Nicolaus Slayton’s shitter with a view!

So while all the great thinkers and legendary superthugs are shitting on the ground, those who hold the purse strings - in this case, Nicolaus Slayton - squat atop gilded brass and peer at elegant ballerinas twirling about this freaking stripper pole affixed directly in the boticcino flooring. When you have a bathroom the size of an improv studio it only makes sense to get the most use out of it.

Ransacked Research Outpost futurebucket!

As a scientist on Bessel III you’ve set up your research outpost to do your special investigation on… stuff, and I guess at some point the Crimson Fleet takes over and ransacks that research outpost. But before then - or after? but certainly during - your shitter is a plastic bucket on the floor, just like in the olden days!

Work From Home shitter!

Optimal output! The future of Work From Home, at least through the dystopian lens of Volii Alpha’s city of Neon, includes an efficient shit-n-send email system. Sorry, did I say ‘home’? I meant “Work From Shipping Container.”

Jemison’s UC Prison shitter!

Meander excessively to the UC building in Jemison to find a Va’Ruun Prisoner named Mir’za- who, per the Galactic Dignity Treaty, has a prison shitter. And apparently gets to keep wearing her body armor? The UC evidently believed the public placement of this shitter would cow Mir’za into feeling less-than, because she would have to use it in front of everyone. But ask yourself, as you take in the kohl kojol sunscreen smudged all over that bald head and (take my word for it) meth mouth, who is really being cowed here? You know Mir’za loves making the shift guard suffer when she situates herself on this perch. She probably stares them down. This shitter is Dark Wilson and with a corner office. The arrow points the way you will avert your gaze from the eyeball assault.

Time-Traveling shitter from Outer Space!

At the Nishina Research Station on Freya III you’ll encounter some fucky dimensional folds that you must navigate in order to save many lives and right many wrongs. Idk, was it really wrong? That’s up to you to decide, but if you ask me, humanoids shouldn’t be just parasitizing every flat surface they come across in the universe but hey, that’s our fucking way. In spite of the ethical quandary of humans not belonging here to begin with, Entangled is one of the better quests and not least of all because you get to see this poor little shitter get a glow up. To accomplish this, you have to blip through aforementioned fucky folds (the glittery wispy thing in the hover image). By traveling to and fro through these circumstantial doggy doors, you can save everyone and get another crew member if you do it correctly but that’s sort of incidental compared to rescuing this little bowl from anaerobic hell.

Soul-Crushing Burden of Capitalism shitter!

Ready to play a game? It’s called How Good Do You Have It and this game is fun and easy! To participate, you’re gonna head to Sleepcrate, a kicky concept hotel at Ebbside, the most dreadful fish market at the rear of a deafening nightclub! Once there, buy a Mystery Parcel for a cool 1000 creds. Let’s open ‘er up! Facts you may find fun: The mystery parcel is an entire aluminum shipping container and was actually somebody’s house. Here it is! What did you win? Surprise, it’s a shitter, a layoff, and a creepy feeling that your own life could be a lot worse!

Abandoned Outpost of Agamon A shitter!

Agamon A (a moon of Agamon) has this shitter you’ll find there if the gods are good. Not just abandoned, but underfunded, this outpost has an Arts & Crafts slapped-together feel. The shitter has 2% privacy opacity (I’m sure the ‘accidents’ are directly related to that) and the lighting/aura of Psychotronics. Hover over the image to see the bowl. This place gives me the heebie-jeebies! No need, however. There’s like 1 total thing in the entire game that could even remotely hurt you and it ain’t here, don’t worry, fella. So go ahead, squat in peace!

Hopetown Ranger Station shitter!

The Freestar Rangers have outposts everywhere and here’s the one at Hopetown where the bunk/workout room has an en suite. Within the confines of this shitter is a motivational and beauty inspo graphique pinned above the toilet of the hot, fine, fit, athletic and stylish Violet, now who is Violet you ask? Hover your mouse over this photo to find the most likely answer. This is Violet Ibarra, the finest example of beauty in the entire galaxy. This skilled aesthetician at Paradiso’s ENHANCE! is one of Peter Paul Rubens celebrated divas. Don’t take my word for it, she’ll tell you herself she spent credits to get this perfect. She did a good thing for herself when she quit that team for some self-love. Roller derby or whatever can move over because just now I’m all about this apple cake.

Argos Extractors Mining Outpost on Vectera shitter!

This is your home base shitter, the place where your story begins! And it’s out of order. There’s a metaphor in there, I think. The problem here was caused by Heller, it’s not really his problem so much as everyone’s problem now. No need to call INTERPOL because it’s common knowledge by now but the “correct configuration” for the paper is an argument for lesser minds. There are so many other things about a toilet that actually matter. Obviously actually having paper at all is important, which we will note this bathroom does not. Set thine house in order, Argos! All of this begs the question: How do you suppose one takes a shit while wearing an interstellar snuggie? Is there a flap in the back?

Derelict PCH shitter!

Bucket Brigadier Lotus submitted this pair of kings from an atmospheric floater called Derelict PCH and supplies the following: “On this level 1 ship with no crew and 1 HP floating above Niira in the Narion system, I found these shitters. The ship itself is infested with Space Maggots, which killed the crew. The crew was hauling contraband and apparently didn’t realize some of the contraband were these maggots or something. After crawling through the ship, I found 100000 credits worth of contraband, some epic items, and this trashed shitter (img 1). This appears to be the brig shitter and the whole bunk is just poorly maintained. They have a nicer shitter (img 2) on the upper deck.”

That’s a cot in there and according to Lotus the door was locked so it’s definitely a linen closet-turned-brig. Space smugglers make do! In fact both of these shitters look like repurposed linen closets, and ew, though. Who puts exposed towels on open shelves next to the shitter?? The second one is a space-saver deluxe. My, what a strange and radiant future, where you can shower in outer space using water, surrounded by towels that are intended to dry you after. It’s definitely water because there’s a drain. And if you have to take a shit you just sit beneath the sink, mind your LOWER BACK as you stand up to wash your hands, and be sure to take advantage of the streamlined “frustration management” tool. Maybe in NG+ they’ve heard of a sonic sanitation system.

Pilgrim’s Rest shitter!

Although the timeline seems a little fucky, this is purportedly where The Drifter was 200 years previously, along with some simpering followers. In spite of the time difference, and much like a Draugr barrow, you’ll find fresh food here as well as this pristine shitter! Although the upwelling of warm fuzzies that a developer put this here just for me were quickly replaced by the jumpscare of Barrett looming like a sleep paralysis demon in yon doorway. Fuck’s sake.

Ransacked Research Outpost shitter!

When Crimson Fleet scum invaded a research outpost on Bessel III they fucked this place sideways. Food left out or devoured, smashed furniture, and ROWDY GANG GRAFFITI with big Tunnel Snakes energy turned this science site into a sorry sight. That one guy who worries what the neighbors must think (there’s always one) left notes behind saying “Fix your shit, you barbarian slobs”, which didn’t go over well. Is that his blood on the ground?? Of course, the shitter is the real victim here.

New Homestead shitter!

On Saturn’s moon Titan, beneath the frozen lifeless surface, a humble homestead appears to barely cling to dignity. The settlement tour guide nervously chuckled before providing the following hushed admonition: “Some people actually live here, so try to be respectful of that.” Here’s where we can see a fair few of these meager crannies where people are bunking, and in one I found a book entitled Charity in a Godless World. Indeed, it certainly seems as though this is one of those places where people just insist on building in spite of all indications that the biome cannot support human life. But appearances are deceiving. Because LOOK at these shitters. In solid hammered copper with ergonomic backrests, I’m pretty sure these are over $4000 each from the Modo Bath catalogue. Derelicte!!!! The FEMA shipping container aesthetic with a Vault-Tec aroma. There is also a public bathroom, but why would you want to use something so plastic and economical when you have a personalized and naturally anti-bacterial version for your very own, luxurious ass?

Frontier shitter!

Starfield is here, and it has shitters. Oh, thank Christ. I feel I would have been charged with a crime if this had not been so. Here we see a gorgeous interstellar shitter on your ship, the Frontier, and it’s the first one you can find! Why are we still using toilet paper in year 2330? Who knows! Nobody’s really asking that question, nobody wants to know the answer, we have shitters and I am not complaining. This is beautiful cabinet shitter has soap, it has a diary entry, and it’s all mine. It used to be Barrett’s, and of course we’re gonna wanna wipe it down before calling this place home, but damn if this isn’t some of the finest hospitality in all the universe. Bless you, Bethesda, for your continued tradition of Shitter Excellence! Shitter Safari, away!

Idle Hands shitter!

Seems that while condemned to eke out a life on frozen barren shithole planet Grizzit’s civilian outpost, one of the colonists quit this bitch due North into the wilds. Now I’ve been tasked to retrieve him, but I say Why? If I had walked in on this scene of lotion, a box of tissues, and the freshly cracked spine on a brand new edition of War of the Worlds I’d have promptly pirouetted into the tundra as well. You have to ask yourself: Is it the titillating tale of giant lasers transforming humanity into a big goo smear, or the triumph of tiny bacteria over alien invaders that does it for them? I’m not prepared to state that either option would give me the gasms.

You know what? Who can really say, afterall maybe these were the deserter’s own leavings. Maybe his real final straw was the toxic positivity of the encouraging cartoon on the floor of the outpost’s second shitter.