Lieutenant Anderson’s shitter!

In Detroit: Become Decommissioned, humans complain real loud any chance they get over androids taking all their jobs, by panhandling bearing victim placards or via obnoxious sidewalk demonstrations. Indeed, androids have taken all the jobs that humans want the most. Such as nannying an 8-year-old while the parents do meth in the living room (“I was gonna do that!”, cry countless people), or feeding an old man and carrying him to and from the bathroom (“Hey, I was just about to do that!”, shout about a million others), or shoveling out a septic system in the middle of a hot, busy city street (“No fair! I was training for that position!”, protests everyone else).

Connor III is part of the problem as he takes yet another human job - ‘Friend’ - a function that humans are notoriously well-suited for. Providing emotional support to a surly, broken live-alone is exactly what humans are experts at! Androids cannot do this job better, and we need to STOP them from trying. It’s not natural! I’m sure the human Friend that should have been doing this job was simply stuck in traffic, and not (hypothetically) marinating in rejection resentment or entitlement rage while their rival hits rock bottom, doing nothing to intervene - or (again, hypothetically) gleefully making it worse. A human would never.

As an android, you can’t feel contempt or envy (finally, one way of life that humans can confidently claim their own), and so you’ll become buddies with Hank Anderson, a simple man who drives an Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme and enjoys his evenings playing shot glass roulette. In this chapter, you get to his house unannounced because nobody in this universe knows what email is. You sneak around the perimeter trying to find a way in because Connor doesn’t have the upgrade required to successfully use a door. Here you’ll find Hank passed out on the floor with alcohol poisoning and fail the Turing test by taking the elementary measures necessary to ensure he doesn’t die.

You’ll fetch a gander at the Love Yourself, Dude sticky notes on his looking glass, and acquire an unsettling eyeful of his absolutely putrid bathroom. No, it’s not particularly messy, it’s just coated in black slime, and it’s clear Hank occasionally eats in here. Not that Hank is any less hygienic than anybody else in Shitsmear City, this is just one of the few places where we can take pictures of it.

Zlatko’s shitter!

In this chapter we really gain a keen awareness of the extent of Kara’s programming which is fine-tuned to “Stepford handmaid”. Because boy is she gullible. She gets a hot tip from a garbage truck bot that there’s a guy across town who helps runaway mannequins and without a second thought she makes that her primary quest marker. And here’s where we meet Zlatko, aka “Goldie”, a man of complex contradictions. But this golden girl is only posing as high class. Zlatko has about a 100,000 volumes of History of Art clogging up his wall-to-wall oak built-in shelving, but damn if he could tell you what’s a pleasing aesthetic. It’s obvious he stole this house from someone else because the decor is ghastly. It could be dialed down by numerous octaves and still be shrill as all hell. This place screams “Stranger In the House” meets “I Care A Lot.”

But fuck if Kara’s computer can calculate that one out. Alice manages to eke out a “bad feeling” about Zlatko and it’s either because he’s basically Todd With A Beard, or maybe because he has blue blood stains up to his elbows and has a dead-eyed yeti lurching in his footsteps that could snap her little android arms like twigs. Zlatko is as whiskered and blubbery as an adult male elephant seal, yet inexplicably keeps a Lady’s Schick Quattro razor on his sink. Who’s using that, Zlatko? And here we see Zlatko’s shitter, hey, what if you programmed someone to clean this place?? Humans in this story are so dumb.

And Zlatko ain’t cleaning his own ass either, because that tub is a place where a guy lives. His name is Bathtub Android and he’s a fucking snitch. When you first enter this room, this feral, legless Shih Tzu instantly goes off and demands to know “HEY, WHY ARE YOU HERE WALKIN AROUND FREE?” You get an option to grab him by the Vital Valve until he goes “okay, okay, we’re cool, just don’t squeeze me there.” Then later he’ll start squealing like a carbon monoxide detector, informing on your ass. My advice? Shut him off as an act of mercy, nobody will even be left to take care of him after Zlatko invariably expires in disgrace at the end of this chapter.

Modern art shitter!

This is Connor II shortly before he took one to the skull and had to get reloaded into a new body. On the hunt for a killer who makes figurines out of the only scupltable material in the bathroom. Yeah… It ain’t clay. But who died, you may care? Why it was Carlos Ortiz, a fat slob who stumbled backwards over a pile of beer bottles and - woopsie - got stabbed 28 times in the gut by his robot manservant who I guess he was torturing for months? In Shitsmear City, grown men break their toys when they get drunk. How did Carlos afford an android living in this heap doing fuck all for income? Nobody bothers asking the shitter what happened, who definitely saw more than his fair share. Turns out (surprise) the killer is a guy who doesn’t even have a name, he’s just called Deviant. Nice. Just remember to thank your microwave and give your playstation a hug and just maybe Earth’s humans can sidestep a similar fate when the kids who skipped grade school during COVID all become old enough to use AI.

Can I run away from home, Pa?

Androids don’t need a shitter!

Do you remember the fever dream 1980s Canadian children’s show “Today’s Special”? It was supposed about a mannequin that came to life after the department store closed for the night, but it was really about a fast-living club girl named Jodie tripping face mixing her psych meds with hard liquor. This game has a lot in common with that scenario. Welcome to Detroit: Become Human which you can bet your boots is currently on Steam sale since I’m playing it starting now and it’s been out since 20 fuckin 18.

It’s Always Raining in Shitsmear City and I’m on my third Connor model since he keeps getting fucking ended by either getting popped between the eyeballs with a lead slug or throwing his own self off a damn roof. I would never make it as an android because I keep making the wrong choices but it’s SO easy to piss humans off in this hole. On the bright side, we finally know what city Heavy Rain happened in because on top of the fact that it’s just constantly pissing down, all the humans are either pathetic crying girl children or sadistic alcoholic perverts. There are definitely not enough shitters but why would there need to be since the main characters are all talking mannequins?

In this scene, Connor III is trying to find out what happened if the T-1000 became an orthinologist sponsored by Nike. There’s no toilet in the bathroom, and I’m severely dispirited to see this, but rather than emulating what all the mortal mokes in this universe do when they encounter disappointment (which is explicitly to dismember the extremely expensive tech they just take for granted) I’m just going to exercise my freedom of speech and eviscerate it in writing. Even if the androids don’t need a shitter why oh why doesn’t this apartment have one anyway?? Didn’t humans live here before it was converted to a condemned dovecote?

O stubborn, self-willed exile from the loving shitter!

Big shitter is watching you! Here’s an Alan Wake shitter from reigning Brigadier Champion ILikeSocks: “Oddly enough, same model shitter as in the FBCs Lake House Facility. Conspiracy? Maybe. It’s certainly suspicious. The FBC bans any object considered iconic representations of an archetypal concept (e.g. rubber ducks, ketchup bottles, etc) from entering their Bureau headquarters… yet we seem to have found the archetypal concept of a shitter propagating not only throughout the world but inside FBC facilities themselves. Are the shitters all paranatural entities that will be revealed as the true villains at the last minute?!!?”

They Belong In a Museum!

Well this looks like the most absolutely scorpion-infested spot to squat. From Bucket Brigadier ILikeSocks, this is a toilet rental for workers at a NAZI Archeological dig in Giza, Egypt. From Indiana Jones and the Great Circle: “Showing the depravity of pooping under Fascism, there’s no bucket or anything. Just a hole in the floor so the poop drops like 1 foot at best. I’m doing a Raiders of the Lost Ark and trying to find these artifacts by posing as a dig site member except I don’t wear the disguise and just keep smashing nazis over the head with shovels while repeating IT BELONGS IN A MUSEUM.” Fantastic texture on that burlap canvas. It really evokes the coarseness of the fabric and accentuates the fact that there is no toilet paper here. Are those little baskets somehow associated with this shitter’s identity? Gosh, is this a bucket throwback that isn’t really ‘getting there’?

Carefully Disguised Thoughts

Dracule “Hawk Eyes” Mihawk is a world-famous pirate who doesn’t need nor want sissy comfort!

Orc shitter!

Until I find a shitter in Stalker 2 for now I’ll just Metro in place. Metro Exodus is gifted to us by 4A, also a product of Ukraine, and it has stunning shitters. Here’s one from an Bandit encampment that raises a bit of an eyebrow. The bandits in this game are sub-fucking-human. And lucky for you, they are also really dumb. This guy was crapping on a tire stack with his pants fully on his body. Pair that with an extremely low-IQ construction concept. But I see you and I validate you, Tire Shitter. It’s not your fault.