We’re Definitely Brewing Poison shitter!

This is the ladies’ room right outside of Professor Fig’s classroom where a shitter has been employed as an adjunct Potions professor. You know Hogwarts made that shitter audit all its classes because “shitters can’t get Ph.Ds” and then paid it the entry-level salary of a TA or some crap, because it is clearly brewing something sketchy as an act of sedition. No no, Headmaster, this potion can certainly be consumed, it’s just that it can only be consumed once.

The Four Mystical shitters of Hogwarts!

By the Tomes! Behold, the four mighty Houses of Magic that form the foundation of the Wizarding World! Clockwise from the top left, they are as follows:

Gryffindor! Only the purely brave and daring could find this shitter that has three entrances, and how many bathtubs with zero privacy? This is crap, sorry, this is like the same conditions the kids in Annie were dealing with. Just because it’s carven wood and bronze dolphin-shaped doorknobs doesn’t make it lux.

Next the sinister shitter of Salazar Slytherin! There’s a special faucet in here that has been vandalized and we all know what that’s for. Idk, it just looks like Pointy S to me. What is going on with that situation in the stall? This isn’t any place to read quietly or study or learn, it’s in a dungeon, but the flowers do make it kinda nicer. Another shitter in this same spot is a Puddlemere United superfan with posters plastered all over it.

Third we see the best shitter ever from the best house of all, Ravenclaw of course. Shiny! The bathtubs are the best in the entire map, no contest. They have private alcoves with sparkly curtains and places to keep towels right next to the tubs, really making Gryffindor look like a subclass of Barbarian by comparison. In a move that ought to scandalize a small subset of the population, I was able to gain entry into both the men’s and the ladies’ rooms. They each have shitter stalls with a special glyph etched onto the frames. I am pretty sure it’s a way to send secret messages between the rooms. “D-O Y-O-U H-A-V-E T-P”, for instance.

The last one is just what you’d expect. No shitter for Hufflepuff. If that’s your house, I’m sorry, you got screwed once again.

Shortcut shitter!

Right near the Hogwarts clock tower there’s this shitter that has bettered itself with a major in Culinary Arts with a minor in Business Administration and has opened a cafe. A very pretty place with quiet ambiance, antiqued bronze fixtures, richly embroidered cushions, yet I’m not super jonesed about those books which are flagged and teetering unsettlingly close to the supporting character (the cake). This is certainly a time-saver, but at what cost? Would you eat a shitter cake?

All Hogwarts Legacy shitters represent $5 donations (each) to Plan International USA, dedicated to initiatives that uplift gender equality in global sanitation.

Speakeasy shitter!

Due to supply chain issues in the Otherworld, the shitters are making their own 100 proof Coping Syrup.

Collapse of Everything We Hold Dear shitter!

This location on Sumati (in the Narion system) is procedurally-generated. Nevertheless, the bleak scene of utter calamity hits like a punch to the gut. Out here in the cold, dark reaches of the universe this brave soldier was deployed to serve, to uplift humanity perched on the very rim of untold discovery. Never complaining, only eager to contribute, he sacrificed all for the cause of exploration, innovation, and maybe a little adventure. We can only imagine that he became a close confidant of this scientist, who died alongside him when this observation tower collapsed and submerged them both in cosmic dust.

Mid-Life Metamorphosis shitter!

When the world ended, most people and things ended with it, either because they got vaporized by hydrogen bombs or because their jobs were all eliminated and they couldn’t figure out what to do with themselves next. But not this intrepid shitter, who took one look at the plumbing that was no longer running, the plumbers that were now skeletons, and the plumbing trade unions that were now raider factions wielding sections of pipe as weapons and said, “Somewhere, there’s a new world of purpose for me.” Armed with only her courage, this shitter picked herself up out of the rubble and completely reinvented herself. Ok, so her tank is gone, but look, she’s literally holding down the fort at this campsite. When the world told this shitter she no longer had any value she got herself a whole new career. They all said she was crazy, but baby, maybe you gotta be a little bit crazy to do something wild and brave. And if you think this shitter glances backward even for a second, you’re wrong, kiddo. She’s not the type to ring up her old frienemies just to let them know she’s all right, better than all right, that she’s got a sweet little life she fought like hell for. This shitter is the type to say, “Let them die wrong about me.”

And yes I’m playing Fallout again, I’m missing like 15 achievements.

SPOILER ALERT: Secret shit ahead!

From Bucket Brigadier ILikeSocks, this Pacific Drive shitter comes with secrets! “There’s a shitter in the garage that is protected by a 4 digit keypad, for story reasons, with a hidden passage that activates when you use the hand drier.” Think of it as a reward for actually washing your mitts. Take notice because shitters are #DoingMorein2024: This shitter did the smart thing and took advantage of the money they received from the CARES Act to get trained as a security guard.

Nathaniel’s shitter!

Nathaniel is a guy who is hyper religious as an after-effect of experiencing police brutality. You go here while playing as Electronic Policeman Norman Jayden, and your natural instinct is to say “Yeah, I’ll definitely make this worse,” as one of your actual options is to END THIS MAN’S LIFE because he’s being a bit loud - or get him help? Because those are the two types of police. The rest of the apartment is absolutely encrusted with crucifixes - encrucifixed - except for the bathroom where there are none. This is because the shitter itself is a refuge from evil that cannot be made more perfect. It is entirely sinless, irreproachable, without fault, and the place where you go when you want to experience sanctity on this Earth. Saint Bowl is a bit filthy but that’s only because it is also so humble. We could all learn a LOT from this shitter.

Lauren Winter’s shitter!

Don’t let this five-star glam shitter fool you. Its caretaker is a mess. This shitter is looked after by Lauren Winter, a woman with zero muscles in her neck and sits or walks with a permanent slouch. We are led to infer that her former child, Johnny, was approximately 9 years old but in all his pictures he looks like he could have been Sick Boy’s stunt double. Possibly due to a steady in vitro diet of booze and cigarettes. We are supposed to be rooting for this bitch as she’s basically the story’s hero, I’m not, a slime mold could have beat her to solving the crime. And no, The Oaf is not the hero, he just has the most screen time. Ok, let’s face it, nobody in Heavy Rain is particularly brilliant, not even RoboCop Norman Jayden who has the power of SCIENCE on his side.

BACK TO THE SHITTER, this art deco starlet is like the rose from Beauty and the Beast - Encased in a protective glass gazebo-like cloche, and treated as a shrine where Lauren bedazzles it out with trinkets from her party days. Dahling, this shitter wears an impeccable fur cape and matching hat, and is surrounded at all times by a soft petal-tinted light. She has pink and white gauzy curtains to obscure her nobility from uncultured onlookers. Probably not shitter royalty, but at the very least a marchioness. Perhaps the cousin of a marchioness.

Away! This is Raphael’s personal shitcan!

This shitter belongs to Raphael, a smoldering hot Demon Lord who looks like he smells like willowbark aftershave and clean laundry I am HERE FOR IT. His silver-plated plop pot is guarded by this man - Unclean Eternal Debtor - who has the enviable employment as “its admirer, protector, its one true beloved.” Fuck’s sake, man. Get some help. UED dances around it a bit and keeps spectators at a respectful distance. This shitter is everything. A pilgrimage locus, a philosopher’s stone, an anchor point for the shreds of sanity all while holding an exalted position in government!

This shitter is a contender for the 2024 Blue Bowl Awards.

Not Me, Not Today shitter!

Yes, Disasterpiece is both the name of this quest and theme of this mess and we are all saying “Not Me.” Wilson!!!!!!!!! This shitter deserves the Last Friend in the World trophy for the work it is doing holding the entire room together. It’s situated as the lawgiver, counselor, and priest for the eight damned souls who would be sardined into this hokey. This shitter would score ESTJ on the Myers-Briggs. Incredible that there is also a sink, which brings the sanitation level of this prison shitter to ‘ultra-rare.’

NukaWorld Funhouse shitter!

Ready for some FUN?! The world has gone all topsy-turvy! I have to ask you to try not to shriek … with delight! at this Clown Shitter, which is truly a testament to the brilliance of Bethesda Game Studios circa 2016. The Funhouse is a linear maze of optical illusions, including corridors of mirrors, and a room with a spinning floor with doors all along the walls and if you were to actually grab one of the doorknobs with your hand to try to open it while the room is spinning you’d probably dislocate your shoulder. You know, generic funhouse shit. And there’s this area, which is modelled after a suburban house, except the furniture is glued to the ceilings and walls. The best part of all is of course the shitter. Thank you to the designer that decided this needed to be here. Because it absolutely does.