USS Constitution shitter!

Oh no, it’s fully submerged in filthy, radioactive water and can never be restored! Unless somehow this swampy water can be drained?? This is the shitter at the site of the USS Constitution, a heavy frigate-turned-museum-turned-robot charging station-turned-rocketship. The entire area is being stalked by a scavenger gang led by Mandy Stiles, a rough sort who has a perpetual bitch face and shitty attitude. No judgment, I’d look like that too if the scrap I could actually use to rebuild human civilization was being guarded by a fucker named Captain Ironsides, a sentry bot roleplaying as a 18th-century naval captain. I always side with the scavs on this one. Robots took over the USS Constitution but they were created to serve the people and NOT to hoard resources while the PEOPLE scrounge for bits of wire like common, ferret-faced crackheads. Anyway, the robots are all talk. You could disable them with a fork in a heavy downpour.

In this view, the shitter has been fully redacted and the rest of the fixtures no longer have functioning levers of power. Unfortunate. I guess this is what happens when you take something precious for granted, something that everyone who came before you worked hard for and even died to protect. You could rebuild a new shitter out of the rubble, and it might work, but it won’t really ever be the same.

Lizzie’s Bar shitters!

Holaaaaaaaaaaaa Brigade! These shitters caught my eye on my way to visit Judy Álvarez, my number one input/output who has a workshop at Lizzie’s Bar. This establishment’s proprietress, Elizabeth “Lizzie” Borden, was a pimp who ran afoul of the Tyger Claws. Predictably, this caused her “Alive” passive trait to become deprecated. Not preem. Getting ended by the Tyger Claws is close to dying from athlete’s foot so that’s embarrassing. You can actually get a pink handgun named after Lizzie that, unlike Lizzie herself, seems to be BIS for tech pistols. It’s whatever. She was a melee boss but yeah okay a tech pistol named Lizzie. Anyway right as I was documenting this landmark, I got this text from Jackie Welles. I have a feeling if I ever got a text from that cráneo hueco I’d probably just swipe the preview off my screen and remember it again right before falling asleep. I’m not huge on chroming Jackie Welles. I don’t have bad feelings toward him necessarily, but let’s just say, when he died, I didn’t care. Plus his girlfiend is so weird, her mop helmet is hidge, and that Gibson on which she bases her entire personality conveniently dipped before Jackie fell from a hotel window while being shot.

Cyberpunk cosplay by Shark Flower

We’re in space for crying out loud

Close to Retirement shitter!

I don’t know where in STALKER 2 this shitter was found by bucket brigadier Alec, but here she is, she’s mean, she’s mad, she’s encrusted in radioactive crud, she’s built into the floor. She is a tough old bitch. She’s this close to retirement. She doesn’t have time for your drama, she’s thinking about that 3% withdrawal rate from her pension. If the bank still exists when the time comes. Yeah, maybe this shitter doesn’t flush but you actually don’t need it to. If you take a minute to actually pay attention and learn something from this elder, you’d see that the u-bend just empties out into the ground without any water at all. She’s working, even in these conditions, that’s what makes her a valued legacy Exclusion Zone installment.

Terran Biomass shitter!

“Something stinks”, and it’s brimstone! This unit… cannot be controlled! This shitter may technically be Terran, but she’s an untamed free spirit and she is no sweetie-pie, buster. This shitter’s Tamagotchi is a Behelit. She’s got a tattoo of a snake eating a pomegranate and one of those dual-chain piercings across the nasal supratip. She smokes cloves and studies Hemomancy at the University of Metaphysics. She’s probably a fire-spinner and she’ll definitely steal your phone. The only sugar she has for you is what she dumped in your gas tank and it was YOUR fault! This shitter is not the one. Plan on shitting behind that boulder if you don’t want trouble.

This StarCraft 2 shitter has been submitted by Bucket Brigadier Lotus!

Shamrock Taphouse shitters!

If you collect pre-war tech, you’re definitely going to want to get your hands on Drinkin’ Buddy. He’s Teddy Ruxpin with a fatty liver. You can find him at the Shamrock Taphouse at Boston Harbor where he is being unappreciated by illiterate, greasy thugs. On your way to rescue your new best friend, you’ll find these shitters. The men’s room has been refitted as a sculpture garden with a sort of frat house-style, makeshift bar and is protected by an explosive device. Since there are no ladies for miles, the ladies room has been repurposed as a bunk for this singular “lucky” loser. It is conveniently shituated (typo and I’m keeping it), but it hasn’t seen bleach in two bennies and this whole place is crumbling into splinters.

Med-Tek Research shitters!

Radiation poisoning is one thing but what you really wanna watch out for is this green shit permeating the air at Med-Tek Research. Creepy! In 2287 this place is still in lockdown because it seems one or more of its permanent residents tried to escape containment back in 2077. This made the security system go WEE OO WEE OO and ever since then the doors don’t open. Makes sense, the bombs deprived this world of DeVry University, IBM SkillsBuild, Thinkful, and University of Phoenix Online so nobody knows how to execute “sudo systemctl stop lockdown.service –now” anymore. It then falls to you, a hero out of time, to successfully terminate the lockdown protocol and gain access to the nifty crap still trapped inside.

In the first pic, we see what happened to one of the scientists who didn’t escape the lab, which looks pretty awful, I’ll give you that. Of course, it’s nothing compared to what happened to the guy who DID escape but wrote a novella about how he never found his wife again. I’ll leave it up to you if you want to cry yourself into smithereens and read that story on the wikia. Anyhoo, check out the second picture with a hover image that is too adult for the internet! Surprise, it’s a cartoon dick made from a ladle and billiard balls. Though the shitstorm happening at Med-Tek may have robbed these epidemiologists of their skin, it was not able to rob them of urge to be immature mere moments beforehand. Gaming Thrones holds space for this story. INSPIRED!

What tha haaaellll…..?

East Boston Preparatory School shitter!

Yeah, this is the shit I’m talking about. This is school like I remember it, this is the harsh, cruel reality. Multiplication tables, long division, state capitols, being forced to play the recorder, and shitting in an ice-cold steel bucket behind bars on a layer of plywood. This particular slapshod court is presided over by Judge Zeller who, wielding his architect’s pen like a cudgel, repurposed this location into a ruffian prison stuffed to the gills with kidnapped peddlers. Raiders XOXO Traders, not the way they should because they could probably get a sweet deal on a steady supply of Sugar Bombs if they were a little nicer to them.