Suffolk County Charter School shitters!

This is a shitter of fear because when I found the ghoul nearby it made this weird squiggle noise that really spooked me! Now I don’t mean to brag, but I went to public school, and we turned out fine, enjoying 4-inch cheese pizza pucks with little pints of skim milk alongside our Fahrenheit 451 and PEMDAS. Meanwhile these charter school dandies were gobbling down fancy pink goo puree, squinting hard, playing with faceless dolls and meeping out “Who’s Calvin Coolidge?”

Yes, I know these bowls aren’t hooked up to anything, but this is the best you’re gonna get at the Suffolk County Charter School. I don’t know who this skeleton was who thought hiding down here was the best course of action, but at least he had 3 shitters to keep him company while waiting around to become bones, not using that Stealth Boy to actually leave and get to real safety. Perchance he was a student! Or, simply could not get enough of that perfectly seasoned pink goo, part of Vault-Tec’s Nutritional Alternative Paste Program! Num num num!

Boston Mayoral shitter!

When the bombs fell a lot of people lost their shit, and pretty much everyone lost their jobs except this shitter who was made interim Mayor of Boston while his predecessor gave up in a bathtub nearby. Remarkable. You can actually see the transfer of power in this historic photo, wherein the erstwhile mayor has pinned the official title on the shitter via the holotape left on the closed lid. In essence, the contents of the mayor’s final message to the Commonwealth was (spoiler alert) “Stay fresh, cheese bags!” This bitch was out of here. Good luck, everybody else, including his wife and children. Harsh, but just what you should expect from figureheads we hire to smile stiffly (and apologize weakly when they fail to avert tragedies). But this shitter is different. He followed through. Taxes DID get lower, the very minute he took office. However, hazardous emissions irrevocably increased - and that’s gonna sting at the debate!

Mass Pike Interchange shitter!

Anyone would be delighted to stumble across this survival bunker with everything you could need - a place to sleep, stow your gear, take a shit in near-privacy, and read comics. This is a hard-won sanctuary, as this shitter is being held hostage by notorious Winlock and Barnes, gunner commanders in power armor. I mean they don’t have to be in power armor. If you sneak enough, they will just be chilling in their regular human armor (potato-toned flesh!) which is much easier to puncture. I recommend that approach, since there will also be an Assaultron and other miscellaneous goons present at this overpass bullet rave.

Back to the shitter, who is being held hostage. After busting through the security and freeing her, you are rewarded with the shitter’s priceless heirloom: The last surviving copy of Grognak the Barbarian: Fatherless Cur!, which bestows an unarmed/melee +5% critical perk. Don’t be intimidated by the whole messy, complicated love triangle between MacCready, Winlock, and Barnes. Being a fatherless cur isn’t actually all that terrible, and both of those idiots have (tattooed on their damn foreheads) the most common blood types in the universe, so they’re really not all that special. Just average, angry meat.

Cabot House shitter!

The Cabot family was one of the OG pirates who, back in the 1700s, took a liking to the shores of the new world and decided they weren’t ever going to leave. And in 2287, they’re still fucking here, but instead of leeching off the native land they’re leeching off their own grandpa, Lorenzo Cabot, who I guess can make a green immortality juice from his own blood?? Absolutely savage elder abuse. But their house is full of super nice stuff; a billiards room kitted out with bourbon and clean couches, a crazy lab with tons of working diagnostic displays, and archeological relics, such as a Hittite block. But mostly, it’s practically the only place other than a Vault that isn’t covered in radioactive crud. All this can be yours once you help Lorenzo retake his position as patriarch and eliminate the others. Damn, yet another family of veritable vampires. And the nicest thing they have is this shitter, which boasts fluffy white towels, a full roll of TP, shiny hardware, and a toilet with a push-button flush mechanism. It’s pretty nice, but if it was my place, I’d probably put up wallpaper. And I don’t know about you, but I don’t think I could bring myself to touch that nasty old newspaper, even if reading while on the toilet helps things move along faster.

Reeb Marina shitter!

Ah, the shitty of brotherly love! This one is located at the Commonwealth’s Reeb Marina, where twin brothers Eugene and Malcolm died through a lethal dose of spite. Yeah, some say blood is thicker than irradiated water but whoever said that didn’t have a family that would kill each other out of merely being annoyed and irritated. In Eugene’s case, Malcolm was so fed up by him that he boobytrapped a birthday cake to trigger a trio of Mr. Handy to attack anything in the room.

We find some of the evidence of their strife in this shitter, where a scrawled toilet-themed note can be found. Hover the image to see Malcolm’s response. I wonder what finally did it for Malcolm? What sort of mistreatment could have been simmering over the decades to inspire him to finally snap? We already know Eugene hated the way Malcolm drank coffee, and would scream shrilly when Malcolm didn’t do just as he commanded. But perhaps Eugene also enjoyed pointing out that Malcolm was never Mother’s favorite. Perhaps Malcolm was always forced to wear Eugene’s old crappy, ripped hand-me-downs, just because his parents were “over it” by the time it was Malcolm’s turn to discover what it meant to be “cool.” Or perhaps Eugene just picked Malcolm apart at every turn, from his hobbyist interest in writing adventure stories, right down to his rather ordinary affection for kittycats.

Who can say. But in case you were wondering, the reason I’m so sure Eugene wasn’t some kind of misunderstood saint is because the nearby computer stores a diary entry proving he actually also tasked the Mr. Handies, but to kill Malcolm, five full days prior.

Most Wanted shitter!

This raider shitter wasn’t always part of a gang. Heck, he sure didn’t start out in a life of crime. This wayward shitter was raised in the suburbs, with clean values and a rigid schedule. His days were dotted with Abraxo scouring powder (and, occasionally, Abraxo Drain Cleaner). Doing what he was told and never questioning authority, just as American porcelain squat pots are best known for, through and through. And then, the bombs fell. And likewise, so did his morals! A descent into the disused subway tunnels, the criminal underworld! What would mother say! Ignore that dead chump totally ruining my shot. His story is over. But this shitter’s story lives on. And perhaps, let us judge not. Perhaps this grimy, brutal, lawless life is where this shitter was, at long last, truly valued.

Public Spectacle shitter!

If you make it out to Spectacle Island and clear it of mutant lobsters, you can build a town here! It’s never quite explained HOW the supply lines can make it across the water but I’m sure it’s something like what happens in Oregon Trail. I always set up settlers dressed up like a baseball team out here. This is the public shitter that you find already constructed. You can break it down and build a nicer one if you want, or you can leave it here as an homage to days gone by. I know this looks like some sick form of punishment, but who can say what these skelebones were doing here before they died in the big flash? Maybe they were celebrating a birthday!

No Thanks shitters!

Yefim Dobrov and his brother Vadim co-manage the Dugout Inn of Diamond City, where they’ll offer you a place to crash (for caps). There’s no reason to ever stay here, much less anywhere in Fallout 4 since you don’t actually need to sleep EVER, but if you did rent a room here, these are the shitters you’d find. Huddling together for comfort in a dismal alcove, with garbage pulled up around them for shelter, like a litter of whimpering trash kittens. Inexcusable. There might not be radroaches at this motel, but this is certainly enough for me to call a concerned citizens’ helpline, or the Department of Pre-War Standards & Lavatory Ethics (report code: BROWN ALERT)!

Dry Rock Gulch shitter!

These shitters are located in the wild and whacky funpark known as Nuka-World, in the Dry Rock Gulch theatre which is a fubar nodule off the main fubar park area. I guess sharing an outhouse with a skelebones with Plutonium-239 baked right in was too much for some Scavenger to bear, because nearby they were just trying so hard to build an alternative. Can’t say I blame them, for who knows what could be lurking in that portapotty? Splinters are the least of your worries, and even better, that Bottle statue gets a second life as a scarecrow for anything with eyes.

Get Wrecked shitter!

One of my favorite places in the post-apocalypse Commonwealth is the breathtaking Wreck of the FMS Northern Star, a jungle gym for stealth kills with something for everyone including Norwegian-speaking raiders, mutant mirelurks, a ghoul boss named Rags, and an extremely cute bobblehead. And this shitter, with an underbite, who gives you a Stealth Boy! That’s very thoughtful of this shitter, but by this point in the game, I’m so maxxed out on stealth that I’m invisible even in full sun.

En Plein Air shitter!

For the little Super Mutant in your life - Shit sub cielo at this alfresco shitter, set out upon the terrace of this sky-lit atrium. How refreshing!

Bunker Hill shitters!

In 1775 the American Revolutionary War was already at a rolling boil. On June 17 of that year, a clash to occupy strategic geographic points took place resulting in significant casualties, later to be called the Battle of Bunker Hill.

500 ish years later in post-apocalyptic Boston, a monument to that historic melee remains standing at Bunker Hill, in the form of these two shitters - though which represents the British and which is Colonial forces has been lost to time. I think the one on the right is the British one, because it still has a tank which could have once supported a powdered wig.

Here in 2287, the slapshod shanty town surrounding the Bunker Hill memorial is considered a bustling entrepôt for traders of all persuasions, and yet, this is the only shitter they have. I don’t mean to deride the shitters - let’s be clear that what we are looking at is a physical manifestation of Mayor Kessler’s incompetence and you cannot gain control of this place quickly enough to make up for it. Methinks this is the most ill-conceived place to shit on the entire planet. Forget the fact that the full moon of your buttcheeks are exposed at that window, how about the back of your neck and skull? If we have to say something nice, this spot affords an innovative networking opportunity.

Private Public shitter!

This is the most privacy you’re gonna be able to get in The Combat Zone - which is a place where raiders prize fight each other. One such prize fighter who you meet here is a gal named Cait, and you actually get to take her with you if you do this quest correctly. But for the moment, Cait lives here, and the Raider’s version of a lady’s powder room. A little floral rug, and a weapons workbench. That shitter looks exhausted so it goes without saying that this is the only one in the entire sports arena. Oh and Privacy, please! Thank you! THERE’S NO DOOR!!

Vault 81 Socioeconomically Neutral Bucket!

At Vault 81, worlds collide. Troupes of vagabond traders pass by here each day, hoping the bottle caps they earn weigh less than the goods they trekked here to sell. Agronomists attempt to boost food yields in soil that is mostly ash. Even little kitty cats come and go, heeding only the call of the wild. But regardless if you’re a rag-clad weather-hardened peddler with a 2-headed pack beast or if you’re a plump, vault-snug dandy, you both use the same rust-proof tapered steel bucket to make your shitter go flush. That’s the egalitarianism built right into the dystopia!

Goodneighbor shitters!

In the real world, the first cat in space was Félicette, hurled into the void by France in 1963. But in the Fallout universe the first cat in space was Mr. Pebbles and this kyoot shrine to him is located in Goodneighbor in a warehouse that a Cockney robot bartender paid me to fumigate of all life. In addition to that, the warehouse features a human litter pail tucked in a semi-secluded shitter alcove devoid of any comfort whatsoever. Triggerman Chic!

But you don’t have to live like this. You have options! Before heading back out into the wasteland, stop at this community shitter right in the public square. I think they’re going for a ‘Dealzzz changing room’ aesthetic.

Yay! It’s story time with Gran-Gran!

The Classism is Built Right In to the shitters!

Vault-Tec has been guilty (documented) of many crimes, some of which include eugenics, child abuse, elder abuse, systemic racism, corporate proxy warfare, treason, chemical warfare, psychological torture, and various globally-banned experimental sciences like hybrid biology of plants and animals alike, but ain’t it just like Vault-Tec to have something else fucked up they did that we learn about 200 years later?

Ever get to Park Street Station? Take a look at this shit. The upper section is a subway, as you might expect, and here’s that shitter there. Take note: No privacy, busted, broken, there’s a CORPSE. There’s a provisional BUCKET. And then - downstairs? In the back rooms? - Vault 114 has all the amenities you’d expect from civil sanitation including privacy curtains and shiny stainless steel appliances. Hell they give you the Abraxo right on the seat like it’s already clean but if you did want it a little cleaner here’s some Abraxo. Vault 114 has traits of Stage 3 Hoarding with an abundance of shitters in storage, just waiting for their moment, even if I did get ghoul blood on that one. What was their plan? Everyone else can shit on the ground and Vault-Tec gets to keep the nicest shitters left in existence? Guess we can tack institutional classism onto the wiki pages of all their egregious transgressions. Fuck Vault-Tec!

Back Alley Bowling shitters across the wasteland!

Just south of the Rook Family house on the Commonwealth’s East Coast, there’s a lil’ oceanside shitter with a sink on the side of it! I’m a huge fan of sanitation facilities with set-apart sinks, and it looks like this shitter might actually have been mostly for the use of whoever was running this little ticket booth. The shitter itself has been understandably traumatized by WORLD WAR III, and as a result barricaded itself inside the splintery shanty surround. While you can’t open the stall door, if you ask really nicely you can say hello through the massive gap in the stall dividers.

Notice the poster for Back Alley Bowling! Let’s take a look at those shitters while we are on the subject, shall we? Like someone fired a junk cannon full of bowling balls right through the damn walls.

Malden Center shitters!

Damn, next time you try to kill a shitter, you better make sure he’s dead because when the side of Malden Center subway opens up like some crate out of Carfax Abbey to reveal an entombed shitter who is very much alive and pissed, you’ll be wishing you did! And, in case you were thinking about going swimming DO NOT, because if you can read, there is deep cold water here. Actually, just leave these shitters alone. They obviously do not want to pestered, and have been through so much. Although I will say the dandelion yellow tile is rather cheerful.

Post-war OSHA

Mid-Life Metamorphosis shitter!

When the world ended, most people and things ended with it, either because they got vaporized by hydrogen bombs or because their jobs were all eliminated and they couldn’t figure out what to do with themselves next. But not this intrepid shitter, who took one look at the plumbing that was no longer running, the plumbers that were now skeletons, and the plumbing trade unions that were now raider factions wielding sections of pipe as weapons and said, “Somewhere, there’s a new world of purpose for me.” Armed with only her courage, this shitter picked herself up out of the rubble and completely reinvented herself. Ok, so her tank is gone, but look, she’s literally holding down the fort at this campsite. When the world told this shitter she no longer had any value she got herself a whole new career. They all said she was crazy, but baby, maybe you gotta be a little bit crazy to do something wild and brave. And if you think this shitter glances backward even for a second, you’re wrong, kiddo. She’s not the type to ring up her old frienemies just to let them know she’s all right, better than all right, that she’s got a sweet little life she fought like hell for. This shitter is the type to say, “Let them die wrong about me.”

And yes I’m playing Fallout again, I’m missing like 15 achievements.

Covenant shitter!

Yoo-hoo, sweetie! Down here and pressed all the way up against the concrete barricade is a shitter who does not want to be seen with Covenant’s anti-synth tomfuckery. She is ready to scale this wall with her lunchpail and the town’s most valuable item, KNOWLEDGE, which is buried within a single Overdue Book. She is ready to be OUT of this mental prison! Once you take over this town and kick out (read: kill) the Fascist squatters, you can decorate this alley and make it look really nice back there for this shitter. She has been through a lot and deserves some beauty.

Greenbriar Bunker shitter!

For like two hundred years or some shit this radio signal has been broadcasting for two oldsters camped in the safety of a bunker but who couldn’t leave because of the creatures. They died down here (see second image) but thank hell they had this shitter to maintain order during this terrible ordeal. Here’s the question, Brigade - Is this a prison shitter? Is that shitter a Wilson? Perchance a little of both.

Shitters Needing Support

Ever get to Hardware Town? You know, the place where you’d normally buy all kinds of DIY shit to buff up your domicile, like lumber and flooring? In this case the VERY STORE needs to look inward because it desperately needs to do the work. The top images are from the showroom. Yes, these shitters were for exhibit only. Back in the day, these were the preeminent shitters that people from all over came to gawk at and admire. Now look at them. A fall from grace, but the shitters did nothing wrong.

The bottom pictures are the employee and customer restrooms at Hardware Town. These are not for show, yet here we are. Excuse me, but what sort of bullshit is going on in the employee restroom, with the 2 urinals and the toilet facing directly at them? Bob Villa doth weep! This is not a good look for Hardware Town. Lastly, those customer toilets are barely hanging on by a thread. Needs a couple caution cones, maybe a sign saying “DO NOT STEP HERE!” And we can learn something from this distressing display. The shitters here could not be crushed beneath the iron fist of nuclear annihilation, which is certainly encouraging.

But this isn’t scary at all

I know what you’re thinking. “What descent into madness?” Can you really call it that, when you have a friend like this for your spirit guide? Look at it, cheerfully waiting to usher you down into the bowels of this stinking pit, where you’ll meet a lunatic who is a pleasure to know. Lorenzo Cabot! He may as well be the Lord of the Underworld, at least in this universe, as he’s the closest to undead without being a ghoul that you’re likely to meet. And he’s so grateful for your help in escaping this shithole, gives you permanent stat buffs for the rest of the game. Can’t really beat that.

Bobbi’s Swiss Army shitter!

Do you aspire to be an alt-legitimate businesswoman, and to one day tunnel into an administrative treasury building? Take a leaf out of of the playbook of Bobbi No-Nose, the steely-eyed ghoul bitch who fucking hates the post-apocalypse Boston government. She’s a couple hundred years ahead of you, so if you wanna get on Bobbi’s level, the first thing you’ll need to do is hire a couple of patsies to do your dirty work. Queens do not sully their own hands.

Unfortunately for Bobbi, the patsy she hires is you and in the course of digging right into the crumbling, decaying bedrock of a once-great city, you kind of completely ruin Bobbi’s plans and her entire life. What makes this so tragic is Bobbi isn’t even worse than any of the murderers, assholes, pill pushers and mafiosos in the Wasteland. If not for the sidequest, this calculating entrepreneuse could have made it into the record books and gotten away with the heist of the millenium!

And where did our #WomanInTech cook up the blueprint for that heist? Right here is where the magic happens, baby! A home office that is also a secure place for stolen goods, also a storage facility, also a fucking pigsty for random garbage and also a SHITTER! Anyone who works from home knows if you want to get anything done you need that shitter close to your workstation and Bobbi closes the gap with this ludicrous life hack.

Goodneighbor Treasury shitter!

Wanna see something fucked up? This is what you’ll find in the N&M Freight Depot, the place Bobbi No-Nose tunnels to find the TRUE treasure of Goodneighbor. A secluded shitter, the perfect place to hide from the world, have a smoke, and think about how precious life is.

All Are Welcome

NukaWorld Funhouse shitter!

Ready for some FUN?! The world has gone all topsy-turvy! I have to ask you to try not to shriek … with delight! at this Clown Shitter, which is truly a testament to the brilliance of Bethesda Game Studios circa 2016. The Funhouse is a linear maze of optical illusions, including corridors of mirrors, and a room with a spinning floor with doors all along the walls and if you were to actually grab one of the doorknobs with your hand to try to open it while the room is spinning you’d probably dislocate your shoulder. You know, generic funhouse shit. And there’s this area, which is modelled after a suburban house, except the furniture is glued to the ceilings and walls. The best part of all is of course the shitter. Thank you to the designer that decided this needed to be here. Because it absolutely does.

Silver Shroud shitter!

Listen up, dollface, you’re gonna be a star! Hear me? And we gotta special dressing room ready for you, this is gonna knock your socks clean off, see? Just wait’ll ya see this, kid. Of course it’s private! But you know one or two of us might need to sneak in there to use the toilet now and then. Atta girl, you’re a real team player kiddo! Just mind the splintered floor boards and the ghouls of course and I’ll show you around the joint!

Ya just put cha coat heah, ya gotcha comic books heah, it- it’s ..carpeted, it’s state-of-the-art carpeting, too! Look how textured it is! And just look at this soundproofing! Ain’t nothin’ gettin’ through bricks, kid. All right we’ll leave ya here to get settled in. Welcome to Hollywood!

OK?

Fallout 4 Screenprint, by Cristian Eres.

Extra! Extra! Cute Teddy Bear takes a shit at the End of the World!

Far Harbor Campgrounds shitter!

How would you like to camp out at this unmarked location in Far Harbor? There’s a super spooky shitter for you to use, and the Stachybotrys is absolutely free.

These sinks probably open a hidden passageway to the Chamber of Secrets!

“Super Mutant Orders”

It wasn’t the bomb. The wait is what killed them.

Shitter Shack!

This unexpected, private bathroom is in an unmarked location near a shack north of Ten Pines Bluff. It’s right on the shores of a super-irradiated pond of runoff water, which will kill you pretty quickly if you stray too close. Inside is a shitter and a creepy mannequin who will watch you. The newspaper is serving double duty. First you can read about the moronic dramas of times gone way by, then you can use the paper for the only real purpose it has left. Finally, you may wonder how they wired a lamp to work all the way out here, but your wonders will be replaced with the sads when you find the corpse of some guy in this here tub. Marvelous.

TESLA Science Magazine, Issue 1.

Sanctuary Hills custom shitter!

Fallout 4’s Settlement functions allow the player to add many fun, creative structures to claimed towns. Here’s a shitter I made in Sanctuary Hills. Now I know that the plumbing wouldn’t really work, but if you pretend that it would, you’d probably use that enamel bucket to bring water to the bowl to make it flush. The boxes and stuff are for all kinds of supplies you’ll need in an open-air shitter such as this (tp, antibacterial soap, and a .44 to fend off the radroaches). There’s some lovely decor, including a rug that ought to keep down the radioactive vines and stuff. The ash tray is handy for burning some incense after you’re done to keep it smelling OK. Building this for my settlers gave me a feeling of satisfaction, however, I felt that it was total bullshit that that crafting a custom shitter, with love, did nothing to improve their overall happiness.

Huh. Do you think this was a good job, or a safe job?

Valentine’s Day is approaching, so rev your romance engines with this prose from Griswold, Poet Laureate in the year 2287. If this doesn’t convince you that nuclear decimation of the human race is a really bad thing, I don’t know what will, but this is what’s left in humanity’s Talent Coffer once everyone else has been blown to cinders.

The first pictures are selections from Griswold’s Poetry Journal. These detail a saga of Griswold’s reflections on his greatness, and contemplations of Sue.

The last picture here is Sue’s. Likely the only eligible female in this raider camp of Monsignor Plaza, she has her own thoughts on Griswold.

“Pull the lever, Kronk.”

Abernathy Farm shitter!

It was never clear to me why Raiders were always harassing Abernathy Farm. I mean, aside from the fact that Raiders are simple-minded assholes who crush anything good, but Abernathy Farm doesn’t even have a decent shitter. This craptastic pile of broken porcelain is the only thing close to one, and it’s located just outside the boundaries of the farm.

Screw you, Kyle.

MacCready and Piper cosplay by Vault Fox.

“Well first of all, through the Brotherhood all things are possible, so jot that down.”

“No, I don’t eat deathclaws, cause, uh, it’s not a meal for peasants, it’s a meal for kings, and I’m sort of a common wastelander.”

Winner! of the prestigious 2015 Brown Ribbon!

Sunshine Tidings Co-op shitters!

The winner of the coveted Brown Ribbon of the Year award in 2015 was this REALLY nice wooden outhouse at Sunshine Tidings Co-op. As you can see, this shitter is top-notch, with potential for a bright future. The elevated nature of this stall lends itself to superior protection against pests such as radroachs and molerats while you’re having a moment alone.

There is another notable shitter on the property that I have photographed and documented here, and which is a terrible sty. The metal shack features some splintery boards perched atop cinder blocks, and an accompanying rusted metal bucket. Creative, but a definite no-go. And are settlers expected to bathe here? My companion, Preston Garvey, obviously blurted out this non sequitur before he took a peek inside.

Commonwealth Shitter, “Flamingo with Dude.”

Alternate Title: “Are you actually staring me down? You, who gives hard drugs to old ladies, and body armor to dogs with the same hand?”

The flawless comedy of Fallout 4 bathroom humor.