Derelict PCH shitter!

Bucket Brigadier Lotus submitted this pair of kings from an atmospheric floater called Derelict PCH and supplies the following: “On this level 1 ship with no crew and 1 HP floating above Niira in the Narion system, I found these shitters. The ship itself is infested with Space Maggots, which killed the crew. The crew was hauling contraband and apparently didn’t realize some of the contraband were these maggots or something. After crawling through the ship, I found 100000 credits worth of contraband, some epic items, and this trashed shitter (img 1). This appears to be the brig shitter and the whole bunk is just poorly maintained. They have a nicer shitter (img 2) on the upper deck.”

That’s a cot in there and according to Lotus the door was locked so it’s defintely a linen closet-turned-brig. Space smugglers make do! In fact both of these shitters look like repurposed linen closets, and ew, though. Who puts exposed towels on open shelves next to the shitter?? The second one is a space-saver deluxe. My, what a strange and radiant future, where you can shower in outer space using water, surrounded by towels that are intended to dry you after. It’s definitely water because there’s a drain. And if you have to take a shit you just sit beneath the sink, mind your LOWER BACK as you stand up to wash your hands, and be sure to take advantage of the streamlined “frustration management” tool. Maybe in NG+ they’ve heard of a sonic sanitation system.


Pilgrim’s Rest shitter!

Although the timeline seems a little fucky, this is purportedly where The Drifter was 200 years previously, along with some simpering followers. In spite of the time difference, and much like a Draugr barrow, you’ll find fresh food here as well as this pristine shitter! Although the upwelling of warm fuzzies that a developer put this here just for me were quickly replaced by the jumpscare of Barrett looming like a sleep paralysis demon in yon doorway. Fuck’s sake.


Ransacked Research Outpost shitter!

When Crimson Fleet scum invaded a research outpost on Bessel III they fucked this place sideways. Food left out or devoured, smashed furniture, and ROWDY GANG GRAFFITI with big Tunnel Snakes energy turned this science site into a sorry sight. That one guy who worries what the neighbors must think (there’s always one) left notes behind saying “Fix your shit, you barbarian slobs”, which didn’t go over well. Is that his blood on the ground?? Of course, the shitter is the real victim here.


New Homestead shitter!

On Saturn’s moon Titan, beneath the frozen lifeless surface, a humble homestead appears to barely cling to dignity. The settlement tour guide nervously chuckled before providing the following hushed admonision: “Some people actually live here, so try to be respecful of that.” Here’s where we can see a fair few of these meager crannies where people are bunking, and in one I found a book entitled Charity in a Godless World. Indeed, it certainly seems as though this is one of those places where people just insist on building in spite of all indications that the biome cannot support human life. But appearances are deceiving. Because LOOK at these shitters. In solid hammered copper with ergonomic backrests, I’m pretty sure these are over $4000 each from the Modo Bath catalogue. Derelicte!!!! The FEMA shipping container aesthetic with a Vault-Tec aroma. There is also a public bathroom, but why would you want to use something so plastic and economical when you have a personalized and naturally anti-bacterial version for your very own, luxurious ass?


Frontier shitter!

Starfield is here, and it has shitters. Oh, thank Christ. I feel I would have been charged with a crime if this had not been so. Here we see a gorgeous interstellar shitter on your ship, the Frontier, and it’s the first one you can find! Why are we still using toilet paper in year 2330? Who knows! Nobody’s really asking that question, nobody wants to know the answer, we have shitters and I am not complaining. This is beautiful cabinet shitter has soap, it has a diary entry, and it’s all mine. It used to be Barrett’s, and of course we’re gonna wanna wipe it down before calling this place home, but damn if this isn’t some of the finest hospitality in all the universe. Bless you, Bethesda, for your continued tradition of Shitter Excellence! Shitter Safari, away!


Idle Hands shitter!

Seems that while condemned to eke out a life on frozen barren shithole planet Grizzit’s civilian outpost, one of the colonists quit this bitch due North into the wilds. Now I’ve been tasked to retrieve him, but I say Why? If I had walked in on this scene of lotion, a box of tissues, and the freshly cracked spine on a brand new edition of War of the Worlds I’d have promptly pirouetted into the tundra as well. You have to ask yourself: Is it the titillating tale of giant lasers transforming humanity into a big goo smear, or the triumph of tiny bacteria over alien invaders that does it for them? I’m not prepared to state that either option would give me the gasms.

You know what? Who can really say, afterall maybe these were the deserter’s own leavings. Maybe his real final straw was the toxic positivity of the encouraging cartoon on the floor of the outpost’s second shitter.