Death of the Outsider’s endless array of beautiful shitters!

Gorgeous and breathtaking, mesmerizing in their artistry, no two are the same. These snowflake shitters are presented for you in gallery format because it’s been pre-pandemic since I took these screenshots (the backlog is extensive) and I do not remember where each of these places were. I know at least one of them was a bloodfly-infested basement, does that help? The lighting, colors, shadows, atmosphere is everything, everything, everything and makes my eyeballs go yoy-oy-oy! Death of the Outsider is a terrific DLC if you loved Dishonored and just wanted a little more. For the chaotic good stealth archer who hunts shitters (me), Dishonored was as close to God as we were gonna get and it’s been far too long since a game quite like this came out. Enjoy the greatness!

Flooded District shitter!

If you go exploring in the Flooded District you’ll find it, well, flooded. Yeah, pretty amazing, right? They could turn this into an attraction with gondolas or body surfing but no. There’s just remnants of a crumbled civilization down there… and this is no place for a shitter! This is Empress Emily Kaldwin’s legacy!

Questionable Upgrade shitter!

Are we sure this is an improvement? Certainly the bathtub, but this washroom in Aramis Stilton’s renovated mansion has only an outrageously opulent bathtub, complete with Roman edifice, while the shitter (a humble chamberpot) has been replaced with NOTHING. Now, ordinarily this would be inexcusable, however, the upgraded Stilton mansion has four separate new bathrooms, some with multiple shitters!

It’s time for the 2019 Blue Bowl Awards!

Each year, the illustrious committee of experts at Gaming Thones, consisting of myself, likes to give a nod where it’s due to the best of the bowls. There were a lot of great potentials this year, but the clear winner for 2019 is the train depot shitter from Metro: Exodus. I’ll tell you what makes this shitter so outstanding:

  1. It’s dreadful. Look at this fucking thing. Metro: Exodus is in the horror genre, and this shitter itself is a nightmare. There is no seat. It’s a metal basin that was probably originally intended for a urinal, with a concrete surround. It’s almost completely exposed to the elements, including radioactive snow that is currently falling right onto it.

  2. It’s not clear where the thing drains to. Does it just empty out directly underneath the basin? Why would anyone use this? And clearly people do. Because there are several books and someone even left the lights on, implying they plan to return.

  3. Metro: Exodus shows us the current demand for shitters is relevant. The game came out this year, and the presence of shitters of this design quality indicates not only that video game shitters are no passing trend, but that in time they may only improve.

Our second place winner is this prison shitter from Dishonored 2. As you know, I love me a good prison shitter. The tiny bucket in the corner is, for me, a joy to behold. That bucket says, “I know this is the last place on Earth you ever want to end up, and it’s probably the last place you’ll ever be. But I want you to know, I’m here for you.” When the going gets rough, a prison shitter is the one friend who will stay by your side, also because you aren’t allowed any contact with the outside world. You better appreciate a prison shitter. A terrific note on which we finish off 2019 - In gratitude, we thank our shitters, which provide comfort in even these terrible places.

Dishonored Shitters Roundup!

As 2019 draws to a close, let’s take a look at some of the Dishonored 2 shitters that are awesome just for existing, but maybe not awesome enough to warrant their own article.

First we have the Dust District’s Black Market shitter! The fanciest black market in the whole game, it has its very own shitter. The “I’m trying so hard to make it through this life” vibe is strong in this bathroom. The merchant’s clothing is laid out for the next day, or perhaps a night on the town? So you know that despair hasn’t fully sunk in yet. The towels are almost black with filth, yet neatly folded. I admire your spirit, black market vendor (who I totally choked out and robbed).

Next, we have the Karnaca Enclave Guardhouse shitter! It’s definitely a closet, and from the looks of it, that carpetting was installed in the time of Emperor Euhorn. Yeesh.

Additionally, take a gander at the Dockyard Quarter shitter, found during the Addermire Institute mission. Astoundingly clean and organized, albeit tarnished slightly by some NPC’s endless complaining.

The last one for this roundup is the shitter in Lucia Pastor’s mother’s apartment. Full disclosure: I don’t know if this is actually her mother’s apartment, or Lucia’s own apartment that she moved out of. I only know I found a letter in there addressed to the mother, so either Lucia lived here and never sent it, or the mother lived here and so that’s where she received it. Check out the mood candles. Very swanky.

Dust District Offices shitter!

You enter this building to loot petty goods via the balcony. At first, you might think there’s not too much purpose to being in this building, until you realize the thrill of sneaking past the chattering secretaries, who are poised like two basilisks, typing at their desks, just to take a picture of their shitter. I felt like I was in Smaug’s chamber, seeking the Arkenstone. This is just me, Corvo Baggins, hunting down the Arkenthrone.

Not cute.

Cecelia works at the Hound Pits Club. I think we, the players, are meant to forge a sort of subconcious bond with her, and see her as a real ‘salt of the earth’ kind of gal. She’s kind of pretty, hasn’t been marred by the plague, and somehow still has the physical strength to clean up after the Loyalists. She’s mostly humble, but she has the hots for Piero Joplin, voiced by the immistakable Brad Dourif (who played such characters as Gríma Wormtongue, Lon Suder, Billy Bibbit, and Chucky). Brad Dourif is hot in his own right, but you’re only hearing his voice as Piero, and you know who he is when you hear that voice, so this gives you an idea of the kind of character Cecelia goes for. Anyway, this is a representation of the first time I ever met Cecelia. What a pleasant young lady she is.

Durante’s Grand Guard Cell shitter!

Submitted by Bucket Brigadier Khazya!

Durante was a man who came to be detained by the Grand Guard for suspicious activity. He did a number of odd yet significant jobs for the Howlers. One such task was kidnapping drunk people to exchange for Howlers hostages via Mr. Modotti, the local silvergrapher and liaison for Shindaerey Mining Company. In that sense, I would say Durante was a devil. But his other job was delivering food, water, and sundries to Aramis Stilton. That’s why he has the combination to Stilton’s front door. So, is he also the one who emptied Stilton’s chamber pot? That’s one conclusion, and for that reason I say this man was an angel.

Shitter Hero Durante was imprisoned in the basement of the Grand Guard’s Batista District outpost, in the most morally degrading conditions imaginable. Grim and bleak, this room is practically yodeling “You’re not coming out of here alive.” There are rats. There’s crumbling plaster walls. A CorningWare® basin to weep into. A gruesome, bare mattress to die on. An unadorned metal pail for your Last Business. And it might be the best prison shitter I have ever seen.

This shitter is a contender for the esteemed Blue Bowl of 2019.

Aventa District shitter - Grand Guard Office!

Submitted by Bucket Brigadier Khazya! Whether you’re a rented security officer, a bellhop, or stomping on the fingers of the little guy as a Grand Guard, y’all shit just the same. Here’s where you’d do it! This one can be found on your way to the Jindosh Mansion. It’s easy to overlook, because it isn’t anywhere a normal person would put a public bathroom (on the top floor in a multi-level high-rise). It’s dismal as fuck, so a great place for Corvo to stash the chumps who get in his way. ‘Twas a dark a gloomy shitter!

Condemned Bar’s shitter!

Submitted by Bucket Brigadier Khazya! This shitter is located at a defunct saloon. You’ll find it near the beginning of the Addermire Institute mission. I’m really into these humble-proud Shopkeeper Shitters lately. Given how poorly the rest of this building is looking, the barkeep has kept his personal space quite neat and tidy in contrast! His affairs are all in order on that desk. The blankets are folded very nicely! He’s trying so hard to keep semblance of order in this crock of shit that we call The Empire of the Isles. Doing his duty! If this guy traded spots with Emily Kaldwin for a day, I think we’d see at least some of the daily necessities addressed.

Karnaca Enclave Barber Shop shitter!

I’ve been away for a little minute taking some summer classes, but don’t think I’ve forgotten about you, Brigade! Here’s a nice spot to freshen up off the main room of a barber shop in the Karnaca Enclave. This is really an example of an excellent shitter. For the location, it’s very clean. There’s a lot of detail in this one - The decorative floor tiling, the busted paint job, the personal care products on the sink, even that storage locker that seems a bit out of place. It’s both humble and proud, with that fantastic “I’m just doing my best” ambiance that I adore in a Shopkeeper Shitter. I like to imagine the designer getting into the mindset of the NPC who runs this place and setting up the backdrop accordingly. Definitely a blue ribbon shitter.

The Crone’s Hand Saloon shitters!

Paolo’s hideaway of The Crone’s Hand Saloon features two shitters - First, a cozy W.C. with buckets (because why not), a wastepaper basket, and receptacle for floor cigarettes. It flushes. Not much else to say.

Second, a very nice bedroom suite shitter with the usual trimmings, plus a convenient cutout in the wall for assassins like me. I’m sure you noticed too that these thugs just toss their dirty shirts on the bathroom floor because they’re living the high life. All rich people do it. It’s a silent declaration of “Fuck you. My 8-button, dupioni collared garment is now on the floor because I am bored of it.” Full disclosure: The wealth of the Howlers Gang is entirely comprised of wealth they co-opted from the pockets of other people.

Freakish Love Effigy at Dunwall Tower.

I guess Delilah thinks this is supposed to make Corvo fall in love with her, or something? So, like, mote it be, an’ shit.

Dunwall Storage Hallway shitter - Post-Delilah Takeover!

Remember the unexpected storage hallway shitter that caught you unawares, right before you left Dunwall Tower? Well look who’s still here at the end of the game, waiting right by the door when you return home, like a grizzled, faithful hound!

Has your old pal, Hall Shitter, suffered from use, disrespect, and maltreatment since you’ve been gone? I don’t think so. From the looks of it, Hall Shitter was picked up with the entire grouping of backwards-facing paintings and elevated just a few inches higher onto a desk. Other than that, it seems to be in one piece, apart from just having missed you so darn much while you were away. Now if you’re wondering about the wellbeing of the Brigmore Witch pictured here, yes, that bitch is dead. I was playing High Chaos, so I had very little other option.

Dr. Alexandria Hypatia’s Apartment shitter!

This apartment is actually really pretty. It’s in a historic building with a back patio, a balcony overlooking a prominent boulevard, and the windows allow for a portion of it to act as a greenhouse. This is the apartment’s clean and tidy shitter. Look how pleasant and lovely it is. When Dr. Hypatia got her shit fucked up by Delilah, she abandoned all this peace, tranquility, and humble opulence for a permanent residence in Addermire Institute, surrounded by gross disease and icky death. Once you help her out (which involves injection of Stop Killing People), she’ll move out of there, get back to being her old self, and start making pretty butterfly collections again.

Stilton Manor’s Alternate Future Kitchen shitter!

If there’s anything that makes me hang around in a place long after beating the level, it’s the promise of finding a shitter. On my way out of Stilton Manor, I crawled along the convenient shelf-style molding that wraps around the ceiling and looked for special changes. You can’t imagine my excitement when I saw the storage room off the renovated kitchen was now labeled “Restroom.” Excitedly, I did a somersault over the heads of the workmen and slipped through the door to take a look!

In the first slide, we see the storage room as it appears in 1849. Don’t worry, these ladies are just sleeping. I compassionately stashed them in here so I could rummage through their kitchen properly. They’ll be all right.

In the second slide, we see the room is now a shitter in the alternate future of 1852. It was difficult to get before and after pictures here because the room has changed so much, but this room now has two separate stalls and a utility sink.

Appreciation of the new utopia of Stilton Manor must be properly contrasted against the shitter-less Hell that is Jindosh Mansion. And we should all be more like Aramis Stilton (artistic, thoughtful, and hygienic). Jindosh has one personal shitter, and one prison shitter for his Sokolov Holding Cell. But Stilton Manor has so many, I haven’t even posted them all!

Dr. Nobody’s Sanctum of Misery shitters!

Here’s another slide for our presentation of “Emily Kaldwin Should Not Be Empress.” This bloodfly-riddled apartment in the Dust District is supposed to be a “Doctor’s Office.” I’m sure it was at some point, but a while back it became a portal to Hell. Based on cursory observation, Nature has been reclaiming this building for a lot longer than a few weeks or days.

For those of us who like to keep receipts, here’s an Accounting Book that Dr. Nobody kept of all his snake oil sales. Can’t sleep? Eat some onions! Everyone knows that. Poor Mr. Viteri (the final entry) was a dead man walking after the Doctor’s “treatment,” but isn’t it slightly heartening that this charlatan never actually collected money for his goofery? No? Well, at least Doc is probably dead now, and we can all sleep a little better at night knowing Corvo Attano fumigated this apartment with fire to clear out the bloodflies.

Aramis Stilton’s Chamber Pot from 1852!

Somebody at Arkane Studios loves me! Whoever had enough wherewithal to consider a shitter for Aramis Stilton’s “holding cell” in the fucked version of 1852 is an asset to the company and deserves a promotion to team lead immediately.

But let’s talk about the actual viability of this shitter. While I fully understand that video games are not intended to mirror, but merely mimic and mock, reality, I could not help but feel my suspension of disbelief stretched a bit too far when it came to Aramis Stilton’s chamber pot - the one imprisoned with him at the start of the “A Crack in the Slab” mission. We know Duke Abele is paying The Howlers to bring food and candles and stuff for Stilton while he’s locked up in here. The entrance to his room has restricted access, and has been barricaded with furniture. There’s not enough space under the barricade to pass anything more than a plate of food in and out of the room. So, how does he empty this chamber pot? It’s clean, so we know somebody is changing it out for him when they visit. The windows in this room don’t open, so you’d think it would present a problem, since he has been kept in here for three years.

Ultimately, whatever incomprehensible human rights quandary this setup presented is resolved when you help Stilton out by knocking him the fuck out, because multiple additional or renovated shitters appear around Stilton Manor in the fabulously altered 1852 at the end of the mission.

Addermire Recuperation shitter!

Y’all ready to recuperate? Head to the Addermire Institute of Infectious Diseases, where this bunk is reserved just for you and your recuperation. These are the amenities that await you here: A minibar filled with ether and highly flammable liquor! Loads of cheery sunlight just streaming through the windows! The ambient sounds of bloodflies nesting in the walls! Natural grass flooring? And a chamber pot that is mostly yours, mere inches from your pillow. Plus, the Good Doctor’s office is right next door, so just give a yelp if you need anything at all. If this place yelps anything, it is certainly “recuperation”! I can feel myself already recuperating just looking at this.

Hamilton Bedchamber shitter!

Addermire Institute’s one and only janitor, Joe Hamilton, lives in a little apartment at the tippy top of the building’s central stairway. Janitor? That has to be a joke, right? While I can believe someone is paying him to hold the title of janitor, there’s no way he’s doing any work there. The place is too far gone - too “steeped in raw filth” - to be receiving any scheduled cleaning. Joe keeps a huge poster of Corvo Attano (hey, that’s me!) pinned to his vision board. He is so frightened of the Crown Killer that he barricades his room with the furniture you see here, as well as a tripwire just outside the door. The job sucks, and he’s under a lot of stress, which might explain his use of chamber pots as receptacles for HP potions.

Kirin Jindosh’s Certificate of Failure!

Lookie what I found! Hidden away in a closet, alongside a bunch of gross “laboratory reagents”, Kirin Jindosh keeps some Revenge Fuel framed and under glass. This Decree of Shame, and dare we say Dishonor?, is an official proclamation stating Dunwall is not here for your messy, sinful ways! Even the Electromagnetism Council, who cosigned this, doesn’t want to be seen with Kirin Jindosh.

Mindy Blanchard’s Apartment shitter!

Mindy is a tattoo artist, originally from Morley, who graces Wanted posters throughout Karnaca. This is the shitter in Mindy’s apartment! Note how she has changed out the traditional porcelain chamber pot with a fruit bowl. I love Mindy’s overall gritty aesthetic. Improvisation is both a survival skill, and a design element in the era of the Bloodfly Plague!

Outsider Shrine Shitter!

On your way to Jindosh Mansion, climb over a balcony to find this shitter with a view of a dark-sided shrine to the Outsider. Spooky! It looks to me, based on the splash pattern of the debris, that the bathroom was broken into from the side of the shrine. Priorities.

Brigmore Witches Fruit Dick!

This fruit dick sculpture/art installation is a wink from a saucy game developer that you will only see if you use your spyglass to zoom on a conversation between two witches at the royally fucked Dunwall Tower. Go sneak a peek at it, if you dare!

Dunwall Tower Passageway shitter!

Care to have dinner with Delilah the Rampaging Despot? Ms. Lucile Clothilda was invited to Dunwall Tower to do just that. I’m not sure what exactly transpired to cause her to wind up face-down in the shitter, but through careful detective work (read the letter attached to her ass) we can know that she arrived at Dunwall Tower believing that she would be treated to a sumptuous meal. Maybe her shellfish was poisoned, or maybe it was the clockwork Jindosh Soldier with the razor hands patrolling up and down the hallway, just outside this bathroom, that caused her a mortal wound? None can say for certain.

Ravina Boulevard shitters!

The following is a lesson in the wealth disparity of residents on Ravina Boulevard, located in the Palace District of Karnaca. We can see that some residents enjoy numerous creature comforts, including rugs, carved wooden cabinetry, indoor plumbing, and even lovely wall hangings.

Other residents of the same district live in a contrast of poverty. No bathtubs here, only wash basins. They have to empty the chamber pot somewhere, and the “wall hangings” consist of peeling paper. Their very surroundings are sepia-toned.

However, perhaps “wealth” is a subjective matter. The occupant of the second residence evidently bathes their feet in milk, which is quite luxurious, actually.

Stilton Attic - Shitty Lie!

I’m sure many Bucket Brigadiers can identify with the story of disappointment that I am about to share. While on Shitter Safari, wandering through the dilapidated ruin of Stilton Manor, I looked up to see this a promising location for a shitter sighting. Yes, my heart leapt as I parkoured up some bookshelves, chandeliers and broken beams into Stilton’s attic. But just as a twinkling gem on a riverbed turns out to be merely some glass from a beer bottle, there was no shitter here! Such is the danger of getting one’s hopes up. I even used the Outsider’s Timepiece, desperately hoping to at least find a chamber pot in the past, but this attic was just a housing for a spare bathtub. What a letdown!

Dunwall Tower Pisspot Cranny, Before and After!

Right at the beginning of Dishonored 2, you’ll make your way downstairs to eavesdrop on Mortimer Ramsey and pass this nook filled floor-to-ceiling with chamber pots. They’re all being used for houseplants. I thought this intriguing, but not that unusual. I, too, keep a houseplant in a chamber pot. Well, come back later when you’re ready to face down Delilah and you may ask yourself, “Am I seeing shit?” You’ll find this mess in the room where the pots used to be - This time, the plants are taking root in the floor, and the chamber pots are back to their original intended use!

Royal Palace Master Suite shitter!

Dull. Formulaic. Pedantic. What image do these words conjure? For me, it’s Duke Abele’s personal shitter.

The Duke of Serkonos favors the interior design stylings of a sterile hospital, which is ironic, considering the actual working condition of the Addermire Institute, which falls under the Duke’s rule. The cold marble floors, the emotionless floral arrangement, the neatly organized desk accessories - All this gives the impression of a regime on the straight and narrow. Don’t be fooled! In actuality, it is all symptomatic of a man deeply at odds with himself. In spite of his home’s design affect, this dude also attends orgies and has dead bodies piling up in his drug den (located near the guard outpost!).

Special bonus features: That unconscious body in the doorway is the Duke himself! And secondly, a brave “self-portrait” the Duke tried to hide from me on his balcony. Sorry, but I make it my business to enter a building through the roof, and couldn’t help but capture this masterpiece for eternity on my hard drive. This two-dimensional derpy mug, and its numerous chins, must to be celebrated. Hiding this genius from the world would be a crime.

Dreadful Wale shitter!

This lavatory can be found on Billie Lurk’s skiff, the Dreadful Wale, which is also an anagram for “Farewell Daud.” Pause for a collective eyeroll. Note the features of this shitter: Handrails, cozy lighting, some flagged books, and no sink. That’s okay, if you’re completing the game with zero deaths, you come out with Clean Hands at the end anyway.

So, they just dump the chamberpot over the side of the boat when they’re done, right? Tell you what, Dunwall. Once you get this whole ‘extremely deadly lack of sanitation’ thing under control, with the rat infestation and all that, might be a good idea to channel some of the funding you set aside for solid marble edifices into Science and Education.

Addermire Institute shitters!

So… let’s talk for a minute about Emily Kaldwin, and her “reign as Empress.” Young Emily came to power in 1827, in the original Dishonored, when she was about 10 years old. She remained Empress for 15 years until she was temporarily deposed by Delilah in Dishonored 2. As the heir, she was raised to become Empress, and during the 15 years of actually being the Empress, she did fuckall, let’s be honest. These damning photos are from the Addermire Institute of Infectious Disease.

This horrendous display caused me to exclaim, “Where were you, Emily?!” I had to jack the brightness all the way up just to see anything in this dark-as-fuck hallway. These are the only shitters I could find in the entire complex, and where the people in charge (Emily Kaldwin and Co) expect you to find repose when you’re being treated for plague. This ain’t clean, Empress! And I took these pictures at great personal risk, as there were fat, jingling loot sacks (also called ‘guards’) patrolling up and down, whining about how hard they work. A swarm of them even parked themselves in the stairwell so they could play dice.

This fucking place. No one was running inspections here. It is busted, sad, and an affront to human dignity. None of us who has suffered from a secondary infection while in a hospital can fail to experience a fountain of fury bubbling up inside after witnessing this mess. Let’s all stand and salute the shitters; these noble, stoic sentries, keeping it together in the face of extreme bullcrap.

Emily Kaldwin was a shit Empress, and she deserved to be kicked off the throne. Hopefully, she learned something! If you play Dishonored 2 as Emily, try to earn back the title, won’t you?

Dust District shitter!

Here’s a bathroom in a residence not far from Stilton manor, with about 4 inches of silver dust piling up on the floor, and boarded-up windows that barely let the light in. Hard labor in the silver mines of Karnaca is tough, and the most naïve among us suffer the greatest - in this case, the shitters. Oh, don’t look at me like that. The resident of this apartment didn’t really ‘break their back’ in Stilton Mines. They’re definitely exaggerating! First of all, that slogan is slapped on walls and alleyways all up and down this street. And second, how’d they reach over the clawfoot porcelain tub like that to write on the wall with a broken back? No, the one who has it the worst is the shitter, because God knows what terrible fate befell it. My shocked face quickly shifted into my sad face when I saw this wooden potty with no chamberpot inside. Let’s cross our fingers that the bowl got lucky, hopped a ferry, and is living out the rest of its days on a vineyard somewhere in Tyvia.

Stilton Manor’s Alternate Timeline shitter!

If you were at all skeptical over the virtue of your deus ex machina actions concerning Aramis Stilton, allow this to allay your doubts.

A little backstory: When you first tiptoe through Stilton Manor, you’ll find evidence of a lot of interrupted renovation work. There’s stone and mortar piled about, new layout maps, and notes left here and there mentioning a planned housing expansion. But this was all halted, and due to the witchcraft debacle of 1849, Stilton Manor was never renovated. But if you use the Outsider’s timepiece to travel back to that fateful day, and throw a wrench into Delilah’s plans (just knock Stilton out with a sleep dart while he’s muttering to himself on the back patio), the timeline changes, and so does Stilton Manor. Instead of a festering heap of copious bloodfly hives, the mansion will transform into an airy, artsy retreat with endless halls of smooth white marble.

And here’s the real proof that you did the right thing, hero. In the alternate present, this area, once blocked off for renovation, becomes an office with an en suite. The penultimate reward for a job well done is this immaculate shitter, which would not even exist, if not for you.

Dunwall Tower Master Bedroom shitter!

Here’s some more Before & After Action brought to you by the Designing House of Brigmore. At the start of the game, this is possibly the first shitter you see. It is located at the end of the hall of the Bedchamber Suite. What I’m assuming is that Emily and Corvo share this, as neither of their bedrooms have private shitters. This room provides a convenient spot to stash the body of the guard you choke out in the hall (just plunk him right into the bathtub).

You see this room again when you return to Dunwall Tower to eliminate Delilah for good. The Royal Washroom got a facelift, and a faceplant right into some conjured brambles! To get this LOOK for yourself, take any container you see, tip its contents on the floor, and use the mess to anchor a bunch of tallow candles. Your guests will appreciate the bathtub daybed, complete with Hug-Me Hartebeest Head. Random wig stands provide the perfect “Je ne sais quoi dafuq” that you need to keep your visitors nervous and guessing. Break and stain shit, but don’t smooth out the original wrinkles in the floor coverings, especially if you love the sound of guests clenching their teeth until they crack.

Dunwall Tower Storage Room shitter!

As you exit the Kaldwin Saferoom, through the back door and onto the rooftops of the city, you must pass through a narrow corridor stuffed with the things that rich people hang onto, like extra couches and paintings (like, four dozen couches and paintings). In your haste to get to the meat and potatoes of the game, you might say to yourself (as I did), “Surely there wouldn’t be a shitter in here.” Au contraire, Brigade! It is yet unclear if this shitter is supposed to just be stored here, or if anyone actually uses it. I guess if you wanted to toss the contents out over the city of Dunwall when you’re through, that’s your perogative as a member of the ruling elite.

Kaldwin Saferoom shitter!

Emily Kaldwin’s super secret clubhouse is festooned with all the comforts and privileges a lil Empress could desire. That means platters of fresh, firm fruit, crisp bedlinens and laundered coverlets, and shelves of stiffly-bound books, trinkets, memorabilia, and baubles. There are two iron-clad safes full of gold bullion, and a humming furnace. It even has a secret entrance (accessible only with a special key that is in the form of the Royal Signet ring). Seems the perfect place to cuddle up with a copy of Tale of the Mariner’s Voyage, and hide from one’s responsibilities for hours.

Well, you can fuck right off with that highborn shit, because Delilah Copperspoon is here off the mean streets of Dunwall with some decorating ideas of her own. And she prefers to use Nature’s Palette of tracked-in grime and runoff rainwater! Clutch your pearls! The Designing House of Brigmore demands a looser grip on that stuffy notion of “a reasonable degree of filth.” When Delilah wrested control of this circus, she blasted that locked door right off its hinges and did away with the posh linens, satins, and silks. Gone are the snacks and the knick-knacks! Gone are yesterday’s useless heirlooms (note that poor Mrs. Pilsen has been tossed right in the fucking toilet)! This isn’t even the full room. This is just the part of the room with the shitter in it. Elsewhere in the Saferoom, there was a marble carving of a female figure, but when Delilah took over, she replaced it with an actual human man encased in splintery black witch crystals.

What do you say, Brigade? Which version is better: Rich Girl’s Refuge, or Profane Pigsty?

Dunwall Tower shitter!

A private citizen is holed up in this bathroom in Dunwall Tower. He’s scared to leave because there’s a killer robot roaming the hall outside the blocked-up door, but you can get in by crawling through an opening near the ceiling. Once inside, you’ll be able to reassure him that help is on the way and he’ll be rescued from Delilah very soon, but mostly you’re here to check out the shitter.

Don’t worry about him, the dude’s hierarchy of needs are more than met. There’s some shitter food in here and I know he’s got plenty of that desalinated tap water fresh from the sea waters surrounding Dunwall Tower. He’s got a couple of dressmaker dummies for company and some lorebooks for when he gets bored. A shitter is the best possible place to have to hide out in the event of a Witchcraft Coup.

Royal Conservatory shitter!

Here’s a room that was created for the sole purpose of making sure there was a shitter in this building. Thank you very much, Arkane Studios. There’s nothing in this room aside from a functioning toilet, a dead guy, and two bullets.

Duke Abele’s Royal Guards’ shitter!

The Duke lives steeped in opulence in the nouveau-riche, modern expressionist Royal Palace, that sports a ghastly cast plaster exterior. Aramis Stilton has more taste, and I think the Duke is trying to play catch-up. Abele spent a lot of cash on his palace, but cut corners on the facilities for his support staff. I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t want to shit here. It is slightly less dreary than a workcamp barracks, and Duke Abele obviously didn’t feel the need to spring for any kind of floor coverings, a second sink, or even a second coat of paint. The shitter itself is fine; it is innocent, and is just trying to do its job.

In case you were wondering, no, I didn’t incapacitate these guards, they were already slumped over drunk when I got here!

Stilton Manor Guest Bathroom shitter!

An exquisite guest bath featuring a rip in the very fabric of time. Speaking of fabric and time, it’s interesting to see the dirty laundry has remained unshifted in both past and present. Note the fabulous addition of mannequin heads in both the tub and the shitter bowl. A unique feature of this shitter, aside from the whole timewarp thing, is the alcove-type nook with interrogation lighting. Sit your ass down and explain your shit, Stilton!

Dunwall Tower Hallway shitter!

You might recognize this spot from the first Dishonored, as the location where the Lord Regent is arrested after you expose his crimes via loudspeaker. Just look at how the plucky Brigmore Witches have transformed this dull, ordinary hallway into a cluster of shit stalls, decorated with profane scrawlings and filth! These ladies really know how to make a house a home. If you need to get all dolled up for a visit from the Duke, this is the spot to get fresh, pretty and demure. What do you think you’d find if you turned that chamber pot in the middle rightside-up? I’m fully certain there’d be a nice bouquet of colorful roses.

Paolo’s shitter!

Slippery eel and Outsider enthusiast Paolo (no last name, because he is a standalone rockstar) calls a near-empty apartment above the Crone’s Hand Pub home. This is Paolo’s very own shitter - Notice there is no toilet! I don’t think he’s using that bucket, either. Paolo is a sorcerer who can transfigure into a cloud of rats like Sewer Dracula, so he might not need a normal shitter at all. I can definitely imagine this grimy little weasel crimelord just blooming into a swarm of rats and shitting all over the city that way.

Fun Fact: The character Paolo is voiced by Pedro Pascal!

Fenella Reid’s shitter!

Due to a helpful letter left behind, we can know that Ms. Fenella Reid worked for the Boyle company, and at the time of Peak Delilah she was living in a collapsing, ruined townhouse on Kaldwin Boulevard. Though Fenella eventually left town, her shitter stayed behind as a testament to the vulgar inhumanity of dark-sided witchcraft! When I saw this puddle of smashed porcelain, I just wanted to drop to my knees and scream “why, why, WHY?”, but since I’m going for the Ghostly achievement I just silently took a dignified picture, like a professional combat correspondent. I definitely choked out the Brigmore Witch that was standing lookout at the top of the townhouse. Earlier in the game, you overhear two witches cackling about how satisfying it is to smash precious dishware. I’m sure this was her doing, the villain.

The Incredible Time-Traveling Shitters of Stilton Manor!

Aramis Stilton gives the impression of a well-meaning, if not simple-hearted fellow who just wants to collect art and arrange flowers. How did his manor fall into such disrepair? The long and short of it is Stilton permitted Duke Abele and his shitty cronies to use his home for a séance that ultimately gave physical form to the spirit of Delilah. Now he’s trapped in a prison in his mind, but you can free him using a hand-held, dark-sided timepiece and a strategic bump on the noggin.

The timepiece can also be used to check out Stilton’s phenomenal shitters. You can use the timepiece to either take a little peek back in time through a glass, or transition entirely from the present to the past. Clearly, time and witchcraft has taken a toll on Stilton’s master bathroom. Though the decor was quite nice back then, nature added some beautiful and dignified additions of her own. Some fallen pipes now house ornamental grasses, vines, and god knows what else, and a brass alligator statue salutes us from the bow of that bathtub. The shitter itself remains whole and in working order in both timeframes. The complexity of this washroom is yet unsurpassed.

This shitter is a contender for the esteemed Blue Bowl of 2019.

Clockwork Mansion Master Bedroom shitter!

Towering high above the rat-infested streets of Dunwall is the Clockwork Mansion of Kirin Jindosh! It has four floors and two bathrooms. Fuck you I guess if you work here.

If you want to complete the game without ever being seen, you’ll want to traverse the entire map of the Clockwork Mansion without using any floor-shifting levers even once. This is possible if you smash the skylight in his entryway with a bottle and climb around in the ceilings above all the moving parts. However, if you want to take a picture of Kirin Jindosh’s private shitter, you’ll need to move one or two levers.

Jindosh is a weird guy, and not because he spends his life disguising his torture-lab as a quirky, upper-class amusement park. His washroom is way bigger than most entire apartments in Dunwall, and it looks like he mixes his relaxations with his work because there’s a microscope on the table near his bathtub. Maybe he likes to look at his toenail lint under magnification. Freak.

The washroom, which doesn’t even have a chamberpot, let alone a toilet, is in a fussy configuration to the bedroom, which houses the toilet in a little closet. The shitter itself has terrible lighting and is rather unremarkable. Frankly, Jindosh, I’m disappointed in you! To access either one, you’d have to be standing on the other side and use a lever. That part might not so much weird as it is overly complicated, but he has peppered the walls of his washroom and his shitter with portraits of nogoodniks and criminals (including Delilah, Luca Abele and Aramis Stilton), and that part is very weird!

Clockwork Mansion Assessment Chamber shitter!

The second shitter in the Clockwork Mansion is located in the basement, within the shifting maze that imprisons Anton Sokolov. In the first Dishonored, Sokolov is a jackass who gets happy watching rats cannibalize each other. But in Dishonored II, he’s portrayed as a grandfatherly figure to Emily Kaldwin. Anyway, here’s his prison shitter.

Does it say something ‘nice’ about Kirin Jindosh that he provides a shriveled ancient like Sokolov with a satisfactory shitter like this one? Not necessarily; it just implies Jindosh is hoping to keep Sokolov locked up for a very, very long time.

Boyle Mansion shitters!

Sorry, aristocracy, but your shitters suck. The bathrooms in the Boyle mansion are bland, lame, and boring as fuck! For all their finery, these shitters have none of the nuance and mirth of even the poorest shitters of Dunwall. I guess it does speak to how the rich, creamy ruling class finds their own existence to be so utterly tedious, darling.

Distillery District shitter!

The most no-nonsense shitter of them all, full of shiny loots and resting alongside a stack of books to ponder. The noble chamber pot, located in a nook of the Distillery District, is primarily used by Slackjaw’s gang. But don’t think this is enough for the likes of The Bottlestreet Gang. There’s something beautiful about a bunch of big ‘n tall thugs perching delicately on the edge of a porcelain saucer.

And if you want insight into class disparity during Gristol’s rat plague, compare this hovel to the carved, solid walnut in the Boyle Mansion shitters.

Dunwall Tower: The Lord Regent’s shitter!

Hiram Burrows, Lord Regent and main antagonist for two-thirds of Dishonored, is a dreadful boogeyman who concocted a coup against Empress Jessamine and framed you, Corvo Attano, for her murder. This is where he shits: A darling and precious chamberpot that did not deserve this life. From the observer’s POV, this looks like a great government job. The opulent surroundings of Dunwall Tower, with all the finest appointments of a steampunk dystopia, and you get to bask in the eerie pale blue glow of this gaudy bedchamber. But, and I think all chamberpots everywhere would agree, you’d probably rather lay broken in an alleyway than be the personal shitpot of a genocidal dictator.

Don’t get the Lord Regent of Gristol confused with Hiram Burrows of Port Jervis, NY. Check out this mention of a real Hiram Burrows, who died of Typhoid, in an 1869 issue of The Evening Gazette.

Dunwall Tower shitter!

This one is a little fucky, but I’m not convinced that it’s the shitter’s fault. You can see the chamberpot is clipping into the wooden seat of the shitter. Is it trying to run? Maybe it has to do with the fact that there’s a highly combustible drum of whale oil, alongside the open fucking flame of a lantern mere feet from where you are supposed to feel most at ease. The wooden hinged lid is spattered with whale oil. This room reminds me a lot of this shitter on Talos I. The rogue government of Gristol can make hydraulic super soldiers that shoot rockets with no problem, but trust them to jerry rig a veritable bomb in a restroom. What a filthy debacle.

Hound Pits Pub shitters!

In the words of Nicky Santoro, “Peekaboo, you fucks, you! I see you, mother fucker!” Using Corvo’s special secret vision, I saw Piero “checking the keyhole for structural integrity” while Callista was in the bath. When confronted, he begged me for “discretion” and fled. Yes, I looked, but I had to. I’m investigating the murder of the Empress. This is important. It wouldn’t be in the game unless it was part of the clues. Anyway, it was kind of a yawnfest. Once you see one defeated, plague-starved former-aristocrat scrubbing at the iodine under their fingernails in vain, you’ve seen them all.

Dunwall Distillery shitter!

Winner! of the 2014 prestigious Brown Ribbon!

This dreadful haunt won Best of the Worst in 2014. How would you like to even glance at a place like this, much less have to use it in an emergency? Epidemic pathogens abound in the alleyway behind Dunwall Distillery. If you ever run into someone who doesn’t give a shit about the rat plague, just have them visit this gruesome squat, and I can guarantee you they will never be able to stop giving a shit from that point forward.

The Golden Cat shitters!

Welcome to the Golden Cat, a ‘gentleman’s bathhouse’ in the Distillery District. Now, I know what you’re gonna say, and I just want to go ahead and stop you from bothering to put on a clean shirt. Because this is how the other half shits. The demure, pristine crystalline plague phlegm fairies of the Golden Cat who delivery military-grade handjobs and electrocution fetishes get into character in this amazing Associates-Only boudoir. Note the numerous amenities that are just some of the incentives to working for Madame Prudence, and you even get a private shitter that really just can’t be surpassed. Gotta have a few Piero’s Spiritual Remedies stocked in that third-world closet for when you’re screaming to Heaven for relief from the hangover.

Burrows Lighthouse Shitter!

The swankiest shitter in Dunwall. This is even nicer than the toilets at the Boyle mansion. There are clean linens laid out for Admiral Farley Havelock to wipe the blood of the Loyalists from his hands. All the utilities work (more than what you can say for the entire city of Dunwall). This interior design really has that ‘Grand and Stately Bullshit Rumored to be Classy’ Look, and it’s ghastly.

Dunwall Prison shitter!

Here’s where the Mission to Escape Dunwall Prison begins! The heart of darkness, mere meters from the entrance to the Dunwall Sewers. Here’s Corvo’s cell, starring a City Watch Guard who is keeping my seat warm. Don’t worry, he’s still alive. I only choked him out and set him down to rest on the shitter. Silent and non-lethal, my motto for Dishonored.