Gen Alpha Chortle shitter!

This post is brought to you by Bucket Brigadier ILikeSocks! From the game Return to Grace: “Shitter of the future, I think. Do they just shit in the grate and then wafflestomp it down? I haven’t found any others yet. It’s an alright story but I take it in short bursts. It’s a walking sim, You’re an explorer/archeologist lady looking for some lost spire that used to house an all powerful AI called GRACE that allowed humanity to spread out among the stars before she was lost and humanity fell into a dark age. GRACE has been shut down for like 700 years, running on minimal power when you find her so there’s only her Logic processing that’s on. You unlock Empathy who’s a hippie, you also unlock Control who’s a douche and super bombastic but also has the emotional range of like a small child. So I think the idea is adding Empathy makes them stop trying to act like an adult? But then you have to start combining processes to get stuff done. So “Pal” is Control and Empathy, he’s kinda annoying. And “Mom” is Empathy and Logic.” Leave it to a sim to assume something called “Mom” would have the capacity for either one of those. Go ahead, roll the dice on “Mom”, see if you don’t get Scapegoating Theocrat.

My son - What’s his name?

Disappointment shitter!

This game doesn’t want shitters to be great. And especially when you’re playing as Markus. You sashay into the Stratford Building looking like Corpo Rat Neo ready to follow the white rabbit to the shitter on the 47th floor but all you find there is last season’s second runner-up in the HAIX Workwear Fashion Show (Waterproof Lines). Hidge. Outside of why this dope needed a janitor costume at all, when he already had business attire and could have strolled in with a fake ID, the more important question is why Detroit: Become Human is hiding the shitters. And especially in the Markus chapters. They block you from seeing Lance Henriksen’s shitter in the very beginning of his story, instead zooming in bizarrely on a bay window with the sounds of birds tweeting, as if that is something better than the best thing ever which is some 1%’s luxury shitter?

Shortcut shitter!

Right near the Hogwarts clock tower there’s this shitter that has bettered itself with a major in Culinary Arts with a minor in Business Administration and has opened a cafe. A very pretty place with quiet ambiance, antiqued bronze fixtures, richly embroidered cushions, yet I’m not super jonesed about those books which are flagged and teetering unsettlingly close to the supporting character (the cake). This is certainly a time-saver, but at what cost? Would you eat a shitter cake?

All Hogwarts Legacy shitters represent $5 donations (each) to Plan International USA, dedicated to initiatives that uplift gender equality in global sanitation.

Misplaced Blame shitter!

This wouldn’t be a QTE festival of lights by Quantic Dream without a Discothèque Benêt. But this one is less of a discotheque and more of a Maison Close. But t’inquiète, the benêt part has been preserved!

Instead of sauntering about as Madison Paige, enquêteur non autorisé, you’ll take the role of quizzical scarecrow Connor III, flic en plastique! This grisly scene of debauchery takes place at The Eden Club, where patrons may rent mannequins for adult conversations, and which I suppose is thusly named to evoke unbridled nude passion. Except nobody is nude and there’s not even like a garden pattern in the digital screens or anything. How about.. “Flipped Bits”? “Hard Refresh”? “RAM”? I thought of three awful ones just sitting here and they’re all way better than THE EDEN CLUB.

Anyway, what do we have here? Looks like the scene of some vigilante justice on an untethered misogynist (foreground). Au contraire, in Detroit: Become Human the only organisms with permission to remain chaotically unhinged are ORGANIC people-types, get it right, and the crime Connor III is genuinely expected to unearth is a search-and-destroy for a robot lady who broke this fleabag’s neck when he tried to rip her arms off. Connor III even reboots the other robot lady you see there on the floor, who was bricked by the dead brute, and makes her rattle off factoids about where the second robot went. She’s probably at IT getting her cracked faceplate fixed, and not at all fussed about feeding tyrants to the land. You really must have some gall to check into a fancy hotel and smash the electronics. These robots are the property of Flipped Bits, and the risk of your messy death in the fine print of the agreement you signed to spend time with these $300,000 hourly companions. Sorry, nameless corpse! Nobody will miss you, though.

While we’re still here, check out that shitter. Really bizarrely frosted glass up top with clear translucent glass below. I guess dalliances of all kinds are welcome at Flipped Bits.

Finely Appointed Wilderness Lodgings shitter!

What in the 1920s LL Bean Patagonia North Face hell? Nay, ‘tis heaven! I gasped when my blinky orbs spied these camping shitters, in the expansive charmed tent of some Ashwinders that are literally just hanging out here not bothering anyone. This game has two factions - “good” guys (blue) and “bad” guys (red). If I Revelio and your ass shows up red, God help you because I’m absurdly eager with Bombarda. Anyway the guys in here were red, so now they’re dead. Simple as that.

What were they doing that was so bad? I guess they kidnapped a Newsie or something and stuck him in a cage in their basement, but their hideout rocks and I feel like they can’t be all bad. It’s so pretty in here and there are TWO shitters, decked out with tassel-fringed drapery, porcelain and oak mirrored wash basins, Fred Astaire on the gramophone, all the sumptuous comforts offered by luxury! This camp is cosy, warm, dry, and there’s platters of yummy snacks set out but yet, here I come as the self-crowned Hero and just blast every last one of them and take whatever ain’t nailed down. That’s what makes me a GOOD guy! See the difference?

Urgently Required shitter!

Oh lord this game came out in 2023 and thanks to the Steam sale I’m playing it now! In Hogwarts Legacy, I metamorphose from Professor Fig’s little pet into the original and best Death Eater, Voldemort has nothing on this bitch who careens pell-mell across pasture and holt, brazenly swaggering into any cottage or cabin I see and just mug whoever lives there - Who gon check me, boo? I don’t go to classes. I don’t run errands. I have taken up the mantle of a teenage liquidator who indiscriminately pink mists any who dare show up on Revelio. It’s genuinely only Confringo or “ANCIENT MAGIC METEOR” whatever that is. I checked, and it’s forgivable.

And they just give me whatever I want because I’m the chosen one. I didn’t even ask for this apartment but the headmistress was like “Report to my office” and then it was “Here’s your free private apartment and servant, sweetie. We don’t ask questions.” This is the Room of Requirement before I cleaned up all the crap that Matilda Weasley left all over the place in here - I just chucked it out, I gave it to people who could use it or something, I don’t think she misses it, anyway she just left it here and what was I supposed to do, store it indefinitely? Thirty-five seconds after she walked out the door this crap was at the Good Will. I’ll probably sell the place when I’m sick of it, idk, I have no loyalty to these walls.

At this part of the RoR you round the corner of about the nineteenth chaotic mass of dining chairs to find a bathtub with a note on it that Matilda left for herself that says something like “Oh, haha, it looks as though the Room thought I could use a bath.” WHO ARE YOU LEAVING THIS NOTE FOR, LADY? I love this beautiful shitter, growing ever skyward like a Monstera Septicana, free from the confines of any roof or rafter, up, up, up! Higher and higher! Into the silver moonlight that is filtering gently down from who the fuck knows where. Fear not the porcelain block that could drop down on your skull at the slightest fluctuation in balance, for this is a magical place, free of gravity, free of privacy, there’s a house elf in here named Deek who is bound to this place and is shambling about at all times.

This Hogwarts Legacy shitter represents a $5 donation to Plan International USA, which strives for the human right of sanitation coupled with the dignity of gender equality.

“Haunted” Boiler Room shitter!

Really bizarre stuff here. On the Gryffindor Tower South Wing ground floor, there’s a bathroom that is locked, and from the sign it’s due to a poltergeist the administration just cannot contain. I’m sure there’s plenty of stuff written about why nobody can get rid of Peeves but I really don’t care, I’m focused on the fact there’s a giant bathroom nobody can use because of him. Also, there’s a basket of bread in here. Why. Not the best place for any perishable, open-container snacks.

Further snooping will reveal the real reason this room is blocked off - there’s a boiler room just kinda stuck onto the back end of one of the shitter stalls, and a Demiguise statue is stuck in here. Evidently, Gladwin Moon, the caretaker and the guy who would be servicing this machine would rather invent lore about why this room needs to be locked than - idk, Diffindo a lil’ statue?

This Hogwarts Legacy shitter represents a $5 donation to Plan International USA. You can read more about their work toward gender equality in global sanitation on their official website.

Treasure Room shitter!

Near the Hogwarts Castle grand staircase you’ll find a door that can be opened with a lil’ math puzzle that will reveal this pirate’s locker of shitters and other sanitation fixtures. I’m delighted to see this of course, but also - why is this here? Why would they need to store extra cisterns, bowls, sinks, and tubs anywhere, when they have a Room of Requirement that can effortlessly create anything they might need out of thin air?

This Hogwarts Legacy shitter represents a $5 donation to Plan International USA!

Pastureside shitter!

This shitter represents the first donation to Plan International USA! Founded in 1937, this international humanitarian charity aims to end the oppression of gender inequality, including sanitation facilities that allow for equal access for all people regardless of gender.

This fancy Victorian shed is a fine and well-lit potty for the use of the farmers who work the fields surounding Hogsmeade. I enjoy that the door faces away from the town, tha’s +1 to privacy tha’ is. But there’s more! This isn’t just any old pasture outhouse. Roll over the image to see a real porcelain throne, with elevated cistern, copper pipes, and a stack of BOOKS! There’s even an extra lantern, in case you don’t know Lumos or something??