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Gaming Thrones
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Posted on December 24, 2018
Sightless Pit shitter!
From the picture, this looks like a pretty nice campsite. But if you were there, you’d know that bucket is frozen to the damn floor. By the way, Falmer drag campers off into the darkness and cut them into pieces just for making a fire here, so I would recommend you proceed without squatting.
Was it The Call of the Wild: Yukon .. or White Fang? Maybe Iron Will (there were so many sled dog movies made in the 90s) in which the older man kvetches about how miserable such conditions are. He observes bitterly, “Watch your piss freeze before it hits the ground.” I wonder if that ever happens in Skyrim?
Posted on December 24, 2018
Understone Keep, Jarl’s Chamber shitter.
Don’t see a bucket, do ya? That’s because part of what makes being Jarl of Markarth so friggin sweet is peeing into a waterfall every morning. Because you can’t look at this and tell me that you wouldn’t. If you don’t know, the waterfall is behind the camera angle. It’s a lovely little private place where a chest of gold is kept. But I think we all know the real gold here.
Posted on December 22, 2018
Hound Pits Pub shitters!
In the words of Nicky Santoro, “Peekaboo, you fucks, you! I see you, mother fucker!” Using Corvo’s special secret vision, I saw Piero “checking the keyhole for structural integrity” while Callista was in the bath. When confronted, he begged me for “discretion” and fled. Yes, I looked, but I had to. I’m investigating the murder of the Empress. This is important. It wouldn’t be in the game unless it was part of the clues. Anyway, it was kind of a yawnfest. Once you see one defeated, plague-starved former-aristocrat scrubbing at the iodine under their fingernails in vain, you’ve seen them all.
Posted on December 22, 2018
Tanagra Town shitters!
Stumble through the mucky mire of Appalachia long enough and you’ll come across Tanagra Town - a beanstalk-like growth protruding from the ground due to a malfunction of the GECK in Vault 94. A floating island of earth and rock rests at the top, with bits of broken houses. If you climb the beanstalk, these are the treasures which await you! Two gorgeous shitters! Other wonderful things about Tanagra Town: No gnomes, a unique basketball, and if you leap off the top from the tire swing, you won’t die, you will only break both your legs. Fantastic.
Posted on December 22, 2018
Hillfolk Hotdogs shitter!
Another mysterious magnetic fridge poem left in a shitter, this time at Hillfolk Hotdogs. This one… a little less cohesive than the first. Don’t strain yourself too hard trying to find meaning in these verses. It’s clear that near the end, the author ran out of the good magnets.
Posted on December 22, 2018
Nihilist Prose shitter!
I found this ART while exploring the wilderness. This is some deep shit right here. The plaintiff husk of a West Virginian who just couldn’t make it to the shelter of this port-a-john before the blast guards the door to this stall. An Untitled Poem of dank, nihilist prose in a beatnik, magnetic-fridge-poetry format is the only remaining witness to future shits. Aces Deuces.