Pumpkin House shitters!

Halloween was just around the corner before the bombs dropped in 2077, so it’s no wonder you can continually find plastic pumpkin-shaped treat buckets all over the fucking place in any Fallout game. At the spooky Pumpkin House of West Virginia, there’s plastic pumpkins and glowing, irradiated, carved pumpkins! As well as this fantastic shitter, all decked out for Halloween.

It’s a nice little spot. You get an unbroken mirror, a full roll of toilet paper, a grimy towel for drying your hands after using the sink that actually works, and even some Shitter Soda. The trade-off is there are icky bugs, and you could maybe even twist your ankle on these rotted floorboards!

Better play it safe and cross the street to this little campsite shitter. If you sneak, you might not even have to shoot packs of wild dogs, ghouls, and a scorchbeast that all live there.

Since there are two skeletons already lining up to use this stall, why don’t you keep going and mosey to the other side of the property, where you can find a rare treat: Aside from the fragile husks of dead people that will crumble into toxic, airborne powder at the slightest touch, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with this bank of potties, which come with their own privacy fencing!

Skullbone Vantage shitter!

The raiders who lived at Skullbone Vantage (a name you can’t say without summoning a disembodied electric guitar riff accompaniment) were so badass! Their couches are made from sports cars, and skeletons riding tire swings dangle from twisted metal merlons. Another architectural triumph of this raider camp is these incredible shitters! Two lovely red gondolas have been repurposed. One appears to be occupied, but the other is probably completely safe.

Psychotronics shitter!

I know there’s a half-dead alien blob pinned in the bowl by a wrench somebody threw before fleeing in terror. But the other shitter here still works, so have at it.

Take note as well that this bathroom is absolutely fucked. For Morgan Yu, the main character, this crisis began only hours ago. But how long has this really been going on for? Almost all the floor tiles have been ripped off, and the electrical wiring has shitted out. Once you’ve completed the game, this kind of thing is an interesting detail on the subconscious of the story.

Deep Storage shitter!

Here’s another water closet - like an actual closet - in the science vessel Talos I. If you look past all the carnage and the things that are obviously wrong here, you can focus on the gorgeous stainless steel throne with its industrial piping! Wow!

Ok, now let’s be honest - What even is this shit? Is there a door? There isn’t. Great. A corpse has been dragged in here, or maybe something has schlorped away from the corpse, leaving a trail. There’s just cardboard storage boxes, and exposed insulation, and exposed circuit boards, and biohazard fluid in pouches, on the fucking floor. A “NO SMOKING” sign! That’s exactly the kind of thing you need on a Space Station. There is no way a human wrote this portion of the sim. Only an alien, or a robot, would think any of this is normal. But the toilet itself is stellar!

Legend of Zelda’s Toilet Hand!

The entity that lives in the lavatories of the many incarnations of Legend of Zelda will spook AND reward you. Don’t worry, Phoeni only wants some toilet paper, and it is consistently lucrative for you to abide by his wishes. The whole thing is based around different Japanese legends of ghosts that haunt toilets.

Majora’s Mask: At the Stock Pot Inn in Clock Town, hand him any of various paper items and he’ll reward you with a heart piece that “fell in”!

Oracle of the Ancients: This time, in exchange for paper, Phoeni will toss you a “Stink Bag.” This is a component in a complicated trade agreement between MANY parties that ultimately results in a sword that shoots fucking lasers.

Get a clock from Poe; trade to the postman for Stationery; trade to Pheoni for Stink Bag; trade to the Tokay cook for Tasty Meat; trade to Happy Mask Salesman for Doggie Mask; trade to Mamamu Yan for a Dumbbell; trade to Thomas for a Cheesy Mustache; trade to the comedian in Lynna City for a Funny Joke; trade to Dekadin for a Touching Book; trade to Maple for Magic Oar; trade to Rafton for the Sea Ukulele; trade to Old Zora for the Broken Sword; and finally, trade to Patch for the Noble Sword.

Holy fucking shit! That’s a lot of garbage to pass around just to get a sword, but you can trade THIS one for a Master Sword later, so it’s worth it. For some this trading chain is a nightmare, but if you’re the type to drool over fetch quests, here’s your drug of choice. Let’s be honest. If this was Skyrim, you could just lockpick your way into Old Zora’s house, pickpocket the Broken Sword off his ass while he’s asleep, and trundle off to Patch to exchange it for the Noble Sword.

Skyward Sword: This version is icky! In your travels as Link, you’ll hear a rumor about strange sounds in the Knight Academy bathroom. Once again, it’s Phoeni, who wants paper. If Cawlin has asked you to give Karane a love letter, you can punish Cawlin for being too meek to do it himself by giving the love letter to Pheoni. This will produce several results: Cawlin will become depressed, Phoeni will visit Cawlin while he’s sleeping (and stroke his face), and YOU will receive five Gratitude Crystals!