So dedicated am I, dear Brigade, to bringing you the ultimate gaming restroom experience that I paused halfway through this deathdrap to bring you these shitters in the Spider Bunker! As relieved as I was to find these, I have to admit I was shitting myself as I tried to capture some memories while avoiding attacks from oversized, photophobic spiders and scorpions. I’m talking the size of Neapolitan Mastiffs. Apparently the tiny flashlight on my hat is enough to scare them away, and I made it out alive, but as you can see from my visor, I got fucked up in the process. I regret nothing!
I’m guessing you’re like me, and when you stole that tugboat to infiltrate the Baron’s compound, you didn’t know you’d be entering the last nuke code into the Admiral’s insanity launch sequence. But that’s what happened. The Admiral’s been through some shit and this is how he’s managed to cope: ‘Not well.’ Since the tugboat incident, he’s been hiding out in the swamp. You can visit him at his quaint cottage home (a loft in a rotting barn), where he entertains corpses and argues with himself. Laugh a little, cry a little with Admiral Batshit and try to resist the enviable hospitality of his Swamp Bungalow. He offers you tea made from local wildcrafted mushrooms (yeah, I’m not drinking this), and a peace pipe stuffed with some herbs he swears will silence the demons (and I’m not smoking that). If you don’t much fancy reminiscing about the glory days, you can try guessing how many partial card decks he collected to make that tablecloth, or if you’re feeling really adventurous/bored/compassionate, pry that guitar from his pal’s dead claws and sing Admiral Batshit a lullaby. Once he’s asleep, snag a postcard from the wall before gtfo of there.
Playing through the storyline of the main Metro: Exodus quest will bring you to this enemy camp in the Taiga territory. The highlight of the camp is definitely this bank of outhouses! Note how the two flanking structures are blocked off, showcasing a central, slightly raised shitter, which serves an additional purpose as a shrine to a JEM! looking rockstar lady. An accordion and book stashed inside implies this shitter is a place of inspiration and culture for the people who live here. After civilization collapses you’re not gonna have have a mobile phone to bring with you to the crapper, but an accordion is so much cooler.
I met this scene of wanton carnage at a slapshod shack in the middle of nowhere. I’m guessing when the promised Sex Show turned out to be not so forthcoming, a gunfight broke out. The bartender is still alive though, and you can find him cowering behind furniture and begging for his life.
Here on the science station, we call this a medical facility. Trevor J. Young was attacked by a terrible creature, and then the administration (of which I am party to, and ashamed by that fact) threw him in this shithole here because they didn’t know how to handle it. Actually quite appalling and another reason why Talos I is a human rights disaster area. Don’t worry about Trevor J. Young. He’s gonna be okay. I managed to save him after reloading my game like 3 times to make sure he didn’t end up dying in this awful place. He somehow managed to scrawl this office door password into the wall which is certainly convenient, thank you Trevor, but also, how the fuck did he do it. Like what did he use to pierce the walls like that. Anyway, the shitter is steadfast in nature, upright and maintaining its dignity, always there for you like a prison shitter should be. Yes, this is a prison, in spite of any spaceship clown doctor trying to tell you otherwise.
As I creeped around the Neuromod Division I came across a baracaded men’s room. By golly, I was determined to get inside and get a picture of that interior. But when I gained access to the restroom, I saw this peculiar scene. A murder! Whodunit? I’m going to get to the bottom of this. And it better not turn out to be that really hostile alien monster that we’ve been experimenting on for the last 8 months and which has currently taken over the entire space station.
The shitters were unharmed in this scene of wanton terror.
This is at an unmarked location east of Evergreen Mills. But, we’ll call it the First Iconoclast Church of the Badlands shitter. Pretty nice actual throne, a sink, and a partition in tact enough for you to pretend you have some privacy. Of course, raiders seem to just regularly crash here, as evidenced by this team of jackoffs, who rolled up just as I was taking this picture. Check out the human corpse strung up over a burn barrel. We get it guys, you’re hardcore. Don’t mess with the Church Mice!