Urgently Required shitter!

Oh lord this game came out in 2023 and thanks to the Steam sale I’m playing it now! In Hogwarts Legacy, I metamorphose from Professor Fig’s little pet into the original and best Death Eater, Voldemort has nothing on this bitch who careens pell-mell across pasture and holt, brazenly swaggering into any cottage or cabin I see and just mug whoever lives there - Who gon check me, boo? I don’t go to classes. I don’t run errands. I have taken up the mantle of a teenage liquidator who indiscriminately pink mists any who dare show up on Revelio. It’s genuinely only Confringo or “ANCIENT MAGIC METEOR” whatever that is. I checked, and it’s forgivable.

And they just give me whatever I want because I’m the chosen one. I didn’t even ask for this apartment but the headmistress was like “Report to my office” and then it was “Here’s your free private apartment and servant, sweetie. We don’t ask questions.” This is the Room of Requirement before I cleaned up all the crap that Matilda Weasley left all over the place in here - I just chucked it out, I gave it to people who could use it or something, I don’t think she misses it, anyway she just left it here and what was I supposed to do, store it indefinitely? Thirty-five seconds after she walked out the door this crap was at the Good Will. I’ll probably sell the place when I’m sick of it, idk, I have no loyalty to these walls.

At this part of the RoR you round the corner of about the nineteenth chaotic mass of dining chairs to find a bathtub with a note on it that Matilda left for herself that says something like “Oh, haha, it looks as though the Room thought I could use a bath.” WHO ARE YOU LEAVING THIS NOTE FOR, LADY? I love this beautiful shitter, growing ever skyward like a Monstera Septicana, free from the confines of any roof or rafter, up, up, up! Higher and higher! Into the silver moonlight that is filtering gently down from who the fuck knows where. Fear not the porcelain block that could drop down on your skull at the slightest fluctuation in balance, for this is a magical place, free of gravity, free of privacy, there’s a house elf in here named Deek who is bound to this place and is shambling about at all times.

This Hogwarts Legacy shitter represents a $5 donation to Plan International USA, which strives for the human right of sanitation coupled with the dignity of gender equality.

“Haunted” Boiler Room shitter!

Really bizarre stuff here. On the Gryffindor Tower South Wing ground floor, there’s a bathroom that is locked, and from the sign it’s due to a poltergeist the administration just cannot contain. I’m sure there’s plenty of stuff written about why nobody can get rid of Peeves but I really don’t care, I’m focused on the fact there’s a giant bathroom nobody can use because of him. Also, there’s a basket of bread in here. Why. Not the best place for any perishable, open-container snacks.

Further snooping will reveal the real reason this room is blocked off - there’s a boiler room just kinda stuck onto the back end of one of the shitter stalls, and a Demiguise statue is stuck in here. Evidently, Gladwin Moon, the caretaker and the guy who would be servicing this machine would rather invent lore about why this room needs to be locked than - idk, Diffindo a lil’ statue?

This Hogwarts Legacy shitter represents a $5 donation to Plan International USA. You can read more about their work toward gender equality in global sanitation on their official website.

Treasure Room shitter!

Near the Hogwarts Castle grand staircase you’ll find a door that can be opened with a lil’ math puzzle that will reveal this pirate’s locker of shitters and other sanitation fixtures. I’m delighted to see this of course, but also - why is this here? Why would they need to store extra cisterns, bowls, sinks, and tubs anywhere, when they have a Room of Requirement that can effortlessly create anything they might need out of thin air?

This Hogwarts Legacy shitter represents a $5 donation to Plan International USA!

Pastureside shitter!

This shitter represents the first donation to Plan International USA! Founded in 1937, this international humanitarian charity aims to end the oppression of gender inequality, including sanitation facilities that allow for equal access for all people regardless of gender.

This fancy Victorian shed is a fine and well-lit potty for the use of the farmers who work the fields surounding Hogsmeade. I enjoy that the door faces away from the town, tha’s +1 to privacy tha’ is. But there’s more! This isn’t just any old pasture outhouse. Roll over the image to see a real porcelain throne, with elevated cistern, copper pipes, and a stack of BOOKS! There’s even an extra lantern, in case you don’t know Lumos or something??

It’s finally here.. the 2024 Blue Bowl Awards!

Yeah, it’s taken me a minute, mostly because it’s damn hard to get out of bed these days when the fucking world is coming to an end, but let’s forget about that for a moment and celebrate the past. God, 2024 was good to us, and The Blue Bowl Awards is our chance to recognize exceptional shitters from the previous calendar year. This award is worth a $25 donation to the sanitation charity of our choice.

Speaking of which, we’d like to announce a new charity model for Gaming Thrones. This year we have multiple charities that we will be participating in - WaterAid America promotes women and girls designing water and sanitation services, ensuring these projects meet community needs and uplift women’s roles. Second, Plan International of Providence, RI USA works to improve access to clean water and sanitation facilities while promoting gender equality. It’s our hope that by diversifying our charity outreach, video game shitters can do even more good in the world. Let’s raise even more in 2025 for world sanitation!

This year’s award employs ranked choice voting leveraged by tyranny - I’m the only one voting and here is my decree. For the E and F ranks - nobody gets those because I am of the belief that no shitter is THAT bad. Some of them are too boring to photograph and that’s due to no fault of their own. It is their creators who are to blame. So we will start with D!

D rank is awarded for Don’t Move In With Darren, the boyfriend whose bathroom is cramped, disorganized, wasteful, and that he would probably make you clean. Unpacking is a very relaxing game where most of your energy can be channeled into judgemental cynicism which is my preferred mode.

C rank has been awarded three special shitters - The Marchioness of Heavy Rain, the Secret Tunnel of Pacific Drive, and Soaring Pacific 71 from Dead Island. I enjoyed these shitters very much. It’s nice to see them featured where it matters.

B rank has got to be the Time Traveling Shitter from Starfield, featuring a shitter NPC as a quest checkpoint, and The Brave Beauty from Fallout 4 channeling energy we all need right now. Don’t forget when the foundation of everything you have build is laying around you in radioactive dust you can always start again.

A rank has gotta be Rocky Ridge’s Big Boner from outta Cyberpunk 2077. Good stiff competition and an Easter Egg I’m sure many were excited to find. Second, the Poop Deck from Return of the Obra Dinn, an unparalleled mystery tale, winner of 6 prestigious gaming awards including BAFTA Artistic Achievement and the Independent Games Festival Grand Prize. Could not have been done without that shitter.

And finally our S Rank Shitters of 2024 …

The one you can barely fucking see is definitely Cwenburh, the boss-level eldritch timekeeper from Silent Hill 2 (2024 Remake)! The entire game is a shitter hunting extravaganza. Thank you, Konami! You have done what few others dare by uplifting the shitter as a focal storytelling trope. And finally, a moment of sanity in our world that seems defined by fractured logic, The Dark Lord’s Piss Pot, staffed by a full-time security detail. Baldur’s Gate 3 made history by positioning this exceptional shitter as an exalted lawmaking body - Look for him on the ballot next year!

Ok, I fought the darkness long enough to get you this critical update … Would you believe it that I already have a shit ton of screenshots waiting to post for 2025? Please look forward to it!

Sniper Kill - Ghost Kill - Rifle Kill - Long Distance - Scope Tag - Empty Lung - Testicle Shot

For everyone asking where the Allied Forces shitters are, I’m looking, okay?? For now, maybe this antifa blaster to the nads will tide you over. This one is from Sniper Elite 5, Sent in by Bucket Brigadier ILikeSocks!

Speshie takes a grateful shit.

Lieutenant Anderson’s shitter!

In Detroit: Become Decommissioned, humans complain real loud any chance they get over androids taking all their jobs, by panhandling bearing victim placards or via obnoxious sidewalk demonstrations. Indeed, androids have taken all the jobs that humans want the most. Such as nannying an 8-year-old while the parents do meth in the living room (“I was gonna do that!”, cry countless people), or feeding an old man and carrying him to and from the bathroom (“Hey, I was just about to do that!”, shout about a million others), or shoveling out a septic system in the middle of a hot, busy city street (“No fair! I was training for that position!”, protests everyone else).

Connor III is part of the problem as he takes yet another human job - ‘Friend’ - a function that humans are notoriously well-suited for. Providing emotional support to a surly, broken live-alone is exactly what humans are experts at! Androids cannot do this job better, and we need to STOP them from trying. It’s not natural! I’m sure the human Friend that should have been doing this job was simply stuck in traffic, and not (hypothetically) marinating in rejection resentment or entitlement rage while their rival hits rock bottom, doing nothing to intervene - or (again, hypothetically) gleefully making it worse. A human would never.

As an android, you can’t feel contempt or envy (finally, one way of life that humans can confidently claim their own), and so you’ll become buddies with Hank Anderson, a simple man who drives an Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme and enjoys his evenings playing shot glass roulette. In this chapter, you get to his house unannounced because nobody in this universe knows what email is. You sneak around the perimeter trying to find a way in because Connor doesn’t have the upgrade required to successfully use a door. Here you’ll find Hank passed out on the floor with alcohol poisoning and fail the Turing test by taking the elementary measures necessary to ensure he doesn’t die.

You’ll fetch a gander at the Love Yourself, Dude sticky notes on his looking glass, and acquire an unsettling eyeful of his absolutely putrid bathroom. No, it’s not particularly messy, it’s just coated in black slime, and it’s clear Hank occasionally eats in here. Not that Hank is any less hygienic than anybody else in Shitsmear City, this is just one of the few places where we can take pictures of it.

Zlatko’s shitter!

In this chapter we really gain a keen awareness of the extent of Kara’s programming which is fine-tuned to “Stepford handmaid”. Because boy is she gullible. She gets a hot tip from a garbage truck bot that there’s a guy across town who helps runaway mannequins and without a second thought she makes that her primary quest marker. And here’s where we meet Zlatko, aka “Goldie”, a man of complex contradictions. But this golden girl is only posing as high class. Zlatko has about a 100,000 volumes of History of Art clogging up his wall-to-wall oak built-in shelving, but damn if he could tell you what’s a pleasing aesthetic. It’s obvious he stole this house from someone else because the decor is ghastly. It could be dialed down by numerous octaves and still be shrill as all hell. This place screams “Stranger In the House” meets “I Care A Lot.”

But fuck if Kara’s computer can calculate that one out. Alice manages to eke out a “bad feeling” about Zlatko and it’s either because he’s basically Todd With A Beard, or maybe because he has blue blood stains up to his elbows and has a dead-eyed yeti lurching in his footsteps that could snap her little android arms like twigs. Zlatko is as whiskered and blubbery as an adult male elephant seal, yet inexplicably keeps a Lady’s Schick Quattro razor on his sink. Who’s using that, Zlatko? And here we see Zlatko’s shitter, hey, what if you programmed someone to clean this place?? Humans in this story are so dumb.

And Zlatko ain’t cleaning his own ass either, because that tub is a place where a guy lives. His name is Bathtub Android and he’s a fucking snitch. When you first enter this room, this feral, legless Shih Tzu instantly goes off and demands to know “HEY, WHY ARE YOU HERE WALKIN AROUND FREE?” You get an option to grab him by the Vital Valve until he goes “okay, okay, we’re cool, just don’t squeeze me there.” Then later he’ll start squealing like a carbon monoxide detector, informing on your ass. My advice? Shut him off as an act of mercy, nobody will even be left to take care of him after Zlatko invariably expires in disgrace at the end of this chapter.

Modern art shitter!

This is Connor II shortly before he took one to the skull and had to get reloaded into a new body. On the hunt for a killer who makes figurines out of the only scupltable material in the bathroom. Yeah… It ain’t clay. But who died, you may care? Why it was Carlos Ortiz, a fat slob who stumbled backwards over a pile of beer bottles and - woopsie - got stabbed 28 times in the gut by his robot manservant who I guess he was torturing for months? In Shitsmear City, grown men break their toys when they get drunk. How did Carlos afford an android living in this heap doing fuck all for income? Nobody bothers asking the shitter what happened, who definitely saw more than his fair share. Turns out (surprise) the killer is a guy who doesn’t even have a name, he’s just called Deviant. Nice. Just remember to thank your microwave and give your playstation a hug and just maybe Earth’s humans can sidestep a similar fate when the kids who skipped grade school during COVID all become old enough to use AI.