park game, The Stick of Truth. Apparently, you can use these items as grenades (see rollover). This is an example of what not to do, the wrong kind of shit, and a misuse of a bathroom, but it’s important for us to study bad behavior, so we can learn how not to be. Another example of bad behavior in this photo: Leaving your toothbrush out on the sink top in the open air of the bathroom. Gross.
This slaving compound is a hovel of horrors and I was justified in blasting a void in the skull of every raider there. On the way out to sweet freedom, I snapped shots of slaver hygiene standards (for evidence in the inevitable war crimes tribunal).
The top photo shows where they make the kids shit!! That’s not ok! Next, you can see Paradise Falls is heading for a hefty UN Sanction, if the UN ever gets its act together from out of the 200 years of nuclear rubble, in the bottom photo. These slavers continue to torture a deceased prisoner’s remains with a colorful party hat, while both his shitter AND his noodle bowl are j-j-just out of reach. I burned this entire place to the ground using only pure outrage.
There are no functioning shitters aboard Mothership Zeta (only that Toilet Museum in photo 2). However, when you complete all the quests and touch back down planetside you’ll be right next to this nice washroom (with scenic overlook). Good job, hero. Hope your victory shit is glorious.
PS Mothership Zeta is run by a shadowgovernment (gnomes!). Their reign of terror over Earth was not enough. They want to be in Space.
I call this Easter Egg, “Developer is Too Tired to Make Sense Anymore, Please Let me Go Home to My Family.”
They say imitation is a form of flattery, and they also say you cannot duplicate greatness, only imitate it. Somewhere in Appalachia, you will find a holotape called “Impromptu Raider Meeting.” The contents of this holotape consist of two rival raider factions bickering over whether they should team up or kill each other. I didn’t give it much thought until I saw this at South Cutthroat Camp. This.. this is just embarrassing. First they claim they don’t want to team up together, but to make an almost exact copy of the shitter at Seneca Gang Camp? I’m not trying to be mean, but look at this shit! Seneca Gang did it first, and they did it better! And it makes very little sense. At least Seneca Gang positioned their gondola car appropriately, on the edge of a cliff. I mean, it’s quite difficult to imagine oneself soaring high and free over the ski slopes in a gondola car when it is on the ground.
The Child of Frankenstein that you see before you now is what happens when my camera view is cramped into a tiny-ass corner of a shower trying to get a shot of the entire bathroom and Bethesda will not let me be great. Anyway, I clipped it together and you get the idea. The Enclave’s secret relaxation retreat, Whitespring Golf Club, boasts powder rooms with plenty of sparkly loots and fixtures that are not even broken. This is going to make the common people seethe from injustice and start singing Galavant’s Today We Rise.
So where do the proles shit? You can see that in the second photo! This is the “guest shitter” at Whitespring Resort, for use of plebes, with their adorable concept of Home Sweet Home in their narrow, tiny, myopic little skulls. The common, vulgar wastelander has never even dipped their toes into the excess and luxury of what the Enclave and Big Brother could offer them, but it’s better that they keep their teacups, and imagine themselves lucky to have even set foot on the grounds of Whitespring Resort!
You should probably read that paragraph in Senator Armstrong’s voice (from Metal Gear Solid).
Lastly, if you thought the robots were the governing body of Whitespring Resort, take a look at what lurks among the reeds at the kiddie pool, you utter bumbling fool.
At least, I am pretty sure this is the spot to squat for the werewolf hunting group known as the Silver Hand. It’s pretty messed up, but the entire fort here is filthy and disgusting so, what do you want. All the hallmarks of a shitter are here, including bucket, shovel, and book, as well as that crate where I’m assuming they place the book when it’s not strewn on the fucking floor. These guys are way more interested in skinning werewolves alive than keeping house. They are enormous assholes.
This pristine, exemplary, spotless, sinless, blameless restroom is pure and innocent and has done nothing wrong. This is the shitter within Vault 76 that you observe briefly before setting out into the wide wild and crazy wasteland. It’s a reminder of what life could be like without the horror of nuclear war. I can’t say enough about what a clean bathroom, with functioning plumbing and fluffy towels, means to me. It’s the epitome of personal security and wellbeing! It’s something every person should experience and feel. That’s my New Year’s wish for all of you, Bucket Brigade! May you shit in comfort and peace for all of 2019!
Years of shitter hunting has hyper-attuned my senses! It was the pitch black of night when I snuck up on this place. When I suddenly found myself stumbling through a slap shod pile of broken metal sheeting, I paused a moment and thought, “I bet this is a shitter.” Sure enough, I circled around and voila, a broken toilet! I don’t think this object originated here. One of the metal signs on the outside depicts a swimmer.
So, I’m sensing a theme.
This shitter, located in the destroyed township of Welch, has been transformed by some plucky wastelander into a lovely kitchenette. But tell me this: If you were in possession of one of the last spring-loaded tp roll holders in existence, why would you not use the thing? There’s a shelf! Could it not hold the silverware? The superfluous oven mitt? It makes no sense, but I don’t know what I expect from someone who pulls the corpse of some dude across the floor like a damn rug.
This image is from the game Dragon Age: Origins. Submitted by Bucket Brigadier Minjianaxx, who says this:
“I DID IT! I FOUND A SHITTER! STALLS AND EVERYTHING! This is the mages tower, in the place the students sleep. It’s in the continent of Ferelden, next to the docks. You have to talk to a Templar to boat you across a river to get to it. You save the tower from one of the mages who went crazy and summoned leagues of demons inside. Last time I was in the mages tower, all the shitters were tossed willy nilly around, cuz of all the demons killing people, but if you go back during the dlc, it’s all tidy. Well, the destroyed version just had like one or two buckets with a shower tub just tossed in the corner. It’s why I couldn’t see what the room was made for with my UNTRAINED EYE.”
In this Dwemer ruin, you’ll find a crawlspace under some pipes where a guy named Endrast hid from a Falmer attack. Though the poor fella dies with an arrow in his shoulder, he was only scant meters from a shitter, and I take comfort in that. Aside from this example of their immeasurable cruelty, in Alftand we can observe the brilliance of Falmer engineering (third photo).
Notice that even though this area has been taken over by the vampire Minorne, the Vigilants of Stendarr that have been enthralled by her have left up the garlic braids. Strange…
Something tells me that outhouse has been witness to numerous grisly Jurassic Park-like horrors and is probably praying a stiff gust blows a flaming tumbleweed into its open bowl.
Here’s a perfectly clean steel bucket waiting at the foot of this cot, and there’s even a footlocker and an ammo case you can use. Also some good lighting, since none of us can sleep with the lights off anymore. This looks like a great place to camp out for the night!
Oh yeah, and as you climb the stairs to tuck yourself in, take a gander over the hole in the floor across the hallway! Teddy… Noooooooooo!! And yes, there is a Heavily Damaged Gnome standing in the doorway where you first entered the building. Sleep tight, sweetie.
Wyndelius Gatharian was holed up in this Nordic tomb for a year, using potions that made him look like a ghost to scare everyone away while he attempted to claim an ancient treasure for himself.
Well, after a brief tussle with Wyndelius (he dies), your reassurance to the townsfolk that the haunting of Shroud Hearth Barrow was just a Dunmer trying to solve a Nordic Puzzle Door is much appreciated! For your hard work, you are granted a curious reward: It’s the key to the treasure room in the Barrow.
Here is a sampling of some of the shitters I found in Skyrim’s various dungeons and jail cells.
Slide #1: The Emperor’s ship Katariah provides prisoners with shitters. And an end table, with fire on it. Everything looks up to code from here, guys.
Slide #2: The family home called Treva’s Watch is occupied by The Silver Hand at some point. My guess is because it boasts a couple of convenient, cramped, on-site jail cells.
Slide #3: Fort Neugrad has a creepy, witchcrafty vibe to its ward. There are six cells oriented in the lower level of a circular tower. Though each has its own shitter, which is really nice, there are also a ton of these birdcage torture devices littered about, with soul gems and enchanting tables here and there, as well as a candlelit ritual circle on the tower’s roof.
Slide #4: When I freed the prisoners from Fort Kastav, what interested me most is that each spacious cell was stocked with a shitter, a bed, and even some yummy dinners. This is practically the Marriot. While I was documenting these traits, at no time did I instruct or even advise the captives to attack some enemy soldiers outside the hallway! Listen, General Tullius, war is ugly. This is what those legionnaires signed up for when they put on that uniform and I only came to Fort Kastav to scout for shitters so don’t blame me if that unsanctioned skirmish resulted in the deaths of all the captives while I took screenshots downstairs!
With great care and trepidation, walk the plank to the edge of this cliff to take a pensive, meditative squat over a 600-meter drop. With scorchbeasts gliding majestically above, and legendary glowing alpha wolves prowling below, this may be the safest shitter on the map. Of note: The crate that you’d be depositing your life’s work into does not open to the valley below. Since it’s closed up on the bottom you’d have to actually empty the receptacle yourself which is a bit puzzling. There’s a crate of toilet paper nearby and some grubby comic books and snacks on the seat itself. Trapper’s Camp is a luxurious spa retreat, the best feature being that it doesn’t even have a map marker, so no one can bother you here!
A tribute to Skyrim in the Appalachian Wasteland? This outhouse sports the classic combination - chair AND a bucket.
Note the waiting bench, in the event the very exposed, doorless outhouse is already in use. As I maneuvered into position to get this picture, Bob (Son of Dave), seen here peeping through a hole in the side of the Women’s Quarters, hollered at me, “Is that really necessary?” Isn’t it, Bob?
This restroom is located in the Officer’s bunker. Not very remarkable, in spite of the CUTE Psycho-Teddy Bear combo. The real reason I bothered documenting this location is because of the luxuriously lavish Jacuzzi tub found above-ground. Just look at that. After a long day of wasteland wandering, I can’t wait to dip my toes into the cool, stagnant water of a filthy cast iron trough, with empty liquor vessels floating beside me like calming bath candles. Take me away.
Mercer Frey likes to act like he’s better than everyone, but he shits in a wooden pail just like everybody else.
Submitted by Bucket Brigadier askerandur! Isn’t it super that the Falmer provide shitters to their captives before slaying them mercilessly?
In this deluxe underground bunker shitter, a Garden Gnome sentinel squats, all set with toys, snacks, drugs and David the Gnome on Netflix. Next to him is a toilet with a bottle of water in it, because all gnomes are sociopaths.
Elsewhere in the bunker, you’ll find a sleeping bungalow, a kitchenette, a drinkin’ fire and a drinkin’ sniper perch on top of some duct work (both are outfitted with liquor). A nice place to hide out and hunker down, if you can abide the gnome.
The inhabitants of the kids-only bunker of Little Lamplight are tough as nails, but do not underestimate their instinct for bathroom aesthetics. Just look at that ambiance! Nobody wants to get kicked out of Little Lamplight when they reach age 16, and no wonder. Do they even have a shitter in Big Town?
…Yes and no. Behold the shitters of Big Town. As you can see, they pretty much suck. Hope you don’t mind sharing the Common House bathroom with ten teenagers! Or, maybe you’re the type who can ignore the blood in the Clinic’s tub long enough to do your face for the day, pretend the mirror ain’t broken, and grin at the wall like an idiot.
Maybe something just happens to a person’s logic and reasoning when they leave the bunker, and take on low-level radiation from just being outside. Because if you take a look at the last picture in this photoset, you’ll see the residents of Big Town (visible in the distance) elected to leave this perfectly viable port-o-potty near the skeleton of an abandoned farmhouse.
Did you ever feel bad for what Neloth’s fucked up experiments did to Ildari Sarothril’s sanity? Well, you won’t feel bad anymore when you see how she tortures her own prisoners by placing their shitter just out of reach! There was a lady still trapped in this dungeon when I got down here to take this picture. The compassionless disregard for the ethical treatment of prisoners is why this evil necromancer had to burn.
Located in the Forsworn hidey hole known as Deepwood Redoubt, this reckless brute is sleeping a scant three feet from an Ancient Nord corpse and it makes you wonder, how far is too far Gone Wild? Forsworn are constantly pushing the limits of wilderness living.
Do you like getting stoned out of your mind, and shitting in a communal setting? Though you can do that pretty much anywhere in the Appalachian Wasteland, this former cult retreat is the only landmark exclusively dedicated to both. The swanky restroom has a gramophone that croons out the merits of giving all your stuff to the cult. Further down the hall, you’ll find a little alcove shrine devoted to their god.
This puzzling graffito was left in a trailer at Berkley Springs. Does the arcane scrawling on this filthy tiled cell indicate the presence of aliens, or are they perhaps sheriff hats? The chems can certainly only help you find the answer.
Would you like to see an adorable wittle bear reading a paper and smoking a cig in a portapotty that looks so real, you hold your breath when you activate the door? If so, head to Morgantown - This little buddy is there waiting for you!
A short distance away, at the airport, you’ll see Men’s and the Women’s rooms delineated by not only signs, but by interior design elements such as liquor and a flower vase. In these trying times, women need beauty AND numbing agents to cope, but apparently NOT doors.
This classic prison shitter appears in Game of Thrones Season 4, Episode 4: Oathkeeper. Jaime Lannister makes mention of it personally at the very start of the scene with the line, “This isn’t so bad. You’ve got a pot to piss in.” What an honor!
From the picture, this looks like a pretty nice campsite. But if you were there, you’d know that bucket is frozen to the damn floor. By the way, Falmer drag campers off into the darkness and cut them into pieces just for making a fire here, so I would recommend you proceed without squatting.
Was it The Call of the Wild: Yukon .. or White Fang? Maybe Iron Will (there were so many sled dog movies made in the 90s) in which the older man kvetches about how miserable such conditions are. He observes bitterly, “Watch your piss freeze before it hits the ground.” I wonder if that ever happens in Skyrim?
Don’t see a bucket, do ya? That’s because part of what makes being Jarl of Markarth so friggin sweet is peeing into a waterfall every morning. Because you can’t look at this and tell me that you wouldn’t. If you don’t know, the waterfall is behind the camera angle. It’s a lovely little private place where a chest of gold is kept. But I think we all know the real gold here.
In the words of Nicky Santoro, “Peekaboo, you fucks, you! I see you, mother fucker!” Using Corvo’s special secret vision, I saw Piero “checking the keyhole for structural integrity” while Callista was in the bath. When confronted, he begged me for “discretion” and fled. Yes, I looked, but I had to. I’m investigating the murder of the Empress. This is important. It wouldn’t be in the game unless it was part of the clues. Anyway, it was kind of a yawnfest. Once you see one defeated, plague-starved former-aristocrat scrubbing at the iodine under their fingernails in vain, you’ve seen them all.
Stumble through the mucky mire of Appalachia long enough and you’ll come across Tanagra Town - a beanstalk-like growth protruding from the ground due to a malfunction of the GECK in Vault 94. A floating island of earth and rock rests at the top, with bits of broken houses. If you climb the beanstalk, these are the treasures which await you! Two gorgeous shitters! Other wonderful things about Tanagra Town: No gnomes, a unique basketball, and if you leap off the top from the tire swing, you won’t die, you will only break both your legs. Fantastic.
Another mysterious magnetic fridge poem left in a shitter, this time at Hillfolk Hotdogs. This one… a little less cohesive than the first. Don’t strain yourself too hard trying to find meaning in these verses. It’s clear that near the end, the author ran out of the good magnets.
I found this ART while exploring the wilderness. This is some deep shit right here. The plaintiff husk of a West Virginian who just couldn’t make it to the shelter of this port-a-john before the blast guards the door to this stall. An Untitled Poem of dank, nihilist prose in a beatnik, magnetic-fridge-poetry format is the only remaining witness to future shits. Aces Deuces.
This is the personal bucket of Madanach, The King in Rags, who is of course the dickass who “leads” the Forsworn Rebellion from his hidey hole in the Cidhna Mine prison. Quite the luxury accommodations afforded to Madanach. Forsworn Royalty seems to get the only shitter in the whole prison.
Camp out in this haunted nook with all the comforts of home. Bedroll, lantern (keeps the ghosties at bay), convenient shitter, mead on tap, and even a little cleaning supplies in case you get bored of that book and wish to play Cinderella.
This right here is why Jarl Ulfric Stormcloak is a vinegar-based feminine wash. The first photo is where Jorleif sleeps. No, really. Ulfric’s oldest friend, who he sorta just allows to hang around the throne room and pipe in with advice now and then, sleeps on the floor and shits in a corner of the kitchens.
Meanwhile (middle picture) you have rooms on rooms on rooms in the Palace of the Kings that are unoccupied. Some have fires going in them. Some don’t. Why bother heating the parts of your castle that will never be used? It’s not like you have a family or anything, Ulfric Foreveralonecloak. Fucking asshole! You’re telling me Jorleif can’t sleep in this bed here? Shit in this chamber pot, by the warmth of a fire?
And where does Papa Bear Stormcloak shit? Well, I’m not fully and 100% sure, but this is where he sleeps, and the only vessel in the room is a silver bowl. Yeah I’m pretty sure that Ulfric shits in a silver bowl. Dandy ponce.
Another hidden shitter in Skyrim! This starts out as a sword, named Red Eagle’s Fury, which can be inserted into a stone plinth at Rebel’s Cairn to trigger a trap door in the cave. If you complete the quest, and kill the draugr Red Eagle, you’d remove the sword to reveal its name has changed to Red Eagle’s Bane. Or, you could set it on fire, and turn it into a bucket, like I have demonstrated here.
Wow, were Quentin Tarantino and Guillermo del Toro both here having gay horror sex? These photos, which will surely be admitted into evidence, feature Room 1K as last visited by the Pintsized Slasher (see terrifying mask, photo 2). The third photo is the shitter in the motel office, as taken from within the women’s room, from which vantage point one has full view of the urinal. That’s the quality contracting and craftsmanship you can count on from the inbred mutant swamp that is Point Lookout!
Kenny has sweet digs in the abandoned Herzog Mine and his guest bunk has its own shitter! Tons of toys and games will keep you from thinking about that skeleton of Old Man Herzog hanging from a noose in the hallway below. Yes, Kenny is absolutely playing checkers with a Garden Gnome. Kenny IS the Pint-Sized Slasher and I’m pretty sure that Gnome is living vicariously through Kenny.
At the bottom of the adjoining zone called Blackdamp Shaft, you can find the unique plushie named Kenny-bear. Do NOT return him to Kenny unless you FIRST remove the psycho Gnome! How do you think Kenny-bear got down there to begin with? Just take Kenny-bear with you, and leave the Pint-Sized Slasher and the Gnome to their games. Kenny-bear should see the wide frontier of the Capitol Wasteland from the zipper-hole of your backpack, not be left the doom of dissolving in a puddle of nuclear goo dripping from a cracked pipe in the ceiling.
Now here’s a real chin-scratcher. There are plenty of objects here that look the part, but which is the legitimate shitter? I’m pretty sure one is a planter. The structural outhouse has a great deal of overgrowth and other indications of disuse (such as the ‘innocent’ gnome laying nearby who we all know is a vicious killer).
No, I am putting my money on the only shitter here Marguerite is gonna be sharing private moments with as being the lovely powder room the third photo. I’m sure that sink whiskey is mostly for mouthwash. So, is this where Marguerite nurses herself back to life every morning she has a hangover?
What say you, Marguerite?
She doesn’t seem to really be up for talking just now. Anyway, ‘round back as you’re heading out, there’s a bathtub full of empty whiskey bottles. I’m sure this moonshiner would say they’re being saved for ‘art projects.’
Soft-spoken GILF and violin virtuoso Agatha has lived alone in this cabin since her husband passed. What a lovely WC she has. Agatha is a lady, and this is where a lady shits.
PS She has submerged a plush bear in her toilet and that’s kind of dark tbh.
This one toes the line of what constitutes a shitter. It has all the standard markings (bucket, shovel and lantern combination), but is stored in a common area.
There’s not much to say about Anise that you don’t already know, because she is basically your average Nord. She’s old, she keeps to herself, she’s a witch, and she shits in a bucket.
This is a special gift from Delvin Mallory, installed for you himself with a designer’s touch. The built-in stone ledge for your toiletries doubles as a cubbyhole for the bucket. Really fancy.
In his Museum of the Lame and Boring, Calixto Corrium has what we might call a “dummy shitter” that this serial killer wants you to THINK is where he craps. Think again. In the bottom photo, which shows the interior of the hidden room at Hjerim, we see the real deal. Calixto dismembers his victims here, also drinks wine and eats friggen cheese and crackers here, and yes shits here too. Nice chamber pot, you filthy misogynist.
You might think, on first glance, that being in the Enclave is a pretty sweet hookup. I mean, check out those bathrooms. Nice industrial design theme going on here. But then, you look closer and get the fright of your life from some Damaged Garden Gnomes.
The first stall door opens to reveal a Gnome wielding a deathclaw hand and pressing a damn flashlight to his face. Next, some dude left a nasty log in one bowl, and another guy prefers to use a bathroom for an office.
Last two pics you see a Teddy who is going to lose his fucking life if he doesn’t play the right moves. Rollover that to see Snidely Gnomelash that got blasted in the face by me before I ran away with his captives. Look at those picket signs! Those are from the Chryslus building!
Tiptoe into this busted throneroom to take a piss while the Supermutants are preoccupied, and you’ll see a true mindfuck. That caution cone on the left of the room really needs to be in front of these two tricksters hiding in the stalls, holding signs that beg you to take them home. Do not pick up and cuddle a Shitter Gnome from Murdertown! Tell me this, Gnomes, if you’re so helpless on your own, how did you make those signs? I checked, but there really are no land mines or rigged shotguns or anything here. Since all Garden Gnomes carry a switchblade, don’t tell them where you live!!
Allistair Tenpenny is a milk drinker with the voice of Herbert the Pervert, and skid marks on the bottom of his bathtub.
Also featured here is the Tenpenny Tower Men’s Room! This could well be the nicest public restroom in all of Washington DC in the year 2277. Electricity, working stall doors, urinals for tall and small, hand dryers, and that flooring. This is the way of life that we fight to protect daily on post-Government, post-Civilization, post-Hope Planet Earth. A posh locale where we may rest our haunches, and take a luxurious dump before succumbing to Radiation Sickness.
This is where Three Dog shits, Awrooo!! Let’s take inventory, shall we? First Aid Kit in case he gets a splinter stroking his ego. Radio so he can hear himself while he poops. And no mirror. He doesn’t have to see his beautiful face to know it’s there.
What the shit? I am, frankly, so disgusted by this blatant rip-off of Sunnytop Station Shitter that I cannot even remember where in the Appalachian wasteland it was. You’re not tempting me with those spices, try as you might. I am loyal to Sunnytop.
Behold. Nestled within the craggy slope behind Larry’s Toxic Meat ‘n Go is a winding, splintery staircase leading to HEAVEN!!!! The crown jewel of this abandoned restaurant-turned-snallygaster-den is a loot-encrusted treasure chest that happens to also be a shitter.
It explains itself.
But in case you wanted some lore on the subject, this is a two-story treehouse with many buildings spanning multiple trees. There are two doorless, bucketless, flooded port-a-potties standing erect in the swamp below, but you couldn’t use them, obviously, since the waters are teeming with anglers, giant glowing radtoads and various waterborne diseases. Thus, the durable janitor-green sentinel we see here. I like that they reinforced the back of it with boards. That’s totally not just a result of the designer half clipping the shitter into the wooden barricade.
This tower facility seems to have been built for a high volume of prisoners, as the cells are quite roomy and there are numerous skeletons littered about. As usual, seems the only things to have really survived the storm and ensuing flood that killed everyone in the prison are… (slow clap) the shitters.
I’m getting mixed signals on morale among prisoners during their final days. Top photo, two shitters parked close together implies these prisoners may have been the ones who plotted a foray into the drain culvert (they left a NOTE!). The bottom pic sadly illustrates the far-reaching cost of The Silent Treatment. Seems someone wasn’t in on the escape plan (see ghost).
The following shitters were submitted by Bucket Brigadier imsopopfly!
Sunken Skull Barrow: I had begun to fear that you would find no more shitters in Skyrim, when I got a bright idea. Why not explore modded content? I have been exploring Falskaar of late in search of shitters to show you. This search has not been fruitless. Behold the first of the shitters I have found. This one is located in Sunken Skull Barrow. Simple, but functional! Also warm, just look how close it is to that nice fire. There’s even reading material! The local necromancers are lucky to have a shitter like this.
Vulkrund Keep: This is Falskaar correspondent imsopopfly reporting live from Volkrund Keep, where I have found a DOUBLE SHITTER. No illusions of privacy here, folks. May offend the sensibilities of the more squeamish among us. Then again, you can’t exactly expect sensibility when the place is run by some crazy necromancer trying to reshape the world with the power of the Daedric lord Vaermina. Honestly this double shitter is the least trippy thing in the entire keep, and a fine place to do your business when you consider the alternative.
Stoneridge Watch: The next shitter from Stoneridge Watch is rather bare-bones, but you can’t honestly expect more in a cell. The folks the bandits here keep prisoner should probably just count themselves lucky that they don’t have to use the floor instead.
These are gems! Thank you, friend! I’m particularly fond of prison shitters. It’s like your only companion sometimes in a jail cell. That bucket is Wilson.
The Orcs of Narzulbur Stronghold show us the two extremes of indoor bucketing, each at opposite ends of the longhouse. One is clean and private, the other is neither.
Septimus Signus, whacky devotee of Hermaeus Mora, lives in a frozen berth just north of the College of Winterhold. Here he has minimal creature comforts, such as an enormous Dwemer puzzle cube, to keep him company. As an old codger, Septimus isn’t going outside to poop in the snow. It’s a constant blizzard out there! So he has this bucket. I believe it’s upside-down as a tribute to how cwazy Septimus has gotten over the decades. I imagine him putting the ewer on top and saying, “Lovely!” Anyway I’d probably store it upside-down too. In that miniature cavern, it may help stifle the stink.
While gnomes are out causing mischief, teddy is here solving problems. This plucky bear is plunging with the arm of the skeleton from the potty next door. Not that the performance of this task would actually do anything to the functioning capability of the shitter, but he’s trying, and therefore no one should criticize him.
Alternate Title: “Are you actually staring me down? You, who gives hard drugs to old ladies, and body armor to dogs with the same hand?”
Submitted by Bucket Brigadier futilexistance! These Raiders know what’s what at Bloodskal Barrow. They moved in to this decrepit structure, and made it home. All they need is some dream catchers, and possibly a railing on the narrow, incredibly dangerous wooden catwalk that wraps around the tower.
They also made efficient use of this ancient burial chamber, complete with kitchen, mini library, bunk quarters and ample lookouts. In addition, as soon as you enter, there’s a bonfire piled high with Draugr. A simple solution to Zombies, and also makes for lazy firewood!
I went to Fort Greenwall at level 7, when it was occupied by Bandits. I ended up running away with my arms over my head shouting, “I just want to photograph your shitter!” I sort of forgot about that place, and today, at level 68 I saw it in the distance and thought, “Today is the day where I witness where y’all do Number 2.”
Since the Imperials are in charge now, I walked right up to the gate and said, “Excuse me, but do you have a public restroom?” Right this way, they replied.
Behold! I know what you’re thinking. That looks an awful lot like Fort Dunstad’s shitter! But what you’re witnessing is the fine and exacting standards of the milk-drinking Imperial military. Notice the Captain’s Quarters has its own chamber pot. You don’t expect the Captain to shit with all the petty officers? If I were this Captain, I would be less interested in the commode situation, and a little more concerned by the sleeping situation. If this doesn’t remind you of some #SochiProblems. That can’t be comfortable. I dare you to sort of casually remark to that last guy, “Yo nice crib dog. Dog. Nice crib.” There’d be a FIGHT.
As you meander along the cavern, as one of the only coherent sentient beings in Redwater Den, you’ll find this clean, well-maintained, relatively-private alcove for paying customers only. If there’s one thing these dope pushers know how to do, it’s making you as comfortable as possible during the Skooma shakes.
Redwater Spring shitter, which is separate from the veritable cattle stalls in Redwater Den. As opposed to the first location, this one is for the Vampires to use. It’s the Executive Bathroom.
They named their camp Cutthroat Camp so you’d know they mean business, but these (deceased) Raiders have a sense of decency. The privacy curtain that enshrouds the commode at this once-proud outpost provides courtesy toward visitors, which is more than I can say for some of these other outhouses. I’m looking at you, Beckwith Farm shitter.
PS There’s a terrifying monkey playing cymbals on this toilet. I don’t think it actually is a booby trap but I couldn’t say for sure because instinct took over and I blew its head off before it had a chance.
There’s no door. Enjoy a creepy doll and a jug of Cranberry Moonshine to make up for there being no door.
At the site of this historic Civil War reenactment, you’ll learn that a shitter is NOT a viable hiding spot from robots.
This gorgeous, top notch pitstop has all the fixings for a truly memorable, gross experience! Get your disgusting radiation-infused noms and dysentery all at once. Revolting.
You have to creep through this train tunnel looking for survivors, but all you’ll find is crispy corpses, mutated bugs, sad little notes left behind and off to the side there’s a glowing green tunnel with a special hidden surprise. “What’s the surprise?” you ask? It’s this wonderful Easter Egg.
Below deck, you’ll find numerous spots to squat. Watch out for Pirate Ghosts!
Don’t want an excess of poo poo stink when you’re down in the mines. Top photo is where the bandits shit. Bottom photo is the cruel conditions under which they force their prisoners to shit! Given the discrepancy in quality between the household bucket vs. the guest bucket, I am going to wager to guess that these bandits didn’t contribute much to the construction of these facilities. They most likely stole it from someone decent, and just stuck their name on it.
This screenshot was submitted by Bucket Brigadier Maven! Is it boarded up for your protection, children?
This is because all Skyrim items are first loaded into the database with their base image as a bucket. They are changed individually based on what the item and item class is supposed to be. However, the last remaining page of the Mysterium Xarxes, here located at the Dawnstar Museum of Dagon, has no burned version of itself in the database. So if you alter it with fire, it becomes a bucket again.
This magical nook is the prettiest place to poop in all of Skyrim! From the fanciful dancing of light on the cave walls, to the inventive use of wooden planks! The first Shitter of Skyrim that I ever found, and my favorite of all time.
A responsible camper always cleans up after his campsite.
This dreadful haunt won Best of the Worst in 2014. How would you like to even glance at a place like this, much less have to use it in an emergency? Epidemic pathogens abound in the alleyway behind Dunwall Distillery. If you ever run into someone who doesn’t give a shit about the rat plague, just have them visit this gruesome squat, and I can guarantee you they will never be able to stop giving a shit from that point forward.
Welcome to the Golden Cat, a ‘gentleman’s bathhouse’ in the Distillery District. Now, I know what you’re gonna say, and I just want to go ahead and stop you from bothering to put on a clean shirt. Because this is how the other half shits. The demure, pristine crystalline plague phlegm fairies of the Golden Cat who delivery military-grade handjobs and electrocution fetishes get into character in this amazing Associates-Only boudoir. Note the numerous amenities that are just some of the incentives to working for Madame Prudence, and you even get a private shitter that really just can’t be surpassed. Gotta have a few Piero’s Spiritual Remedies stocked in that third-world closet for when you’re screaming to Heaven for relief from the hangover.
Here’s a great example of the care and detail that goes into Bethesda Easter Eggs. This port-a-potty is on the grounds of the X3 Quarry in Appalachia. From the outside, it looks like any ordinary shmoe, without a story to tell. But crack that baby open and you’ll find ambiance and gifts! Such as a motivational poster, a Mister Fuzzy hard hat, a cat bowl, and an irradiated fizzy drink. Enjoy.
This no-nonsense, military-grade, multi-bucket latrine is for the use of all genders and races of Tamriel, once you hand it off to the Imperials.
Everybody poops; even necromancers poop. Note the leisure reading, sawdust barrel and scooper.
Here in Riften, the residents of this children’s home are taught proper hygiene by Constance Michel.
The swankiest shitter in Dunwall. This is even nicer than the toilets at the Boyle mansion. There are clean linens laid out for Admiral Farley Havelock to wipe the blood of the Loyalists from his hands. All the utilities work (more than what you can say for the entire city of Dunwall). This interior design really has that ‘Grand and Stately Bullshit Rumored to be Classy’ Look, and it’s ghastly.
Here’s where the Mission to Escape Dunwall Prison begins! The heart of darkness, mere meters from the entrance to the Dunwall Sewers. Here’s Corvo’s cell, starring a City Watch Guard who is keeping my seat warm. Don’t worry, he’s still alive. I only choked him out and set him down to rest on the shitter. Silent and non-lethal, my motto for Dishonored.
This is a miniscule gnome, within a safe deposit box, performing maintenance on a little-ass shitter with an itty bitty-ass plunger. “Have yourself a seat,” he gestures in his squeaky voice, at the mostly broken bowl. You politely wave your hand to indicate No, and he pulls out a switchblade. “I said. Have a seat.”
With a special guest speaker. This man, who would identify himself only as “Tribal,” offers sage wisdom from deep within. He speaks from experience, people.
In Frostmere Crypt, Kyr has his own little home away from home, complete with nook for chamber pot.
Certainly a disappointment after seeing the other military-issue shitters in places like Forts Dunstad and Greymoor. This may prove messy during a siege.
Could not believe my luck when I found this little gem ‘round back of the abandoned-mining-camp-turned-roost-for-Ancient-Dragon, the bones of which you can see in the far background. Incidentally, the Word of Power at this location is part of Aura Whisper. But you know what would be even sweeter? Shitter Whisper.
Khraap.. Bukh.. Ett!
Faldar’s Tooth shitter. While the structure of the tower itself is a real dump, I was relieved to see the shitters were still completely intact. Note the three stalls for maximum output. There’s also a bookshelf on the opposite wall with potions of minor stamina (for when the going gets rough).
Eat shit. (Personally I think this is a side-eye at GMO cereal!)
This fishing shanty from straight out of your nightmares has the works. Rusted slap-shod hut, boats sunken into radioactive muck, and a shitter that makes you hear phantom pipe organ music over the pounding of your heartbeat. As you’re backing away, careful not to trip over the pile of six dead bodies; some fresh, some merely bones.
Genuine Orc crapper. Barely any privacy and I bet sleeping right behind it really stinks! But complaining doesn’t go over well in Orc households.
Valtheim Towers shitter. This bandit hideout is superb in so many ways. Plenty of sleeping space, a cookpot, and it spans the entire river via a sturdy, ancient stone bridge. And it even has a really nice shitter. But I don’t doubt these Raider idiots probably just dump the bucket contents into the river below, when they’re done. Possibly upstream? Well, they don’t have public education in Skyrim.
The shitter at the barracks is minimalist perfection. Point of Information: That’s a Potion of True Shot on the ledge.
This crashed gondola car has been repurposed by these inventive [dead] raiders into a really fancy piss pot! They hauled it all the way up to this rock outcropping for a high-art, high-altitude shitter. This was well worth their trouble, even if they are all dead now and their camp is occupied by Super Mutants, because they left something their descendants could have been proud of. Stephen Hawking said that the only thing that lingers after your death is what you were able to contribute to the world, and this is Seneca Gang’s legacy!
