Honker Donker Divination Doinkies

Madison Paige Easter Egg shitter!

This game has a thing for huge walls of windows and shitters in cubbyholes. And idiots in their underwear. This is Madison Paige, journalist, mere seconds before she is mercilessly slain by a pair of identical twin thugs. My God, what are the odds? When you first meet Madison you don’t know yet that she’s a journalist, instead you think she’s got to be a fucking ninja because of the way she fights off a set of matching goons, like she’s Jason Bourne or Noomi Rapace (in any of various Noomi Rapace movies).

This shitter is also truly a miracle to behold because the only way you are ever going to see it is if you execute a series of quicktime events in a sequence that allows Madison to die in her bathroom. Nice, another silent WITNESS to an unspeakable crime. Survivor’s guilt is pretty common in the shitter community and the blame lies squarely on the developers. Yeah you want to put the shitters in the scene because you know that shit sells. But think of the collateral damage! That shitter is now in the witness protection program. That shitter is Waldo! You’ll never see that shitter again or if you do, you better not refer to it by its former name because it will flat out ignore you. She does not know you. Walk away!

I would like to just quickly point out that Madison Paige has a product called “PAIN” on her linen pantry shelf. I don’t know what that is, but a bucket of pain sounds like a pretty good self-defense implement. Anyway bottom line is the entire ordeal is a stupid fake nightmare and Madison doesn’t really die so that shitter only exists on the astral plane. It was just a prank, bro! That shitter existed for only a moment in time and then was gone. Okay, but everything I said before, about the glib bandying of shitters as traumatic crime props remains a legitimate social concern. They are capable of so much more. Lets see more shitters in cinematic roles as administrators and mentors.

Home filthy Home shitter!

The weirdest shit happens in Heavy Rain and it’s all stuff that has nothing to do with the plot.

This is the shitter in your house that you share with your wife, two sons, and a songbird who has no freedom and no windows and that straight up dies on your watch. Shame on this shirtless oaf for his disregard of the happiness of the bird. After 10 min of bumping into walls it is ‘revealed’ that you are thinking about taking a shower. Of course, you can imagine my delight that the first stop on this journey was the bathroom. But yes “bathroom” it was, only, because in this room there is just a sink, a shower, and separate bathtub that’s located just behind Oaf in this picture. To get to the actual shitter you have to leave the bathroom and it’s on your left in a little closet. There are no windows in either of these rooms. Ridiculous. I disapprove!

It gets worse. In Heavy Rain you can only interact with specific objects at specific times, so you can imagine that it gives me no pleasure whatsoever to rat on this Oaf and tell the entire internet that he does not wash his hands after his encounter with the shitter. He just goes back into the bathroom and shaves his face, and then plays with his kid’s toys, unsanitary hands and all. Disgusting!

Heavy Rain has plenty of opportunities for you to exercise your scorn for the Oaf and his gross habits, including purposefully dropping the groceries, drinking the coffee too fast, and rolling around in the lawn like a dog. Lastly, while playing Heartwarming Plastic Toy Sword Battle with your child, you can make sure that you, the adult, makes it perfectly clear who the man of the house is by completely kicking his ass. Afterward, you’ll see your own scorn for the Oaf is no match for that of his sons, as they leave you passed out on the grass while they bolt inside for some delicious lunchies. Fast forward 20 years when only one of the sons still acknowledges you exist. Proper handwashing is so very essential.

Base Camp shitter!

From bucket brigadier Emrysin here’s a classic blue sentinel potty stall that squats in the base camp of the apocalypse survival game Back 4 Blood. Now in most zombie apocalypse games you don’t get a lot of time to spend on the actual toilet. Because toilet time is all about repose and serenity, and there is none of that while the world is ending. This game has the foresight to put a shitter right in the camp so at least you have a little time to yourself before you go on missions, and to be clear these missions are not the creeping n’ sniping sort of missions. These are more the ‘mow your way through absurd undead population density.’ You’re like a bug zapper light in this game. Endless splatter. You can’t open the door, but mouse over the image if you want a closer look at that helpful handmade sign.

Hospital Wing shitter!

Here’s a Shitter of Fear from our Brigadier of the Year ILikeSocks! Once again from Callisto Protocol, this was spotted in the hospital wing after our hero escaped an ambush.

That does NOT look good. This is a shitter for a building where you’re supposed to go to get all healed up from your maladies and boo boos? You’re going to get tetanus, trichomoniasis, subhepatic hematoma, functional dyspepsia and all that jazz just stepping over the threshold of this minuscule concrete closet. Callisto Protocol has almost no HUD, but since you’re in a prison on Europa they’re using this prisoner collar on your neck to show your health and track your location and stuff. It’s like an Apple watch for your neck! Does this mean that if you go outside of the map your head explodes or something? Best to assume it does.

Miracle of Wonderment and Light shitter!

This submission is by bucket brigadier Alec! Not much is known about this shitter from Modern Warfare, but we can say a whole lot about it. First of all, this may be modern but this ain’t war. Sorry, kiddo, but this is just somewhat messy. Seat is up, which although is direct disrespect to the shitter does not amount to a war crime. A shitter with the seat up like that just isn’t dressed properly. And your bathroom will stay cleaner in general if you put that shit down, son. Anyway, turns out you can polish a turd because look at that goofy little vase of flowers. I’m pretty sure Thich Nhat Hanh was talking about this shitter when he said, “You cultivate the flower in yourself so that I will be beautiful; I transform the garbage in myself so that you will not have to suffer.”

Similarly to what we see here, I have rented apartments that had bathrooms with no window, and I must say, never again. Although I can confidently assert I endeavor to maintain commodes of a pristine state, bathrooms without windows are dank and not in the premium kind of way. Any place that has a bathroom with no window is hiding some mold problems. Trust.

I still have questions. Where is that light source coming from, what is going on with that square of sunlight when there is no window, what is causing the dual newtonian reflective flares on either side of the room, are we inside some spiritual realm where light does not enter yet is dynamically formed? Truly a shitter to contemplate.

Murder hole shitter!

From our 2021 Bucket Brigadier of the Year Emrysin, this rare-ass shitter is from Dragon’s Dogma and it was just in a hallway with no door or anything. So this beautiful example of medieval engineering is not only a shitter, but it is also a siege weapon. Note the arrow hole in the wall: This is very wise placement. The first spot you might think of shitting yourself while you hide from a barbarian onslaught might very well be right at the toilet, but Dragon’s Dogma already thought of that and gave you the resources you need to defend the fortress. Pew pew while you poo poo or whatever. And they’re gonna do you one better because I’ll wager (can’t say for certain because there’s no way to angle the camera down) if there’s an arrow hole in the crapper then the shitter itself is a murder hole so you can rain down holy hell on the invaders below. Unleash a bioweapon of unmitigated scorn. It just makes sense.

Pizzaplex shitter!

There’s something so funny to me about sneaking around to get a peek at this electric purple nightmare shitter with a flashlight powered with D-Cell batteries.

If your parents loved you, they baptized you in the ballpit at Chuck E. Cheese but if they didn’t love you, they only baptized your older sister and left you at home to scratch out a social life telling stories to the backyard trees. I’ll leave it to you to figure out which one I was. Anyway, Freddy’s is like Chuck E. Cheese but without the tragic backstory. Freddy’s horror show is FUN! Freddy is the multifaceted feverdream mascot that children crave.

This glimglam shitter was submitted by bucket brigadier Rockin T! It’s from the horror-ish game Five Nights at Freddy’s: Security Breach. Is it a scary game? Says Rockin T: “Depends on the person!” How wise. This applies to so many situations in this life. Apparently this game has a lot of jumpscares, which to me is more annoying than scary.

Ready for the lore-down? The corkscrew mess in the foreground is detritus left behind by a collectible/quest item. I know, but just accept it for now. It doesn’t really matter why, and it doesn’t need to make sense. In fact you might do more damage trying to flex your noodle around that so best to leave it be. The character on the shitter seat is Glamrock Freddy and his face is the logo for a children’s pizza/fun place. “The Pizzaplex used to be a little pizzeria kids’ place, so they were just plain animals, and now it’s like new and improved and they’re a band. There are many versions of him.” Like animatronic Grateful Dead Dancing Bears that you’d prefer to observe from the quiet side of ballistic glass, the Freddy Bears come in every color of the rainbow and have different personalities too! Apparently, Glamrock Freddy is “naive and friendly.” No wonder he is the face of this shitter!

The Flat Shitter!

No, not a flat shitter, a Flat shitter, like another word for apartment.

Stray is a platforming game with vapors of Twilight Princess and killer robotic tardigrades which detract from the pleasant experience. You play an orange tabby (originally a black cat) whose carefree frolicking amid flowers, butterflies, and a loving family is pointlessly derailed. Your vastly superior life takes a sharp left into a trashed, abandoned metropolis. Immediately after tumbling into a pit of broken glass and crushed cans (and taking internal damage, probably), you become a personal detective and solve problems for SELFISH ELECTRONIC STRANGERS! Bullshit, I say. Let me just drink from crystal-clear rain puddles and nap on wildflower meadows! What the fuck!

This apartment is the first real safe place you find and as soon as you enter it you knock shit off a table. The safe space aspect of this location is denoted by the presence of a shitter, although I don’t much like that draft bearing down from the window like that. The decor is awful but you don’t even get to stay here very long to take it all in because there’s already some jerk named B-12 desperately flashing lights in your face demanding your help. And then he just puts a harness on you and rides you around the city, very Midna-like. Luckily for B-12, you’re the world’s smartest pussy because you not only solve puzzles but you can read, count, and play basketball. I guess your motivation is to get back to your family, but B-12 has his own agenda and basically your whole purpose now is to solve that mystery for him.

Anyway, I only bought this game because the probability for shitters seemed high and look, there’s one right here. So I guess I’m the smart pussy who landed on her feet this time.

Gen Pop Antisocial Stainless Shitter!

Here’s a Shitter of Fear brought to us by our reigning Bucket Brigadier of the Year, ILikeSocks, from the terrible yet beautiful Callisto Protocol. Around this time of year BuzzPopNews or whatever bombards your default feed with “I didn’t ask for this”-type articles about words nobody should use anymore in the new year. Let’s try it ourselves starting with Antisocial vs. Asocial. While using this image as a guide, see if you can identify the correct adjective that describes this shitter:

Asocial: adj. Not social, such as rejecting or lacking the capacity for social interaction.

Antisocial: adj. Averse to the society of others. Unsociable; hostile or harmful to organized society, especially being or marked by behavior deviating sharply from the social norm.

The answer we are looking for is obviously the latter. Although the aesthetic here is making me really want a stainless shitter (look at the gleam on that bowl!). While it can be inferred that the ‘interior designer’ of this compound was trying to diminish the dignity of prisoners via exposure, the proximity of the shitter to the door of the cell is quite clearly a punishment for everyone else. Who wants to see that shit? So when you’re describing how you’re feeling on any particular day, think back to this shitter. You don’t want to go out, you don’t want to interact with others, so you’re feeling asocial. If you’re eager for everyone getting a good appraisal of your down-low bits, that’s antisocial. Let the shitter be your guide!