What’s sad, Brigade? I mean what’s really, really sad. How about a family of Redguards dying at the hands of eyeless, cannibal ghouls in an icy prison at the edge of the world? If that was your guess, go ahead and pat yourself on the back because baby, you earned it.
Yes, I’m playing Skyrim again. Why? Because I feel like it, okay! And also, I realized that Elder Scrolls VI is coming out pretty “soon” and I haven’t gotten all the achievements yet on the Legendary edition. So here we are. But it’s a good thing, because BEHOLD! Frostflow Lighthouse has a couple of chamber pots in the living quarters. When you stumble onto this scene of carnage in the middle of the frosty armpit of the world, it’s very messy, and there’s locked doors and mysterious mystery. Fortunately, they left behind a lot of diaries and notes that really spell it out for you. Ramati and Habd bought this lighthouse for their family home, and although their children hated it and one was even fixing to run away, they tried to make a life here. But then that life was met by terrible Death! Who could have done this? And what is the strange clicking sound coming from the basement? Speaking of which, if you want to get into said basement you will need to find the key, hidden in “Mother’s Favorite Keepsake.” Happens to be a burial urn. Fuck’s sake, Ma.
After stepping ginglerly over cracked femurs and shimmying down a thrilling ice chute slip-n-slide, locating the party responsible, and destroying it, you get a chance to recover Habd’s remains and do the decent thing by giving him a proper burial. In return, you’ll receive a nice buff to your Restoration skills.
Here we see the skeleton of Drokt, a self-described simple man who chose to die rather than give up solving a Dwemer puzzle. He leaves behind a diary entry that details the trouble he encounters with the contraption. He may not have had the extreme intelligence of the Dovahkiin (from right to left, you just keep pressing each button until it won’t go anymore and the puzzle will unlock), but at least he had a shitter.
Player must remain outside melee range. -10 Speechcraft.
Ralis Sedarys is a Dunmer who has archeological ambitions and dreams. He needs some funds from you (11,000 Septims total) to dig through the layers of volcanic ash on Solstheim’s southern shore, because he says there’s gems and stuff down there. At this point in the game you already have a lot of cash, so the coins you toss at him in installments to get to the bottom of all this is really just a drop in the bucket. If you’re really that worried about it, go sell three Ebony greatswords and your costs are covered.
Things get more and more weird as Ralis makes progress, but because you’re the Dragonborn, you basically just watch him gradually lose his friggin mind, while you loot the barrow, and then save the day afterward. Here’s a shitter that can be found once Ralis sets up camp. Its placement changes slightly over the course of the quest, but like any good shitter, it’s a steadfast pal who sticks with ya ‘til the end.
Ever go searching for Winterhold College’s missing apprentices? Here’s one of them - Borvir, a barefoot corpse, lays within arm’s reach of his boots, and shitter. He came out here to study mead, the production of mead, and the effects of frost magic on mead. Little did he know he would be studying nothing, because he’s dead at the hands of a few bandits.
Today’s lesson takes us to the Dwemer ruin of Mzinchaleft. In a foyer near the entrance, we find a campsite with what looks like a shitter. On cursory glance, it has all the traditional expectations of a shitter for this setting. I caution you, Brigade, against complacency, and the fog of simple-minded speculation! A closer examination shows the campers were just using this bucket to tote around weird herbs.
The Nord ruin of Forelhost is a mess of fallen masonry, empty treasure chests, and dead chumps (tricked into treasure hunting by Captain Valmir, a Dunmer camped by the entrance). Pick your way through the obstacle course of rusted spinning blade traps and fire that shoots out of the walls to find a shitter. Careful, Dovahkiin! This skelebones from a billion years ago was killed when he tried using the water closet!
Mirell Hoofbeat lives at a backwater settlement on The Farmers’ Coast. He has a barbaric iron-barred cell in his basement where he keeps his daughter, Bea, who is sick with worms. See, to keep Bea from biting people and burning houses, Mirell has to keep her locked in the basement. Yes, worms are to blame for this!
Well, it ain’t worms, it’s the Red Madness, but anyone with a brain could see that. I shouldn’t be too harsh on Mirell. He’s likely illiterate, has a maximum of nine teeth, and no birth certificate.
When you explain it to Mirell, carefully, and using very small words, he’ll give you a family heirloom in exchange for advice on how to put her down like a sick horse. When you come back in a few days, Mirell claims he did it with a poison tea, but I doubt that. Look at how this cell is all covered in blood! Are you just going to leave it like this, you filthy pig? At least he had the basic humanity to offer Bea a shitter while she was in captivity.
Enderal: The Forgotten Stories is a mod for Skyrim which is takes place on a landmass entirely separate from Tamriel. It is available for free on Steam.
Have you ever lived in a crawlspace under an ancient city corrupted by wealth and greed, using a communal shitter shared by seven other people? You know, I haven’t either, but if you’re curious about what that would look like, head to The Warrens, an absolute trash heap in Markarth. It is one of many disgraces of this city. The entrance is right next to the place where they drown thieves, so you can’t miss it.
The wikia article states the following: ‘There is absolutely nothing of value in the main hallway, with the exception of some firewood near the central fire.’ BEG PARDON? Is no one going to acknowledge the brave, solitary, wooden hero that deserves all the commendations and medals ever made, and the only thing here that’s keeping this shit together?
Here is an art doll that I made, using stitched glass beads, lacquered paper, copper wire, Alpaca fibre, and embroidered linen.
Responsible campsite upkeep is important. You don’t want to be creating a mess for future campers. The Golden Rule of camping in Skyrim is: Take only deer pelts, butterfly wings, thistle, hawk feathers, spiky grass, and Dragon Priest artifacts; leave only footprints.
His voice-type is ‘MaleEvenToned’. BYOHPlanterNPC lives in an alternate dimension outside of the Hearthfire homes. He exists suspended in a gray void, entirely naked. His entire life’s purpose is to hold your plants.
This shot has terrible lighting, but they sleep in their basement and only have these rudimentary horn candles to see by.
A love story of pure solid gold is that of newlyweds Addvild and Leonara Arius. They work Snowshod Farm together. If you talk to Leonara, she’ll tell you about how she fled Cyrodiil, knocked on the first door she found, and it happened to be this Addvild guy. Conveniently, they fell in love! Here’s where they sleep, dress, and crap. I think they have a His and Hers thing going on.
If you have the misfortune to need use of the facilities in the necromancers’ hideaway of Sunderstone Gorge, be sure to bring along antibacterial wipes, gloves, hand soap, a Tetanus shot, Neosporin, some Swiffer cloths, Lysol, and a Benadryl.
This attraction can be found in the Wyrmstooth addon for Skyrim. Here we see an “annoying bard” complaining about the era’s only toilet choice.
Huh. Just what the fuck do you suppose is happening in this picture, bucket brigade? Coldwave Crescent is populated by only Frost Trolls, but it seems like the party is just getting started at this cave in Wyrmstooth - a Disco of Depravity!
At least, I am pretty sure this is the spot to squat for the werewolf hunting group known as the Silver Hand. It’s pretty messed up, but the entire fort here is filthy and disgusting so, what do you want. All the hallmarks of a shitter are here, including bucket, shovel, and book, as well as that crate where I’m assuming they place the book when it’s not strewn on the fucking floor. These guys are way more interested in skinning werewolves alive than keeping house. They are enormous assholes.
This is a sculpture I made of Skyrim’s jazbay grapes. It’s glass beads and cotton embroidery.
In this Dwemer ruin, you’ll find a crawlspace under some pipes where a guy named Endrast hid from a Falmer attack. Though the poor fella dies with an arrow in his shoulder, he was only scant meters from a shitter, and I take comfort in that. Aside from this example of their immeasurable cruelty, in Alftand we can observe the brilliance of Falmer engineering (third photo).
Notice that even though this area has been taken over by the vampire Minorne, the Vigilants of Stendarr that have been enthralled by her have left up the garlic braids. Strange…
Wyndelius Gatharian was holed up in this Nordic tomb for a year, using potions that made him look like a ghost to scare everyone away while he attempted to claim an ancient treasure for himself.
Well, after a brief tussle with Wyndelius (he dies), your reassurance to the townsfolk that the haunting of Shroud Hearth Barrow was just a Dunmer trying to solve a Nordic Puzzle Door is much appreciated! For your hard work, you are granted a curious reward: It’s the key to the treasure room in the Barrow.
Here is a sampling of some of the shitters I found in Skyrim’s various dungeons and jail cells.
Slide #1: The Emperor’s ship Katariah provides prisoners with shitters. And an end table, with fire on it. Everything looks up to code from here, guys.
Slide #2: The family home called Treva’s Watch is occupied by The Silver Hand at some point. My guess is because it boasts a couple of convenient, cramped, on-site jail cells.
Slide #3: Fort Neugrad has a creepy, witchcrafty vibe to its ward. There are six cells oriented in the lower level of a circular tower. Though each has its own shitter, which is really nice, there are also a ton of these birdcage torture devices littered about, with soul gems and enchanting tables here and there, as well as a candlelit ritual circle on the tower’s roof.
Slide #4: When I freed the prisoners from Fort Kastav, what interested me most is that each spacious cell was stocked with a shitter, a bed, and even some yummy dinners. This is practically the Marriot. While I was documenting these traits, at no time did I instruct or even advise the captives to attack some enemy soldiers outside the hallway! Listen, General Tullius, war is ugly. This is what those legionnaires signed up for when they put on that uniform and I only came to Fort Kastav to scout for shitters so don’t blame me if that unsanctioned skirmish resulted in the deaths of all the captives while I took screenshots downstairs!
Mercer Frey likes to act like he’s better than everyone, but he shits in a wooden pail just like everybody else.
Submitted by Bucket Brigadier askerandur! Isn’t it super that the Falmer provide shitters to their captives before slaying them mercilessly?
Did you ever feel bad for what Neloth’s fucked up experiments did to Ildari Sarothril’s sanity? Well, you won’t feel bad anymore when you see how she tortures her own prisoners by placing their shitter just out of reach! There was a lady still trapped in this dungeon when I got down here to take this picture. The compassionless disregard for the ethical treatment of prisoners is why this evil necromancer had to burn.
Located in the Forsworn hidey hole known as Deepwood Redoubt, this reckless brute is sleeping a scant three feet from an Ancient Nord corpse and it makes you wonder, how far is too far Gone Wild? Forsworn are constantly pushing the limits of wilderness living.
From the picture, this looks like a pretty nice campsite. But if you were there, you’d know that bucket is frozen to the damn floor. By the way, Falmer drag campers off into the darkness and cut them into pieces just for making a fire here, so I would recommend you proceed without squatting.
Was it The Call of the Wild: Yukon .. or White Fang? Maybe Iron Will (there were so many sled dog movies made in the 90s) in which the older man kvetches about how miserable such conditions are. He observes bitterly, “Watch your piss freeze before it hits the ground.” I wonder if that ever happens in Skyrim?
Don’t see a bucket, do ya? That’s because part of what makes being Jarl of Markarth so friggin sweet is peeing into a waterfall every morning. Because you can’t look at this and tell me that you wouldn’t. If you don’t know, the waterfall is behind the camera angle. It’s a lovely little private place where a chest of gold is kept. But I think we all know the real gold here.
This is the personal bucket of Madanach, The King in Rags, who is of course the dickass who “leads” the Forsworn Rebellion from his hidey hole in the Cidhna Mine prison. Quite the luxury accommodations afforded to Madanach. Forsworn Royalty seems to get the only shitter in the whole prison.
Camp out in this haunted nook with all the comforts of home. Bedroll, lantern (keeps the ghosties at bay), convenient shitter, mead on tap, and even a little cleaning supplies in case you get bored of that book and wish to play Cinderella.
This right here is why Jarl Ulfric Stormcloak is a vinegar-based feminine wash. The first photo is where Jorleif sleeps. No, really. Ulfric’s oldest friend, who he sorta just allows to hang around the throne room and pipe in with advice now and then, sleeps on the floor and shits in a corner of the kitchens.
Meanwhile (middle picture) you have rooms on rooms on rooms in the Palace of the Kings that are unoccupied. Some have fires going in them. Some don’t. Why bother heating the parts of your castle that will never be used? It’s not like you have a family or anything, Ulfric Foreveralonecloak. Fucking asshole! You’re telling me Jorleif can’t sleep in this bed here? Shit in this chamber pot, by the warmth of a fire?
And where does Papa Bear Stormcloak shit? Well, I’m not fully and 100% sure, but this is where he sleeps, and the only vessel in the room is a silver bowl. Yeah I’m pretty sure that Ulfric shits in a silver bowl. Dandy ponce.
Another hidden shitter in Skyrim! This starts out as a sword, named Red Eagle’s Fury, which can be inserted into a stone plinth at Rebel’s Cairn to trigger a trap door in the cave. If you complete the quest, and kill the draugr Red Eagle, you’d remove the sword to reveal its name has changed to Red Eagle’s Bane. Or, you could set it on fire, and turn it into a bucket, like I have demonstrated here.
Movarth Piquine is a master vampire who is mentioned in the Skyrim book Immortal Blood. When you first enter his lair, you’ll begin to see he is a collector of sorts when you witness his lackey gathering up wheelbarrows of boots from dead folks. But it isn’t until you get to his private chamber that you get the full grasp of his shoe fetish. He has a lot of primo footwear shored up, including a pair called Movarth’s Boots. They’re hidden from view behind his bed. The boots add 15 to Sneak, which doesn’t do Movarth any good, because he ain’t wearing them when you shoot him dead.
This one toes the line of what constitutes a shitter. It has all the standard markings (bucket, shovel and lantern combination), but is stored in a common area.
Lucien LaChance was the most tender vamp who ever un-lived.
This is a figurine I made of Skyrim’s Ancestor Moth. It’s stitched glass beads, embroidery, and felt with copper findings.
There’s not much to say about Anise that you don’t already know, because she is basically your average Nord. She’s old, she keeps to herself, she’s a witch, and she shits in a bucket.
This is a special gift from Delvin Mallory, installed for you himself with a designer’s touch. The built-in stone ledge for your toiletries doubles as a cubbyhole for the bucket. Really fancy.
In his Museum of the Lame and Boring, Calixto Corrium has what we might call a “dummy shitter” that this serial killer wants you to THINK is where he craps. Think again. In the bottom photo, which shows the interior of the hidden room at Hjerim, we see the real deal. Calixto dismembers his victims here, also drinks wine and eats friggen cheese and crackers here, and yes shits here too. Nice chamber pot, you filthy misogynist.
This tower facility seems to have been built for a high volume of prisoners, as the cells are quite roomy and there are numerous skeletons littered about. As usual, seems the only things to have really survived the storm and ensuing flood that killed everyone in the prison are… (slow clap) the shitters.
I’m getting mixed signals on morale among prisoners during their final days. Top photo, two shitters parked close together implies these prisoners may have been the ones who plotted a foray into the drain culvert (they left a NOTE!). The bottom pic sadly illustrates the far-reaching cost of The Silent Treatment. Seems someone wasn’t in on the escape plan (see ghost).
The following shitters were submitted by Bucket Brigadier imsopopfly!
Sunken Skull Barrow: I had begun to fear that you would find no more shitters in Skyrim, when I got a bright idea. Why not explore modded content? I have been exploring Falskaar of late in search of shitters to show you. This search has not been fruitless. Behold the first of the shitters I have found. This one is located in Sunken Skull Barrow. Simple, but functional! Also warm, just look how close it is to that nice fire. There’s even reading material! The local necromancers are lucky to have a shitter like this.
Vulkrund Keep: This is Falskaar correspondent imsopopfly reporting live from Volkrund Keep, where I have found a DOUBLE SHITTER. No illusions of privacy here, folks. May offend the sensibilities of the more squeamish among us. Then again, you can’t exactly expect sensibility when the place is run by some crazy necromancer trying to reshape the world with the power of the Daedric lord Vaermina. Honestly this double shitter is the least trippy thing in the entire keep, and a fine place to do your business when you consider the alternative.
Stoneridge Watch: The next shitter from Stoneridge Watch is rather bare-bones, but you can’t honestly expect more in a cell. The folks the bandits here keep prisoner should probably just count themselves lucky that they don’t have to use the floor instead.
These are gems! Thank you, friend! I’m particularly fond of prison shitters. It’s like your only companion sometimes in a jail cell. That bucket is Wilson.
The Orcs of Narzulbur Stronghold show us the two extremes of indoor bucketing, each at opposite ends of the longhouse. One is clean and private, the other is neither.
Septimus Signus, whacky devotee of Hermaeus Mora, lives in a frozen berth just north of the College of Winterhold. Here he has minimal creature comforts, such as an enormous Dwemer puzzle cube, to keep him company. As an old codger, Septimus isn’t going outside to poop in the snow. It’s a constant blizzard out there! So he has this bucket. I believe it’s upside-down as a tribute to how cwazy Septimus has gotten over the decades. I imagine him putting the ewer on top and saying, “Lovely!” Anyway I’d probably store it upside-down too. In that miniature cavern, it may help stifle the stink.
Submitted by Bucket Brigadier futilexistance! These Raiders know what’s what at Bloodskal Barrow. They moved in to this decrepit structure, and made it home. All they need is some dream catchers, and possibly a railing on the narrow, incredibly dangerous wooden catwalk that wraps around the tower.
They also made efficient use of this ancient burial chamber, complete with kitchen, mini library, bunk quarters and ample lookouts. In addition, as soon as you enter, there’s a bonfire piled high with Draugr. A simple solution to Zombies, and also makes for lazy firewood!
I went to Fort Greenwall at level 7, when it was occupied by Bandits. I ended up running away with my arms over my head shouting, “I just want to photograph your shitter!” I sort of forgot about that place, and today, at level 68 I saw it in the distance and thought, “Today is the day where I witness where y’all do Number 2.”
Since the Imperials are in charge now, I walked right up to the gate and said, “Excuse me, but do you have a public restroom?” Right this way, they replied.
Behold! I know what you’re thinking. That looks an awful lot like Fort Dunstad’s shitter! But what you’re witnessing is the fine and exacting standards of the milk-drinking Imperial military. Notice the Captain’s Quarters has its own chamber pot. You don’t expect the Captain to shit with all the petty officers? If I were this Captain, I would be less interested in the commode situation, and a little more concerned by the sleeping situation. If this doesn’t remind you of some #SochiProblems. That can’t be comfortable. I dare you to sort of casually remark to that last guy, “Yo nice crib dog. Dog. Nice crib.” There’d be a FIGHT.
As you meander along the cavern, as one of the only coherent sentient beings in Redwater Den, you’ll find this clean, well-maintained, relatively-private alcove for paying customers only. If there’s one thing these dope pushers know how to do, it’s making you as comfortable as possible during the Skooma shakes.
Redwater Spring shitter, which is separate from the veritable cattle stalls in Redwater Den. As opposed to the first location, this one is for the Vampires to use. It’s the Executive Bathroom.
Below deck, you’ll find numerous spots to squat. Watch out for Pirate Ghosts!
Don’t want an excess of poo poo stink when you’re down in the mines. Top photo is where the bandits shit. Bottom photo is the cruel conditions under which they force their prisoners to shit! Given the discrepancy in quality between the household bucket vs. the guest bucket, I am going to wager to guess that these bandits didn’t contribute much to the construction of these facilities. They most likely stole it from someone decent, and just stuck their name on it.
This is because all Skyrim items are first loaded into the database with their base image as a bucket. They are changed individually based on what the item and item class is supposed to be. However, the last remaining page of the Mysterium Xarxes, here located at the Dawnstar Museum of Dagon, has no burned version of itself in the database. So if you alter it with fire, it becomes a bucket again.
This magical nook is the prettiest place to poop in all of Skyrim! From the fanciful dancing of light on the cave walls, to the inventive use of wooden planks! The first Shitter of Skyrim that I ever found, and my favorite of all time.
A responsible camper always cleans up after his campsite.
This no-nonsense, military-grade, multi-bucket latrine is for the use of all genders and races of Tamriel, once you hand it off to the Imperials.
So here’s a story from a bit ago.
Jazbay Grapes are said to be super-rare, but they’re actually found in quite an abundance in the hot springs by Eldergleam Sanctuary. So I was just wandering around picking them, when I came upon three naked hunters lounging in the hot springs. You may be familiar with them. Their clothes are folded on the ground alongside the rest of their things.
As I stood around just looking at them, the woman says, “Yes?” I click on her and she asks, “What do you want?”, very rudely. The dude that’s there, I click on him too. And he goes “Can I help you?” I thought, these asses can’t even offer me some West Weald Vintage, or whatever they’re sipping on, at this love party?
So I thought, fuck these guys. I decided to steal their clothes and I grabbed all their clothes in one swipe and ran as fast as I could far away and hid. They followed for a short bit, but soon returned to their spawn point. I snuck back and they were PISSED! They were running all over the place, naked, fists up in fighting stance. Haha, be naked forever. And while I was sitting there cracking up, in the bushes hidden, watching them run around hostile and looking for me …
AW YEAH!! My Sneak improved, causing me to Level Up. Thanks, Naked Hunters!
And when I went back over 2 real-life months later to see if they were still there. They were still there, still naked, and still angry as shit.
Everybody poops; even necromancers poop. Note the leisure reading, sawdust barrel and scooper.
Here in Riften, the residents of this children’s home are taught proper hygiene by Constance Michel.
So much in common with Nords.
In Frostmere Crypt, Kyr has his own little home away from home, complete with nook for chamber pot.
Certainly a disappointment after seeing the other military-issue shitters in places like Forts Dunstad and Greymoor. This may prove messy during a siege.
Could not believe my luck when I found this little gem ‘round back of the abandoned-mining-camp-turned-roost-for-Ancient-Dragon, the bones of which you can see in the far background. Incidentally, the Word of Power at this location is part of Aura Whisper. But you know what would be even sweeter? Shitter Whisper.
Khraap.. Bukh.. Ett!
Faldar’s Tooth shitter. While the structure of the tower itself is a real dump, I was relieved to see the shitters were still completely intact. Note the three stalls for maximum output. There’s also a bookshelf on the opposite wall with potions of minor stamina (for when the going gets rough).
Genuine Orc crapper. Barely any privacy and I bet sleeping right behind it really stinks! But complaining doesn’t go over well in Orc households.
Valtheim Towers shitter. This bandit hideout is superb in so many ways. Plenty of sleeping space, a cookpot, and it spans the entire river via a sturdy, ancient stone bridge. And it even has a really nice shitter. But I don’t doubt these Raider idiots probably just dump the bucket contents into the river below, when they’re done. Possibly upstream? Well, they don’t have public education in Skyrim.
The shitter at the barracks is minimalist perfection. Point of Information: That’s a Potion of True Shot on the ledge.