Yay! It’s story time with Gran-Gran!

The Classism is Built Right In to the shitters!

Vault-Tec has been guilty (documented) of many crimes, some of which include eugenics, child abuse, elder abuse, systemic racism, corporate proxy warfare, treason, chemical warfare, psychological torture, and various globally-banned experimental sciences like hybrid biology of plants and animals alike, but ain’t it just like Vault-Tec to have something else fucked up they did that we learn about 200 years later?

Ever get to Park Street Station? Take a look at this shit. The upper section is a subway, as you might expect, and here’s that shitter there. Take note: No privacy, busted, broken, there’s a CORPSE. There’s a provisional BUCKET. And then - downstairs? In the back rooms? - Vault 114 has all the amenities you’d expect from civil sanitation including privacy curtains and shiny stainless steel appliances. Hell they give you the Abraxo right on the seat like it’s already clean but if you did want it a little cleaner here’s some Abraxo. Vault 114 has traits of Stage 3 Hoarding with an abundance of shitters in storage, just waiting for their moment, even if I did get ghoul blood on that one. What was their plan? Everyone else can shit on the ground and Vault-Tec gets to keep the nicest shitters left in existence? Guess we can tack institutional classism onto the wiki pages of all their egregious transgressions. Fuck Vault-Tec!

Back Alley Bowling shitters across the wasteland!

Just south of the Rook Family house on the Commonwealth’s East Coast, there’s a lil’ oceanside shitter with a sink on the side of it! I’m a huge fan of sanitation facilities with set-apart sinks, and it looks like this shitter might actually have been mostly for the use of whoever was running this little ticket booth. The shitter itself has been understandably traumatized by WORLD WAR III, and as a result barricaded itself inside the splintery shanty surround. While you can’t open the stall door, if you ask really nicely you can say hello through the massive gap in the stall dividers.

Notice the poster for Back Alley Bowling! Let’s take a look at those shitters while we are on the subject, shall we? Like someone fired a junk cannon full of bowling balls right through the damn walls.

Malden Center shitters!

Damn, next time you try to kill a shitter, you better make sure he’s dead because when the side of Malden Center subway opens up like some crate out of Carfax Abbey to reveal an entombed shitter who is very much alive and pissed, you’ll be wishing you did! And, in case you were thinking about going swimming DO NOT, because if you can read, there is deep cold water here. Actually, just leave these shitters alone. They obviously do not want to pestered, and have been through so much. Although I will say the dandelion yellow tile is rather cheerful.

Post-war OSHA

Mid-Life Metamorphosis shitter!

When the world ended, most people and things ended with it, either because they got vaporized by hydrogen bombs or because their jobs were all eliminated and they couldn’t figure out what to do with themselves next. But not this intrepid shitter, who took one look at the plumbing that was no longer running, the plumbers that were now skeletons, and the plumbing trade unions that were now raider factions wielding sections of pipe as weapons and said, “Somewhere, there’s a new world of purpose for me.” Armed with only her courage, this shitter picked herself up out of the rubble and completely reinvented herself. Ok, so her tank is gone, but look, she’s literally holding down the fort at this campsite. When the world told this shitter she no longer had any value she got herself a whole new career. They all said she was crazy, but baby, maybe you gotta be a little bit crazy to do something wild and brave. And if you think this shitter glances backward even for a second, you’re wrong, kiddo. She’s not the type to ring up her old frienemies just to let them know she’s all right, better than all right, that she’s got a sweet little life she fought like hell for. This shitter is the type to say, “Let them die wrong about me.”

And yes I’m playing Fallout again, I’m missing like 15 achievements.

Covenant shitter!

Yoo-hoo, sweetie! Down here and pressed all the way up against the concrete barricade is a shitter who does not want to be seen with Covenant’s anti-synth tomfuckery. She is ready to scale this wall with her lunchpail and the town’s most valuable item, KNOWLEDGE, which is buried within a single Overdue Book. She is ready to be OUT of this mental prison! Once you take over this town and kick out (read: kill) the Fascist squatters, you can decorate this alley and make it look really nice back there for this shitter. She has been through a lot and deserves some beauty.

Greenbriar Bunker shitter!

For like two hundred years or some shit this radio signal has been broadcasting for two oldsters camped in the safety of a bunker but who couldn’t leave because of the creatures. They died down here (see second image) but thank hell they had this shitter to maintain order during this terrible ordeal. Here’s the question, Brigade - Is this a prison shitter? Is that shitter a Wilson? Perchance a little of both.

Shitters Needing Support

Ever get to Hardware Town? You know, the place where you’d normally buy all kinds of DIY shit to buff up your domicile, like lumber and flooring? In this case the VERY STORE needs to look inward because it desperately needs to do the work. The top images are from the showroom. Yes, these shitters were for exhibit only. Back in the day, these were the preeminent shitters that people from all over came to gawk at and admire. Now look at them. A fall from grace, but the shitters did nothing wrong.

The bottom pictures are the employee and customer restrooms at Hardware Town. These are not for show, yet here we are. Excuse me, but what sort of bullshit is going on in the employee restroom, with the 2 urinals and the toilet facing directly at them? Bob Villa doth weep! This is not a good look for Hardware Town. Lastly, those customer toilets are barely hanging on by a thread. Needs a couple caution cones, maybe a sign saying “DO NOT STEP HERE!” And we can learn something from this distressing display. The shitters here could not be crushed beneath the iron fist of nuclear annihilation, which is certainly encouraging.

But this isn’t scary at all

I know what you’re thinking. “What descent into madness?” Can you really call it that, when you have a friend like this for your spirit guide? Look at it, cheerfully waiting to usher you down into the bowels of this stinking pit, where you’ll meet a lunatic who is a pleasure to know. Lorenzo Cabot! He may as well be the Lord of the Underworld, at least in this universe, as he’s the closest to undead without being a ghoul that you’re likely to meet. And he’s so grateful for your help in escaping this shithole, gives you permanent stat buffs for the rest of the game. Can’t really beat that.

Bobbi’s Swiss Army shitter!

Do you aspire to be an alt-legitimate businesswoman, and to one day tunnel into an administrative treasury building? Take a leaf out of of the playbook of Bobbi No-Nose, the steely-eyed ghoul bitch who fucking hates the post-apocalypse Boston government. She’s a couple hundred years ahead of you, so if you wanna get on Bobbi’s level, the first thing you’ll need to do is hire a couple of patsies to do your dirty work. Queens do not sully their own hands.

Unfortunately for Bobbi, the patsy she hires is you and in the course of digging right into the crumbling, decaying bedrock of a once-great city, you kind of completely ruin Bobbi’s plans and her entire life. What makes this so tragic is Bobbi isn’t even worse than any of the murderers, assholes, pill pushers and mafiosos in the Wasteland. If not for the sidequest, this calculating entrepreneuse could have made it into the record books and gotten away with the heist of the millenium!

And where did our #WomanInTech cook up the blueprint for that heist? Right here is where the magic happens, baby! A home office that is also a secure place for stolen goods, also a storage facility, also a fucking pigsty for random garbage and also a SHITTER! Anyone who works from home knows if you want to get anything done you need that shitter close to your workstation and Bobbi closes the gap with this ludicrous life hack.

Goodneighbor Treasury shitter!

Wanna see something fucked up? This is what you’ll find in the N&M Freight Depot, the place Bobbi No-Nose tunnels to find the TRUE treasure of Goodneighbor. A secluded shitter, the perfect place to hide from the world, have a smoke, and think about how precious life is.

All Are Welcome

NukaWorld Funhouse shitter!

Ready for some FUN?! The world has gone all topsy-turvy! I have to ask you to try not to shriek … with delight! at this Clown Shitter, which is truly a testament to the brilliance of Bethesda Game Studios circa 2016. The Funhouse is a linear maze of optical illusions, including corridors of mirrors, and a room with a spinning floor with doors all along the walls and if you were to actually grab one of the doorknobs with your hand to try to open it while the room is spinning you’d probably dislocate your shoulder. You know, generic funhouse shit. And there’s this area, which is modelled after a suburban house, except the furniture is glued to the ceilings and walls. The best part of all is of course the shitter. Thank you to the designer that decided this needed to be here. Because it absolutely does.

Silver Shroud shitter!

Listen up, dollface, you’re gonna be a star! Hear me? And we gotta special dressing room ready for you, this is gonna knock your socks clean off, see? Just wait’ll ya see this, kid. Of course it’s private! But you know one or two of us might need to sneak in there to use the toilet now and then. Atta girl, you’re a real team player kiddo! Just mind the splintered floor boards and the ghouls of course and I’ll show you around the joint!

Ya just put cha coat heah, ya gotcha comic books heah, it- it’s ..carpeted, it’s state-of-the-art carpeting, too! Look how textured it is! And just look at this soundproofing! Ain’t nothin’ gettin’ through bricks, kid. All right we’ll leave ya here to get settled in. Welcome to Hollywood!

OK?

Fallout 4 Screenprint, by Cristian Eres.

Extra! Extra! Cute Teddy Bear takes a shit at the End of the World!

Far Harbor Campgrounds shitter!

How would you like to camp out at this unmarked location in Far Harbor? There’s a super spooky shitter for you to use, and the Stachybotrys is absolutely free.

These sinks probably open a hidden passageway to the Chamber of Secrets!

“Super Mutant Orders”

It wasn’t the bomb. The wait is what killed them.

Shitter Shack!

This unexpected, private bathroom is in an unmarked location near a shack north of Ten Pines Bluff. It’s right on the shores of a super-irradiated pond of runoff water, which will kill you pretty quickly if you stray too close. Inside is a shitter and a creepy mannequin who will watch you. The newspaper is serving double duty. First you can read about the moronic dramas of times gone way by, then you can use the paper for the only real purpose it has left. Finally, you may wonder how they wired a lamp to work all the way out here, but your wonders will be replaced with the sads when you find the corpse of some guy in this here tub. Marvelous.

TESLA Science Magazine, Issue 1.

Sanctuary Hills custom shitter!

Fallout 4’s Settlement functions allow the player to add many fun, creative structures to claimed towns. Here’s a shitter I made in Sanctuary Hills. Now I know that the plumbing wouldn’t really work, but if you pretend that it would, you’d probably use that enamel bucket to bring water to the bowl to make it flush. The boxes and stuff are for all kinds of supplies you’ll need in an open-air shitter such as this (tp, antibacterial soap, and a .44 to fend off the radroaches). There’s some lovely decor, including a rug that ought to keep down the radioactive vines and stuff. The ash tray is handy for burning some incense after you’re done to keep it smelling OK. Building this for my settlers gave me a feeling of satisfaction, however, I felt that it was total bullshit that that crafting a custom shitter, with love, did nothing to improve their overall happiness.

Huh. Do you think this was a good job, or a safe job?

Valentine’s Day is approaching, so rev your romance engines with this prose from Griswold, Poet Laureate in the year 2287. If this doesn’t convince you that nuclear decimation of the human race is a really bad thing, I don’t know what will, but this is what’s left in humanity’s Talent Coffer once everyone else has been blown to cinders.

The first pictures are selections from Griswold’s Poetry Journal. These detail a saga of Griswold’s reflections on his greatness, and contemplations of Sue.

The last picture here is Sue’s. Likely the only eligible female in this raider camp of Monsignor Plaza, she has her own thoughts on Griswold.

“Pull the lever, Kronk.”

Abernathy Farm shitter!

It was never clear to me why Raiders were always harassing Abernathy Farm. I mean, aside from the fact that Raiders are simple-minded assholes who crush anything good, but Abernathy Farm doesn’t even have a decent shitter. This craptastic pile of broken porcelain is the only thing close to one, and it’s located just outside the boundaries of the farm.

Screw you, Kyle.

MacCready and Piper cosplay by Vault Fox.

“Well first of all, through the Brotherhood all things are possible, so jot that down.”

“No, I don’t eat deathclaws, cause, uh, it’s not a meal for peasants, it’s a meal for kings, and I’m sort of a common wastelander.”

Winner! of the prestigious 2015 Brown Ribbon!

Sunshine Tidings Co-op shitters!

The winner of the coveted Brown Ribbon of the Year award in 2015 was this REALLY nice wooden outhouse at Sunshine Tidings Co-op. As you can see, this shitter is top-notch, with potential for a bright future. The elevated nature of this stall lends itself to superior protection against pests such as radroachs and molerats while you’re having a moment alone.

There is another notable shitter on the property that I have photographed and documented here, and which is a terrible sty. The metal shack features some splintery boards perched atop cinder blocks, and an accompanying rusted metal bucket. Creative, but a definite no-go. And are settlers expected to bathe here? My companion, Preston Garvey, obviously blurted out this non sequitur before he took a peek inside.

Commonwealth Shitter, “Flamingo with Dude.”

Alternate Title: “Are you actually staring me down? You, who gives hard drugs to old ladies, and body armor to dogs with the same hand?”

The flawless comedy of Fallout 4 bathroom humor.