We’re Definitely Brewing Poison shitter!

This is the ladies’ room right outside of Professor Fig’s classroom where a shitter has been employed as an adjunct Potions professor. You know Hogwarts made that shitter audit all its classes because “shitters can’t get Ph.Ds” and then paid it the entry-level salary of a TA or some crap, because it is clearly brewing something sketchy as an act of sedition. No no, Headmaster, this potion can certainly be consumed, it’s just that it can only be consumed once.

The Four Mystical shitters of Hogwarts!

By the Tomes! Behold, the four mighty Houses of Magic that form the foundation of the Wizarding World! Clockwise from the top left, they are as follows:

Gryffindor! Only the purely brave and daring could find this shitter that has three entrances, and how many bathtubs with zero privacy? This is crap, sorry, this is like the same conditions the kids in Annie were dealing with. Just because it’s carven wood and bronze dolphin-shaped doorknobs doesn’t make it lux.

Next the sinister shitter of Salazar Slytherin! There’s a special faucet in here that has been vandalized and we all know what that’s for. Idk, it just looks like Pointy S to me. What is going on with that situation in the stall? This isn’t any place to read quietly or study or learn, it’s in a dungeon, but the flowers do make it kinda nicer. Another shitter in this same spot is a Puddlemere United superfan with posters plastered all over it.

Third we see the best shitter ever from the best house of all, Ravenclaw of course. Shiny! The bathtubs are the best in the entire map, no contest. They have private alcoves with sparkly curtains and places to keep towels right next to the tubs, really making Gryffindor look like a subclass of Barbarian by comparison. In a move that ought to scandalize a small subset of the population, I was able to gain entry into both the men’s and the ladies’ rooms. They each have shitter stalls with a special glyph etched onto the frames. I am pretty sure it’s a way to send secret messages between the rooms. “D-O Y-O-U H-A-V-E T-P”, for instance.

The last one is just what you’d expect. No shitter for Hufflepuff. If that’s your house, I’m sorry, you got screwed once again.

Not for the Lessers shitter!

What in the upper crust, old money, trust fund tyrant hell? Yeah, it’s lovely in this place, but it’s rank-locked to Prefects. First-years may not shit here. It has two toilets, here’s one of them. Exclusive, yet, I don’t like how far away from the bathtub they keep the towels. Imagine slipping and breaking your face on that marble pillar just trying to get dry? Speaking of which, this decor strongly implies this was once a branch of JP Morgan Chase. Not sure what the function of the pearl in the alcove is, or why it gets a special chair. The murlocs in the far end giving bedroom eyes spout water when you turn a knob. The bathtub is gorgeous, but also bombastically huge. How many people are meant to be in this at any given time? I think each faucet is supposed to be a different kind of soap, but couldn’t you just verbally tell one faucet in a normal-sized tub what kind of soap you wanted? Saponifica Strawberry-Kiwiosa!

Coastal Getaway shitter!

Next time you’re trekking up and down the soggy afflicted moors of the Poidsear Coast with your squib wolfhound, snap them peepers at this tumbledown shack that boasts a shitter touched by pixies! Or something. I don’t know. I genuinely have no clue what the point is of this minigame since I really lean on the tab key to skip the cutscenes. It’s another one of the scavenger hunt missions you can get in this glorified scavenger hunt universe of Hogwarts Legacy. Now, I know somebody told me what these were, and why I should interact with them, but for the life of me I can’t remember who. I think it was a teacher. Or maybe it was a merchant? But the internet doesn’t even seem to know, and that’s okay, because I really don’t actually care. I’m here to see shitters. Not listen to yap about the history and the mystery, or how my robes don’t appear to be “regulation.” I robbed these frilly pajamas from a tomb and I’ll wear them proudly.

Shortcut shitter!

Right near the Hogwarts clock tower there’s this shitter that has bettered itself with a major in Culinary Arts with a minor in Business Administration and has opened a cafe. A very pretty place with quiet ambiance, antiqued bronze fixtures, richly embroidered cushions, yet I’m not super jonesed about those books which are flagged and teetering unsettlingly close to the supporting character (the cake). This is certainly a time-saver, but at what cost? Would you eat a shitter cake?

All Hogwarts Legacy shitters represent $5 donations (each) to Plan International USA, dedicated to initiatives that uplift gender equality in global sanitation.

Finely Appointed Wilderness Lodgings shitter!

What in the 1920s LL Bean Patagonia North Face hell? Nay, ‘tis heaven! I gasped when my blinky orbs spied these camping shitters, in the expansive charmed tent of some Ashwinders that are literally just hanging out here not bothering anyone. This game has two factions - “good” guys (blue) and “bad” guys (red). If I Revelio and your ass shows up red, God help you because I’m absurdly eager with Bombarda. Anyway the guys in here were red, so now they’re dead. Simple as that.

What were they doing that was so bad? I guess they kidnapped a Newsie or something and stuck him in a cage in their basement, but their hideout rocks and I feel like they can’t be all bad. It’s so pretty in here and there are TWO shitters, decked out with tassel-fringed drapery, porcelain and oak mirrored wash basins, Fred Astaire on the gramophone, all the sumptuous comforts offered by luxury! This camp is cosy, warm, dry, and there’s platters of yummy snacks set out but yet, here I come as the self-crowned Hero and just blast every last one of them and take whatever ain’t nailed down. That’s what makes me a GOOD guy! See the difference?

Urgently Required shitter!

Oh lord this game came out in 2023 and thanks to the Steam sale I’m playing it now! In Hogwarts Legacy, I metamorphose from Professor Fig’s little pet into the original and best Death Eater, Voldemort has nothing on this bitch who careens pell-mell across pasture and holt, brazenly swaggering into any cottage or cabin I see and just mug whoever lives there - Who gon check me, boo? I don’t go to classes. I don’t run errands. I have taken up the mantle of a teenage liquidator who indiscriminately pink mists any who dare show up on Revelio. It’s genuinely only Confringo or “ANCIENT MAGIC METEOR” whatever that is. I checked, and it’s forgivable.

And they just give me whatever I want because I’m the chosen one. I didn’t even ask for this apartment but the headmistress was like “Report to my office” and then it was “Here’s your free private apartment and servant, sweetie. We don’t ask questions.” This is the Room of Requirement before I cleaned up all the crap that Matilda Weasley left all over the place in here - I just chucked it out, I gave it to people who could use it or something, I don’t think she misses it, anyway she just left it here and what was I supposed to do, store it indefinitely? Thirty-five seconds after she walked out the door this crap was at the Good Will. I’ll probably sell the place when I’m sick of it, idk, I have no loyalty to these walls.

At this part of the RoR you round the corner of about the nineteenth chaotic mass of dining chairs to find a bathtub with a note on it that Matilda left for herself that says something like “Oh, haha, it looks as though the Room thought I could use a bath.” WHO ARE YOU LEAVING THIS NOTE FOR, LADY? I love this beautiful shitter, growing ever skyward like a Monstera Septicana, free from the confines of any roof or rafter, up, up, up! Higher and higher! Into the silver moonlight that is filtering gently down from who the fuck knows where. Fear not the porcelain block that could drop down on your skull at the slightest fluctuation in balance, for this is a magical place, free of gravity, free of privacy, there’s a house elf in here named Deek who is bound to this place and is shambling about at all times.

This Hogwarts Legacy shitter represents a $5 donation to Plan International USA, which strives for the human right of sanitation coupled with the dignity of gender equality.

“Haunted” Boiler Room shitter!

Really bizarre stuff here. On the Gryffindor Tower South Wing ground floor, there’s a bathroom that is locked, and from the sign it’s due to a poltergeist the administration just cannot contain. I’m sure there’s plenty of stuff written about why nobody can get rid of Peeves but I really don’t care, I’m focused on the fact there’s a giant bathroom nobody can use because of him. Also, there’s a basket of bread in here. Why. Not the best place for any perishable, open-container snacks.

Further snooping will reveal the real reason this room is blocked off - there’s a boiler room just kinda stuck onto the back end of one of the shitter stalls, and a Demiguise statue is stuck in here. Evidently, Gladwin Moon, the caretaker and the guy who would be servicing this machine would rather invent lore about why this room needs to be locked than - idk, Diffindo a lil’ statue?

This Hogwarts Legacy shitter represents a $5 donation to Plan International USA. You can read more about their work toward gender equality in global sanitation on their official website.

Treasure Room shitter!

Near the Hogwarts Castle grand staircase you’ll find a door that can be opened with a lil’ math puzzle that will reveal this pirate’s locker of shitters and other sanitation fixtures. I’m delighted to see this of course, but also - why is this here? Why would they need to store extra cisterns, bowls, sinks, and tubs anywhere, when they have a Room of Requirement that can effortlessly create anything they might need out of thin air?

This Hogwarts Legacy shitter represents a $5 donation to Plan International USA!

Pastureside shitter!

This shitter represents the first donation to Plan International USA! Founded in 1937, this international humanitarian charity aims to end the oppression of gender inequality, including sanitation facilities that allow for equal access for all people regardless of gender.

This fancy Victorian shed is a fine and well-lit potty for the use of the farmers who work the fields surounding Hogsmeade. I enjoy that the door faces away from the town, tha’s +1 to privacy tha’ is. But there’s more! This isn’t just any old pasture outhouse. Roll over the image to see a real porcelain throne, with elevated cistern, copper pipes, and a stack of BOOKS! There’s even an extra lantern, in case you don’t know Lumos or something??

Physics Failure shitter!

Here’s a shitter from Hogwarts Legacy, submitted by Bucket Brigadier of the Year for 2023, ILikeSocks:

“HARRY POOPER! HERGWERTS! I don’t remember where this was. It was right after the first bit of quests where they have you do Charms and Defense Against Dark Arts classes. I was goofing around and found a shitter with a treasure chest in it. The needless bend in the pipe bothers me.”

The shitter itself cannot be blamed for being innocently caught in the imbroglio of its surroundings, however I do think it important to focus in on what the fuck is happening there with the stall hinges. Look at this mess. That is NOT how hinges work!