Twin Chefs shitter!

Submitted by Bucket Brigadier Gunmetal! This is from the game Little Nightmares, in which the protagonist (a wee child) experiences the thrill of being a prisoner of the mind and running from their nightmares. Thank you for your sacrifice, Gunmetal. Though the graphics for Little Nightmares are genuinely innovative and quite beautifully drawn, I could never play this. Describing the scene for us, a dining hall on a cruise ship called The Moor, Gunmetal says the following:

“In this level there are these two creepy ugly chef guys that you keep having to hide and run from, my only guess is that they shit in tandem with each other.”

During my independent research, I observed the following: One, during some parts of the game, the chefs are attached to each other in much the same way as this toilet, and it’s very interesting that the game reserves for them a custom shitter. Commendable accomodations for the differently-abled.

Second, the level starts with the following description: “The Twin Chefs sense something that makes their skin itch. A dirty, unwelcome presence. Vermin will not be tolerated in the kitchen.” Of course, they’re referring to the player. Oh really? Do you see the state of this bathroom, wherein both chefs have left toilet paper rolls on the floor next to the crappers. The filthy assholes. Calling me a vermin? That really gets me fucking steamed. They also leave soap suds pooling on the floor around the overloaded washing unit, which will almost certainly cause a slip-and-fall accident, but maybe they figure they’ll get their hands clean in the dishwater because this bathroom doesn’t even have a sink! And no one is bussing the tables that continually pile higher and higher with dishes. The mood of gluttony is reminiscent of the transformation scene at the beginning of Spirited Away, and though I don’t believe that movie features even one solitary shitter, I can probably guarantee you the restrooms at Yubaba’s Bathhouse are in a higher eschelon of cleanliness than what we see here. Let me just change that health inspection grade of C to an F because this place is a fucking tip.

Hansa Train Depot shitter!

While still in the beginning of the game, at some point Anna (the protagonist’s wife) gets kidnapped by a group called Hansa. I kinda fought back, and maybe might have been shot and left for dead in a culvert. But, I found a medkit on a corpse, dusted it off, patched meself up good as new, and broke in to where Hansa was keeping Anna - A train depot, with tons of armed guards. God damn it, Anna, I loves ya, but you’re really a lot of work.

Upon rescuing Anna, a stealth mission begins, and you can’t even save during it, so it’s a great challenge. I found this shitter near the beginning of the level, so it’s almost like they give you the reward before you do the mission. This is a Минстрой-approved sanitation device, with a proper seat. It doesn’t even look cobbled together. This is some pre-war shit! Even if it doesn’t have a door, it is still somewhat sheltered from the elements due to the surrounding crates and concrete slabs. The candle and reading materials give it a reminiscent wink of comfort. I’m sure that book is left open because it’s impossible to fumble with the pages in subzero temperatures.

This shitter is a contender for the esteemed Blue Bowl of 2019.

Fanatics Church shitters!

Metro: Exodus is a post-apocalyptic, open-world stealth FPS, with shitters. For me, that is the golden ratio. It is like receiving a card in the mail full of hundreds. Set in Russia, this game was released in the early part of 2019, but I’m just getting around to it now, and boy howdy, this game is a goldmine of shitters.

Here are two shitters you find when you visit the Church of the Fanatics. It’s right as you first enter the Volga territory. Led by Father Silantius, the congregation first welcomes you by clanging a bell, waving enthusiastically, and cheering at you. “Come on in my brother, and receive our blessings!” So you know right away things are about to get freaky. Say what you will about homicidal psychotics, but these folks are OK in my book because look at these shitters. I’m the non-lethal type anyway when it comes to these games, so it worked out.

First time you find a shitter at the Fanatics church, it’s in the belfry. This one belongs to Katya and her daughter, civilians who warn you about the Fanatics hostile intentions. A simple bucket, tucked into an alcove, with a curtain for privacy. прекрасный!

The second shitter is downstairs in the main area of the church. It’s a proper bench-style, with a little candle, some books, and a sink outside for washing up after. In terms of post-apocalyptic sanitation, this is true luxury. I would say this is the высший shitter, and the amentities here are almost enough to make you wanna join the Fanatics! I chose non-lethal takedown of everyone present, but I’m thinking of coming back some day and settling down here. This is a four-bedroom, two-bath lakefront property with no mortgage, filled to the gills with glass jars of weird preserved carrots and stuff. дом, милый дом наконец!

Dishonored Shitters Roundup!

As 2019 draws to a close, let’s take a look at some of the Dishonored 2 shitters that are awesome just for existing, but maybe not awesome enough to warrant their own article.

First we have the Dust District’s Black Market shitter! The fanciest black market in the whole game, it has its very own shitter. The “I’m trying so hard to make it through this life” vibe is strong in this bathroom. The merchant’s clothing is laid out for the next day, or perhaps a night on the town? So you know that despair hasn’t fully sunk in yet. The towels are almost black with filth, yet neatly folded. I admire your spirit, black market vendor (who I totally choked out and robbed).

Next, we have the Karnaca Enclave Guardhouse shitter! It’s definitely a closet, and from the looks of it, that carpetting was installed in the time of Emperor Euhorn. Yeesh.

Additionally, take a gander at the Dockyard Quarter shitter, found during the Addermire Institute mission. Astoundingly clean and organized, albeit tarnished slightly by some NPC’s endless complaining.

The last one for this roundup is the shitter in Lucia Pastor’s mother’s apartment. Full disclosure: I don’t know if this is actually her mother’s apartment, or Lucia’s own apartment that she moved out of. I only know I found a letter in there addressed to the mother, so either Lucia lived here and never sent it, or the mother lived here and so that’s where she received it. Check out the mood candles. Very swanky.

C&P Boarst Factory Employees-Only shitter!

The “pork” factory on Monarch is run by a piece of shit cannibal named Clive Lumbergh. The top thug at SubLight wants to seize the factory, so she ordered me to fuck his assembly line all the way up and drive him out of business. I was given a few options: One was to poison the animals, but since they have a hard enough time as it is, I tried to show some compassion and left them alone. Another way was to enter new parameters into the security robot subroutines, causing them to kill all the human workers - I didn’t see the point in that either. But another option was to just sneak into his office and forge some of his tax records. Because in The Outer Worlds, it’s much worse to be a tax evader than to grind your workers into sausage. On my way out, I was surprised and thrilled to find the factory has an employee bathroom, which, at the time, was in use by this dude. You can imagine how thrilled and surprised he was to see me.

Roseway Gardens shitter!

Roseway Gardens was an Auntie Cleo’s operation located on Terra II. I say ‘was’, because as you can see, though it is surrounded by idyllic, volcanic farmland, at some point it all went tits-up when the compound suffered a terrible tragedy. And by terrible, I mean a breathtaking karmic rainbow stretched across the sky above Roseway, while a booming voice from the heavens sounded “You bastards deserved what you got.” The function of Roseway Gardens was the manufactory of beauty and home products. They accomplished this by experimenting on, and extracting the glandular secretions of, dinosauric reptiles. Yes, the creatures are mean, savage, and as big as a bus, but they are still entitled to their sanctity of life. And I’m not here to rescue animal mutilators from their shitty selves, so I took pictures and other evidence for the inevitable PETA tribunal.

Here’s another victim of Roseway’s corporate ugliness. This shitter was living its best life in selfless servitude on the Galactical Frontier. This shitter never harmed anyone! Now there’s windows where the wall once was, most of the ceiling is on the floor, and instead of a shitter it is now a shit hole. Fuck Auntie Cleo’s!

While I strolled around not helping anybody because I was so goddamn appalled, I found this recipe for a festive Holiday Hooch. 190 proof grain alcohol? These people don’t need my help. They’re going to solve their own problems.

Nanner Spank. A refreshing new fizzydrink, from Rizzo.

It’s World Toilet Day 2019!

The United Nations Summit on Global Sanitation takes place today! Today, committees meet to celebrate victories in sanitation advancements over the past 12 months, as well as discuss challenges for the future.

This year, the Rainbow School Toilet Initiative was completed in Yangling, China. 15 similar school projects are currently underway! This incredible advancement improves health, well-being, and even life expectancy for the school children of this community.

For many of us, a working toilet is a necessity that we expect to find everywhere we go. So much so, that we anticipate them even in video games. Please consider celebrating World Toilet Day by giving a donation of any amount to the World Toilet Organization. If every Bucket Brigadier donated even $5 today, think of the difference we could make!

You can read more about it on the WTO instagram, and secure donations may be given through the WTO website.

Clockwork Soldier, by Dr. Vauclair.

Dust District Offices shitter!

You enter this building to loot petty goods via the balcony. At first, you might think there’s not too much purpose to being in this building, until you realize the thrill of sneaking past the chattering secretaries, who are poised like two basilisks, typing at their desks, just to take a picture of their shitter. I felt like I was in Smaug’s chamber, seeking the Arkenstone. This is just me, Corvo Baggins, hunting down the Arkenthrone.