Aristocratic Medieval Vampire shitters!

From Bucket Brigadier ILikeSocks - “In this game, there are definitely different shitters for different levels of wealth. These ones look way better then the previous Resident Evil: Village shitters. The people in the village just get outhouses. And the dungeons have like, wooden boxes with a hole and no arm rests or anything! I think this might be the only one in the castle area. Last time I played, I was too busy shitting my pants to look for one. This is in the giant vampire lady’s bath area. Her daughters are hot as fuck. I can fix them…

Giant vampire mommy Lady Alcina Dimitrescu, she’s not literally a magic vampire, and her daughters aren’t witches. They are just mutants like very other RE enemy. Something something mold x parasite mutated them. Resident Evil is best when you don’t think about it too hard. I knew I had issues the first time I played, but I saw this and went ‘yes. I would like the ladies made out of mutant flies please.’ You can get a fly swatter weapon that does no damage, but when Lady Dimitrescu is hunting you, you can sneak up behind her and smack her on the ass with it.”

Fascinating. At first I thought, idk wtf this vampzomb needs a shitter for, but I’m listening. I’m learning. These exquisite heirlooms are chamber pot chairs, they have a few other names like “commode chair” but that sounds mildly like an insult so we shant be using that. They are what was used before we all collectively decided we could afford to waste water on a global scale (for hundreds of years, even). And you can sit on them instead of squatting over a bowl, so it saves your knees.

In this exhibit, we see two examples of toilet furniture. The rightmost chamber pot chair boasts a circular cavity where the pan is missing. Historically, this could mean it was removed for cleaning. Or perhaps the chair was simply decorative, enkindling the sentiments of decay, neglect, abandonment, and a yearning to be reunited with the parts of us that we may have been left behind along the way. Which, in a horror game, usually means “uh-oh”. On the left, a similar design has incorporated an oblong porcelain bowl. The graceful floral pattern evokes late 18th- to early 19th-century J. Maddock & Sons fine sanitation furnishing.

Ok, so what’s the difference? The round kind was generally a standard, one-size-fits-all style in which the chamber pot (here missing) could easily be replaced. Ergonomic, oblong pans were usually designed for women. As you recover from your shock in the sheer representation of it all, consider this. In a world that’s backwards, where people are tossed out like dirty toilet water, there’s a pink tax on everything and thinking of others is taboo, these two toilets are seated as the ambassadors of inclusive representation. Sure, they’re flush with wealth, but they’re the good kind of rich. They’re redistributive capitalists!

This submission is a contender for the 2025 Blue Bowl award.

Honest Work shitter!

From Deltarune Chapter 4. “Asgore is the struggling owner of a flower shop, n so also cleans his neighbor’s bathroom to make ends meet. This is his neighbor’s bathroom. The heart up there is your soul in the vents, peeking at what’s happening around the house.” Such an unexpected activity, and form, for your soul to undertake. Asgore is the modern-day Jesus! But rather than cleaning his neighbors’ feets in a gesture showing their walk in life shall not deter him from welcoming them into his home, he cleans their shitters, which is a gesture to show that wherever that money has been previously shall not deter him from pocketing it for what is quite literally 2 minutes of labor. Keep it up Asgore and love the gloves!

Submitted by bucket brigadier Rockin T!

Friendship Memories shitter!

Don’t hold yourself back from feeling the nostalgia whilst revisiting the haunts of the bygone, carefree era of youth! From bucket brigadier Rockin T, here’s a shitter that you doubtless remember from the past, now updated years later in Deltarune Chapter 4 (now with dialogue!). Says our brigadier: “They talk abt how they both flushed bathbombs down the toilet as kids.” The speaker here is Susie, supposedly an alligator, but looks like a horse from the 80s. Listen, Suse, this world is a shitshow, this life is hard, and you never know when it’s gonna be OVER. So relive those happy memories, whenever and wherever they arise! Let them flow through you and carry you on, like the currents of water through a well-plumbed sanitation system.

Most Wanted shitter!

This raider shitter wasn’t always part of a gang. Heck, he sure didn’t start out in a life of crime. This wayward shitter was raised in the suburbs, with clean values and a rigid schedule. His days were dotted with Abraxo scouring powder (and, occasionally, Abraxo Drain Cleaner). Doing what he was told and never questioning authority, just as American porcelain squat pots are best known for, through and through. And then, the bombs fell. And likewise, so did his morals! A descent into the disused subway tunnels, the criminal underworld! What would mother say! Ignore that dead chump totally ruining my shot. His story is over. But this shitter’s story lives on. And perhaps, let us judge not. Perhaps this grimy, brutal, lawless life is where this shitter was, at long last, truly valued.

Evil HOA shitter!

A shitter of fear from (you guessed it) bucket brigadier ILikeSocks, from Resident Evil: Village, right at the start of the game. “I think the scariest part of this one is the light layer of scuz on the toilet seat.”

This photorealistic shitter boasts two plants doomed to a windowless death, and a product placement that rivals Mac and Me. I see Too Faced liquid foundation, Il Makiage mineral baked blush, very obviously Atoclassic but in a tube somehow, EO French lavender hand soap, freaking Afrin nasal spray, TBH spot treatment, Olay retinol max, what I’m pretty sure is a discontinued Origins leave-in conditioner, fuckin Cymbalta and 500 mg acetaminophen. Oh and MinTees toothpaste of course, whatever the fuck that is.

Public Spectacle shitter!

If you make it out to Spectacle Island and clear it of mutant lobsters, you can build a town here! It’s never quite explained HOW the supply lines can make it across the water but I’m sure it’s something like what happens in Oregon Trail. I always set up settlers dressed up like a baseball team out here. This is the public shitter that you find already constructed. You can break it down and build a nicer one if you want, or you can leave it here as an homage to days gone by. I know this looks like some sick form of punishment, but who can say what these skelebones were doing here before they died in the big flash? Maybe they were celebrating a birthday!

Forgotten history shitter!

Submitted by bucket brigadier ILikeSocks: “Ancient Roman shitter, and Ancient Roman shitter graffiti. The game is “The Forgotten City.” It was recommended if you liked Outer Wilds and I finally bought it. It’s…. similar to Outer Wilds and I’m enjoying it, but it’s not quite as gripping. I guess it was originally a Skyrim mod made into its own game, which is hella cool. I don’t expect to be sad and filled with existential emptiness after beating it but it’s the closest I can get to scratching that itch.

You are a modern dude who discovers an ancient Roman city located underground and you are transported into the past when the city was still active. You and everyone else in the city are trapped there with no way out, and the god that has placed everyone there has one law: If anyone commits a sin every single person in the city will die.

The magistrate is convinced that someone is about to sin causing all their deaths and asks you to investigate to determine who the culprit is. Theres a time loop mechanic, so you can solve things by sinning and resetting the loop. Like one guy who’s a debt slave needs money to buy his freedom, so I stole 2k from a chest, reset the loop then paid him. Part of it is finding out what is considered a sin because everyone has different interpretations. Stealing is a sin, killing, etc. I was able to lie to someone which directly lead to them dying so there’s a element of figuring out what counts.”

Cool, cool, so graffiti is not a sin. Speaking of graffiti, that one says an orgy took place here which I heavily doubt. Especially because the second one says “They’re always watching” referring to the Judgey Judgers from Judgetown, the sky daddies who think stealing is super bad, but at the same time killing everyone isn’t. But I guess they’re saying the orgy wasn’t a sin.

Let’s talk for a minute about that second picture’s rollover reveal. This is disappointing, I’m sure, to all Bucket Brigadiers who know all about the xylospongium. Wisdom is indeed a burden, but allow the peace of knowing this knowledge is shared by all our readers worldwide wash over you like that kitchen water the lady tosses down into the shitter gutter. Haec ut felix faustumque sit.

Untold shitter!

From Stories Untold, a game with a stunning late-90s middle-class American aesthetic. This shitter is submitted by bucket brigadier Rockin T! “Playing a game that involves playing a text-based game within the game, and the text-based game briefly describes a bathroom you can enter. I looked around the room, and got this dialogue. And here’s a follow-up on the (same!) bathroom from later in the game.”

Speaking of text-based games, you can play a real one from the actual 1990s called Jacaranda Jim, play it for free: Graham Cluley Website.

It’s you. Hi.

I could kiss you!

We still don’t need a remaster but look at our girl S’jirra, radiant, revitalized, and glowing.