The Outer Worlds Tutorial Zone and the Urinal of Secrets!

Bucket Brigadier Swolito blessed us with these shitters from the opening sequence of Outer Worlds 2: “This is in the Horizon Point Station (part of the Global Protectorate base).” It’s nice that someone was trying to clean this first one, equipped with a submarine door with art nouveau gingerbread detailing to let the stink out. His gaze sees all! The second image is so eerily reminiscent of Faldar’s Tooth that it really makes you stop and think about the perennial nature of shitters.

There are propaganda posters above every Place To Pee, as seen in this filthy bank, which may at first seem dystopian until you realize you can just tune them out or play a game of how many hidden dicks are in each image. But what you can’t tune out is the nagging question. Why are there so many urinals in this place? Would 10 men at any given point really need to pee here at the same time? Was that urinal carousel originally intended to be sinks? And if you get 4 people to pee there at the same time, does it open a Chamber of Secrets in the vacuum of space?

Name Pending Saloon shitter!

From bucket brigadier Swolito, this Outer Worlds 2 shitter is coming to us from the Name Pending Saloon where Sanitizer Magnus misses a spot on the important parts, the back of the lid and the tiles around the throne base. And the tiles on the wall behind the shitter. I think he’s doing his best, considering whatever celestial body this is has a different gravity density and oxygen saturation than the one Sanitizer Magnus’ origin species evolved to thrive on. THAT WOULD BE US. HUMANS. A couple of years ago, a study came out that basically showed if humans did leave Earth, and colonize Mars, the duration of daylight is different enough from Earth that it would induce senility in a matter of days. But hey, let’s keep the dream alive that we actually could go land someplace else and just pick up where we left off like it’s no big deal. Otherwise, we trashed this Eden for nothing.

Bare Arm shitter!

From Bucket Brigadier Rockin T, this shitter is out of the Outer Worlds Murder on Eridanos DLC! Hover the image to reveal the shitter that’s hidden under the green vat thing. Tell me, Brigade, does this half-eaten bellhop’s severed arm evoke the LoZ Phoeni, or is it more like the corpse of a forgotten Planeteer croaked mid-thrust of their ring toward the Heavens, perhaps as they attempted to evoke the power of sanitation?

Edgewater Constabulary shitter!

Something you learn right away when playing the Outer Worlds is that in this universe, the wrong people always get locked up. And this is just one of the places where innocent people are held for bad reasons - the Edgewater Constabulary! That one doing paperwork has decent intentions I suppose, but watch how it absolutely blows her mind when you don’t immediately rat on the guy who saved your life in the first 3 minutes of the game, the “notorious criminal” Phineas Welles.

Wonderful example of a classic prison shitter. The spot where ya crap is in full view of the front door to the Constabulary, and the “public shower” flooring, somehow coated in standing water though the cell remains empty, only adds to the total fucking bummer this place is.

Look northwise.

Community Center Shitter!

The Emerald Vale Community Center is very fucked. It’s supposed to be considered abandoned, yet you can see here there’s tons of unclaimed settler bodies, and the surrounding grounds are swarming with Marauders and gross killer insectoids. A quest to find some kind of manual or comic book (maybe a combination of the two) sends you to this location, but as I have demonstrated, the only real reason to come here is Shitter Safari tourism. A bank of toilets with minimal privacy, but dignity is on the back burner at most places in this universe.

“Where can I get a helmet like that?”

Martin Callahan, Spacer’s Choice representative and vendor who wears what is basically the pinnacle of fashion - a ping pong ball helmet, somehow internally-lit, which he may never remove. We know from reading his email (he’s still logged in at a public terminal in the main thoroughfare of the Groundbreaker) that the inside of the helmet is riddled with evidence of countless previous users. What a choice. Spacer’s Choice.

C&P Boarst Factory Employees-Only shitter!

The “pork” factory on Monarch is run by a piece of shit cannibal named Clive Lumbergh. The top thug at SubLight wants to seize the factory, so she ordered me to fuck his assembly line all the way up and drive him out of business. I was given a few options: One was to poison the animals, but since they have a hard enough time as it is, I tried to show some compassion and left them alone. Another way was to enter new parameters into the security robot subroutines, causing them to kill all the human workers - I didn’t see the point in that either. But another option was to just sneak into his office and forge some of his tax records. Because in The Outer Worlds, it’s much worse to be a tax evader than to grind your workers into sausage. On my way out, I was surprised and thrilled to find the factory has an employee bathroom, which, at the time, was in use by this dude. You can imagine how thrilled and surprised he was to see me.

Roseway Gardens shitter!

Roseway Gardens was an Auntie Cleo’s operation located on Terra II. I say ‘was’, because as you can see, though it is surrounded by idyllic, volcanic farmland, at some point it all went tits-up when the compound suffered a terrible tragedy. And by terrible, I mean a breathtaking karmic rainbow stretched across the sky above Roseway, while a booming voice from the heavens sounded “You bastards deserved what you got.” The function of Roseway Gardens was the manufactory of beauty and home products. They accomplished this by experimenting on, and extracting the glandular secretions of, dinosauric reptiles. Yes, the creatures are mean, savage, and as big as a bus, but they are still entitled to their sanctity of life. And I’m not here to rescue animal mutilators from their shitty selves, so I took pictures and other evidence for the inevitable PETA tribunal.

Here’s another victim of Roseway’s corporate ugliness. This shitter was living its best life in selfless servitude on the Galactical Frontier. This shitter never harmed anyone! Now there’s windows where the wall once was, most of the ceiling is on the floor, and instead of a shitter it is now a shit hole. Fuck Auntie Cleo’s!

While I strolled around not helping anybody because I was so goddamn appalled, I found this recipe for a festive Holiday Hooch. 190 proof grain alcohol? These people don’t need my help. They’re going to solve their own problems.

Nanner Spank. A refreshing new fizzydrink, from Rizzo.

Ludwig Miller’s shitter!

The universe loves me, Brigade. The Outer Worlds came out on October 23, and one of the first quests in the starter town features a shitter. Meet Ludwig Miller! He hates robots, who have come to replace our jobs and our very lives. He wants to see them suffer before they’re destroyed, and the time to strike is now! All he needs is a key component to his plan, which he stashed in the safest spot he could think of: The latrine of the Spacer’s Choice Cantina. The last place a robot would ever look. Genius! This is a powerful life lesson for our modern age. Know anyone who never uses a toilet, or who doesn’t even think about toilets? They might be a robot.