Stilton Attic - Shitty Lie!

I’m sure many Bucket Brigadiers can identify with the story of disappointment that I am about to share. While on Shitter Safari, wandering through the dilapidated ruin of Stilton Manor, I looked up to see this a promising location for a shitter sighting. Yes, my heart leapt as I parkoured up some bookshelves, chandeliers and broken beams into Stilton’s attic. But just as a twinkling gem on a riverbed turns out to be merely some glass from a beer bottle, there was no shitter here! Such is the danger of getting one’s hopes up. I even used the Outsider’s Timepiece, desperately hoping to at least find a chamber pot in the past, but this attic was just a housing for a spare bathtub. What a letdown!

Dunwall Tower Pisspot Cranny, Before and After!

Right at the beginning of Dishonored 2, you’ll make your way downstairs to eavesdrop on Mortimer Ramsey and pass this nook filled floor-to-ceiling with chamber pots. They’re all being used for houseplants. I thought this intriguing, but not that unusual. I, too, keep a houseplant in a chamber pot. Well, come back later when you’re ready to face down Delilah and you may ask yourself, “Am I seeing shit?” You’ll find this mess in the room where the pots used to be - This time, the plants are taking root in the floor, and the chamber pots are back to their original intended use!

Royal Palace Master Suite shitter!

Dull. Formulaic. Pedantic. What image do these words conjure? For me, it’s Duke Abele’s personal shitter.

The Duke of Serkonos favors the interior design stylings of a sterile hospital, which is ironic, considering the actual working condition of the Addermire Institute, which falls under the Duke’s rule. The cold marble floors, the emotionless floral arrangement, the neatly organized desk accessories - All this gives the impression of a regime on the straight and narrow. Don’t be fooled! In actuality, it is all symptomatic of a man deeply at odds with himself. In spite of his home’s design affect, this dude also attends orgies and has dead bodies piling up in his drug den (located near the guard outpost!).

Special bonus features: That unconscious body in the doorway is the Duke himself! And secondly, a brave “self-portrait” the Duke tried to hide from me on his balcony. Sorry, but I make it my business to enter a building through the roof, and couldn’t help but capture this masterpiece for eternity on my hard drive. This two-dimensional derpy mug, and its numerous chins, must to be celebrated. Hiding this genius from the world would be a crime.

Dreadful Wale shitter!

This lavatory can be found on Billie Lurk’s skiff, the Dreadful Wale, which is also an anagram for “Farewell Daud.” Pause for a collective eyeroll. Note the features of this shitter: Handrails, cozy lighting, some flagged books, and no sink. That’s okay, if you’re completing the game with zero deaths, you come out with Clean Hands at the end anyway.

So, they just dump the chamberpot over the side of the boat when they’re done, right? Tell you what, Dunwall. Once you get this whole ‘extremely deadly lack of sanitation’ thing under control, with the rat infestation and all that, might be a good idea to channel some of the funding you set aside for solid marble edifices into Science and Education.

Bioshock Infinite apartment shitter!

Submitted by junior shitter hunter and bucket brigadier Maven from Maven’s Madness! I am proud to present the results of Maven’s first ever shitter safari - These two bathrooms are from the beginning of Bioshock Infinite. Here is some commentary from Maven: “How much do I weigh after using the shitter?” and, “Is this a lounge toilet?”

Addermire Institute shitters!

So… let’s talk for a minute about Emily Kaldwin, and her “reign as Empress.” Young Emily came to power in 1827, in the original Dishonored, when she was about 10 years old. She remained Empress for 15 years until she was temporarily deposed by Delilah in Dishonored 2. As the heir, she was raised to become Empress, and during the 15 years of actually being the Empress, she did fuckall, let’s be honest. These damning photos are from the Addermire Institute of Infectious Disease.

This horrendous display caused me to exclaim, “Where were you, Emily?!” I had to jack the brightness all the way up just to see anything in this dark-as-fuck hallway. These are the only shitters I could find in the entire complex, and where the people in charge (Emily Kaldwin and Co) expect you to find repose when you’re being treated for plague. This ain’t clean, Empress! And I took these pictures at great personal risk, as there were fat, jingling loot sacks (also called ‘guards’) patrolling up and down, whining about how hard they work. A swarm of them even parked themselves in the stairwell so they could play dice.

This fucking place. No one was running inspections here. It is busted, sad, and an affront to human dignity. None of us who has suffered from a secondary infection while in a hospital can fail to experience a fountain of fury bubbling up inside after witnessing this mess. Let’s all stand and salute the shitters; these noble, stoic sentries, keeping it together in the face of extreme bullcrap.

Emily Kaldwin was a shit Empress, and she deserved to be kicked off the throne. Hopefully, she learned something! If you play Dishonored 2 as Emily, try to earn back the title, won’t you?

Dust District shitter!

Here’s a bathroom in a residence not far from Stilton manor, with about 4 inches of silver dust piling up on the floor, and boarded-up windows that barely let the light in. Hard labor in the silver mines of Karnaca is tough, and the most naïve among us suffer the greatest - in this case, the shitters. Oh, don’t look at me like that. The resident of this apartment didn’t really ‘break their back’ in Stilton Mines. They’re definitely exaggerating! First of all, that slogan is slapped on walls and alleyways all up and down this street. And second, how’d they reach over the clawfoot porcelain tub like that to write on the wall with a broken back? No, the one who has it the worst is the shitter, because God knows what terrible fate befell it. My shocked face quickly shifted into my sad face when I saw this wooden potty with no chamberpot inside. Let’s cross our fingers that the bowl got lucky, hopped a ferry, and is living out the rest of its days on a vineyard somewhere in Tyvia.

DOOM Eternal trailer artwork.