Gaming Thrones | Thank you for choosing Gaming Thrones for your video game shitter needs. You’re a beautiful human being. Featuring video game toilets, with commentary. Video game screenshots, video game concept art, cosplay, fan art and memes.
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C&P Boarst Factory Employees-Only shitter!

The “pork” factory on Monarch is run by a piece of shit cannibal named Clive Lumbergh. The top thug at SubLight wants to seize the factory, so she ordered me to fuck his assembly line all the way up and drive him out of business. I was given a few options: One was to poison the animals, but since they have a hard enough time as it is, I tried to show some compassion and left them alone. Another way was to enter new parameters into the security robot subroutines, causing them to kill all the human workers - I didn’t see the point in that either. But another option was to just sneak into his office and forge some of his tax records. Because in The Outer Worlds, it’s much worse to be a tax evader than to grind your workers into sausage. On my way out, I was surprised and thrilled to find the factory has an employee bathroom, which, at the time, was in use by this dude. You can imagine how thrilled and surprised he was to see me.

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Roseway Gardens shitter!

Roseway Gardens was an Auntie Cleo’s operation located on Terra II. I say ‘was’, because as you can see, though it is surrounded by idyllic, volcanic farmland, at some point it all went tits-up when the compound suffered a terrible tragedy. And by terrible, I mean a breathtaking karmic rainbow stretched across the sky above Roseway, while a booming voice from the heavens sounded “You bastards deserved what you got.” The function of Roseway Gardens was the manufactory of beauty and home products. They accomplished this by experimenting on, and extracting the glandular secretions of, dinosauric reptiles. Yes, the creatures are mean, savage, and as big as a bus, but they are still entitled to their sanctity of life. And I’m not here to rescue animal mutilators from their shitty selves, so I took pictures and other evidence for the inevitable PETA tribunal.

Here’s another victim of Roseway’s corporate ugliness. This shitter was living its best life in selfless servitude on the Galactical Frontier. This shitter never harmed anyone! Now there’s windows where the wall once was, most of the ceiling is on the floor, and instead of a shitter it is now a shit hole. Fuck Auntie Cleo’s!

While I strolled around not helping anybody because I was so goddamn appalled, I found this recipe for a festive Holiday Hooch. 190 proof grain alcohol? These people don’t need my help. They’re going to solve their own problems.

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Dust District Offices shitter!

You enter this building to loot petty goods via the balcony. At first, you might think there’s not too much purpose to being in this building, until you realize the thrill of sneaking past the chattering secretaries, who are poised like two basilisks, typing at their desks, just to take a picture of their shitter. I felt like I was in Smaug’s chamber, seeking the Arkenstone. This is just me, Corvo Baggins, hunting down the Arkenthrone.

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Ludwig Miller’s shitter!

The universe loves me, Brigade. The Outer Worlds came out on October 23, and one of the first quests in the starter town features a shitter. Meet Ludwig Miller! He hates robots, who have come to replace our jobs and our very lives. He wants to see them suffer before they’re destroyed, and the time to strike is now! All he needs is a key component to his plan, which he stashed in the safest spot he could think of: The latrine of the Spacer’s Choice Cantina. The last place a robot would ever look. Genius! This is a powerful life lesson for our modern age. Know anyone who never uses a toilet, or who doesn’t even think about toilets? They might be a robot.

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Frozen Outhouse at The Wall!

Submitted by Bucket Brigadier ThatOneCroatian!

The collaborative puzzle-solving game We Were Here Together involves the use of voice chat to pass clues to a partner and interact with objects on separate map planes. But turns out, its even more than that. Because this game has shitters, my friends!

Look at this frozen shithole. This doorless portal to HELL is located at a spot called The Wall. How would you like to sit on that? It’s difficult to say for sure, but I’d call that a lethal drop. There’s an elevator puzzle on this level, and I know what you’re going to say, but no. The shitter itself is not part of this puzzle.

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Durante’s Grand Guard Cell shitter!

Submitted by Bucket Brigadier Khazya!

Durante was a man who came to be detained by the Grand Guard for suspicious activity. He did a number of odd yet significant jobs for the Howlers. One such task was kidnapping drunk people to exchange for Howlers hostages via Mr. Modotti, the local silvergrapher and liaison for Shindaerey Mining Company. In that sense, I would say Durante was a devil. But his other job was delivering food, water, and sundries to Aramis Stilton. That’s why he has the combination to Stilton’s front door. So, is he also the one who emptied Stilton’s chamber pot? That’s one conclusion, and for that reason I say this man was an angel.

Shitter Hero Durante was imprisoned in the basement of the Grand Guard’s Batista District outpost, in the most morally degrading conditions imaginable. Grim and bleak, this room is practically yodeling “You’re not coming out of here alive.” There are rats. There’s crumbling plaster walls. A CorningWare® basin to weep into. A gruesome, bare mattress to die on. An unadorned metal pail for your Last Business. And it might be the best prison shitter I have ever seen.

This shitter is a contender for the esteemed Blue Bowl of 2019.

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Jakobs Estate, Eden-6 shitter!

Submitted by Bucket Brigadier Solo Espresso!

There’s some hidden secrets in the Jakobs Estate, including a golden bust of Lenin, and a secret door behind a bookcase! But you know what else is in this zone? A shitter.

I have questions. Is the Eden-6 neighborhood a Homeowner’s Association? This shitter looks remarkably similar to the one at Blackbarrel Cellars, though there are certain nuanced differences. Why did both these locations require bathside gramophones? Why do both of them have crappy curtain installations - What is that filthy painter’s dropcloth-looking thing hanging from above the toilet? And neither have doors. So, why doesn’t Jakobs Estate deserve a nod in the Blue Bowl potentials? Simply put, this location seems to have a better grasp of fire safety, and that bores me.

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Blackbarrel Cellars, Eden-6 shitter!

Submitted by Bucket Brigadier Solo Espresso!

This shitter is fantastic. What am I looking at here? Someone in the tub with a TV head? Is the person dead? Is that someone relevant to the story in any way? Is that a gramophone, or something like it? Detective Espresso has the answers!

“Yeah, apparently. I have no clue, it’s no one important. Just a random idiot mob. And that is a gramophone, I think it’s what it’s called, in the game. It’s such a pretty bathroom, and I love everything in it.”

It is pretty great. But you know what, Borderlands 3, you are really showing your ass here. The curtains are clipping into the walls. The pipes are wrapping around some of the curtains - how doth one closeth thine drapery? And my favorite thing used to be rugs with unfixable wrinkles. My new favorite thing is wrinkled carpet with candles that have been left burning on top of them. This crapper is a tinderbox. Yikes.

This shitter is a contender for the esteemed Blue Bowl of 2019.

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Guts of Carnivora shitter!

Submitted by Bucket Brigadier Solo Espresso, who writes:

“Look it’s a double toilet! Just right there. Inside a shipping container two of them. #ToiletsWithThreateningAuras”

It’s not just remarkable that this unassuming shipping container sports two shitcans, which appear to have, somehow, a working flush function. It’s also wired for electricity!

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Aventa District shitter - Grand Guard Office!

Submitted by Bucket Brigadier Khazya! Whether you’re a rented security officer, a bellhop, or stomping on the fingers of the little guy as a Grand Guard, y’all shit just the same. Here’s where you’d do it! This one can be found on your way to the Jindosh Mansion. It’s easy to overlook, because it isn’t anywhere a normal person would put a public bathroom (on the top floor in a multi-level high-rise). It’s dismal as fuck, so a great place for Corvo to stash the chumps who get in his way. ‘Twas a dark a gloomy shitter!

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Kolbjorn Barrow shitter!

Ralis Sedarys is a Dunmer who has archeological ambitions and dreams. He needs some funds from you (11,000 Septims total) to dig through the layers of volcanic ash on Solstheim’s southern shore, because he says there’s gems and stuff down there. At this point in the game you already have a lot of cash, so the coins you toss at him in installments to get to the bottom of all this is really just a drop in the bucket. If you’re really that worried about it, go sell three Ebony greatswords and your costs are covered.

Things get more and more weird as Ralis makes progress, but because you’re the Dragonborn, you basically just watch him gradually lose his friggin mind, while you loot the barrow, and then save the day afterward. Here’s a shitter that can be found once Ralis sets up camp. Its placement changes slightly over the course of the quest, but like any good shitter, it’s a steadfast pal who sticks with ya ‘til the end.

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Journeyman’s Nook shitter!

Ever go searching for Winterhold College’s missing apprentices? Here’s one of them - Borvir, a barefoot corpse, lays within arm’s reach of his boots, and shitter. He came out here to study mead, the production of mead, and the effects of frost magic on mead. Little did he know he would be studying nothing, because he’s dead at the hands of a few bandits.

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Mzinchaleft - Shitter Safari Tips n’ Tricks

Today’s lesson takes us to the Dwemer ruin of Mzinchaleft. In a foyer near the entrance, we find a campsite with what looks like a shitter. On cursory glance, it has all the traditional expectations of a shitter for this setting. I caution you, Brigade, against complacency, and the fog of simple-minded speculation! A closer examination shows the campers were just using this bucket to tote around weird herbs.

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Forelhost shitter!

The Nord ruin of Forelhost is a mess of fallen masonry, empty treasure chests, and dead chumps (tricked into treasure hunting by Captain Valmir, a Dunmer camped by the entrance). Pick your way through the obstacle course of rusted spinning blade traps and fire that shoots out of the walls to find a shitter. Careful, Dovahkiin! This skelebones from a billion years ago was killed when he tried using the water closet!

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Condemned Bar’s shitter!

Submitted by Bucket Brigadier Khazya! This shitter is located at a defunct saloon. You’ll find it near the beginning of the Addermire Institute mission. I’m really into these humble-proud Shopkeeper Shitters lately. Given how poorly the rest of this building is looking, the barkeep has kept his personal space quite neat and tidy in contrast! His affairs are all in order on that desk. The blankets are folded very nicely! He’s trying so hard to keep semblance of order in this crock of shit that we call The Empire of the Isles. Doing his duty! If this guy traded spots with Emily Kaldwin for a day, I think we’d see at least some of the daily necessities addressed.

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Amh Araeng Mining Camp shitter…..?

Here’s a place in Amh Araeng that will leave you asking “…Is it?” Near a mining camp called Nuvy’s Leavings, you’ll find a strange building resembling an outhouse. If you smash your camera into the door frame, you can see that there is nothing inside except some grass that clips through the raised floorboards. The unusual door on this itty bitty outbuilding begs the question. It’s clearly designed to allow for visual inspection of feet beneath the door, which suggests the building is an outhouse. But if it is, it is the first such structure of its kind in Final Fantasy 14.

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Karnaca Enclave Barber Shop shitter!

I’ve been away for a little minute taking some summer classes, but don’t think I’ve forgotten about you, Brigade! Here’s a nice spot to freshen up off the main room of a barber shop in the Karnaca Enclave. This is really an example of an excellent shitter. For the location, it’s very clean. There’s a lot of detail in this one - The decorative floor tiling, the busted paint job, the personal care products on the sink, even that storage locker that seems a bit out of place. It’s both humble and proud, with that fantastic “I’m just doing my best” ambiance that I adore in a Shopkeeper Shitter. I like to imagine the designer getting into the mindset of the NPC who runs this place and setting up the backdrop accordingly. Definitely a blue ribbon shitter.

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The Crone’s Hand Saloon shitters!

Paolo’s hideaway of The Crone’s Hand Saloon features two shitters - First, a cozy W.C. with buckets (because why not), a wastepaper basket, and receptacle for floor cigarettes. It flushes. Not much else to say.

Second, a very nice bedroom suite shitter with the usual trimmings, plus a convenient cutout in the wall for assassins like me. I’m sure you noticed too that these thugs just toss their dirty shirts on the bathroom floor because they’re living the high life. All rich people do it. It’s a silent declaration of “Fuck you. My 8-button, dupioni collared garment is now on the floor because I am bored of it.” Full disclosure: The wealth of the Howlers Gang is entirely comprised of wealth they co-opted from the pockets of other people.

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Freakish Love Effigy at Dunwall Tower.

I guess Delilah thinks this is supposed to make Corvo fall in love with her, or something? So, like, mote it be, an’ shit.

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Dunwall Storage Hallway shitter - Post-Delilah Takeover!

Remember the unexpected storage hallway shitter that caught you unawares, right before you left Dunwall Tower? Well look who’s still here at the end of the game, waiting right by the door when you return home, like a grizzled, faithful hound!

Has your old pal, Hall Shitter, suffered from use, disrespect, and maltreatment since you’ve been gone? I don’t think so. From the looks of it, Hall Shitter was picked up with the entire grouping of backwards-facing paintings and elevated just a few inches higher onto a desk. Other than that, it seems to be in one piece, apart from just having missed you so darn much while you were away. Now if you’re wondering about the wellbeing of the Brigmore Witch pictured here, yes, that bitch is dead. I was playing High Chaos, so I had very little other option.

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Dr. Alexandria Hypatia’s Apartment shitter!

This apartment is actually really pretty. It’s in a historic building with a back patio, a balcony overlooking a prominent boulevard, and the windows allow for a portion of it to act as a greenhouse. This is the apartment’s clean and tidy shitter. Look how pleasant and lovely it is. When Dr. Hypatia got her shit fucked up by Delilah, she abandoned all this peace, tranquility, and humble opulence for a permanent residence in Addermire Institute, surrounded by gross disease and icky death. Once you help her out (which involves injection of Stop Killing People), she’ll move out of there, get back to being her old self, and start making pretty butterfly collections again.

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Stilton Manor’s Alternate Future Kitchen shitter!

If there’s anything that makes me hang around in a place long after beating the level, it’s the promise of finding a shitter. On my way out of Stilton Manor, I crawled along the convenient shelf-style molding that wraps around the ceiling and looked for special changes. You can’t imagine my excitement when I saw the storage room off the renovated kitchen was now labeled “Restroom.” Excitedly, I did a somersault over the heads of the workmen and slipped through the door to take a look!

In the first slide, we see the storage room as it appears in 1849. Don’t worry, these ladies are just sleeping. I compassionately stashed them in here so I could rummage through their kitchen properly. They’ll be all right.

In the second slide, we see the room is now a shitter in the alternate future of 1852. It was difficult to get before and after pictures here because the room has changed so much, but this room now has two separate stalls and a utility sink.

Appreciation of the new utopia of Stilton Manor must be properly contrasted against the shitter-less Hell that is Jindosh Mansion. And we should all be more like Aramis Stilton (artistic, thoughtful, and hygienic). Jindosh has one personal shitter, and one prison shitter for his Sokolov Holding Cell. But Stilton Manor has so many, I haven’t even posted them all!

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Dr. Nobody’s Sanctum of Misery shitters!

Here’s another slide for our presentation of “Emily Kaldwin Should Not Be Empress.” This bloodfly-riddled apartment in the Dust District is supposed to be a “Doctor’s Office.” I’m sure it was at some point, but a while back it became a portal to Hell. Based on cursory observation, Nature has been reclaiming this building for a lot longer than a few weeks or days.

For those of us who like to keep receipts, here’s an Accounting Book that Dr. Nobody kept of all his snake oil sales. Can’t sleep? Eat some onions! Everyone knows that. Poor Mr. Viteri (the final entry) was a dead man walking after the Doctor’s “treatment,” but isn’t it slightly heartening that this charlatan never actually collected money for his goofery? No? Well, at least Doc is probably dead now, and we can all sleep a little better at night knowing Corvo Attano fumigated this apartment with fire to clear out the bloodflies.

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Brandywine Drop Overlook Outhouse!

Bucket Brigadier Casper submitted this pastoral cliffside shitter! It’s empty. You don’t get a door, but it’s positioned facing away from a fenced cliff’s edge, so at least you’ll see if a bear is coming right at you. Do you think the fear element is a help, or a hindrance to use of this facility?

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Valentine Jail Cell Shittoon!

This Red Dead Redemption 2 shitter was submitted by Bucket Brigadier Casper, who provides the following commentary: “Even amidst the dangerous West in the year 1899, prisoners were looked after better than some of the ranchers. This one in particular I can only assume sat a bandit leader for his last.. you know.”

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Aramis Stilton’s Chamber Pot from 1852!

Somebody at Arkane Studios loves me! Whoever had enough wherewithal to consider a shitter for Aramis Stilton’s “holding cell” in the fucked version of 1852 is an asset to the company and deserves a promotion to team lead immediately.

But let’s talk about the actual viability of this shitter. While I fully understand that video games are not intended to mirror, but merely mimic and mock, reality, I could not help but feel my suspension of disbelief stretched a bit too far when it came to Aramis Stilton’s chamber pot - the one imprisoned with him at the start of the “A Crack in the Slab” mission. We know Duke Abele is paying The Howlers to bring food and candles and stuff for Stilton while he’s locked up in here. The entrance to his room has restricted access, and has been barricaded with furniture. There’s not enough space under the barricade to pass anything more than a plate of food in and out of the room. So, how does he empty this chamber pot? It’s clean, so we know somebody is changing it out for him when they visit. The windows in this room don’t open, so you’d think it would present a problem, since he has been kept in here for three years.

Ultimately, whatever incomprehensible human rights quandary this setup presented is resolved when you help Stilton out by knocking him the fuck out, because multiple additional or renovated shitters appear around Stilton Manor in the fabulously altered 1852 at the end of the mission.

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Addermire Recuperation shitter!

Y’all ready to recuperate? Head to the Addermire Institute of Infectious Diseases, where this bunk is reserved just for you and your recuperation. These are the amenities that await you here: A minibar filled with ether and highly flammable liquor! Loads of cheery sunlight just streaming through the windows! The ambient sounds of bloodflies nesting in the walls! Natural grass flooring? And a chamber pot that is mostly yours, mere inches from your pillow. Plus, the Good Doctor’s office is right next door, so just give a yelp if you need anything at all. If this place yelps anything, it is certainly “recuperation”! I can feel myself already recuperating just looking at this.

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Hamilton Bedchamber shitter!

Addermire Institute’s one and only janitor, Joe Hamilton, lives in a little apartment at the tippy top of the building’s central stairway. Janitor? That has to be a joke, right? While I can believe someone is paying him to hold the title of janitor, there’s no way he’s doing any work there. The place is too far gone - too “steeped in raw filth” - to be receiving any scheduled cleaning. Joe keeps a huge poster of Corvo Attano (hey, that’s me!) pinned to his vision board. He is so frightened of the Crown Killer that he barricades his room with the furniture you see here, as well as a tripwire just outside the door. The job sucks, and he’s under a lot of stress, which might explain his use of chamber pots as receptacles for HP potions.

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Kirin Jindosh’s Certificate of Failure!

Lookie what I found! Hidden away in a closet, alongside a bunch of gross “laboratory reagents”, Kirin Jindosh keeps some Revenge Fuel framed and under glass. This Decree of Shame, and dare we say Dishonor?, is an official proclamation stating Dunwall is not here for your messy, sinful ways! Even the Electromagnetism Council, who cosigned this, doesn’t want to be seen with Kirin Jindosh.

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Mindy Blanchard’s Apartment shitter!

Mindy is a tattoo artist, originally from Morley, who graces Wanted posters throughout Karnaca. This is the shitter in Mindy’s apartment! Note how she has changed out the traditional porcelain chamber pot with a fruit bowl. I love Mindy’s overall gritty aesthetic. Improvisation is both a survival skill, and a design element in the era of the Bloodfly Plague!

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Outsider Shrine Shitter!

On your way to Jindosh Mansion, climb over a balcony to find this shitter with a view of a dark-sided shrine to the Outsider. Spooky! It looks to me, based on the splash pattern of the debris, that the bathroom was broken into from the side of the shrine. Priorities.

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Brigmore Witches Fruit Dick!

This fruit dick sculpture/art installation is a wink from a saucy game developer that you will only see if you use your spyglass to zoom on a conversation between two witches at the royally fucked Dunwall Tower. Go sneak a peek at it, if you dare!

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Dunwall Tower Passageway shitter!

Care to have dinner with Delilah the Rampaging Despot? Ms. Lucile Clothilda was invited to Dunwall Tower to do just that. I’m not sure what exactly transpired to cause her to wind up face-down in the shitter, but through careful detective work (read the letter attached to her ass) we can know that she arrived at Dunwall Tower believing that she would be treated to a sumptuous meal. Maybe her shellfish was poisoned, or maybe it was the clockwork Jindosh Soldier with the razor hands patrolling up and down the hallway, just outside this bathroom, that caused her a mortal wound? None can say for certain.

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Lewisburg Taxidermy shitter!

Mr. Calvin van Lowe was a taxidermist who decorated his place of business in Lewisburg with trussed animal corpses and their various bones. This is the restroom on the 3rd floor of the Taxidermy; note the inventive, however unsanitary, method of storing toilet paper.

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Mystery Lake Outhouse!

Finding bathrooms is always the best part of playing any game, and I was pleased when I located this outhouse next to a cabin near Mystery Lake. It can be found on the western edge of the map, north of the Trapper’s Homestead. Its green door is very attractive. Sadly, it seems that shitters in The Long Dark are mere aesthetic props added for ambience, as this outhouse could not be entered, nor interacted with in any way.

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Ravina Boulevard shitters!

The following is a lesson in the wealth disparity of residents on Ravina Boulevard, located in the Palace District of Karnaca. We can see that some residents enjoy numerous creature comforts, including rugs, carved wooden cabinetry, indoor plumbing, and even lovely wall hangings.

Other residents of the same district live in a contrast of poverty. No bathtubs here, only wash basins. They have to empty the chamber pot somewhere, and the “wall hangings” consist of peeling paper. Their very surroundings are sepia-toned.

However, perhaps “wealth” is a subjective matter. The occupant of the second residence evidently bathes their feet in milk, which is quite luxurious, actually.

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Stilton Attic - Shitty Lie!

I’m sure many Bucket Brigadiers can identify with the story of disappointment that I am about to share. While on Shitter Safari, wandering through the dilapidated ruin of Stilton Manor, I looked up to see this a promising location for a shitter sighting. Yes, my heart leapt as I parkoured up some bookshelves, chandeliers and broken beams into Stilton’s attic. But just as a twinkling gem on a riverbed turns out to be merely some glass from a beer bottle, there was no shitter here! Such is the danger of getting one’s hopes up. I even used the Outsider’s Timepiece, desperately hoping to at least find a chamber pot in the past, but this attic was just a housing for a spare bathtub. What a letdown!

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Dunwall Tower Pisspot Cranny, Before and After!

Right at the beginning of Dishonored 2, you’ll make your way downstairs to eavesdrop on Mortimer Ramsey and pass this nook filled floor-to-ceiling with chamber pots. They’re all being used for houseplants. I thought this intriguing, but not that unusual. I, too, keep a houseplant in a chamber pot. Well, come back later when you’re ready to face down Delilah and you may ask yourself, “Am I seeing shit?” You’ll find this mess in the room where the pots used to be - This time, the plants are taking root in the floor, and the chamber pots are back to their original intended use!

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Royal Palace Master Suite shitter!

Dull. Formulaic. Pedantic. What image do these words conjure? For me, it’s Duke Abele’s personal shitter.

The Duke of Serkonos favors the interior design stylings of a sterile hospital, which is ironic, considering the actual working condition of the Addermire Institute, which falls under the Duke’s rule. The cold marble floors, the emotionless floral arrangement, the neatly organized desk accessories - All this gives the impression of a regime on the straight and narrow. Don’t be fooled! In actuality, it is all symptomatic of a man deeply at odds with himself. In spite of his home’s design affect, this dude also attends orgies and has dead bodies piling up in his drug den (located near the guard outpost!).

Special bonus features: That unconscious body in the doorway is the Duke himself! And secondly, a brave “self-portrait” the Duke tried to hide from me on his balcony. Sorry, but I make it my business to enter a building through the roof, and couldn’t help but capture this masterpiece for eternity on my hard drive. This two-dimensional derpy mug, and its numerous chins, must to be celebrated. Hiding this genius from the world would be a crime.

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Dreadful Wale shitter!

This lavatory can be found on Billie Lurk’s skiff, the Dreadful Wale, which is also an anagram for “Farewell Daud.” Pause for a collective eyeroll. Note the features of this shitter: Handrails, cozy lighting, some flagged books, and no sink. That’s okay, if you’re completing the game with zero deaths, you come out with Clean Hands at the end anyway.

So, they just dump the chamberpot over the side of the boat when they’re done, right? Tell you what, Dunwall. Once you get this whole ‘extremely deadly lack of sanitation’ thing under control, with the rat infestation and all that, might be a good idea to channel some of the funding you set aside for solid marble edifices into Science and Education.

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Bioshock Infinite apartment shitter!

Submitted by junior shitter hunter and bucket brigadier Maven from Maven’s Madness! I am proud to present the results of Maven’s first ever shitter safari - These two bathrooms are from the beginning of Bioshock Infinite. Here is some commentary from Maven: “How much do I weigh after using the shitter?” and, “Is this a lounge toilet?”

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Addermire Institute shitters!

So… let’s talk for a minute about Emily Kaldwin, and her “reign as Empress.” Young Emily came to power in 1827, in the original Dishonored, when she was about 10 years old. She remained Empress for 15 years until she was temporarily deposed by Delilah in Dishonored 2. As the heir, she was raised to become Empress, and during the 15 years of actually being the Empress, she did fuckall, let’s be honest. These damning photos are from the Addermire Institute of Infectious Disease.

This horrendous display caused me to exclaim, “Where were you, Emily?!” I had to jack the brightness all the way up just to see anything in this dark-as-fuck hallway. These are the only shitters I could find in the entire complex, and where the people in charge (Emily Kaldwin and Co) expect you to find repose when you’re being treated for plague. This ain’t clean, Empress! And I took these pictures at great personal risk, as there were fat, jingling loot sacks (also called ‘guards’) patrolling up and down, whining about how hard they work. A swarm of them even parked themselves in the stairwell so they could play dice.

This fucking place. No one was running inspections here. It is busted, sad, and an affront to human dignity. None of us who has suffered from a secondary infection while in a hospital can fail to experience a fountain of fury bubbling up inside after witnessing this mess. Let’s all stand and salute the shitters; these noble, stoic sentries, keeping it together in the face of extreme bullcrap.

Emily Kaldwin was a shit Empress, and she deserved to be kicked off the throne. Hopefully, she learned something! If you play Dishonored 2 as Emily, try to earn back the title, won’t you?

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Dust District shitter!

Here’s a bathroom in a residence not far from Stilton manor, with about 4 inches of silver dust piling up on the floor, and boarded-up windows that barely let the light in. Hard labor in the silver mines of Karnaca is tough, and the most naïve among us suffer the greatest - in this case, the shitters. Oh, don’t look at me like that. The resident of this apartment didn’t really ‘break their back’ in Stilton Mines. They’re definitely exaggerating! First of all, that slogan is slapped on walls and alleyways all up and down this street. And second, how’d they reach over the clawfoot porcelain tub like that to write on the wall with a broken back? No, the one who has it the worst is the shitter, because God knows what terrible fate befell it. My shocked face quickly shifted into my sad face when I saw this wooden potty with no chamberpot inside. Let’s cross our fingers that the bowl got lucky, hopped a ferry, and is living out the rest of its days on a vineyard somewhere in Tyvia.

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Argent Energy Research Facility shitter!

Submitted by Bucket Brigadier Minjianaxx, who says: “This was in the research facility for Argent Energy, which is an energy source found in Hell that can make infinite energy. The leader fucked up and let some bitch open a hell wave on Mars turning 60% of the people into demons, and the rest got killed horribly by said demons.”

A hatch hangs open on the ceiling. That doesn’t look safe, gamer! Exceptional photography by this Brigadier, who snapped a shot of the shitter itself in the midst of a melee.

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Stilton Manor’s Alternate Timeline shitter!

If you were at all skeptical over the virtue of your deus ex machina actions concerning Aramis Stilton, allow this to allay your doubts.

A little backstory: When you first tiptoe through Stilton Manor, you’ll find evidence of a lot of interrupted renovation work. There’s stone and mortar piled about, new layout maps, and notes left here and there mentioning a planned housing expansion. But this was all halted, and due to the witchcraft debacle of 1849, Stilton Manor was never renovated. But if you use the Outsider’s timepiece to travel back to that fateful day, and throw a wrench into Delilah’s plans (just knock Stilton out with a sleep dart while he’s muttering to himself on the back patio), the timeline changes, and so does Stilton Manor. Instead of a festering heap of copious bloodfly hives, the mansion will transform into an airy, artsy retreat with endless halls of smooth white marble.

And here’s the real proof that you did the right thing, hero. In the alternate present, this area, once blocked off for renovation, becomes an office with an en suite. The penultimate reward for a job well done is this immaculate shitter, which would not even exist, if not for you.

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Neuro Mod Division shitter!

Venture into the Neuro Mod Division’s waterlogged and partially-electrified gender-neutral bathroom to see a spooky shitter! Proceed into the inky blackness with extreme caution, using your flashlight to identify the corpses of various crew members. If you are brave enough to make it to the shitter, there’s an unusual prize waiting for you: A pile of eel scraps! Neat!

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Dunwall Tower Master Bedroom shitter!

Here’s some more Before & After Action brought to you by the Designing House of Brigmore. At the start of the game, this is possibly the first shitter you see. It is located at the end of the hall of the Bedchamber Suite. What I’m assuming is that Emily and Corvo share this, as neither of their bedrooms have private shitters. This room provides a convenient spot to stash the body of the guard you choke out in the hall (just plunk him right into the bathtub).

You see this room again when you return to Dunwall Tower to eliminate Delilah for good. The Royal Washroom got a facelift, and a faceplant right into some conjured brambles! To get this LOOK for yourself, take any container you see, tip its contents on the floor, and use the mess to anchor a bunch of tallow candles. Your guests will appreciate the bathtub daybed, complete with Hug-Me Hartebeest Head. Random wig stands provide the perfect “Je ne sais quoi dafuq” that you need to keep your visitors nervous and guessing. Break and stain shit, but don’t smooth out the original wrinkles in the floor coverings, especially if you love the sound of guests clenching their teeth until they crack.

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Dunwall Tower Storage Room shitter!

As you exit the Kaldwin Saferoom, through the back door and onto the rooftops of the city, you must pass through a narrow corridor stuffed with the things that rich people hang onto, like extra couches and paintings (like, four dozen couches and paintings). In your haste to get to the meat and potatoes of the game, you might say to yourself (as I did), “Surely there wouldn’t be a shitter in here.” Au contraire, Brigade! It is yet unclear if this shitter is supposed to just be stored here, or if anyone actually uses it. I guess if you wanted to toss the contents out over the city of Dunwall when you’re through, that’s your perogative as a member of the ruling elite.

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Kaldwin Saferoom shitter!

Emily Kaldwin’s super secret clubhouse is festooned with all the comforts and privileges a lil Empress could desire. That means platters of fresh, firm fruit, crisp bedlinens and laundered coverlets, and shelves of stiffly-bound books, trinkets, memorabilia, and baubles. There are two iron-clad safes full of gold bullion, and a humming furnace. It even has a secret entrance (accessible only with a special key that is in the form of the Royal Signet ring). Seems the perfect place to cuddle up with a copy of Tale of the Mariner’s Voyage, and hide from one’s responsibilities for hours.

Well, you can fuck right off with that highborn shit, because Delilah Copperspoon is here off the mean streets of Dunwall with some decorating ideas of her own. And she prefers to use Nature’s Palette of tracked-in grime and runoff rainwater! Clutch your pearls! The Designing House of Brigmore demands a looser grip on that stuffy notion of “a reasonable degree of filth.” When Delilah wrested control of this circus, she blasted that locked door right off its hinges and did away with the posh linens, satins, and silks. Gone are the snacks and the knick-knacks! Gone are yesterday’s useless heirlooms (note that poor Mrs. Pilsen has been tossed right in the fucking toilet)! This isn’t even the full room. This is just the part of the room with the shitter in it. Elsewhere in the Saferoom, there was a marble carving of a female figure, but when Delilah took over, she replaced it with an actual human man encased in splintery black witch crystals.

What do you say, Brigade? Which version is better: Rich Girl’s Refuge, or Profane Pigsty?

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Dunwall Tower shitter!

A private citizen is holed up in this bathroom in Dunwall Tower. He’s scared to leave because there’s a killer robot roaming the hall outside the blocked-up door, but you can get in by crawling through an opening near the ceiling. Once inside, you’ll be able to reassure him that help is on the way and he’ll be rescued from Delilah very soon, but mostly you’re here to check out the shitter.

Don’t worry about him, the dude’s hierarchy of needs are more than met. There’s some shitter food in here and I know he’s got plenty of that desalinated tap water fresh from the sea waters surrounding Dunwall Tower. He’s got a couple of dressmaker dummies for company and some lorebooks for when he gets bored. A shitter is the best possible place to have to hide out in the event of a Witchcraft Coup.

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Royal Conservatory shitter!

Here’s a room that was created for the sole purpose of making sure there was a shitter in this building. Thank you very much, Arkane Studios. There’s nothing in this room aside from a functioning toilet, a dead guy, and two bullets.

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Duke Abele’s Royal Guards’ shitter!

The Duke lives steeped in opulence in the nouveau-riche, modern expressionist Royal Palace, that sports a ghastly cast plaster exterior. Aramis Stilton has more taste, and I think the Duke is trying to play catch-up. Abele spent a lot of cash on his palace, but cut corners on the facilities for his support staff. I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t want to shit here. It is slightly less dreary than a workcamp barracks, and Duke Abele obviously didn’t feel the need to spring for any kind of floor coverings, a second sink, or even a second coat of paint. The shitter itself is fine; it is innocent, and is just trying to do its job.

In case you were wondering, no, I didn’t incapacitate these guards, they were already slumped over drunk when I got here!

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Stilton Manor Guest Bathroom shitter!

An exquisite guest bath featuring a rip in the very fabric of time. Speaking of fabric and time, it’s interesting to see the dirty laundry has remained unshifted in both past and present. Note the fabulous addition of mannequin heads in both the tub and the shitter bowl. A unique feature of this shitter, aside from the whole timewarp thing, is the alcove-type nook with interrogation lighting. Sit your ass down and explain your shit, Stilton!

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Dunwall Tower Hallway shitter!

You might recognize this spot from the first Dishonored, as the location where the Lord Regent is arrested after you expose his crimes via loudspeaker. Just look at how the plucky Brigmore Witches have transformed this dull, ordinary hallway into a cluster of shit stalls, decorated with profane scrawlings and filth! These ladies really know how to make a house a home. If you need to get all dolled up for a visit from the Duke, this is the spot to get fresh, pretty and demure. What do you think you’d find if you turned that chamber pot in the middle rightside-up? I’m fully certain there’d be a nice bouquet of colorful roses.

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Paolo’s shitter!

Slippery eel and Outsider enthusiast Paolo (no last name, because he is a standalone rockstar) calls a near-empty apartment above the Crone’s Hand Pub home. This is Paolo’s very own shitter - Notice there is no toilet! I don’t think he’s using that bucket, either. Paolo is a sorcerer who can transfigure into a cloud of rats like Sewer Dracula, so he might not need a normal shitter at all. I can definitely imagine this grimy little weasel crimelord just blooming into a swarm of rats and shitting all over the city that way.

Fun Fact: The character Paolo is voiced by Pedro Pascal!

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Fenella Reid’s shitter!

Due to a helpful letter left behind, we can know that Ms. Fenella Reid worked for the Boyle company, and at the time of Peak Delilah she was living in a collapsing, ruined townhouse on Kaldwin Boulevard. Though Fenella eventually left town, her shitter stayed behind as a testament to the vulgar inhumanity of dark-sided witchcraft! When I saw this puddle of smashed porcelain, I just wanted to drop to my knees and scream “why, why, WHY?”, but since I’m going for the Ghostly achievement I just silently took a dignified picture, like a professional combat correspondent. I definitely choked out the Brigmore Witch that was standing lookout at the top of the townhouse. Earlier in the game, you overhear two witches cackling about how satisfying it is to smash precious dishware. I’m sure this was her doing, the villain.

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The Incredible Time-Traveling Shitters of Stilton Manor!

Aramis Stilton gives the impression of a well-meaning, if not simple-hearted fellow who just wants to collect art and arrange flowers. How did his manor fall into such disrepair? The long and short of it is Stilton permitted Duke Abele and his shitty cronies to use his home for a séance that ultimately gave physical form to the spirit of Delilah. Now he’s trapped in a prison in his mind, but you can free him using a hand-held, dark-sided timepiece and a strategic bump on the noggin.

The timepiece can also be used to check out Stilton’s phenomenal shitters. You can use the timepiece to either take a little peek back in time through a glass, or transition entirely from the present to the past. Clearly, time and witchcraft has taken a toll on Stilton’s master bathroom. Though the decor was quite nice back then, nature added some beautiful and dignified additions of her own. Some fallen pipes now house ornamental grasses, vines, and god knows what else, and a brass alligator statue salutes us from the bow of that bathtub. The shitter itself remains whole and in working order in both timeframes. The complexity of this washroom is yet unsurpassed.

This shitter is a contender for the esteemed Blue Bowl of 2019.

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Clockwork Mansion Master Bedroom shitter!

Towering high above the rat-infested streets of Dunwall is the Clockwork Mansion of Kirin Jindosh! It has four floors and two bathrooms. Fuck you I guess if you work here.

If you want to complete the game without ever being seen, you’ll want to traverse the entire map of the Clockwork Mansion without using any floor-shifting levers even once. This is possible if you smash the skylight in his entryway with a bottle and climb around in the ceilings above all the moving parts. However, if you want to take a picture of Kirin Jindosh’s private shitter, you’ll need to move one or two levers.

Jindosh is a weird guy, and not because he spends his life disguising his torture-lab as a quirky, upper-class amusement park. His washroom is way bigger than most entire apartments in Dunwall, and it looks like he mixes his relaxations with his work because there’s a microscope on the table near his bathtub. Maybe he likes to look at his toenail lint under magnification. Freak.

The washroom, which doesn’t even have a chamberpot, let alone a toilet, is in a fussy configuration to the bedroom, which houses the toilet in a little closet. The shitter itself has terrible lighting and is rather unremarkable. Frankly, Jindosh, I’m disappointed in you! To access either one, you’d have to be standing on the other side and use a lever. That part might not so much weird as it is overly complicated, but he has peppered the walls of his washroom and his shitter with portraits of nogoodniks and criminals (including Delilah, Luca Abele and Aramis Stilton), and that part is very weird!

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Clockwork Mansion Assessment Chamber shitter!

The second shitter in the Clockwork Mansion is located in the basement, within the shifting maze that imprisons Anton Sokolov. In the first Dishonored, Sokolov is a jackass who gets happy watching rats cannibalize each other. But in Dishonored II, he’s portrayed as a grandfatherly figure to Emily Kaldwin. Anyway, here’s his prison shitter.

Does it say something ‘nice’ about Kirin Jindosh that he provides a shriveled ancient like Sokolov with a satisfactory shitter like this one? Not necessarily; it just implies Jindosh is hoping to keep Sokolov locked up for a very, very long time.

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Mirell’s Basement shitter!

Mirell Hoofbeat lives at a backwater settlement on The Farmers’ Coast. He has a barbaric iron-barred cell in his basement where he keeps his daughter, Bea, who is sick with worms. See, to keep Bea from biting people and burning houses, Mirell has to keep her locked in the basement. Yes, worms are to blame for this!

Well, it ain’t worms, it’s the Red Madness, but anyone with a brain could see that. I shouldn’t be too harsh on Mirell. He’s likely illiterate, has a maximum of nine teeth, and no birth certificate.

When you explain it to Mirell, carefully, and using very small words, he’ll give you a family heirloom in exchange for advice on how to put her down like a sick horse. When you come back in a few days, Mirell claims he did it with a poison tea, but I doubt that. Look at how this cell is all covered in blood! Are you just going to leave it like this, you filthy pig? At least he had the basic humanity to offer Bea a shitter while she was in captivity.

Enderal: The Forgotten Stories is a mod for Skyrim which is takes place on a landmass entirely separate from Tamriel. It is available for free on Steam.

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Pi Kappa Mu shitters!

Behold a trashed party house at Fraternity Row in Morgantown. I can’t say they didn’t have their priorities straight when they plunked a shitter down directly on the front sidewalk.

The other shitter is in the frat house basement. I’ve known people who live like this, and it’s impossible to interact with them. Since all the people from this frat house are skeletons, it’s almost the same experience, except less talking. Note the triangular anatomy chart on the shower wall. Get a shitty education with your brain damage!

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Boyle Mansion shitters!

Sorry, aristocracy, but your shitters suck. The bathrooms in the Boyle mansion are bland, lame, and boring as fuck! For all their finery, these shitters have none of the nuance and mirth of even the poorest shitters of Dunwall. I guess it does speak to how the rich, creamy ruling class finds their own existence to be so utterly tedious, darling.

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Distillery District shitter!

The most no-nonsense shitter of them all, full of shiny loots and resting alongside a stack of books to ponder. The noble chamber pot, located in a nook of the Distillery District, is primarily used by Slackjaw’s gang. But don’t think this is enough for the likes of The Bottlestreet Gang. There’s something beautiful about a bunch of big ‘n tall thugs perching delicately on the edge of a porcelain saucer.

And if you want insight into class disparity during Gristol’s rat plague, compare this hovel to the carved, solid walnut in the Boyle Mansion shitters.

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Dunwall Tower: The Lord Regent’s shitter!

Hiram Burrows, Lord Regent and main antagonist for two-thirds of Dishonored, is a dreadful boogeyman who concocted a coup against Empress Jessamine and framed you, Corvo Attano, for her murder. This is where he shits: A darling and precious chamberpot that did not deserve this life. From the observer’s POV, this looks like a great government job. The opulent surroundings of Dunwall Tower, with all the finest appointments of a steampunk dystopia, and you get to bask in the eerie pale blue glow of this gaudy bedchamber. But, and I think all chamberpots everywhere would agree, you’d probably rather lay broken in an alleyway than be the personal shitpot of a genocidal dictator.

Don’t get the Lord Regent of Gristol confused with Hiram Burrows of Port Jervis, NY. Check out this mention of a real Hiram Burrows, who died of Typhoid, in an 1869 issue of The Evening Gazette.

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Dunwall Tower shitter!

This one is a little fucky, but I’m not convinced that it’s the shitter’s fault. You can see the chamberpot is clipping into the wooden seat of the shitter. Is it trying to run? Maybe it has to do with the fact that there’s a highly combustible drum of whale oil, alongside the open fucking flame of a lantern mere feet from where you are supposed to feel most at ease. The wooden hinged lid is spattered with whale oil. This room reminds me a lot of this shitter on Talos I. The rogue government of Gristol can make hydraulic super soldiers that shoot rockets with no problem, but trust them to jerry rig a veritable bomb in a restroom. What a filthy debacle.

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Charleston Shack shitter!

This quaint, riverfront cottage looks like it practically built itself from sentient debris floating on the Kanawha River. It blends right in, which is why you might even miss the shitter that doubles as a lookout tower and a shelter from Super Mutant passersby. It’s a pretty great shack. In addition to the wooden potty stall, there’s a radio, a bed, and a perimeter of razor wire fencing. You can pretend it’s yours. A note left by Charleston’s former pastor (there’s a condemned chapel across the water) lays next to the radio. It indicates the previous owner was killed by a sniper from an office building overhead, but you won’t need to worry about such a fate, since you likely have a chameleon left leg, and are ambulating in a crab-like stealth crouch at all times.

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Graninger Farm shitter!

Hey, sweet digs. This sprawling, three bedroom farmhouse (that’s debatable, but there are three beds, including a double bed, a little mattress on the floor, and the skeleton of a bed half-hidden under rubble) has every trimmin’ and fixin’ you could desire! You get a floor safe, two radios, a culinary cauldron, and one very large skylight. Note the tub propped against the wall like a coffin for a shitter vampire. This location is special because you can find a rare plushie here named “Pristine Teddy Bear”! The wikia describes it as a “junk item.” That’s rude.

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The Warrens shitter!

Have you ever lived in a crawlspace under an ancient city corrupted by wealth and greed, using a communal shitter shared by seven other people? You know, I haven’t either, but if you’re curious about what that would look like, head to The Warrens, an absolute trash heap in Markarth. It is one of many disgraces of this city. The entrance is right next to the place where they drown thieves, so you can’t miss it.

The wikia article states the following: ‘There is absolutely nothing of value in the main hallway, with the exception of some firewood near the central fire.’ BEG PARDON? Is no one going to acknowledge the brave, solitary, wooden hero that deserves all the commendations and medals ever made, and the only thing here that’s keeping this shit together?

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Phillipi Battlefield Cemetery shitter!

Back before the bombs fell, people in Appalachia liked to reminisce about the Civil War a lot. There are a fair few monuments on the map dedicated to this purpose. One such landmark, Phillipi Battlefield Cemetery, has a gift shop in a rickety old house. If the infestation of mutated bugs doesn’t exactly bother you, there’s a bunch of dress-up clothes that you can rifle through and steal. In the parking lot you’ll find these shitters that double as planter boxes for majestic Freedom Corn! Wow!

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Unmarked Solstheim Campsite shitter!

Responsible campsite upkeep is important. You don’t want to be creating a mess for future campers. The Golden Rule of camping in Skyrim is: Take only deer pelts, butterfly wings, thistle, hawk feathers, spiky grass, and Dragon Priest artifacts; leave only footprints.

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Shadowbreeze Apartments Penthouse shitter!

This one is kind of a bummer, Brigade. It appears that rather than face the wrath of nuclear destruction, the affluent resident of this penthouse apartment paddled into the washroom in his blue bedroom slippers, boarded up the windows, and took his final bubble bath with a bottle of wine and some chems.

I’ve enhanced the lighting on the rollover so you can get a better look at this veritable Pharaoh’s tomb! The finely-appointed shitter has a shaving station, grimy towels, a ceiling fan, and an intact mirror on an extending arm, which is very neat. This shitter looks to be the depressed, emo twin of the shitter in Vault 76, which, by comparison, is cheerful, optimistic, and has no corpses.

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Kiddie Corner Cabins shitter!

Nyeehehe! Yes, yes! Do come in!

Here we see the Common Garden Gnome in his natural habitat: An acid-bath of humanity’s collective sorrow and regrets. Yes, do come closer! Partake in the hospitality of his beautiful home, this pastoral lakeside getaway! Where only scientifically-unknown bacteria, and Ghouls, can survive.

Kiddie Corner Cabins are a series of small wooden buildings that have seen some shit. The potty stall is still standing, but so is a crisp husk of a dead chump, right in the doorway, so that’s a no-go. There’s a dinner tray in there, and some TP, as if they’d ever see use again.

Despite the carnage, or perhaps especially because of it, this shitter is a role model and a champ. Everything else around it has given in to the pressure, and crumbled to crap, but this shitter is still upright and proud, because it has nothing to be ashamed of.

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Toxic Valley Public Pool shitter!

I climbed over splintered wood and rusty, exposed rebar to investigate this shithole. From the outside, any reasonable person would already know there is most likely a serial killer hiding in this poolside public shower. The building had a lot of nice fixtures originally, but it probably would have been a hideout for a killer even before the bombs. And you can bet from the picture of the innertube that there’s something terrible in the stall on the left. Even so, my blood ran cold when I opened it up to reveal this maniac, just laying in wait! Gnomes are all reverse-stalkers. They wait a long time for you to show up, just to scare the shit out of you.

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Watoga High School Rooftop shitter!

“One for sorrow, two for joy! Three for a girl, four for a boy! Five for silver, six for gold! Seven for a secret, never to be told!

Answer me riddle, and the paper is yours! Otherwise, your fate is the same as Bubblegum Bear’s! Yeeehehehehee!”

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Morgantown Rooftop shitter!

This DIY urban campsite has a chair made from cement blocks, a weight bench improvised out of existing heating exhaust hardware, and a cute little shack right out of a post-Apocalyptic storybook. It also has a shitter! The bucket on the left sits next to a shitter’s best friend, a full roll of toilet paper. This camper preferred to sleep outside the existing structures in Morgantown, possibly because they are teeming with ghouls. The whole surface area is also doused with kerosene, which would have made for a certain exit from this mortal coil if the ghouls had attacked in the night.

The camper, no longer in residence at this property, was Alicia Parker. We know it’s her shitter, because a holotape labeled with her name and a message from her about the state of society has been left next to the bucket. That’s a very personal gesture.

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Kanawha Nuka-Cola Plant shitter!

Access to this shitter is restricted by a level 3 lock in the reception area of the Nuka-Cola Plant at Kanawha. Was it even worth locking? There’s only an empty fizzypop bottle in here.

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Freddy Fear’s House of Scares shitters!

If you’re a basic bitch who wants the most generic witch or clown outfit, you can find them littered about the ruins of this costume store. But if that’s all very 2077, and bores the shit out of you, just poke around a little more and you’ll find two shitters and a secret clubhouse!

Scurry up Freddy Fear’s fire escape, where this little shelter has been slapped together on the roof. There’s a disease-ridden floor bed, some supplies, a dead chump, and a shitter! Yuck!

Just behind you, a locked door requires a special key. Take a hike to a remote and barren hellscape (it’s marked by a cartoon butterfly on the map). The key is guarded by this legendary boss shitter, lurking in a pool of deadly sulfuric acid! Fish out the key (and an Alien Blaster gun) and use it to open Freddy’s awesome alien-themed clubhouse.

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Pumpkin House shitters!

Halloween was just around the corner before the bombs dropped in 2077, so it’s no wonder you can continually find plastic pumpkin-shaped treat buckets all over the fucking place in any Fallout game. At the spooky Pumpkin House of West Virginia, there’s plastic pumpkins and glowing, irradiated, carved pumpkins! As well as this fantastic shitter, all decked out for Halloween.

It’s a nice little spot. You get an unbroken mirror, a full roll of toilet paper, a grimy towel for drying your hands after using the sink that actually works, and even some Shitter Soda. The trade-off is there are icky bugs, and you could maybe even twist your ankle on these rotted floorboards!

Better play it safe and cross the street to this little campsite shitter. If you sneak, you might not even have to shoot packs of wild dogs, ghouls, and a scorchbeast that all live there.

Since there are two skeletons already lining up to use this stall, why don’t you keep going and mosey to the other side of the property, where you can find a rare treat: Aside from the fragile husks of dead people that will crumble into toxic, airborne powder at the slightest touch, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with this bank of potties, which come with their own privacy fencing!

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Skullbone Vantage shitter!

The raiders who lived at Skullbone Vantage (a name you can’t say without summoning a disembodied electric guitar riff accompaniment) were so badass! Their couches are made from sports cars, and skeletons riding tire swings dangle from twisted metal merlons. Another architectural triumph of this raider camp is these incredible shitters! Two lovely red gondolas have been repurposed. One appears to be occupied, but the other is probably completely safe.

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Psychotronics shitter!

I know there’s a half-dead alien blob pinned in the bowl by a wrench somebody threw before fleeing in terror. But the other shitter here still works, so have at it.

Take note as well that this bathroom is absolutely fucked. For Morgan Yu, the main character, this crisis began only hours ago. But how long has this really been going on for? Almost all the floor tiles have been ripped off, and the electrical wiring has shitted out. Once you’ve completed the game, this kind of thing is an interesting detail on the subconscious of the story.

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Deep Storage shitter!

Here’s another water closet - like an actual closet - in the science vessel Talos I. If you look past all the carnage and the things that are obviously wrong here, you can focus on the gorgeous stainless steel throne with its industrial piping! Wow!

Ok, now let’s be honest - What even is this shit? Is there a door? There isn’t. Great. A corpse has been dragged in here, or maybe something has schlorped away from the corpse, leaving a trail. There’s just cardboard storage boxes, and exposed insulation, and exposed circuit boards, and biohazard fluid in pouches, on the fucking floor. A “NO SMOKING” sign! That’s exactly the kind of thing you need on a Space Station. There is no way a human wrote this portion of the sim. Only an alien, or a robot, would think any of this is normal. But the toilet itself is stellar!

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Legend of Zelda’s Toilet Hand!

The entity that lives in the lavatories of the many incarnations of Legend of Zelda will spook AND reward you. Don’t worry, Phoeni only wants some toilet paper, and it is consistently lucrative for you to abide by his wishes. The whole thing is based around different Japanese legends of ghosts that haunt toilets.

Majora’s Mask: At the Stock Pot Inn in Clock Town, hand him any of various paper items and he’ll reward you with a heart piece that “fell in”!

Oracle of the Ancients: This time, in exchange for paper, Phoeni will toss you a “Stink Bag.” This is a component in a complicated trade agreement between MANY parties that ultimately results in a sword that shoots fucking lasers.

Get a clock from Poe; trade to the postman for Stationery; trade to Pheoni for Stink Bag; trade to the Tokay cook for Tasty Meat; trade to Happy Mask Salesman for Doggie Mask; trade to Mamamu Yan for a Dumbbell; trade to Thomas for a Cheesy Mustache; trade to the comedian in Lynna City for a Funny Joke; trade to Dekadin for a Touching Book; trade to Maple for Magic Oar; trade to Rafton for the Sea Ukulele; trade to Old Zora for the Broken Sword; and finally, trade to Patch for the Noble Sword.

Holy fucking shit! That’s a lot of garbage to pass around just to get a sword, but you can trade THIS one for a Master Sword later, so it’s worth it. For some this trading chain is a nightmare, but if you’re the type to drool over fetch quests, here’s your drug of choice. Let’s be honest. If this was Skyrim, you could just lockpick your way into Old Zora’s house, pickpocket the Broken Sword off his ass while he’s asleep, and trundle off to Patch to exchange it for the Noble Sword.

Skyward Sword: This version is icky! In your travels as Link, you’ll hear a rumor about strange sounds in the Knight Academy bathroom. Once again, it’s Phoeni, who wants paper. If Cawlin has asked you to give Karane a love letter, you can punish Cawlin for being too meek to do it himself by giving the love letter to Pheoni. This will produce several results: Cawlin will become depressed, Phoeni will visit Cawlin while he’s sleeping (and stroke his face), and YOU will receive five Gratitude Crystals!

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Happy Valentine’s Day from Snow-Shod Farm!

This shot has terrible lighting, but they sleep in their basement and only have these rudimentary horn candles to see by.

A love story of pure solid gold is that of newlyweds Addvild and Leonara Arius. They work Snowshod Farm together. If you talk to Leonara, she’ll tell you about how she fled Cyrodiil, knocked on the first door she found, and it happened to be this Addvild guy. Conveniently, they fell in love! Here’s where they sleep, dress, and crap. I think they have a His and Hers thing going on.

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Far Harbor Campgrounds shitter!

How would you like to camp out at this unmarked location in Far Harbor? There’s a super spooky shitter for you to use, and the Stachybotrys is absolutely free.

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Calvert Underground Lab shitter!

I guess there are certain levels of existance that people are willing to sink to when the shit hits the fan. Here’s the lifeless bunker of Calvert Labs, completely devoid of interior design. You got your cot, your shit bucket, and your harsh subway lighting. There’s a first aid kit outside in case your wittle soul aches for some art, or human contact! Boo hoo, you big baby.

Desmond Lockheart has a Panic Room under Calvert Mansion, and its full of goodies. There’s a bucket here. I don’t think it’s for shitting. It’s too close to the food items. But who knows? I’ve been wrong before.

Lastly, also in Calvert Labs, we have Bethesda serving up some Western Healthcare realness with a very distinct prop placement.

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Test Chamber 00 shitter!

Portal begins in this exhibitionist’s cube - or “Relaxation Vault” - its sole purpose being for you to escape it. Alongside your cozy bed and a small table where someone has inconsiderately left behind a dirty coffee mug and testing data, we find the real star of the scene. The shitter itself is oddly spherical, and even stranger, there is no portal inside the bowl which would eliminate the need for plumbing.

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Shitter Shack!

This unexpected, private bathroom is in an unmarked location near a shack north of Ten Pines Bluff. It’s right on the shores of a super-irradiated pond of runoff water, which will kill you pretty quickly if you stray too close. Inside is a shitter and a creepy mannequin who will watch you. The newspaper is serving double duty. First you can read about the moronic dramas of times gone way by, then you can use the paper for the only real purpose it has left. Finally, you may wonder how they wired a lamp to work all the way out here, but your wonders will be replaced with the sads when you find the corpse of some guy in this here tub. Marvelous.

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Life Support shitter!

In the gender-neutral shitter of the Life Support division of Talos I, you’ll find this fuckery. Since nobody is left alive to tell the tale, we have to piece the story together from what remains. We know from a nearby Transcribe that a Typhon took over Kirk Remmer’s body and killed everyone. Based on this, my guess is in their haste incapacitate Remmer, someone sprayed Gloo all over the place, and in their panic accidentally popped Alton Weber (the corpse on the floor) right in the face.

But look past the carnage that resulted from unprepared professionals, and check out this cool Creamsicle aesthetic. Explore this bathroom to find a hidden compartment containing a useful keycard!

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Sanctuary Hills custom shitter!

Fallout 4’s Settlement functions allow the player to add many fun, creative structures to claimed towns. Here’s a shitter I made in Sanctuary Hills. Now I know that the plumbing wouldn’t really work, but if you pretend that it would, you’d probably use that enamel bucket to bring water to the bowl to make it flush. The boxes and stuff are for all kinds of supplies you’ll need in an open-air shitter such as this (tp, antibacterial soap, and a .44 to fend off the radroaches). There’s some lovely decor, including a rug that ought to keep down the radioactive vines and stuff. The ash tray is handy for burning some incense after you’re done to keep it smelling OK. Building this for my settlers gave me a feeling of satisfaction, however, I felt that it was total bullshit that that crafting a custom shitter, with love, did nothing to improve their overall happiness.

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Valentine’s Day is approaching, so rev your romance engines with this prose from Griswold, Poet Laureate in the year 2287. If this doesn’t convince you that nuclear decimation of the human race is a really bad thing, I don’t know what will, but this is what’s left in humanity’s Talent Coffer once everyone else has been blown to cinders.

The first pictures are selections from Griswold’s Poetry Journal. These detail a saga of Griswold’s reflections on his greatness, and contemplations of Sue.

The last picture here is Sue’s. Likely the only eligible female in this raider camp of Monsignor Plaza, she has her own thoughts on Griswold.

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Unmarked Shitter outside Robco Research Center!

This unmarked shitter appears to be camping here independent of any surrounding territory. I am guessing a Wastelander NPC constructed this from found objects. It seems a pleasant spot to squat. Enclosed in pieces of fencing, this doorless outhouse is accompanied by a whole bathtub and some Standard Shitter Goodies can be found within - A random assortment of beverage and first aid.

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Psychotronics Holding Cell shitters!

While playing Prey, there have been moments where I realized that the fuckers working on Talos I got exactly what they deserved. Finding these rooms was one of those moments. Check out the shitty, dehumanizing conditions prepared for mental health ailments. The “bed” is a plywood platform with a paper-thin mattress. Or maybe it’s a sofa, and they expect the person to sleep on the cot?

It has a radiator. Can we just talk about that for a second? What twisted, illiterate contractor decided this was the go-to technology for the year 2031 on a fucking Space Station? Why do they even need heating units like this? Doesn’t Talos I use thermal padding and the Magnetosphere like any other structure of its kind?

You’ll notice as well that there’s aluminum trays, and metal cutlery. In a psychiatric ward! Maybe their excuse starts out as, “Well, we didn’t anticipate we would have psych patients needing special cutlery in Outer Space.” But you had the forethought to build multiple padded cells, so what the fuck? You have fabricators that could just poof the proper items out of polymer resin! Explain your bullshit! These aren’t even the only rooms like this on the Station. Have some floor food, you breathing liability, and a journal so you can take notes on this bullshit to present to the UN later.

For future reference, being locked in a psych ward does NOT protect you from aliens. When I got to the second room, there was a mimic in there. I think it was pretending to be toilet paper. Additionally, if you had any doubts left that this place is pure simulacrum, take a look at the poster on the wall. The dude on the poster, Aaron Ingram, is the same guy you free from the experiment chamber.

It’s all very sad and you can see from these photos that the residents of these cells have been here for quite some time (note the walls covered in hatch marks). At least they get a shitter, even they just have the toilet paper thrown in there on the floor like they’re animals or something.

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This Cargo Bay Container Hidey-Hole belongs to Quentin Purvis, deceased. While not a true shitter, I thought it prudent to include this rather ridiculous display in the collection due to Mr. Purvis’ forethought of including toilet paper in his secret hiding place.

The full story here is Quentin Purvis got wind of something terrible happening, or going to happen, to Talos I. So naturally, he hoarded packaged food from the Dining Hall, and some markers to huff, and shut himself up in a shipping container. I’m guessing he thought this container would be safe from the aliens. Maybe he thought it was going to get loaded onto an outbound ship and he would be headed safely to Earth soon enough. Unfortunately for him, he never packed any O2 tanks and died of asphyxiation while the station was locked down in quarantine. But packing toilet paper was a great idea.

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Camden Park shitters!

At Camden Park, you’ll find no lines at the rides, the games, nor the shitters! There’s also no working electricity and no First Aid Station, so watch out for broken glass. Here’s a little fella who is determined to enjoy himself no matter what. He’s all set with his cotton candy, his milkshake AND his beer hat, plus front-row seats to a parking lot full of explosive cars and ghouls, which makes for an exciting demolition derby.

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G.U.T.S. Closet shitter!

The most eerie thing about Prey is continually finding shit like this which makes you pause and say to yourself, “Now this doesn’t look like a Space Station.” This shitter in the G.U.T.S. (Gravitational Utility Tunnel System) of Talos I is little more than a closet, with an obvious water leak, stuff laying around on open metal shelving and a pouch of biohazard fluid in the sink. What the fuck, scientists? Why isn’t everything nailed to the damn floor? What happens if a catastrophic event occurs - much like the one we find ourselves in while playing Prey - and we enter Zero G? You’re telling me that pouch is going to be flying around the room and bean me in the face like a paint ball pellet? Who is in charge here?

Oh, right. It’s Alex Yu. The guy who spends more time on the phone than in the lab. The guy whose kitchen is so crammed full of snacks that he has crates of it stacked ON his exercise equipment and whose body mass exceeds the limit allowed by NASA.

Anyway this is a sad little cubby that someone plunked a toilet into and called it good. It’s very convincing. Now, please wake me up from this nightmare and show me where the real Outer Space bathrooms are? Documenting your shitters is the only reason I am here.

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Sunnytop Ski Lanes shitter!

This pure mood from Appalachia sums it all up pretty fast - “Slumped backwards over the shitter with some booze” is how we’re all feeling, sweetie. Don’t worry, there’s an unoccupied stump of a throne in the back so you can flop over, too. At least there’s plenty of toilet paper to go around.

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Turtledove Detention Camp shitters!

How xenophobic do you have to be? This racist stockade has segregated bathrooms to protect the guards from whatever it is that makes a person Communist. Conditions here were so bad that part of the camp was used for a toxic waste dumping site.

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Monongah Overlook shitter!

This mysterious button is curious indeed. This is the end point from a shaft that shoots you up from deep within the earth and up through a crapper after you fuck around with a nuclear launch. Convenient and gross as all hell. Imagine if someone was in there when you arrived?

Some irony in the second picture. Vault Boy disapproves of reducing the gravity of nuclear war to a dance of bluffing and one-upmanship!

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Rivet City shitters!

Rivet Shitty. I have my doubts about this one. Though it may be possible that all these fixtures are actually hooked up to working plumbing, they never bothered to get around to tossing up some privacy curtains and the place is filthy. This is the one place they really should be cleaning. And I know for a fact that Abraxo exists in this town. Moreover, given there’s a makeshift bar littered with hooch, I’m wondering if this is where survivors of the Apocalypse go to cry. This room reminds me a lot of Skyrim’s Redwater Den. I’m surprised there aren’t pinch pots of moon sugar on that table.

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Mechanic Facilities/Locker Room shitter!

In the “facilities” area of the Mechanics Division you’ll find this area labeled “Locker Room.” But it wears many hats, and functions as a shitter, and compact office for the scholar searching for reasons why the people on Talos I deserve to live. It’s even a secret loot chamber. After you successfully launch Emmanuella and Frank’s escape pod, you learn that Emmanuella left a little goodie bag hidden in that room. Just take it, barely anybody else is even alive to appreciate it.

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Welcome, welcome! To the thrilling, winding, epic adventure saga of Fatal Fortress!, an adorable tabletop game that you can find in Prey. The GM, Abigail Foy, leaves treasure maps for each of her friends, who correspond to these character sheets. Featuring such heroes as Hordinbaffle Flagdasterous, with his Staff of Flowers. He seems to take a lot of damage, and have a lot of useless things in his inventory. I think that truly, we can all learn something about ourselves through the mirror of these metaphors. The Bard looks to be doing well-off. That’s what I like to see.

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Talos I Lobby shitters!

The lobby area of Talos I is so swanky, from the bombastic tiling, to the brass trimmings, you may pause to ask yourself, “Am I on a Space Station, or in an overpriced hotel?” Just look at how much Space Station real estate they wasted on a separate male and female restroom. The second photo is the Men’s Room. It’s in pretty good shape, and you could probably even reuse it, if you cleared out the dead guy. What’s in the Women’s Room (seen sealed-off in the first photo)? A devil creature from Hell, and a couple of magazines. Why did Talos I even bother with this fussy, separate male and female restrooms? At this stage, it’s unclear.

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Morgan Yu’s Apartment shitter!

This shitter is located in your apartment when you start a new game in Prey. Looks pretty great, right? Real cozy? Well, guess again! This shitter is fake! It’s a simulation! I know I just rocked your world and exposed the plot and revealed what you actually learn directly following the tutorial, but I thought it was essential that you know now, so you don’t get your hopes up. That shitter ain’t real, kid. It’s a lie. There are a couple of real-deal shitters in Prey that are kind of wild, and we’ll get to those. But for now this Simulated Apartment Shitter is documented here, for perspective, and posterity.

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Soldier’s Field shitters!

Another ‘amusement park’ in Columbia, Soldier’s Field features a baffling puzzle that only the most discerning simpleton could ever solve.

In the first photo, we see the Men’s Room (you can tell it’s a Men’s Room because it has a dead dude in it) with a crass graffito scrawled across the urinal station. Elizabeth suggests you start looking for clues. Luckily for you, a huge clue to what the mysterious message says can be found in the hand of the corpse on the floor.

Follow the clue to discover a secret door in a location that is pretty much shouting “This right here is a secret door.” It’s in the empty stall in the adjacent Women’s Room. Sleuthy!

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Battleship Bay shitters!

These shitters are brought to you by Bucket Brigadier Minjianaxx! The bathrooms at this entertainment resort are segregated, with obnoxious, rude signs indicating where it is legal or illegal to shit. The nerve of this place. You can’t tell me where to squat.

First we see the “Whites Only” restroom, and if you live in the sky city of Columbia, there is definitely something in the water making you stupid if you saw this and never thought it was bullshit. Velvet drapes? Gross!! The toilet seats don’t even have real lids on them. Every time you flush, there’s a fine mist coating these curtains, and then you’re touching them! The fussy granite urinals positively scream “You’re trying too hard, Prophet.” Additionally, somebody left food in this purse on the floor. Would you eat a shitter apple?

Apart from this, we also have the “Colored/Irish” restroom, which is, well, different, by comparison. The Prophet obviously didn’t shell out the big bucks for contractors on these sinks. Though I have to say, I do not think what is happening with that one sink is actually possible. Princess Comstock will carry on about how it smells in here, right in front of this guy who is just doing his best with what he has to work with. He’s trying so hard, so back off, Elizabeth. Lastly, the “urinal station” is just a trough in the floor. This design element is quite popular in some punk rock clubs in Los Angeles, so maybe they’re onto something.

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Duke Nukem Forever Start Point shitter!

Right away when you start Duke Nukem Forever you find yourself in this setting, which really lays the foundation for what you can expect out of the game, in the way of humor and maturity. Needless to say, I felt electrified with a feverish enthusiasm to explore this complex storyline and multifaceted main character after zoning in to a bathroom first thing. These shitters are 100% interactive, a somewhat rare quality in a game shitter.

In the very next room, you’ll find this marker board which is also interactive. I was invited to use it to modify our plans as necessary, so I drew a cartoon dick. I was sure this was what they were after, and I did get praise from my friend here, but I still have a feeling that Duke is underappreciated as an artist.

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Nifty Thrifty shitter!

This a store you can enter in Tacoma Park. It has a secluded ambiance, which is something you don’t really get in a lot of post-Apocalyptic shitters, but there’s no toilet seat. That’s okay, I’m sure there isn’t one for miles. Why they felt the need to put SALE signs over the tub, I will never know, because the staff of Nifty Thrifty have been dead for hundreds of years. Make sure you shoplift the Tacoma Park Little Leaguer baseball cap from the coat rack on the way out.

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Camp Forlorn Hope shitters!

I have mixed feelings about this place, because even though they have four structurally-sound shitters, their privacy curtains consist of heaps of garbage, and they have a real bummer of a name for their town. Honestly, I feel like I’m getting splinters just looking at those things, but I guess it’s nice that they shoveled out a path in the trash so I could get to the door.

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Abandoned Mineshaft 4 shitter!

In the twisted, shifting landscape of dystopian Appalachia, things are not always as they seem! These potty stalls face away from the main attraction at Abandoned Mineshaft 4. So, imagine how, just as you round the corner, your expectation, curiosity and childlike wonder would quick turn to horror, shock, dismay, and confusion - - because where? Are? The shitters?! Who has abducted them? What do they want? Are they truly just cruel thieves? Or did someone forget? Maybe, whoever was in charge of installation simply ran out of time.

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Goat Simulator shitter!

If you bust apart this port-a-potty, you get a special achievement called “Daily Routine”! To effectively complete this goal, I attached an automatic baseball pitching machine to my goat body.

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This scene is found in the shitter of a roadside cottage, south of Kanawha Nuka-Cola Plant. Loot the body of this very dapper gent to find a wearable wedding band that even shows up on your hand when you equip it!

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Sunderstone Gorge shitter!

If you have the misfortune to need use of the facilities in the necromancers’ hideaway of Sunderstone Gorge, be sure to bring along antibacterial wipes, gloves, hand soap, a Tetanus shot, Neosporin, some Swiffer cloths, Lysol, and a Benadryl.

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Abernathy Farm shitter!

It was never clear to me why Raiders were always harassing Abernathy Farm. I mean, aside from the fact that Raiders are simple-minded assholes who crush anything good, but Abernathy Farm doesn’t even have a decent shitter. This craptastic pile of broken porcelain is the only thing close to one, and it’s located just outside the boundaries of the farm.

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Whitespring Water Waster shitter!

While most of us are out there in the wasteland scrounging for water where we can, the clowns at Whitespring are living large with functioning plumbing that they flush in excess. Water is a precious resource! You’d think by now, the Enclave robots would dig us some decent composting toilets. But I guess they think that time is better spent seducing the few of us who remain into annihilating each other with nuclear bombs, using MODUS’ sexy Death Daddy voice.

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Top of the World shitter!

Out of all the gondola shitters in Appalachia, this is the only one to provide privacy curtains. Such accomodations are normally a major improvement for any rest stop, however, the corpse begs the question. Perhaps this visual impairment is what caused the untimely demise of the raider, seen here seated on the throne?

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Timesaving shitter!

Do you see this shit? This is somebody’s idea of “saving time.” Don’t put your mouth, or a toothbrush (which goes in your mouth), anywhere near a shitter! You may think you’re saving time now, but when you start getting canker sores, you’re going to feel like a real dummy.

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Krakevisa Midden shitter!

This attraction can be found in the Wyrmstooth addon for Skyrim. Here we see an “annoying bard” complaining about the era’s only toilet choice.

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Mothman Museum shitter!

Do you revere Mothman, but DESPISE doors on your shitters? This is the bathroom for you, my friend. The central worshipping temple of Mothman is accessed via this unisex restroom. Within this small room, turn left and you’ll see a second doorway, also missing a door (it’s busted down), and a stairway leading down to this picturesque country chapel. You bought Fallout 76 to fulfill your fantasy as the pastor of an imaginary, feathery insect with glowing eyes, didn’t you? Bethesda has a little something for everyone!

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Hunter’s Ridge shitter urinal!

Not a true shitter, unless you are a savage freak, but it deserves a mention for the following reasons: The extraneous floral arrangement, the gnome Honor Guard, and the splashmat of mutated fungus make this a rest stop of note. Something else to make note of is that while all the residents of Hunter’s Ridge are corpses, this gnome remains on site, with his unnerving, emotionless grin. Shocking, I know.

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Scenic Overlook shitter!

Oh, look. Someone was making hot dogs over the crapper. Why does everyone in Appalachia seem to think this is such a great idea? I mean, you could always build a fire. Or, if you’re trying to avoid drawing attention to yourself, eat the hot dogs raw! It’s not even real meat! What harm could you really do eating it uncooked? Are you really improving this item by altering it in this manner? Actually, the better question is, Did you get a head injury out there? Because you are NOT cooking the item by doing what it shows in this picture.

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Bolton Greens shitter!

Hey, little buddy, you’re far from home. This gondola shitter is oddly placed in an overgrown meadow of lush grasses and defunct appliances. A scorched wastelander extends an arm toward the bowl, as though expecting salvation. In another lifetime, perhaps.

Anyway, if you don’t like the looks of this restroom, that’s too bad, because there are no other toilets on the grounds of Bolton Greens. The closest you’re going to get is what you see in the second picture. How’d you like to freshen up in this powder room?

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Isolated Cabin shitter!

At Isolated Cabin’s wooden potty stall, you’ll find the finest of baleful magnetic fridge poetry. This ballad of malaise, torn from the Post-Nuclear Poetic Edda, succinctly delivers an acrimonious summary of the human condition in the year 2102, and says pretty much what we were all thinking about the spiced eggs. If civilization were still a thing, I’m sure this morose narrative would be crowned with all the Hugo Awards we could find.

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Arefu Overpass shitters!

Arefu consists of four houses on a crumbling overpass that extends across the Potomac River. The only way to access this settlement is by approaching from the South, but it still comes under attack from Super Mutants and “The Family.” One thing Arefu definitely has going for it is a couple of really nice shitters. Might I suggest tipping the contents of the shitbins over the edge of the overpass? Make a nice, ripe perimeter that’s sure to keep foes away, and you could even change the settlement’s name to AREyouFUckingkiddingme Withthisgodawfulstenchrightnow.

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Autumn Acre Cabin shitter!

Welcome to Autumn Acre Cabin, where you can finally write the Great American Novel in peace and solitude, because you’re one of the only people left alive in the country. All the comforts of home can be found here: A full kitchen, working fireplace, classical music on the radio, area rugs, and working electricity, somehow. There’s even a patio that looks out over a sheer drop and is definitely unsafe. Just look at that gorgeous shitter! Wow! Watch the stars while you take a nice hot irradiated bubble bath. You might want to board that window up.

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Big Mouth Billy Bass shitter!

Take me to the river and drop me in the water!
Dip me in the river, drop me in the water!
I don’t know why I love you like I do,
all the troubles you put me through.
My home is a toilet, my home is a bowl,
and here am I, the biggest fool of them all.

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New Kid’s House shitter!

Submitted by Bucket Brigadier Minjianaxx, these images come from the South Park game, The Stick of Truth. Apparently, you can use these items as grenades (see rollover). This is an example of what not to do, the wrong kind of shit, and a misuse of a bathroom, but it’s important for us to study bad behavior, so we can learn how not to be. Another example of bad behavior in this photo: Leaving your toothbrush out on the sink top in the open air of the bathroom. Gross.

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Paradise Falls shitters!

This slaving compound is a hovel of horrors and I was justified in blasting a void in the skull of every raider there. On the way out to sweet freedom, I snapped shots of slaver hygiene standards (for evidence in the inevitable war crimes tribunal).

The top photo shows where they make the kids shit!! That’s not ok! Next, you can see Paradise Falls is heading for a hefty UN Sanction, if the UN ever gets its act together from out of the 200 years of nuclear rubble, in the bottom photo. These slavers continue to torture a deceased prisoner’s remains with a colorful party hat, while both his shitter AND his noodle bowl are j-j-just out of reach. I burned this entire place to the ground using only pure outrage.

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Mothership Zeta shitter!

There are no functioning shitters aboard Mothership Zeta (only that Toilet Museum in photo 2). However, when you complete all the quests and touch back down planetside you’ll be right next to this nice washroom (with scenic overlook). Good job, hero. Hope your victory shit is glorious.

PS Mothership Zeta is run by a shadowgovernment (gnomes!). Their reign of terror over Earth was not enough. They want to be in Space.

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South Cutthroat Camp shitter!

They say imitation is a form of flattery, and they also say you cannot duplicate greatness, only imitate it. Somewhere in Appalachia, you will find a holotape called “Impromptu Raider Meeting.” The contents of this holotape consist of two rival raider factions bickering over whether they should team up or kill each other. I didn’t give it much thought until I saw this at South Cutthroat Camp. This.. this is just embarrassing. First they claim they don’t want to team up together, but to make an almost exact copy of the shitter at Seneca Gang Camp? I’m not trying to be mean, but look at this shit! Seneca Gang did it first, and they did it better! And it makes very little sense. At least Seneca Gang positioned their gondola car appropriately, on the edge of a cliff. I mean, it’s quite difficult to imagine oneself soaring high and free over the ski slopes in a gondola car when it is on the ground.

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Whitespring Golf Resort shitters!

The Child of Frankenstein that you see before you now is what happens when my camera view is cramped into a tiny-ass corner of a shower trying to get a shot of the entire bathroom and Bethesda will not let me be great. Anyway, I clipped it together and you get the idea. The Enclave’s secret relaxation retreat, Whitespring Golf Club, boasts powder rooms with plenty of sparkly loots and fixtures that are not even broken. This is going to make the common people seethe from injustice and start singing Galavant’s Today We Rise.

So where do the proles shit? You can see that in the second photo! This is the “guest shitter” at Whitespring Resort, for use of plebes, with their adorable concept of Home Sweet Home in their narrow, tiny, myopic little skulls. The common, vulgar wastelander has never even dipped their toes into the excess and luxury of what the Enclave and Big Brother could offer them, but it’s better that they keep their teacups, and imagine themselves lucky to have even set foot on the grounds of Whitespring Resort!

You should probably read that paragraph in Senator Armstrong’s voice (from Metal Gear Solid).

Lastly, if you thought the robots were the governing body of Whitespring Resort, take a look at what lurks among the reeds at the kiddie pool, you utter bumbling fool.

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Huh. Just what the fuck do you suppose is happening in this picture, bucket brigade? Coldwave Crescent is populated by only Frost Trolls, but it seems like the party is just getting started at this cave in Wyrmstooth - a Disco of Depravity!

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Gallows Rock shitter!

At least, I am pretty sure this is the spot to squat for the werewolf hunting group known as the Silver Hand. It’s pretty messed up, but the entire fort here is filthy and disgusting so, what do you want. All the hallmarks of a shitter are here, including bucket, shovel, and book, as well as that crate where I’m assuming they place the book when it’s not strewn on the fucking floor. These guys are way more interested in skinning werewolves alive than keeping house. They are enormous assholes.

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Vault 76 shitter!

This pristine, exemplary, spotless, sinless, blameless restroom is pure and innocent and has done nothing wrong. This is the shitter within Vault 76 that you observe briefly before setting out into the wide wild and crazy wasteland. It’s a reminder of what life could be like without the horror of nuclear war. I can’t say enough about what a clean bathroom, with functioning plumbing and fluffy towels, means to me. It’s the epitome of personal security and wellbeing! It’s something every person should experience and feel. That’s my New Year’s wish for all of you, Bucket Brigade! May you shit in comfort and peace for all of 2019!

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Abandoned Mineshaft 2 shitter!

Years of shitter hunting has hyper-attuned my senses! It was the pitch black of night when I snuck up on this place. When I suddenly found myself stumbling through a slap shod pile of broken metal sheeting, I paused a moment and thought, “I bet this is a shitter.” Sure enough, I circled around and voila, a broken toilet! I don’t think this object originated here. One of the metal signs on the outside depicts a swimmer.

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Repurposed Kitchenette shitter in Welch!

So, I’m sensing a theme.
This shitter, located in the destroyed township of Welch, has been transformed by some plucky wastelander into a lovely kitchenette. But tell me this: If you were in possession of one of the last spring-loaded tp roll holders in existence, why would you not use the thing? There’s a shelf! Could it not hold the silverware? The superfluous oven mitt? It makes no sense, but I don’t know what I expect from someone who pulls the corpse of some dude across the floor like a damn rug.

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Ferelden Mage Tower Dormitory shitter!

This image is from the game Dragon Age: Origins. Submitted by Bucket Brigadier Minjianaxx, who says this:

“I DID IT! I FOUND A SHITTER! STALLS AND EVERYTHING! This is the mages tower, in the place the students sleep. It’s in the continent of Ferelden, next to the docks. You have to talk to a Templar to boat you across a river to get to it. You save the tower from one of the mages who went crazy and summoned leagues of demons inside. Last time I was in the mages tower, all the shitters were tossed willy nilly around, cuz of all the demons killing people, but if you go back during the dlc, it’s all tidy. Well, the destroyed version just had like one or two buckets with a shower tub just tossed in the corner. It’s why I couldn’t see what the room was made for with my UNTRAINED EYE.”

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Alftand shitter!

In this Dwemer ruin, you’ll find a crawlspace under some pipes where a guy named Endrast hid from a Falmer attack. Though the poor fella dies with an arrow in his shoulder, he was only scant meters from a shitter, and I take comfort in that. Aside from this example of their immeasurable cruelty, in Alftand we can observe the brilliance of Falmer engineering (third photo).

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Ruunvald Excavation shitter!

Notice that even though this area has been taken over by the vampire Minorne, the Vigilants of Stendarr that have been enthralled by her have left up the garlic braids. Strange…

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Chaste Acres Dairy Farm shitter!

Something tells me that outhouse has been witness to numerous grisly Jurassic Park-like horrors and is probably praying a stiff gust blows a flaming tumbleweed into its open bowl.

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Bethesda Offices (West) shitter!

Here’s a perfectly clean steel bucket waiting at the foot of this cot, and there’s even a footlocker and an ammo case you can use. Also some good lighting, since none of us can sleep with the lights off anymore. This looks like a great place to camp out for the night!

Oh yeah, and as you climb the stairs to tuck yourself in, take a gander over the hole in the floor across the hallway! Teddy… Noooooooooo!! And yes, there is a Heavily Damaged Gnome standing in the doorway where you first entered the building. Sleep tight, sweetie.

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Shroud Hearth Barrow shitter!

Wyndelius Gatharian was holed up in this Nordic tomb for a year, using potions that made him look like a ghost to scare everyone away while he attempted to claim an ancient treasure for himself.

Well, after a brief tussle with Wyndelius (he dies), your reassurance to the townsfolk that the haunting of Shroud Hearth Barrow was just a Dunmer trying to solve a Nordic Puzzle Door is much appreciated! For your hard work, you are granted a curious reward: It’s the key to the treasure room in the Barrow.

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Skyrim’s Classic Prison shitter!

Here is a sampling of some of the shitters I found in Skyrim’s various dungeons and jail cells.

Slide #1: The Emperor’s ship Katariah provides prisoners with shitters. And an end table, with fire on it. Everything looks up to code from here, guys.

Slide #2: The family home called Treva’s Watch is occupied by The Silver Hand at some point. My guess is because it boasts a couple of convenient, cramped, on-site jail cells.

Slide #3: Fort Neugrad has a creepy, witchcrafty vibe to its ward. There are six cells oriented in the lower level of a circular tower. Though each has its own shitter, which is really nice, there are also a ton of these birdcage torture devices littered about, with soul gems and enchanting tables here and there, as well as a candlelit ritual circle on the tower’s roof.

Slide #4: When I freed the prisoners from Fort Kastav, what interested me most is that each spacious cell was stocked with a shitter, a bed, and even some yummy dinners. This is practically the Marriot. While I was documenting these traits, at no time did I instruct or even advise the captives to attack some enemy soldiers outside the hallway! Listen, General Tullius, war is ugly. This is what those legionnaires signed up for when they put on that uniform and I only came to Fort Kastav to scout for shitters so don’t blame me if that unsanctioned skirmish resulted in the deaths of all the captives while I took screenshots downstairs!

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Trapper’s Camp shitter!

Winner! of the 2018 prestigious Brown Ribbon!

With great care and trepidation, walk the plank to the edge of this cliff to take a pensive, meditative squat over a 600-meter drop. With scorchbeasts gliding majestically above, and legendary glowing alpha wolves prowling below, this may be the safest shitter on the map. Of note: The crate that you’d be depositing your life’s work into does not open to the valley below. Since it’s closed up on the bottom you’d have to actually empty the receptacle yourself which is a bit puzzling. There’s a crate of toilet paper nearby and some grubby comic books and snacks on the seat itself. Trapper’s Camp is a luxurious spa retreat, the best feature being that it doesn’t even have a map marker, so no one can bother you here!

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Republic of Dave shitter!

Note the waiting bench, in the event the very exposed, doorless outhouse is already in use. As I maneuvered into position to get this picture, Bob (Son of Dave), seen here peeping through a hole in the side of the Women’s Quarters, hollered at me, “Is that really necessary?” Isn’t it, Bob?

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Fort Bannister shitter!

This restroom is located in the Officer’s bunker. Not very remarkable, in spite of the CUTE Psycho-Teddy Bear combo. The real reason I bothered documenting this location is because of the luxuriously lavish Jacuzzi tub found above-ground. Just look at that. After a long day of wasteland wandering, I can’t wait to dip my toes into the cool, stagnant water of a filthy cast iron trough, with empty liquor vessels floating beside me like calming bath candles. Take me away.

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Riftweald Manor shitter!

Mercer Frey likes to act like he’s better than everyone, but he shits in a wooden pail just like everybody else.

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I found these Raiders engaged in the hazing of a new gang member via the baseball bat beatdown method. I watched them for a moment, and then decided to crank up the Friendliness to 11 by putting a live grenade in the one dude’s pocket. That’s all it took, and all five of them died at once.

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Old Olney Underground Bunker shitter!

In this deluxe underground bunker shitter, a Garden Gnome sentinel squats, all set with toys, snacks, drugs and David the Gnome on Netflix. Next to him is a toilet with a bottle of water in it, because all gnomes are sociopaths.

Elsewhere in the bunker, you’ll find a sleeping bungalow, a kitchenette, a drinkin’ fire and a drinkin’ sniper perch on top of some duct work (both are outfitted with liquor). A nice place to hide out and hunker down, if you can abide the gnome.

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Little Lamplight & Big Town shitters!

The inhabitants of the kids-only bunker of Little Lamplight are tough as nails, but do not underestimate their instinct for bathroom aesthetics. Just look at that ambiance! Nobody wants to get kicked out of Little Lamplight when they reach age 16, and no wonder. Do they even have a shitter in Big Town?

…Yes and no. Behold the shitters of Big Town. As you can see, they pretty much suck. Hope you don’t mind sharing the Common House bathroom with ten teenagers! Or, maybe you’re the type who can ignore the blood in the Clinic’s tub long enough to do your face for the day, pretend the mirror ain’t broken, and grin at the wall like an idiot.

Maybe something just happens to a person’s logic and reasoning when they leave the bunker, and take on low-level radiation from just being outside. Because if you take a look at the last picture in this photoset, you’ll see the residents of Big Town (visible in the distance) elected to leave this perfectly viable port-o-potty near the skeleton of an abandoned farmhouse.

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Highpoint Tower shitter!

Did you ever feel bad for what Neloth’s fucked up experiments did to Ildari Sarothril’s sanity? Well, you won’t feel bad anymore when you see how she tortures her own prisoners by placing their shitter just out of reach! There was a lady still trapped in this dungeon when I got down here to take this picture. The compassionless disregard for the ethical treatment of prisoners is why this evil necromancer had to burn.

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Deepwood Redoubt shitter!

Located in the Forsworn hidey hole known as Deepwood Redoubt, this reckless brute is sleeping a scant three feet from an Ancient Nord corpse and it makes you wonder, how far is too far Gone Wild? Forsworn are constantly pushing the limits of wilderness living.

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Palace of the Winding Path shitter!

Do you like getting stoned out of your mind, and shitting in a communal setting? Though you can do that pretty much anywhere in the Appalachian Wasteland, this former cult retreat is the only landmark exclusively dedicated to both. The swanky restroom has a gramophone that croons out the merits of giving all your stuff to the cult. Further down the hall, you’ll find a little alcove shrine devoted to their god.

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Berkley Springs shitter!

This puzzling graffito was left in a trailer at Berkley Springs. Does the arcane scrawling on this filthy tiled cell indicate the presence of aliens, or are they perhaps sheriff hats? The chems can certainly only help you find the answer.

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Morgantown and Morgantown Airport shitters!

Would you like to see an adorable wittle bear reading a paper and smoking a cig in a portapotty that looks so real, you hold your breath when you activate the door? If so, head to Morgantown - This little buddy is there waiting for you!

A short distance away, at the airport, you’ll see Men’s and the Women’s rooms delineated by not only signs, but by interior design elements such as liquor and a flower vase. In these trying times, women need beauty AND numbing agents to cope, but apparently NOT doors.

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Kings Landing Dungeon shitter!

This classic prison shitter appears in Game of Thrones Season 4, Episode 4: Oathkeeper. Jaime Lannister makes mention of it personally at the very start of the scene with the line, “This isn’t so bad. You’ve got a pot to piss in.” What an honor!

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Sightless Pit shitter!

From the picture, this looks like a pretty nice campsite. But if you were there, you’d know that bucket is frozen to the damn floor. By the way, Falmer drag campers off into the darkness and cut them into pieces just for making a fire here, so I would recommend you proceed without squatting.

Was it The Call of the Wild: Yukon .. or White Fang? Maybe Iron Will (there were so many sled dog movies made in the 90s) in which the older man kvetches about how miserable such conditions are. He observes bitterly, “Watch your piss freeze before it hits the ground.” I wonder if that ever happens in Skyrim?

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Understone Keep, Jarl’s Chamber shitter.

Don’t see a bucket, do ya? That’s because part of what makes being Jarl of Markarth so friggin sweet is peeing into a waterfall every morning. Because you can’t look at this and tell me that you wouldn’t. If you don’t know, the waterfall is behind the camera angle. It’s a lovely little private place where a chest of gold is kept. But I think we all know the real gold here.

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Hound Pits Pub shitters!

In the words of Nicky Santoro, “Peekaboo, you fucks, you! I see you, mother fucker!” Using Corvo’s special secret vision, I saw Piero “checking the keyhole for structural integrity” while Callista was in the bath. When confronted, he begged me for “discretion” and fled. Yes, I looked, but I had to. I’m investigating the murder of the Empress. This is important. It wouldn’t be in the game unless it was part of the clues. Anyway, it was kind of a yawnfest. Once you see one defeated, plague-starved former-aristocrat scrubbing at the iodine under their fingernails in vain, you’ve seen them all.

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Tanagra Town shitters!

Stumble through the mucky mire of Appalachia long enough and you’ll come across Tanagra Town - a beanstalk-like growth protruding from the ground due to a malfunction of the GECK in Vault 94. A floating island of earth and rock rests at the top, with bits of broken houses. If you climb the beanstalk, these are the treasures which await you! Two gorgeous shitters! Other wonderful things about Tanagra Town: No gnomes, a unique basketball, and if you leap off the top from the tire swing, you won’t die, you will only break both your legs. Fantastic.

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Blue Castle, Pelagius Wing shitter!

Camp out in this haunted nook with all the comforts of home. Bedroll, lantern (keeps the ghosties at bay), convenient shitter, mead on tap, and even a little cleaning supplies in case you get bored of that book and wish to play Cinderella.

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Palace of the Kings, Windhelm shitters!

This right here is why Jarl Ulfric Stormcloak is a vinegar-based feminine wash. The first photo is where Jorleif sleeps. No, really. Ulfric’s oldest friend, who he sorta just allows to hang around the throne room and pipe in with advice now and then, sleeps on the floor and shits in a corner of the kitchens.

Meanwhile (middle picture) you have rooms on rooms on rooms in the Palace of the Kings that are unoccupied. Some have fires going in them. Some don’t. Why bother heating the parts of your castle that will never be used? It’s not like you have a family or anything, Ulfric Foreveralonecloak. Fucking asshole! You’re telling me Jorleif can’t sleep in this bed here? Shit in this chamber pot, by the warmth of a fire?

And where does Papa Bear Stormcloak shit? Well, I’m not fully and 100% sure, but this is where he sleeps, and the only vessel in the room is a silver bowl. Yeah I’m pretty sure that Ulfric shits in a silver bowl. Dandy ponce.

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Homestead Motel shitters!

Wow, were Quentin Tarantino and Guillermo del Toro both here having gay horror sex? These photos, which will surely be admitted into evidence, feature Room 1K as last visited by the Pintsized Slasher (see terrifying mask, photo 2). The third photo is the shitter in the motel office, as taken from within the women’s room, from which vantage point one has full view of the urinal. That’s the quality contracting and craftsmanship you can count on from the inbred mutant swamp that is Point Lookout!

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Miner’s Rest at Herzog Mine, Point Lookout shitters!

Kenny has sweet digs in the abandoned Herzog Mine and his guest bunk has its own shitter! Tons of toys and games will keep you from thinking about that skeleton of Old Man Herzog hanging from a noose in the hallway below. Yes, Kenny is absolutely playing checkers with a Garden Gnome. Kenny IS the Pint-Sized Slasher and I’m pretty sure that Gnome is living vicariously through Kenny.

At the bottom of the adjoining zone called Blackdamp Shaft, you can find the unique plushie named Kenny-bear. Do NOT return him to Kenny unless you FIRST remove the psycho Gnome! How do you think Kenny-bear got down there to begin with? Just take Kenny-bear with you, and leave the Pint-Sized Slasher and the Gnome to their games. Kenny-bear should see the wide frontier of the Capitol Wasteland from the zipper-hole of your backpack, not be left the doom of dissolving in a puddle of nuclear goo dripping from a cracked pipe in the ceiling.

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Marguerite’s Shack shitters!

Now here’s a real chin-scratcher. There are plenty of objects here that look the part, but which is the legitimate shitter? I’m pretty sure one is a planter. The structural outhouse has a great deal of overgrowth and other indications of disuse (such as the ‘innocent’ gnome laying nearby who we all know is a vicious killer).

No, I am putting my money on the only shitter here Marguerite is gonna be sharing private moments with as being the lovely powder room the third photo. I’m sure that sink whiskey is mostly for mouthwash. So, is this where Marguerite nurses herself back to life every morning she has a hangover?

What say you, Marguerite?

She doesn’t seem to really be up for talking just now. Anyway, ‘round back as you’re heading out, there’s a bathtub full of empty whiskey bottles. I’m sure this moonshiner would say they’re being saved for ‘art projects.’

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LOOK AT THIS. This is the collateral damage of war. In the darkness of the tunnel system under Old Olney you’ll find a grimy antechamber where a down-and-out Teddy sips his medicine and smokes his last cigarette. Teddy, no. Who hurt u? Come home with me. I will love you like you deserve, I will wash you in Aqua Pura. I will spritz you down with Abraxo and sew a new button for your eye. No more tears, Snuggle.

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Agatha’s House shitter!

Soft-spoken GILF and violin virtuoso Agatha has lived alone in this cabin since her husband passed. What a lovely WC she has. Agatha is a lady, and this is where a lady shits.

PS She has submerged a plush bear in her toilet and that’s kind of dark tbh.

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Movarth Piquine is a master vampire who is mentioned in the Skyrim book Immortal Blood. When you first enter his lair, you’ll begin to see he is a collector of sorts when you witness his lackey gathering up wheelbarrows of boots from dead folks. But it isn’t until you get to his private chamber that you get the full grasp of his shoe fetish. He has a lot of primo footwear shored up, including a pair called Movarth’s Boots. They’re hidden from view behind his bed. The boots add 15 to Sneak, which doesn’t do Movarth any good, because he ain’t wearing them when you shoot him dead.

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Swindler’s Den shitter!

This one toes the line of what constitutes a shitter. It has all the standard markings (bucket, shovel and lantern combination), but is stored in a common area.

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This is a figurine I made of Skyrim’s Ancestor Moth. It’s stitched glass beads, embroidery, and felt with copper findings.

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Anise’s Cabin shitter!

There’s not much to say about Anise that you don’t already know, because she is basically your average Nord. She’s old, she keeps to herself, she’s a witch, and she shits in a bucket.

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Dark Brotherhood Sanctuary: Dawnstar shitter!

This is a special gift from Delvin Mallory, installed for you himself with a designer’s touch. The built-in stone ledge for your toiletries doubles as a cubbyhole for the bucket. Really fancy.

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The Windhelm Butcher shitters!

In his Museum of the Lame and Boring, Calixto Corrium has what we might call a “dummy shitter” that this serial killer wants you to THINK is where he craps. Think again. In the bottom photo, which shows the interior of the hidden room at Hjerim, we see the real deal. Calixto dismembers his victims here, also drinks wine and eats friggen cheese and crackers here, and yes shits here too. Nice chamber pot, you filthy misogynist.

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Enclave shitters!

You might think, on first glance, that being in the Enclave is a pretty sweet hookup. I mean, check out those bathrooms. Nice industrial design theme going on here. But then, you look closer and get the fright of your life from some Damaged Garden Gnomes.

The first stall door opens to reveal a Gnome wielding a deathclaw hand and pressing a damn flashlight to his face. Next, some dude left a nasty log in one bowl, and another guy prefers to use a bathroom for an office.

Last two pics you see a Teddy who is going to lose his fucking life if he doesn’t play the right moves. Rollover that to see Snidely Gnomelash that got blasted in the face by me before I ran away with his captives. Look at those picket signs! Those are from the Chryslus building!

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Chryslus Building shitter!

Tiptoe into this busted throneroom to take a piss while the Supermutants are preoccupied, and you’ll see a true mindfuck. That caution cone on the left of the room really needs to be in front of these two tricksters hiding in the stalls, holding signs that beg you to take them home. Do not pick up and cuddle a Shitter Gnome from Murdertown! Tell me this, Gnomes, if you’re so helpless on your own, how did you make those signs? I checked, but there really are no land mines or rigged shotguns or anything here. Since all Garden Gnomes carry a switchblade, don’t tell them where you live!!

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Tenpenny Tower shitters!

Allistair Tenpenny is a milk drinker with the voice of Herbert the Pervert, and skid marks on the bottom of his bathtub.

Also featured here is the Tenpenny Tower Men’s Room! This could well be the nicest public restroom in all of Washington DC in the year 2277. Electricity, working stall doors, urinals for tall and small, hand dryers, and that flooring. This is the way of life that we fight to protect daily on post-Government, post-Civilization, post-Hope Planet Earth. A posh locale where we may rest our haunches, and take a luxurious dump before succumbing to Radiation Sickness.

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Galaxy News Radio shitter!

This is where Three Dog shits, Awrooo!! Let’s take inventory, shall we? First Aid Kit in case he gets a splinter stroking his ego. Radio so he can hear himself while he poops. And no mirror. He doesn’t have to see his beautiful face to know it’s there.

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What the shit? I am, frankly, so disgusted by this blatant rip-off of Sunnytop Station Shitter that I cannot even remember where in the Appalachian wasteland it was. You’re not tempting me with those spices, try as you might. I am loyal to Sunnytop.

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Larry’s Toxic Meat ‘n Go Shitter!

Behold. Nestled within the craggy slope behind Larry’s Toxic Meat ‘n Go is a winding, splintery staircase leading to HEAVEN!!!! The crown jewel of this abandoned restaurant-turned-snallygaster-den is a loot-encrusted treasure chest that happens to also be a shitter.

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Treehouse Village shitters!

It explains itself.

But in case you wanted some lore on the subject, this is a two-story treehouse with many buildings spanning multiple trees. There are two doorless, bucketless, flooded port-a-potties standing erect in the swamp below, but you couldn’t use them, obviously, since the waters are teeming with anglers, giant glowing radtoads and various waterborne diseases. Thus, the durable janitor-green sentinel we see here. I like that they reinforced the back of it with boards. That’s totally not just a result of the designer half clipping the shitter into the wooden barricade.

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Mauhulakh Longhouse shitters!

The Orcs of Narzulbur Stronghold show us the two extremes of indoor bucketing, each at opposite ends of the longhouse. One is clean and private, the other is neither.

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Septimus Signus’ Outpost shitter!

Septimus Signus, whacky devotee of Hermaeus Mora, lives in a frozen berth just north of the College of Winterhold. Here he has minimal creature comforts, such as an enormous Dwemer puzzle cube, to keep him company. As an old codger, Septimus isn’t going outside to poop in the snow. It’s a constant blizzard out there! So he has this bucket. I believe it’s upside-down as a tribute to how cwazy Septimus has gotten over the decades. I imagine him putting the ewer on top and saying, “Lovely!” Anyway I’d probably store it upside-down too. In that miniature cavern, it may help stifle the stink.

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Fort Defiance was an “insane asylum” (terminology not used for many a moon now) which was repurposed into a HQ for the defunct Brotherhood of Steel. At Fort Defiance, there’s nary a trace of doctors, nor soldiers, so who rules over this mound of concrete rubble now? A GNOME!! By far the most terrifying spectre in this ghost town.

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High aloft the unnervingly tall oak tree of Treetops are numerous individual rooms decorated with a homey aesthetic. It wasn’t long however before I found this gnome, and began to sweat in terror for my very life.

I also located a curious chem lab, replete with crushed acetone containers, rat poison, and gasoline. Meth kitchen, or leatherworking workshop?

At long last, I rounded the very top and saw this freak smirking at me from the edge of a precipice. I yeeted him off the brink without hesitation, and to my surprise, received 110 exp. Ypa!

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Winner! of the prestigious 2015 Brown Ribbon!

Sunshine Tidings Co-op shitters!

The winner of the coveted Brown Ribbon of the Year award in 2015 was this REALLY nice wooden outhouse at Sunshine Tidings Co-op. As you can see, this shitter is top-notch, with potential for a bright future. The elevated nature of this stall lends itself to superior protection against pests such as radroachs and molerats while you’re having a moment alone.

There is another notable shitter on the property that I have photographed and documented here, and which is a terrible sty. The metal shack features some splintery boards perched atop cinder blocks, and an accompanying rusted metal bucket. Creative, but a definite no-go. And are settlers expected to bathe here? My companion, Preston Garvey, obviously blurted out this non sequitur before he took a peek inside.

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Bloodskal Barrow shitters!

Submitted by Bucket Brigadier futilexistance! These Raiders know what’s what at Bloodskal Barrow. They moved in to this decrepit structure, and made it home. All they need is some dream catchers, and possibly a railing on the narrow, incredibly dangerous wooden catwalk that wraps around the tower.

They also made efficient use of this ancient burial chamber, complete with kitchen, mini library, bunk quarters and ample lookouts. In addition, as soon as you enter, there’s a bonfire piled high with Draugr. A simple solution to Zombies, and also makes for lazy firewood!

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Fort Greenwall shitters!

I went to Fort Greenwall at level 7, when it was occupied by Bandits. I ended up running away with my arms over my head shouting, “I just want to photograph your shitter!” I sort of forgot about that place, and today, at level 68 I saw it in the distance and thought, “Today is the day where I witness where y’all do Number 2.”

Since the Imperials are in charge now, I walked right up to the gate and said, “Excuse me, but do you have a public restroom?” Right this way, they replied.

Behold! I know what you’re thinking. That looks an awful lot like Fort Dunstad’s shitter! But what you’re witnessing is the fine and exacting standards of the milk-drinking Imperial military. Notice the Captain’s Quarters has its own chamber pot. You don’t expect the Captain to shit with all the petty officers? If I were this Captain, I would be less interested in the commode situation, and a little more concerned by the sleeping situation. If this doesn’t remind you of some #SochiProblems. That can’t be comfortable. I dare you to sort of casually remark to that last guy, “Yo nice crib dog. Dog. Nice crib.” There’d be a FIGHT.

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Redwater Den & Redwater Spring shitters!

As you meander along the cavern, as one of the only coherent sentient beings in Redwater Den, you’ll find this clean, well-maintained, relatively-private alcove for paying customers only. If there’s one thing these dope pushers know how to do, it’s making you as comfortable as possible during the Skooma shakes.

Redwater Spring shitter, which is separate from the veritable cattle stalls in Redwater Den. As opposed to the first location, this one is for the Vampires to use. It’s the Executive Bathroom.

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North Cutthroat Camp shitter!

They named their camp Cutthroat Camp so you’d know they mean business, but these (deceased) Raiders have a sense of decency. The privacy curtain that enshrouds the commode at this once-proud outpost provides courtesy toward visitors, which is more than I can say for some of these other outhouses. I’m looking at you, Beckwith Farm shitter.

PS There’s a terrifying monkey playing cymbals on this toilet. I don’t think it actually is a booby trap but I couldn’t say for sure because instinct took over and I blew its head off before it had a chance.

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Big Bend Tunnel shitter!

You have to creep through this train tunnel looking for survivors, but all you’ll find is crispy corpses, mutated bugs, sad little notes left behind and off to the side there’s a glowing green tunnel with a special hidden surprise. “What’s the surprise?” you ask? It’s this wonderful Easter Egg.

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Embershard Mine shitters!

Don’t want an excess of poo poo stink when you’re down in the mines. Top photo is where the bandits shit. Bottom photo is the cruel conditions under which they force their prisoners to shit! Given the discrepancy in quality between the household bucket vs. the guest bucket, I am going to wager to guess that these bandits didn’t contribute much to the construction of these facilities. They most likely stole it from someone decent, and just stuck their name on it.

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If you try to burn the last remaining page of the Mysterium Xarxes, it turns into a bucket!

This is because all Skyrim items are first loaded into the database with their base image as a bucket. They are changed individually based on what the item and item class is supposed to be. However, the last remaining page of the Mysterium Xarxes, here located at the Dawnstar Museum of Dagon, has no burned version of itself in the database. So if you alter it with fire, it becomes a bucket again.

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Broken Oar Grotto shitter!

This magical nook is the prettiest place to poop in all of Skyrim! From the fanciful dancing of light on the cave walls, to the inventive use of wooden planks! The first Shitter of Skyrim that I ever found, and my favorite of all time.

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Dunwall Distillery shitter!

Winner! of the 2014 prestigious Brown Ribbon!

This dreadful haunt won Best of the Worst in 2014. How would you like to even glance at a place like this, much less have to use it in an emergency? Epidemic pathogens abound in the alleyway behind Dunwall Distillery. If you ever run into someone who doesn’t give a shit about the rat plague, just have them visit this gruesome squat, and I can guarantee you they will never be able to stop giving a shit from that point forward.

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The Golden Cat shitters!

Welcome to the Golden Cat, a ‘gentleman’s bathhouse’ in the Distillery District. Now, I know what you’re gonna say, and I just want to go ahead and stop you from bothering to put on a clean shirt. Because this is how the other half shits. The demure, pristine crystalline plague phlegm fairies of the Golden Cat who delivery military-grade handjobs and electrocution fetishes get into character in this amazing Associates-Only boudoir. Note the numerous amenities that are just some of the incentives to working for Madame Prudence, and you even get a private shitter that really just can’t be surpassed. Gotta have a few Piero’s Spiritual Remedies stocked in that third-world closet for when you’re screaming to Heaven for relief from the hangover.

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Quarry X3 shitter!

Here’s a great example of the care and detail that goes into Bethesda Easter Eggs. This port-a-potty is on the grounds of the X3 Quarry in Appalachia. From the outside, it looks like any ordinary shmoe, without a story to tell. But crack that baby open and you’ll find ambiance and gifts! Such as a motivational poster, a Mister Fuzzy hard hat, a cat bowl, and an irradiated fizzy drink. Enjoy.

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Fort Greymoor shitter!

This no-nonsense, military-grade, multi-bucket latrine is for the use of all genders and races of Tamriel, once you hand it off to the Imperials.

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So here’s a story from a bit ago.

Jazbay Grapes are said to be super-rare, but they’re actually found in quite an abundance in the hot springs by Eldergleam Sanctuary. So I was just wandering around picking them, when I came upon three naked hunters lounging in the hot springs. You may be familiar with them. Their clothes are folded on the ground alongside the rest of their things.

As I stood around just looking at them, the woman says, “Yes?” I click on her and she asks, “What do you want?”, very rudely. The dude that’s there, I click on him too. And he goes “Can I help you?” I thought, these asses can’t even offer me some West Weald Vintage, or whatever they’re sipping on, at this love party?

So I thought, fuck these guys. I decided to steal their clothes and I grabbed all their clothes in one swipe and ran as fast as I could far away and hid. They followed for a short bit, but soon returned to their spawn point. I snuck back and they were PISSED! They were running all over the place, naked, fists up in fighting stance. Haha, be naked forever. And while I was sitting there cracking up, in the bushes hidden, watching them run around hostile and looking for me …

AW YEAH!! My Sneak improved, causing me to Level Up. Thanks, Naked Hunters!

And when I went back over 2 real-life months later to see if they were still there. They were still there, still naked, and still angry as shit.

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Honorhall Orphanage shitter!

Here in Riften, the residents of this children’s home are taught proper hygiene by Constance Michel.

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Burrows Lighthouse Shitter!

The swankiest shitter in Dunwall. This is even nicer than the toilets at the Boyle mansion. There are clean linens laid out for Admiral Farley Havelock to wipe the blood of the Loyalists from his hands. All the utilities work (more than what you can say for the entire city of Dunwall). This interior design really has that ‘Grand and Stately Bullshit Rumored to be Classy’ Look, and it’s ghastly.

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Dunwall Prison shitter!

Here’s where the Mission to Escape Dunwall Prison begins! The heart of darkness, mere meters from the entrance to the Dunwall Sewers. Here’s Corvo’s cell, starring a City Watch Guard who is keeping my seat warm. Don’t worry, he’s still alive. I only choked him out and set him down to rest on the shitter. Silent and non-lethal, my motto for Dishonored.

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The People’s Bank of Point Lookout shitter!

This is a miniscule gnome, within a safe deposit box, performing maintenance on a little-ass shitter with an itty bitty-ass plunger. “Have yourself a seat,” he gestures in his squeaky voice, at the mostly broken bowl. You politely wave your hand to indicate No, and he pulls out a switchblade. “I said. Have a seat.”

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Ark and Dove Cathedral shitter!

With a special guest speaker. This man, who would identify himself only as “Tribal,” offers sage wisdom from deep within. He speaks from experience, people.

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Fort Snowhawk shitter!

Certainly a disappointment after seeing the other military-issue shitters in places like Forts Dunstad and Greymoor. This may prove messy during a siege.

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Northwind Summit shitter!

Could not believe my luck when I found this little gem ‘round back of the abandoned-mining-camp-turned-roost-for-Ancient-Dragon, the bones of which you can see in the far background. Incidentally, the Word of Power at this location is part of Aura Whisper. But you know what would be even sweeter? Shitter Whisper.

Khraap.. Bukh.. Ett!

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Faldar’s Tooth Shitter!

Faldar’s Tooth shitter. While the structure of the tower itself is a real dump, I was relieved to see the shitters were still completely intact. Note the three stalls for maximum output. There’s also a bookshelf on the opposite wall with potions of minor stamina (for when the going gets rough).

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Unmarked Shitter, north of MDPL Relay Station

This fishing shanty from straight out of your nightmares has the works. Rusted slap-shod hut, boats sunken into radioactive muck, and a shitter that makes you hear phantom pipe organ music over the pounding of your heartbeat. As you’re backing away, careful not to trip over the pile of six dead bodies; some fresh, some merely bones.

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Largashbur Longhouse shitter!

Genuine Orc crapper. Barely any privacy and I bet sleeping right behind it really stinks! But complaining doesn’t go over well in Orc households.

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Valtheim Towers shitter!

Valtheim Towers shitter. This bandit hideout is superb in so many ways. Plenty of sleeping space, a cookpot, and it spans the entire river via a sturdy, ancient stone bridge. And it even has a really nice shitter. But I don’t doubt these Raider idiots probably just dump the bucket contents into the river below, when they’re done. Possibly upstream? Well, they don’t have public education in Skyrim.