Cohabitation Dreamhouse shitters!

Congratulations, kiddo, you survived to mid-adulthood, and here’s your reward! In 2018 you’ve moved in with your girlfriend to this absolute mansion with TWO bathrooms and tons of potted plants. This is the FINAL LEVEL of a whole house that is so fun to unpack and arrange, and the shitters are up to the challenge. The first, smaller bathroom is downstairs, with a sink has an INSANE expression that I love. This bathroom is perfect. No fuss! The second one is upstairs, it is huge, and it marks the first time in your life that you’ve figured out a somewhat-sensible method of organizing the toilet paper.

Independent Adult Ladies shitter!

After you broke up with Darren, took a great big long-jump backwards and boo-hooed an entire year of your life away by moving back in with your MOM, you end up living at this apartment that is only slightly less shitty than when you lived with the Dungeoneers. By the way there was no shitter at your mom’s place, otherwise I would have taken a picture of it. But this level is 2013, when you still have way too much shit. It seems you picked up a few bad habits from your 2007 days. Like a TON of action figures and DVDs.

Especially in the bathroom. So full disclosure, this image is actually from the 2015 level which is the same location as the 2013 level except someone new is living here with you. The shitter itself is very nice. It has that “independent woman in the city” personality. But outside of this, what the fuck. Is this the Brooklyn branch of the Shampoo & Conditioning Library? Yes, I’d like to blow my nose with tissues that were stored on the back of the toilet, I’m going to SCREAM. I don’t know why anyone would waste the precious real estate of that sink counter with all that stuff and there’s just a hundred thousand menstrual products taking up the bottom shelf. Every drawer is packed full of things. There’s definitely better ways to organize this life but hey, can’t argue with a Gold Star. Don’t get me wrong, this game is very fun. But boy oh boy, the muscle I use for judging disorganized, cluttered people got a damn workout playing it.

Heteronormative shitter!

In 2010 you’re living with a total drag who I have named “Darren” who is obsessed with gunmetal gray and has made no room for you in his life. Why did you move in with Darren? Oh, right you got tired of playing Dungeons & Dragons and decided you’d like to play Diminished & Depressed. I hate everything about this bathroom and mostly because of Darren’s stupid stuff. You’re basically brushing your teeth with poop when you leave your toothbrushes out on the sink like this. I thought you morons had college degrees? In fact most of this stuff should not be just out in the open storage like that, including the shaving brush, the ‘clean’ towels, the spare TP, the electric razor, by the way you know you could put a lidded box under the sink with all that stuff and keep it safe? There could even be one for each of you, wouldn’t that be nice? The people have a HUGE closet where these extra towels could go, by the way. But no, Darren’s shoes NEED to be on a shelf otherwise they get their feelings hurt! There is zero reason to be leaving perfume and cologne in a room that has extreme temperature changes. And there’s just too much stuff in general. I don’t get it. I DO NOT GET IT!!! Like again with the naked soap bar. TWO OF THEM!!!! You don’t need that, you don’t need all that shit in the shower. Why does she have FOUR body soaps. You do not need a first aid kit on the shelf in arm’s reach at all times. I bet you CASH that if these people cleaned this room more frequently they would not need that horrible air freshener that is toxic as HELL and a nightmare to recycle. There’s even more stuff in that little drawer! And this is where this shit is supposed to go, look, I got a gold star for arranging it all in this way!

Apartment shitter!

You thought the people you had to share a suite with were pigs? This is a whole new level, in fact this is the 2007 level of Unpacking. This was my least favorite level because of the gross housemates. I lived with people like this once and can definitely say I would never do this again and would not recommend it to anyone. First of all TRUST ME, your housemates ARE using all your shit that you leave out in any area they deem to be “fair use.” The rest of this level is insane. You can almost smell the living room spilling over with cosplay and anime crap and dining area where they just have an eternal Dungeons & Dragons game going for the rest of their lives. No to everything. And in here, it’s just obnoxious. The shampoo bottles on the floor because they’re the jumbo size bigger than the trash can. Do not store your TP rolls and menstrual products on the FLOOR under the SINK, what is wrong with you? I also really do not get this concept of keeping a razor out on an open shelf like first of all that’s germs, second that’s not safe. Oh good thing you have a naked bar of soap on the sink surround like for cleaning your little hands, and all that? It’s not going to get disgusting and absolutely cemented there or anything. Listen roommates, if you have this much shit, keep it in a caddy in your own bedroom. And there was MORE (note the unopened box on the floor). Also, is that just a washer, or just a dryer? It’s not a combo, let me reassure you right now there is no way in hell the landlord of this place is shelling out that kind of cash for people who will probably break it before the lease is up. In Two Thousand and SEVEN.

University Suite shitter!

This is the shitter you get in 2004 when you leave home and move into a suite of fools at the University. I chose to take a picture of it like this because this is how I would have it look if I lived there. But because this is Unpacking, the most relaxing and absolutely chill way to wait around for a Zoom-based webinar to get to the fucking point in the history of mankind, ALAS, you must festoon this otherwise perfect shrine with knick-knacks and sundries. There’s a bunch of random shit you have to stick around various rooms and sometimes it’s your own space, and other times it’s a situation where you’re sharing a spot with other people. This is the first level where you get to see a bathroom. Apparently you’re sharing this dorm space with other people so it’s hardly ideal. Storing your toothbrush on the sink surround, I could never. Ew. No, you’d never find me leaving my belongings laying around a shared bathroom. Sorry, dorms are notoriously pest-ridden and I also have no reason to trust you idiots who are probably going to fail out after months of stumbling around in a hungover haze and using my hair comb for god knows what.